睡眼迷蒙写了第一篇作文。。。希望牛牛们过目一下

嘟嘟yolee

好不容易把一大堆作业赶完刚刚第一篇作文终于出炉了。。。不过觉得写的超没思路。。。大概前面做三角函数头晕。。。我觉得我用连词用不来。。。算了算了总要有个开始。。。

Do you like a new movie theater being built in your neighborhood?

Have you ever got a part-time job in a movie theater that cost you only a few minutes on your way to work? Have you ever enjoyed a movie in the movie theater after a jogging from your home to the movie theater? Have you ever had a discussion on a movie with your friends for over a week? If you had never had these experiences, you would never now how much a movie theater near your home could give you. As a matter of fact, I will be the most excited person on the planet if a movie theater is erected near my home.

The movie theater provides various employment opportunities, such as a booking clerk, a projectionist, a buffet sever and a usher, to the joblessness who are close to the movie theater. It is a strong measure to tackle unemployment. Working in a place adjacent to your home can both save time and transportation fee.

If you have already had a fantastic job and you are affluent, the movie theater will be crucial to you in a like manner. These days, I bumped into a bit more big beefy man adjoining my home, to my surprise, the majority of them has not any neck! It seems that they have too much fat. In view of the seriousness of the problem, I believe that after a movie theater being established besides my home, various absorbing movies may be the motive power that let you jog or walk to the movie theater every days. One of my schoolmates did slow-running to the movie theater adjacent to his home to see a appealing movie invariably during approach a month, eventually, he found it astonished that he had almost lost 10km without any weight-losing diet.

It is indisputable that currently an increasing number of people are beginning to choose to see a movie at home, for its convenience and time-saving advantage. Unfortunately, you will never experience the sound effect and the atmosphere in the movie theater. After seeing a horror movie in the movie theater, once I was alone at home. I checked all the room and hold my books in my hand as a weapon. In contrast, my friend who saw the same movie at home was completely normal. How a simple movie seen at the cinema a week earlier modify my actions.

According to the reasons mentioned above, I extraordinarily like a new movie theater being built in my neighborhood.

[此贴子已经被作者于2007-5-22 17:33:56编辑过]

嘟嘟yolee

有没有人看看。。。

qwer3200

我觉得写的还不错,估计楼主还没有做模版吧

嘟嘟yolee

终于有人回复我了！！真激动。。。

对阿，这是第一篇

cathy201

帮你问了问高手，先耐心等等啊……

zdlukeluck

这个应该发到写作区,在这里很快就会被很多帖子淹没

然后我就看不到了

zdlukeluck

Have you ever got a part-time job in a movie theater that cost you only a few minutes（稍微夸张了点）
                on your way to work? Have you ever enjoyed a movie in the movie theater after a jogging from your home to the movie theater? Have you ever had a discussion on a movie with your friends for over a week?(终于有人犯这个错误了。其实也不算是错误，不过要注意：排比是可以用的，但是用的话最好就用比较有水平的，不然给人的感觉就会不伦不类。同时要提醒的是：排比不一定就是have you...have you...这样很工整的结构，一些较为散的结构实际上也可以构成排比:One thing will provide you with a part-time job which never toils you to death but offer a considerable salary, sounds good? You can also make yourself content via spending some time in it and leave no time for boredom. Appealing? To such attractions, another must be added-it invariably supplies you with adequate material for leisure time chats. Wow, fabulous! Then, what is it-A movie theater.我觉得我这个也一般，只是稍微升了一下级。当然，ETS大概也不会太苛刻，我这里只是建议不要用排比.) If you had never had these experiences, you would never know how much a movie theater near your home could give(offer) you. As a matter of fact, I will be the most excited person on the planet（这个还是太夸张了，不过可以说：I would be the first person to cheer if a movie theater were to be built in our neighborhood） if a movie theater is erected(感动呀，终于有人用我的替换表里边的词汇了，LZ是不是从我的那个表里边看到erect这个词的？erect可是很好的用法) near my home.

