［５８楼］盼指点6月2日独立写作：上大学前是不是应该找一年旅游或者工作，很多疑问－独立作文学习贴

seamoon8

rio 斑斑，豁然开朗啊，真高兴．

谢谢．

你看你这句话的结尾，bringing benefits to all people的bringing

这个句子偶还以前，中间的adding是插入语，后面的bringing当作分词作目的状语呢，原来这种结构是错误的啊．以后不写了．．

问问，你怎么半夜了还不睡呢？要注意身体啊．

偶订了北极星的书了，等书拿到了，偶再研究一下ＥＴＳ的范文，然后偶把这个电影院再写一遍，再帮偶改啊．

 

夏天了，上盘水果吧．．．

seamoon8

听山版的话，北极星的评分标准买来了，偶在研究北极星的独立作文范文，这部分在书上是一个５分，４分，３分，２分，１分的文章，然后后面有一个测试，有两套题，让给作文打分．根据评分看书上给出的文章能得几分．

偶看着一头雾水，研究了很长时间，不知道这个５分的到底好在哪里，偶觉得写得很乱啊．５５５，偶肯定想得不对．偶把这个得５分作文和ＥＴＳ对这个满分作文的评分注释贴上来，请ＮＮ们看看这个文章到底好在哪里，偶们要学习的是什么．

题目 Do you agree or disagree with the following statement?

Always telling the truth is the most important consideration in any relationship.

Use specific reasons and examples to support your answer.

 

DISHONESTY KILLS RELIABILITY

There are certain considerations of factors that everyone takes into account in a relationship. eople may look for honesty, altruism, understanding, loyalty, being thoughtful etc! Everyone would more or less wish that the person s/he is dealig with, has some of these virtues above. Putting them in an order according to their importancd, however can be very subjective and relative.

When someone asks hime/herself the question"What do I consider to be the most important thing in my relationship?"the answer depends on a lot of factors such as how his/her earlier relationships were.

After stating that everyone's opinion can be diffirent about this, for me honesty, in other words, always telling the truth is the most important consideration in a relationship. Opposite of this is inarguably lying and if someone needs to lie, either s/he is hiding something or is afraid of telling me something.

In any relationship of mine, I would wish that first of all, the person I'm dealing with is honest. Even thouth s/he thinks that s/she did something wrong that I wouldn't like, s/he'd better tell me the truth and not liie about it. Later on if I find out about a lie or hear the truth from someone else, that'd be much more unpleasant. In that case how can I ever believe or trust that person again? How can I ever believe that this person has enough confidence in me to forgive him/her and carry on with the relationship from there. So if I cannot trust a person anyone, if the person doesn't think I can handle the truth, there's no point for continuing that relationship.

Although I would like to see altruistic, understanding, thoughtful and loyal behavior from people, an instance of the opposite of these behaviors would not upset me as much as dishonety would. Among all the possible behaviors, dishonesty is the only one for me that terminates how O feel about a person's reliability. Therefore honesty would be my first concern and the most important consideration in a relationship. 

 

Score 5 :Annotation

In this response the writer first approaches the topic by underscoring that one could consider a number of character traits as being important to a relationship. The writer then effectively develops an agrument that it is dishonesty of unwillingness to fjlly disclose some bad action that, unlike other negative behaviors, cannot be forgiven and is the most important factor in destroying a relationship. Language used here is fluent, accurate, and varied enough to effectively carry the writer's progression and connection of ideas.

偶把评分给译了一下，第一句偶都有疑问，汗哪．．．

第一句，这个作文作者首先通过强调在一个关系中一个人可能考虑许多的性格特征，通过这个来处理话题，主题．

不明白，这个怎么就处理话题了？？？

第二句，作者然后有效地发展了论点，这个论点是：不像其它的负面行为，不诚实或者是不情愿全面揭露一些坏的行为是不可能被原谅的，并且是毁坏一种关系的最重要的因素．

没看出来是怎么有效地发展了论点，偶只知道文章第四段在论证，论证的逻辑顺序偶也看不出来，不知道这个有效体现到哪里去了．？？

第三句，　这儿使用的语言，流利，精确，其且多样化，足够能有效地carry 作者的progression（译不出来？啥意思呢？）和思想的连接．

语言流利，这篇文章体现在哪里呢，多样化又在哪里呢，在原文中找不到啊，这个思想的连接指的是连接词吗？？？

 

这个文章到底好在哪里呢，下面是偶看原文时的问题，原文一共有五段

第一段，每个人考虑一个关系中考虑多种因素，有什么，什么，等等，要把这些关系按照重要排一排　

这种写作的开头是在做什么呢，还写的挺多的，虽然不算是跑题吧，可是跟论证的关系在哪里呢？？？

第二段当有人被问哪个因素更重要的时候，回答依赖于许多因素例如早期关系怎么样　　

偶怎么不明白为什么要写这段话，第一段不是已经写了吗，这里怎么又写了，逻辑啥是为了说明什么呢？？？？

第三段　对我而言说真话最重要．Opposite of this is inarguably lying and if someone needs to lie, either s/he is hiding something or is afraid of telling me something.　

