Help: Correct my writing

zdlukeluck

(第一印象：很厉害，在30分钟内写了412词。这侧面表现出了你的很好的写作功底和打字速度，这些ETS的阅卷人都是会注意到的，一般上400词的作文，只要方向不错，思路对头，就肯定会得比较高的分数！如：4分的中档或者高档。注：iBT独立写作的满分是5分，你得的分数会被换算。4分也是分等级的，可以粗略的分为上中下。但是所有5分作文都是在一个档次的。)

 

Arts and sports are two hot topics in human’s（our human） history. People, who are living in this world, can not separate(我觉得这里改为live without更清楚，其实你这里是用错了的：separate these two things是将这两个东西分开，而你要表达的意思是我们离不开这两样东西。) these two things. It is hard to judge which one needs to put more money （on，应该是put money on sth，介词不要忘记了）. In my opinion（难道你没有看过我的替换表？in my opinion这样大众的词汇是不要出现的<并不是in my opinion有问题,而是100个中国学生中有99个都会用in my opinion,就如同一样东西再怎么好吃,你一天吃上99次也会吐的,阅卷就像吃东西,所有我希望你是没有用in my opinion的那一个人>，这里用from my perspective<这个短语的使用频率也在攀升,但是再怎么也比in my opinion好>）, as long as people can get benefit(benefit作动词,不用get) from whatever arts or sports, government needs to put certain amount of money on them.

(又是这个错误,我都纠正得想吐了:在agree与disagree, preference的题目中,你必须选择一边支持或这喜好,支持的就要用大多的文笔来写,千万不可以说:A在特定的情况下很好,B在特定的情况下也很好,然后最后说A有A的好处,B有B的好处.这样保持中立的写作是不可以的.或者说我两个都喜欢.你必须选择一者来支持,然后用绝大部分的文字来支持它!千万不可以中立,或者说两个都好,不然你的独立写作就很有可能上不了3分!这篇文章很明显就是中立的!下面仅仅是表达上的修改,你文章的思路是完全错误的,对你句子的提升并不代表我赞成那个句子的含义.）

We all know that the definition of art is such(such一般不这么用,这里用fairly比较好,相当的宽) broad, any kind of works, which are related to people’s creation activities, could be called art. For example, music can be called art, which people can use to compose, sing and dance, etc. By composing or listening to the music, people will relax themselves. Drawing and sculpture are also called arts, which can bring aesthetic feeling to people; some of them even can last several hundred of years.(你这里花一段花来介绍什么是art有什么用处?I am confused.)

 

Usually, by watching national art productions, we can figure out that how art’s standards are in that country. We all know that the history of art is also the history of human. There are countless museums around the world, with which hold historical and contemporary art productions. By looking at all those art’s productions, we can find out human’s history and progresses, which express the whole process of human’s development. All of those art productions, or coming from folk, or coming from collection, are precious treasures. So(Consequently,这个单词比so好很多,因为它更复杂,被中国学生使用的频率更低),(art itself is a symbol of civilization as it conveys the quintessence of culture and teach us about the history of the past simultaneously.你需要通过你的论述来证明’艺术’的重要性,你前面的论述是很不错的,所以我一点都没有改动,但是,你需要有一句话来总结它的重要性,从而表明花钱在艺术上面是有必要的)(In the light of the paramount importance of art)  government needs to consider putting money on arts in order to keep tradition, and encouraging(also encourage) people to create more valuable productions.

(art 和
            sport, 要么在art上花钱,要么在sport上,不可以都花!不要中立!)

 

On the other hand, sports have the same weight with(应该是as吧,如果准确的使用是with的话,你给我说一声) arts. Nowadays(告别nowadays,使用currently), Olympic seems to become a strong symbol of a nation. Four-year round Olympic competition impels(impel的准确意思是:it affects you so strongly that you feel forced to do so.因为impel<它的同义词是force, compel>有force的含义,所以建议不要用,这里用stimulate比较好) many countries to put huge amount of money to support this competition. Those countries, with who want to win all games in the Olympic, put huge money(重复的概念应该避免,很多钱可以说:a astronomic sum of money,天文数字) on training coaches and athletes, say, China-a quintessential example of this. Just like a proverb says: “Ten year’s exercise will get(win) one minute success on the stage”(这是不是英语中的谚语?我不清楚.如果是,当然可以用,如果是中文的翻译,那么慎用.). It is exactly reveal that the process, training a high qualified athlete, is a time consuming and money consuming (is a both time and money consuming) procedure. When seeing their good(outstanding, good这样过于低级的词汇,最好还是不要用吧) performance during(这里有个小建议:during是一个常用的词,但是和它等同的in the duration of却被用得很少,所以你可以常用.当然,during并非不好,只是in the duration of更特别一些) the competition, people usually enjoy the happiness brought by those competitions by forgetting stories behind of those successes(你这段的论述没有说明体育的重要性,也没有说明为什么要投入在体育上,所以论述基本上是失败的).  

 

Nobody will deny(As no doubt,我个人认为比nobody will deny好) that arts and sports will bring many enjoyments(前面有了enjoy,后面不要重复前面的概念,而且bring sb sth也是太初级的说法,这里建议改为:Both arts and sports never fail to gratify our tastes in entertainment or aesthetic aspects) for people; however, government needs to consider that how to direct people to enjoy both of them reasonably. Don’t extremely emphasize one part over the other. Appropriate balance is necessary on putting money in each part.

 

看后印象:论证缺乏逻辑,没有成功的论证为什么要花钱在arts and sports上,而且写了很多很多没有用处的废话.你的语言还是不错的,打字的速度我也认可,但是你必须在论证的本身上多下功夫,你给的理由要能够证明你的选择的正确性,而不是写一些无关紧要的废话.

然后就是:不可以中立!

我的替换表还是好好背吧,上面的很多东西都可以在你的文章中用到,你却没有用.

同时,建议你赶快买本NCE3和NCE4研究研究

joelise

Thank you at first, I try to memorize your examples; however, time for me is limited, I will take part in the test in June 2. I try to work hard, hopfully I can use this limited time get some surprise.