（寫作小分隊）新手初試，麻煩指教！

jirou1212 · 发表于 2013-10-9 22:07:56

10.08 獨

Colleges or Universities should offer more courses to prepare students for the future before they start working.

Collage is place for learning general concept of knowledge; it could also provide principles, methods andguidance for students’ reference, the most important, learning how to learn. However, to be frankly, schools and workplaces are different from head to tail.In my point of view, it would be more effective that letting students to focus on their proficiency, special skills and interests instead of squeezing more classes into their busy schedule.

First of all, thereare more and more so called ‘’diversified curriculum” could be found incollages courses options, yet not all of them are holding real functions. Takeme for example, I was taking several courses that teaching me about work ethic and office manners last semester. They were all inspiring and knowledgeable.Unfortunately, my average grades went down to an unreasonable level at the endof the semester due to the time I spending on other researches. I was distracting from my goal, which is my proficiency.

Then, here comes the worst part, one of my friend working at a trading company often told me situations happened in office that I would never thought of. None of the learning in my class can deal with his situation. Thus, I believe there is something that we can neither learn it in classroom, nor specialized courses.

In conclusion, it is a good intention of school to offer such courses in helping students. But before that, I suggest they could rethink and look back on what is the most significant key factor of student’s future. I persist that adding more relativeness courses is not going to have a positive effect as they assume, yet making it worse.

苦大仇深的Lexi · 发表于 2013-10-9 22:41:12

Collage is a place for learning general concept of knowledge; it could also provide principles, methods and guidance for student as reference. The most important thing is learning how to learn. However, to be frankly, schools and workplaces are different from head to tail.In my point of view, it would be more effective that letting students to focus on their proficiency, special skills and interests instead of squeezing more classes into their busy schedule.

First of all, there are more and more so called ‘’diversified curriculum” which could be found in collages courses options, yet not all of them are holding real functions. Take my experience for example, I was taking several courses about work ethic and office manners last semester. They were all inspiring and knowledgeable.Unfortunately, my average grades went down to an unreasonable level at the end of the semester due to the time I spending on other researches. I was distracting from my goal, which is my proficiency.

Then, here comes the worst part, one of my friend working at a trading company often told me situations happened in office that I would never thought of. None of the knowledge learning from my classes can deal with his situation. Thus, I believe there is something that we can neither learn it in classroom, nor specialized courses.

In conclusion, it is a good intention of school to offer such courses in helping students. But before that, I suggest they could rethink and look back on what is the most significant key factor of student’s future. I persist that adding more relativeness courses is not going to have a positive effect as they assume, yet making it worse.

红字为错误蓝字为建议
文中有很多很出彩的词组! 我要好好向你学习
文章结尾段很赞,但是中间展开部分的内容不是很足够. 第二第三段跟开头段差不多长,甚至更短. 多添加一些内容会更好

jirou1212 · 发表于 2013-10-9 23:47:48

10/8綜

Both the article and lecture are focusing on whether the portrait of a woman created by the seventeenth-century painter, Rembrandt. The passage pointed out several doubtful evidences included the inconsistency of woman’s dress, methods of dealing with the light sources and pieces of glutted wood panel in disputing that the painting is attributed to Rembrandt.
On the other hand, the speaker in the lecture opposed each argument with explanations.

First of all, the lecturer said the analyzing through x-ray operating on the painting found out different pigment used. She assumed that probably someone added up the fur collar in order to higher the painting’s value and sale for a sufficient price. This explains the inconsistency in cloth that was questioning in the article.

According to the first point, the speaker mentioned that there is a layer added onto the original painting that caused the incorrect lighting in painting. In fact, the under layer was coherent, with the light color clothing reflection, the woman’s face illuminated. This research approves that Rembrandt was still a master of painting light and shadow.

Finally, though the passage articulated that the back of the painting reveals something. “The wood panel was also been fixed, and glued together by pieces of extra wood to grand it “lecturer said. Actually, as what researchers assumed, the single piece of wood panel of “portrait of an elderly woman” is from the exactly same tree as Rembrandt’s another self-portrait painting. This certified the realness that this piece of artwork was draw by Rembrandt.

jirou1212 · 发表于 2013-10-9 23:50:02

苦大仇深的Lexi 发表于 2013-10-9 22:41
Collage is a place for learning general concept of knowledge; it could also provide principles, meth ...

