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请山版帮改一下作文

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楼主
发表于 2007-2-27 14:31:00 | 只看该作者

请山版帮改一下作文

Nowadays, there are many people who cast serious doubts on that one man could achieve success if he only has a little money, and they insist on that possession is a significant factor to success. But I have to say that, if I were faced with the decision, I would probably follow that success means much more than owning a lot of money. In other word, though one man owns the possession which may be not everyone have the ability to achieve, it is not means that success can not be brought to him by the possession. The reasons why I think so go as follows.

 

 

The first and the most important factor lies on that success can not be valued by the amount of money. In my opinion, success has nothing with money. It can be given a concrete example, Yuan Longping, a famous scientist, owned little money, but he was respected by many people for his hard working and achievement on agriculture. There is no doubt that he is a successful scientist without a lot of money.

 

Another reason why I dispute the above statement is that money can not bring delight for us. I mean, if a person who is very rich were always immerged in depression, you should not consider him as a successful man. Because that the ability to manage one’s own business well is a basic character of a successful person. This demonstrates the undeniable fact that money can not bring pleasure and success for us.

 

 

Finally, many dreams can be met by money indeed, but I want to say that the person who can fulfill others' dreams through hard working is a real successful man, a real hero.

 

 

In summary, you must not weight one man only through one’s possession, you should consider his contributions to others as the most important factor. As my English teacher put it, “Don’t become the slave of money, it means nothing to some extent”. Taking into account all these factors, we can easily arrive at the conclusion that there is little connection between money and success.

 

 


[此贴子已经被作者于2007-2-27 14:32:04编辑过]
沙发
 楼主| 发表于 2007-2-27 21:39:00 | 只看该作者
up!!
板凳
发表于 2007-2-27 22:02:00 | 只看该作者
以下是引用knightlj在2007-2-27 14:31:00的发言:

Nowadays, there are many people who cast serious doubts on that one man could achieve success if he only has a little money, and they insist on that possession is a significant factor to success.

But
     I have to say that, if I were faced with the decision, I would probably follow that success means much more than owning a lot of money. In other word, though one man owns the possession which may be not everyone have the ability to achieve, it is not means that success can not be brought to him by the possession. The reasons why I think so go as follows.

绿色的说明语言口语化,红色的说明语法有问题,浅蓝色的说明语言欠妥当,绝对化或者结构欠佳。

绿色的说明语言口语化,红色的说明语法有问题,浅蓝色的说明语言欠妥当,绝对化或者结构欠佳。


[此贴子已经被作者于2007-2-27 22:06:01编辑过]
地板
发表于 2007-2-27 22:13:00 | 只看该作者
以下是引用knightlj在2007-2-27 14:31:00的发言:

The first and the most important factor lies on that success can not be valued by the amount of money. In my opinion, success has nothing with money. It can be given a concrete example, Yuan Longping, a famous scientist, owned little money, but he was respected by many people for his hard working and achievement on agriculture. There is no doubt that he is a successful scientist without a lot of money.

 蓝色:用词冗长,表达少用被动态,整个句子的重心在哪里请明确。绿色:口语化且有语法错误。红色:用词请准确,不要将中文意思直译,而因意译。


5#
发表于 2007-2-27 22:15:00 | 只看该作者

山版近日非常忙,所以本人越俎代庖,代其改。请LZ见谅。

本人改动之处若欠妥,LZ请明说。再讨论。


[此贴子已经被作者于2007-2-27 22:16:41编辑过]
6#
 楼主| 发表于 2007-2-28 09:57:00 | 只看该作者

多谢指点!

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