老师看过您的修改合集了改了一下您帮我看看吧

mumuleen · 发表于 2007-6-3 18:09:00

Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? People should sometimes do things that they don’t enjoy doing.

Most of people inclined to do the things they are fond. They gain sense of achievement and pleasure through the progress. But is it a wise decision? As a matter of fact, it has been always my belief that one should attempt to participate in the matters he/she do not prefer on occasion.

For one thing, the sealed potential might be discovered unconsciously. Since people seldom attach themselves to their hatred, how they can attain the idea whether they are good at it or not? To give a demonstration, I’ll never forget how I turn into a huge basketball fan. I once fail to aware that I also could do sports well since I’m a suck runner. Till the day, I was involved in a basketball game accidentally and supringsingly won the highest scores through the entire course. It makes me realize that I must endow some gift on the ball and introduces another fantastic interest to my life.

For anther, indubitably, it is inconceivable that our desirable matters are around us all the time. In school, our courses cover miscellaneous knowledge. You may go in for music but math is required simultaneously. Learning it or not apparently don’t depend on your own preference. In workplace，we may be allocated the job we loathe to do. If so, what we might do? Grumbling your boss’s ignorance or just abandoning the job forever? Encountering disagreeable issues is inevitable; we could not just shun in somewhere.

Also, it is far beyond controversy that we derived nothing new from limited desirable activity. If we merely jog on land we‘ll never experience coolness of swimming bring to us. If we have costumed to looking for dictionary the convenience of searching online won’t leaver the deep impression.

After four paragraphs tough writing, I unshakably draw the conclusion that it is transparent not a good idea doing nothing but your favorite. We are required to find out the other side of ourselves and take courage to confront with our own deficiency.

[此贴子已经被作者于2007-6-3 21:13:52编辑过]

德克的猪 · 发表于 2007-6-3 18:21:00

好的

德克的猪 · 发表于 2007-6-3 19:43:00

先到iBT区看我的写作帖子,发出来了

mumuleen · 发表于 2007-6-3 19:57:00

在看在看

德克的猪 · 发表于 2007-6-3 20:00:00

这个是连载,还在继续写,记得顶顶哟

mumuleen · 发表于 2007-6-3 20:20:00

好的好的一定顶

那您能不能先帮我看看作文呢

德克的猪 · 发表于 2007-6-3 21:15:00

(有些地方不是改动,而是替换的建议)

Most(A multitude of) of(如果用many的话,是不用of的哟) people (are) inclined(tend) to do the things they are fond of(我觉得这里说:which appeal to them a great deal). (用一个for来表示因果,将两个句子连接起来)They gain (the) sense of achievement and pleasure through the progress. But is it a wise decision? As a matter of fact, it has been always my belief that one should attempt to(attempt很强调一种主观的,should后面最好不要加attempt,这里就可以直接把should attempt to删掉) participate in the matters he/she(s/he) do(does) not prefer on occasion.

For one thing, the sealed(unknown比较好吧,sealed是一种被动,这里似乎不好) potential might be discovered unconsciously. Since people seldom(你这倒是提醒了我:seldom是一个grandfather级别的词汇,太老了,所以以后不要再写seldom了) attach themselves to their hatred(hatred这个词是<仇恨>的意思,用来形容不喜欢的事物太过头了,就用dislike吧), how they can attain the idea whether they are good at it or not?(这里表达不是很地道,可以说:It is next to impossible for them to know what merits lie behind the surfaces of those dislikes they could obtain) To give a demonstration, I’ll(I will) never forget how I turn(turned) into a huge(huge是强调physical上的,这里应该用fervent表示狂热的) basketball fan. I once fail(注意时态哟,这里应该是failed) to (be) aware (of) that I also could do sports well since I’m a suck runner(suck是个当今比较流行的口语用词,你说某事很烂,就可以说that sucks.但是它的形容词用法我不清楚,同时,这个词很口语化,所以这里不建议使用). Till the(one) day, I was involved in a basketball game accidentally and supringsingly(可以用短语的地方就不用原词:这里改为,to everyone’s surprise,) won the highest scores through the entire course. It makes(made) me realize that I must endow(be endowed,很显然,这里该是被动哟) some gift on the ball and introduces(introduced) another fantastic interest to my life.

For anther, indubitably, it is inconceivable that our desirable matters are around us all the time(这个句子比较诡异,我不太清楚你的意思). In school, our courses cover miscellaneous(miscellaneous是很高级的词,这里用diverse就可以了,因为你的用词要和你的前后文的用词保持在一个档次上才会使文章协调,miscellaneous这样的词显得太高了) knowledge. You may go in for music but math is required simultaneously(这个词不用担心太高级,虽然它很长,但是很常用). Learning it or not apparently don’t(does not) depend on your own preference. In workplace，we may be allocated the job we loathe to do. If so, what we might do(这里就最好不用might了,就说what can you do)? Grumbling your boss’s(boss’) ignorance or just abandoning the job forever? Encountering disagreeable issues is inevitable; we could not just shun in somewhere.

(这段的写作你明显的用了我的替换,用得还是很准确的.但是,你以后还要注意的是:写作的用词要有一个整体的概念:整体的用词的水准最好保持一致,不要一些地方很高,一些地方很一般)

Also, it is far beyond controversy that we derived nothing new from limited desirable activity(activities,你在细节上的错误不少哟). If we merely jog on land we‘ll(we will) never experience coolness of swimming bring to us. If we have costumed to looking for dictionary the convenience of searching online won’t(will not) leaver the deep impression.

After four paragraphs tough writing, I unshakably draw the conclusion that
it is totally not a good idea doing nothing but your favorites. We are required to find out the other side of ourselves and take courage to confront with our own deficiency.

依旧是4分,中档或中档一下.

小错误不少哟,注意时态,单复数,和顺序.

语言的结构应该更复杂和丰富,这个需要多积累.

好好研究我刚发的帖子,里边有具体的解决办法.