(很好很好，没有用模版！模版作文我没有兴趣改。值得鼓励!开头有具体的东西，很好，只是还需要一些加工。)

 

（这里直接就接理由，太突兀了。可以先说：For one thing，）The movie theater provides various(various强调的是different types,在这里不合适，换成considerable，可观的，似乎比较好） employment opportunities, such as（such as这个词被用得太多，这里用say，<say后面要有逗号>代替such as，这是很多中国学生都不会用的,但是很地道） a booking clerk, a projectionist, a buffet sever and a usher, to the(those) joblessness who are(live) close to(around) the movie theater. It is a strong(potent这个单词可以很好的表达你的意思:effective and powerful) measure to tackle(用得好!这里还可以用cope with) unemployment (in our neighborhood,限定是要加的,这样才使文章严谨). Working in a place adjacent(好好好,没有重复!) to your home can both save time and transportation fee(expense开销,fee的意思是:a sum of money that you pay to be allowed to do something,这里不合适).
                

If you have already had a fantastic(语气稍微过了点,用ideal吧) job and you are affluent(完全感动了,affluent,多好的词呀!后面加个enough, you are affluent enough), the movie theater will be crucial(crucial的确是important的意思,但是crucial是比较严肃的那种词汇,这里用可以表达到你的意思,但是过于严重了点.要用important也可以,你就写:XXX plays a important role in XXX) to you in a like manner. These days, I bumped into a bit more big beefy man adjoining my home, to my surprise, the majority(这个词在这里又用得不合适,用most吧) of them has not any neck! It seems that they have too much fat(形容猪可以用fat,但千万不要用fat形容人,因为fat是有一种鄙视和贬义的,overweighed是个不错的选择,过重的,而不是肥猪一般的.你说话的时候也要注意,不要用fat,除非那个人你很讨厌). In view of(高级一点的替换:In the light of,鉴于…) the seriousness of the problem, I believe that after a movie theater being established besides my home, various absorbing movies may be the motive power that let you jog or walk to the movie theater every days(这个也太牵强了.). One of my schoolmates did slow-running to the movie theater adjacent to his home to see a appealing movie invariably(invariably表示“总是”这个概念是很好的，但是表示每天，不间断，这里就用every day) during approach a month, eventually, he found it astonished(amazing or astonishing) that he had almost lost 10kg(其实你说kg美国人不一定清楚是多少，以后作文中距离用miles，重量用lbs，表现出你美国化) without any （加个形容词formidable令人生畏的，来反面衬托movie theater的好处）weight-losing diet.（不一定所有的reasons都要例子来支持，例子如果太牵强，就不要举，比如这段的这个）

 

It is indisputable that currently（好好好，没有用nowadays） an increasing number of people are beginning(这里表达不是很好，可以改为:are gradually accustomed to，渐渐的习惯与) to choose to see a movie at home, for its convenience and time-saving advantage（merits）. Unfortunately, you (simultaneously) will never(lose the chance to) experience the (这里可以用fantastic来修饰了，记住：你要说一个东西好的时候，要用修饰来表明它的好，sound effect不一定是好的，但是fantastic sound effect就是很吸引人的了) sound effect and the atmosphere in the movie theater. After seeing a horror（horrible） movie in the movie theater, once I was alone at home. I checked all the room and hold my books in my hand as a weapon. In contrast(Quite the reverse,恰恰相反的是), my friend who saw the same movie at home was completely normal（我个人认为在家看更恐怖。）. How a simple movie seen at the cinema a week earlier modify my actions（这句话的表意我不清楚）.

 

According to the reasons mentioned above, I extraordinarily like a new movie theater （to be built）being built in my neighborhood.

