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5分作文请大家拍砖.

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楼主
发表于 2005-9-30 05:16:00 | 只看该作者

5分作文请大家拍砖.

这是经过ETS电脑评分的.电脑给了5分,可我不知道自己到底错在哪里,请大家帮忙找找.谢谢了



After one day hard study or hard working we always feel very tired and need something to relax. We have a lot of activities to reduce our psychological pressure to the minimum level of which taking excise is one option. Because of the scarcity of the gymnasiums in our school , If give me a choice to make one change in our school, I will choose to build an gymnasium in our school.



If we have an gymnasium we can take excise. Taking excise can build  the muscles, speed up the blood circulation and fresh our mind. Thus we could not only to avoid medical problems but also keep us healthy. When I was very young I always get sick when the weather changes .taking medicine is like eating food for me .But after I took thirty minutes excise everyday regularly   I was never sick again. Therefore, the gymnasium is very important for me and I hope our school can build one gymnasium.



Moreover, we also can meet new friends when we take excise in the gymnasium. I have several friends who I met in the gymnasium. We always go to the gymnasium together and go back home together. We may want to sleep more in the weekend and do not want to take excise, but how do you feel if you let others wait in the gymnasium for you? Would you still want to sleep? Hence go to gymnasium also keep your lifestyle regularly.


An other reason is that taking excise in the gymnasium  can improve our willpower which is a important factor to the success and we can enjoy higher team work spirits with others too. when we take excise by ourselves we could not keep very long time, but when we see others prefect results we will feel full of energy and keep doing , we will never give up when we feel tired . Evidently , I firmly wish we can have a gymnasium in our school.


In conclusion, from the reasons I presented above, we can truly benefit a lot from gymnasium. So build an gymnasium in our school is my finally choice.

沙发
发表于 2005-9-30 12:42:00 | 只看该作者

If    大写错了


an gymnasium 这个不知是不是元音,呵呵,写出来教教我,元音的都忘的差不多了


excise  exercise吧


could not only to    to去掉


When I was very young I always get sick when the weather changes,时态


taking medicine ,没大写


everyday  分开写吧


Hence go to gymnasium also keep your lifestyle regularly.      going


a important factor


prefect 词错了


keep doing   后面要不要加something?     这句话后面也差个连词


gymnasium,单独出现


So build an gymnasium        building


还有几个不清楚,企望后来人指引.   

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