Please help me review this essay and give my comment...

tina_aya

Can someone help me review this essay?  Is this good or not.  ls everybody advise comment to me.  Thks everyone help....^^

  In no more than five sentences, please describe the professional environment in which you envision yourself one year after obtaining your MBA. Please be as specific as possible, including job title/description, industry and if possible, firm.

Internationalization is a current trend. After one year MBA course, it will increase my business knowledge of ability and more depth international concept. Compared with the same age business people, my English communication skill is better and has better competition capability. When I come back to our company, I believe upon my ability that after had trained by your MBA course I will push our company to an international stage and being a more important role in company and earn more money.

eeyupyup

1. How can one year MBA program help you improve your ability? You might say XXX's school's internation focuse will help me....

2. business people at the same age, not "the same age business people." and why will you say that here, it is redundant. Just say "compared with other business people"

3. It feels like the communication skill is the most important thing you get from a b-school. If so, why dont you just go to a language school with some business focus?

4. you never say "earn more money". NEVER!!! say make it more profitable, or whatever!

my 2 cents.

shouyang12

先审清楚题目吧

你好想答非所问

shouyang12

用五句话,简单描述MBA毕业后你的工作

包括工作头衔/描述,行业,可能的话具体公司

cicilla

感觉语言比较中国化了点，不好意思这么说。不过真的要好好改改，officer们每天看那么多地essay，如果感觉语言读起来别扭（虽然不要那么得native，我们也做不到）肯定就是不行的。

[此贴子已经被作者于2005-9-22 0:42:30编辑过]

jzchina

我感觉你写的英语用词不太地道，句子不太简练，总之不是地道的英语。需要变动的太多了。如果让老外看的话可能会觉得英语水平不过关。

wingback

好像文不对题吧？确实比较Chinglish了一点，不是中国人还真的很难看懂啊。

udream

please rewrite it. 其实是问你的毕业后的近期打算是做什么的.一个例子是:

After graduation, I would like to work for an international trading company to perform strategic annalysis and business development by leveraging my exceptional .... experience gained prior to school and my ............that I have learnt from my two-year MBA study.

Swinerton

以下是引用tina_aya在2005-9-21 19:45:00的发言：

Can someone help me review this essay?  Is this good or not.  ls everybody advise comment to me.  Thks everyone help....^^

  In no more than five sentences, please describe the professional environment in which you envision yourself one year after obtaining your MBA. Please be as specific as possible, including job title/description, industry and if possible, firm.

Internationalization is a current trend. After one year MBA course, it will increase my business knowledge of ability and more depth international concept. Compared with the same age business people, my English communication skill is better and has better competition capability. When I come back to our company, I believe upon my ability that after had trained by your MBA course I will push our company to an international stage and being a more important role in company and earn more money.

no offense. you need to improve your writing a lot. too many grammar mistakes.

and, you actually did not tell adcome what you exactly want to do.

v22

the wording in the passage need to be omproved first...

moreover , i find some grammer mistake:my English communication skill is better and has better competition capability. ............... I believe upon my ability that after had trained by your MBA course I will push our company to an international stage and being a more important role in company and earn more money.

Feel very uncomfortable~~~~