（结尾还可以多写点，如果时间不够，就算了）

 

不错，终于看到一个摆脱模版束缚的文章了。

至少是不落窠臼。

用词不错，达到了多样性的要求，但是还是比较的欠缺准确性，有的地方用的不合适。有空的时候多查查词典。

LZ 写长难句容易出错或者表意不清楚，需要多练习。NCE3和NCE4是我强烈推荐的。

这里就是这些了，

当然还要推荐我的writing tips和我给别人的修改，看看会有帮助

嘟嘟yolee

太感动拉

我确实有用那个替换表哦

而且是抄在本子上顺便在英语课上背。。。

缺点我要好好改正

zdlukeluck

```不错`

 `有前途的MM

mcgrady923

Have you ever got a part-time job in a movie theater that cost you only a few minutes on your way to work? Have you

ever enjoyed a movie in the movie theater after a jogging from your home to the movie theater? Have you ever had a

discussion on a movie with your friends for over a week? If you had never had these experiences, you would never now(应该是know吧)

how much(感觉没说具体,how much什么?) a movie theater near your home could give you. As a matter of fact, I will be the most excited person on

the planet if a movie theater is erected near my home.

 这段的开头,排比的想法不错,就是排比的内容还要斟酌一下，嘿嘿,如果实在想不出就换个别的开头,因为考试时想一个高质量的排比是比较困难的

 

The movie theater provides various employment opportunities, such as a booking clerk, a projectionist, a buffet

sever and a usher, to the joblessness(这个有”失业者”的意思么?) who are close to the movie theater. It is a strong measure to tackle

unemployment. Working in a place adjacent to your home can both save time and transportation fee.

 

 

If you have already had a fantastic job and you are affluent, the movie theater will be crucial to you in a like

manner. These days, I bumped into a bit more big beefy man adjoining my home, to my surprise, the majority of them

has not any neck! It seems that they have too much fat. In view of the seriousness of the problem, I believe that

after a movie theater being established besides my home, various absorbing movies may be the motive power that let

you(前面都是说THEM, 这里最好继续,不要突然又换成YOU) jog or walk to the movie theater every days. One of my schoolmates did slow-running to the movie theater

adjacent to his home to see a appealing movie invariably during approach a month, eventually, he found it

astonished that he had almost lost 10km without any weight-losing diet.(个人感觉这段的后半部分讲得电影院可以让人们走或跑去,顺便锻炼减肥这个例子有点勉强,楼主可以换一个观点,这个电影院用来锻炼减肥比较难以论证,所以例子就不那么好编造了,嘿嘿,你可以继续支持你在这段的第一个分论点,就是说可以解决失业问题,然后举个例子,比如你家周围原来一群人没工作,整天闲荡,无所事事,现在都去电影院工作了，收入有了，生活美满充实,家庭幸福,etc. 我个人觉得这样能更充分得展开你的分论点,要对ETS的胃口,论述充分,嘿嘿,楼主有意见可以再和我交流,毕竟你限时写的和我没紧迫感时想的不一样J)

 

 

It is indisputable that currently an increasing number of people are beginning to choose to see a movie at home,

for its convenience and time-saving advantage. Unfortunately, you will never experience the sound effect and the

atmosphere in the movie theater. After seeing a horror movie in the movie theater, once I was alone at home. I

checked all the room and hold my books in my hand as a weapon. In contrast, my friend who saw the same movie at

home was completely normal. How a simple movie seen at the cinema a week earlier modify my actions.(楼主这段总体还行,就是在谈到例子的时候,这样写可能代表个体,在这个点上用个体说的话说服力可能不够强,你可以换一下，举个调查的例子,比如according a survey in my community, 有80%以上的居民认为电影院看得气氛和音效要比家里好什么的…, 这样从整体上忽悠ETS,别举那个可爱的小例子J,效果可能会更好)
    

 

 

According to the reasons mentioned above, I extraordinarily like a new movie theater being built in my neighborhood.(哈，最后一段太简单了哦，虎头蛇尾可不行,可以把前面的稍做总结,然后再加一点你的个人展望,什么如果新影院建立起来的话，我们一定会有一个更加丰富多彩色的生活,人们的生活水平将更上一层楼…J)

 

总结一下,语法和单词我就不评价了，自己也水平不高,哈.总体来说楼主现在写作基本功不错,应该在思维上下点功夫,思维上去了,就算文字本身一般,作文也不会差到哪去的,文体什么的可以在平时的阅读中积累,相信楼主一定会写到满分的,哈,加油,MMJ)

[此贴子已经被作者于2007-5-22 20:14:35编辑过]