第二句写的这个算是论证吗？是反过来说一下？？？不懂这句话在写作里算不算论证．？？？？

第四段　完全弄不懂这个作文论证的逻辑主线是什么，就觉得一堆话在反复说，是怎么回事呢？？？？

第五段　虽然我也喜欢其它一堆好性格，但是这些好性格的反面不会让我像不诚实一样沮丧．在所有行为里面，不诚实是唯一偶感觉一个人可靠性的终点，所以诚实在一个关系里是偶的最首要关心和最主要的考虑．　

最后一段这样说反过的的性格偶是什么态度是不是呼应前面的第三段的第二句呢，像第三段的第二句话那样反过来说也能叫论证？？？

 

偶对这篇为什么好实在是一头雾水啊，恳请各位ＮＮ根据原文，评分标准，偶对评分标准和原文的问题给予解答啊．

谢谢．．

[此贴子已经被作者于2007-6-3 11:02:56编辑过]

seamoon8

顶一下.

seamoon8

再顶一下，刚发现这个北极星的范文和ＯＧ上的是一样的．

大家看ＯＧ的范文时候是怎么分析的呢，能不能把偶这些问题给讲一讲呢．？

谢谢．

seamoon8

顶，，等解答．

rio

先支持一下这种钻研的精神

rio

不觉得这篇文章好

勉强分析一下

[此贴子已经被作者于2007-6-3 21:29:00编辑过]

德克的猪

哦哦````这个是OG上面的满分范文哟```

我也不觉得这个好`

[此贴子已经被作者于2007-6-3 21:23:28编辑过]

德克的猪

seamoon呀```

你是在写TOEFL作文,不是在写 八股文 哟``````

lxzjojo

以下是引用seamoon8在2007-6-3 10:50:00的发言：

听山版的话，北极星的评分标准买来了，偶在研究北极星的独立作文范文，这部分在书上是一个５分，４分，３分，２分，１分的文章，然后后面有一个测试，有两套题，让给作文打分．根据评分看书上给出的文章能得几分．

偶看着一头雾水，研究了很长时间，不知道这个５分的到底好在哪里，偶觉得写得很乱啊．５５５，偶肯定想得不对．偶把这个得５分作文和ＥＴＳ对这个满分作文的评分注释贴上来，请ＮＮ们看看这个文章到底好在哪里，偶们要学习的是什么．

题目 Do you agree or disagree with the following statement?

Always telling the truth is the most important consideration in any relationship.

Use specific reasons and examples to support your answer.

 

DISHONESTY KILLS RELIABILITY

There are certain considerations of factors that everyone takes into account in a relationship. eople may look for honesty, altruism, understanding, loyalty, being thoughtful etc! Everyone would more or less wish that the person s/he is dealig with, has some of these virtues above. Putting them in an order according to their importancd, however can be very subjective and relative.

When someone asks hime/herself the question"What do I consider to be the most important thing in my relationship?"the answer depends on a lot of factors such as how his/her earlier relationships were.

After stating that everyone's opinion can be diffirent about this, for me honesty, in other words, always telling the truth is the most important consideration in a relationship. Opposite of this is inarguably lying and if someone needs to lie, either s/he is hiding something or is afraid of telling me something.

In any relationship of mine, I would wish that first of all, the person I'm dealing with is honest. Even thouth s/he thinks that s/she did something wrong that I wouldn't like, s/he'd better tell me the truth and not liie about it. Later on if I find out about a lie or hear the truth from someone else, that'd be much more unpleasant. In that case how can I ever believe or trust that person again? How can I ever believe that this person has enough confidence in me to forgive him/her and carry on with the relationship from there. So if I cannot trust a person anyone, if the person doesn't think I can handle the truth, there's no point for continuing that relationship.

Although I would like to see altruistic, understanding, thoughtful and loyal behavior from people, an instance of the opposite of these behaviors would not upset me as much as dishonety would. Among all the possible behaviors, dishonesty is the only one for me that terminates how O feel about a person's reliability. Therefore honesty would be my first concern and the most important consideration in a relationship. 

