Afaid of facing my failure

mmimiyami

Today I heard of that we could see the outcome of the evaluation from our manager, I don't have the barve to check it.
Cause I know that, if my result is bad, I will get upset and feel a huge failure. My all evaluation is caculated by one manager whom I like  and admire a lot, then I can accume that he doen't like me or at least he doesn't agree with my work. Then I will doubot myseld more, will thougt my personailty capacity is low. I know all this comes from the year before last year's delay. Since then, I always feel I'm lower than my colleagues and lost a lof of confidence.
I know that I'm trying yo hide my shorty, I thought if I don't face it, then the problem didnt exitant, I'm cheating on myself I know that, But I still don't want to check the result.I don't know how to face it if it's bad,I don't know if I could handle the disappointing result.I also will fell embrassed of myself.
I leave a meessage to my threpist, I did this action in order to let her convince me or find out what's wrong with me or anylise how to untripped from the last failure.I don't know what she will say,if she say anything,i will talk with her about my this problem with her during our next seesion.
That's all for today.Goodnight.
今天听说公司绩效考核散点图出来了，我却不敢查看。
因为我知道我所有的考核都是同一位经理评价的，如果结果不尽如意的话，我会不开心，将会继续怀疑自己的能力，而且可以推测出其实这位经理并不喜欢我，或者至少不认可我的工作。
我知道我现在的害怕源于2年前的delay，从那以后很害怕查看绩效考核，打听别人的工资水平，当注会成绩出来后也害怕查询，以前的失败让自己产生了害怕的感觉。但是很久以前当我上学的时候自己并不是这个样子的，那个时候成绩好，自从工作以后，比自己强的人越来越多，我总是去掩盖自己的缺点，不敢正视自己的落后，试图不去面对，以为不知道结果或者不知道事实那么令人悲伤的局面就是不存在的。
但是我还是不敢查询。我不知道如何该去面对不尽人意的结果，我也不知道如果是不好的结果，这个打击会对我有什么样的影响。我可能太渴望是个好结果了。

mmimiyami

My therapist replied: just thought of the worst ending, get the preparation, and be brave and see it. You have to face it anyway No matter it's early or late, the earlier you face it the more possible you will get.
你可以想一个最差的结果，给自己做好心理预设，然后准备好了，勇敢的去看。事情总要面对的，早一天面对就早一点有新的可能。那么我想到到的最差的结果就是我经理给我的评价超级不好，完全不符合真实情况，然后他对我以前的工作一点也不认可，我会被delay,然后我会感觉很丢人，但是这个会更加坚定我要好好学习英语，争取留学的机会。人会嗜挫折，挫折多了，会更加成长。我需要面对这个别人给我的评价，因为以后还会面对特别多的，比如留学考试的，申请学校的，申请工作的，等等，以后需要查看这种结果的内容太多了，我需要一个个得去学着面对，然后在一次次的面对中学着成长。面对是成长的第一步。