 

Score 5 :Annotation

In this response the writer first approaches the topic by underscoring that one could consider a number of character traits as being important to a relationship. The writer then effectively develops an agrument that it is dishonesty of unwillingness to fjlly disclose some bad action that, unlike other negative behaviors, cannot be forgiven and is the most important factor in destroying a relationship. Language used here is fluent, accurate, and varied enough to effectively carry the writer's progression and connection of ideas.

偶把评分给译了一下，第一句偶都有疑问，汗哪．．．

第一句，这个作文作者首先通过强调在一个关系中一个人可能考虑许多的性格特征，通过这个来处理话题，主题．

不明白，这个怎么就处理话题了？？？

我以为，这句话的意思是说作者通过列举出一系列可能影响人与人之间关系的因素来带出文章的主旨。这种表达方式属于比较新颖的方式，并不是单刀直入就说自己的看法，而是通过这种列举来引出话题。

第二句，作者然后有效地发展了论点，这个论点是：不像其它的负面行为，不诚实或者是不情愿全面揭露一些坏的行为是不可能被原谅的，并且是毁坏一种关系的最重要的因素．

没看出来是怎么有效地发展了论点，偶只知道文章第四段在论证，论证的逻辑顺序偶也看不出来，不知道这个有效体现到哪里去了．？？

关于这一点，我也窃以为该文章作者的论述不算十分有效，感觉废话比较多。但是，有一点值得注意的，他（她）的确十分清楚地指出了自己的看法：for me honesty, in other words, always telling the truth is the most important consideration in a relationship。并在之后的文字中表达出自己的原因：即使别人做了自己不喜欢的事情，他（她）还是宁可别人对自己说实话。作者的观点是贯穿始终的，而且是由自己的想法和经历来支持的。

第三句，　这儿使用的语言，流利，精确，其且多样化，足够能有效地carry 作者的progression（译不出来？啥意思呢？）和思想的连接．

语言流利，这篇文章体现在哪里呢，多样化又在哪里呢，在原文中找不到啊，这个思想的连接指的是连接词吗？？？

profession在这里应该是指“发展，进展”吧～平心而论，文章的语言的确使用得不错，句式也挺自然和多样化的。有列举，有定语从句，有让步状语从句，有反问有设问，而且最重要的是，句子运用都恰到好处，连接也相当到位啊～随便举几个例子：“Everyone would more or less 。。。”“however can be very subjective and relative。。。” “Even thouth s/he thinks that 。。。, s/he'd better 。。。”这些都是连接得非常好的句子，ＭＭ可以体会一下。

这个文章到底好在哪里呢，下面是偶看原文时的问题，原文一共有五段

第一段，每个人考虑一个关系中考虑多种因素，有什么，什么，等等，要把这些关系按照重要排一排　

这种写作的开头是在做什么呢，还写的挺多的，虽然不算是跑题吧，可是跟论证的关系在哪里呢？？？

第二段当有人被问哪个因素更重要的时候，回答依赖于许多因素例如早期关系怎么样　　

偶怎么不明白为什么要写这段话，第一段不是已经写了吗，这里怎么又写了，逻辑啥是为了说明什么呢？？？？

第三段　对我而言说真话最重要．Opposite of this is inarguably lying and if someone needs to lie, either s/he is hiding something or is afraid of telling me something.　

第二句写的这个算是论证吗？是反过来说一下？？？不懂这句话在写作里算不算论证．？？？？

第四段　完全弄不懂这个作文论证的逻辑主线是什么，就觉得一堆话在反复说，是怎么回事呢？？？？

第五段　虽然我也喜欢其它一堆好性格，但是这些好性格的反面不会让我像不诚实一样沮丧．在所有行为里面，不诚实是唯一偶感觉一个人可靠性的终点，所以诚实在一个关系里是偶的最首要关心和最主要的考虑．　

最后一段这样说反过的的性格偶是什么态度是不是呼应前面的第三段的第二句呢，像第三段的第二句话那样反过来说也能叫论证？？？

 

偶对这篇为什么好实在是一头雾水啊，恳请各位ＮＮ根据原文，评分标准，偶对评分标准和原文的问题给予解答啊．

谢谢．．

最后，必须得表扬一下seamoonＭＭ坚持不懈的钻研精神～但是你其实不需要在作文上太较真的，毕竟这个东东有些主观因素，你只需要理解ＯＧ高分作文的要求就可以了，不需要强迫自己完全按照它的写法的。

关于你对文章的一堆疑问，我就不一一分析了，希望你对好作文的理解在于它对作文要求的体现上。

[此贴子已经被作者于2007-6-3 21:49:36编辑过]