我是新手還在練速度當中
在短短時間內打出來的內容真的好有限喔～
我也像你學習內容豐富度：ＤＤ
all in all! 感謝批改跟指教
一同努力

苦大仇深的Lexi · 发表于 2013-10-10 10:08:54

Both the article and lecture focus on whether the portrait of a woman created by the seventeenth-century painter, Rembrandt. The passage pointed out several doubtful evidences included the inconsistency of woman’s dress, methods of dealing with the light sources and pieces of glutted wood panel,disputing that the painting is attributed to Rembrandt.
On the other hand, the speaker in the lecture opposed each argument with explanations.

First of all, the lecturer said that the analysis through x-ray operating on the painting found out different pigment used.(个人觉得find out的主语是人的话更合理,after analyzing the painting with x-ray, experts found out that different pigment were used ) She assumed that probably someone added up the fur collar in order to raise the painting’s value and sell at a sufficient price. This explains the inconsistency in cloth that was questioning in the article.

According to the first point, the speaker mentioned that there is a layer added onto the original painting that caused the incorrect lighting in painting. In fact, the under layer was coherent, with the light color clothing reflection, the woman’s face illuminated. This research approves that Rembrandt was still a master of painting light and shadow.(总结句可以改一下,因为文章中并不是反驳rembrandt不是光影大师,如果觉得写这个作品是的R的略显重复的话,就干脆不要结尾多写点听力内容)

Finally, though the passage articulated that the back of the painting reveals something. “The wood panel was also been fixed, and glued together by pieces of extra wood to grand it “lecturer said. Actually, as what researchers assumed, the single piece of wood panel of “portrait of an elderly woman” is from the exactly same tree as Rembrandt’s another self-portrait painting. This certified the realness that this piece of artwork was draw by Rembrandt.

听力内容记得很全,语言组织能力超好
只是一些细节的地方可以再斟酌一下

jirou1212 · 发表于 2013-10-10 22:46:21

10/9
獨

Agree or disagree: Your job has greater happiness than your social life.

Everyone in the world has to work; this is a way we earn money to survive. However, our satisfaction is not completely coming from the amount of your salaries. I believe a good social life is the source of happiness. According to plenty of studies, a firmly and reliable social network plays a significant role in human's mental and physical health. I would like to take some examples from an article I read about to explain my view on healthy life and happiness.
First of all, in the passage it mentioned that people are social animals; we all need to interact with people no matter who we are. When we feel happy or sad, we always need to share it out with someone otherwise everything would seem meaningless. Whereas the person is introverts or extroverts, a man built up their social life in different ways, and the biggest purpose of the behavior is to feel the happiness.
In additionally, I think it is needless to say that spending time with friends is way much pleasant than dealing with thousands of documents in the office. Take my experience for example; I always like to call my friend out when I all stressed out from my job. My friends would listen to my problems and give me some advice. I feel relaxing and happy after talking to them. It does not matter where or what to eat, the best part is accompany and understanding by others.
At last but not least, I believe job can brings accomplishments and achievements into our lives, but it merely is a process making money. Nonetheless, a good social life in workplace is also important. No one would like to work at a place with people unpleasant.
In a nutshell, social life is what we have to working the most. With the support of it, our life would be better and happier.

jirou1212 · 发表于 2013-10-10 22:57:27

10/9
綜

TPO4

The article is mainly about whether the dinosaurs are endotherms. It briefly explained the definition of endotherms and provided several factors to catalogue dinosaur into constant temperature animal. On the other hand, the speaker argued with the passage with her explanations on each point.
First of all, the speaker pointed out that the polar area where been found with dinosaurs fossils were no as cold as today's climate. In addition, she said that dinosaurs migrated to other warmer places and or hibernated during winter in the polar area.
Second, the speaker said that the position of legs could have different purpose other than running. As the reason why dinosaur's leg located underneath instead of on the side of their bodies, to support their huge weight explained the structure. Moreover, it is beneficial for them to be big, they don’t even need to run.
Finally, to argue with the point in the passage, the speaker articulated that the grow rings on their bone influenced by the weather they lived. Dinosaurs grow slower in cold places and vise versa. This is conflict with the point that endotherms grow in a rapid path even the weather become cool.

苦大仇深的Lexi · 发表于 2013-10-11 10:38:32

10/9
獨

Agree or disagree: Your job has greater happiness than your social life.

Everyone in the world has to work; this is a way we earn money to survive. However, our satisfaction is not completely coming from the amount of your salaries. I believe that(省略的话就太口语化了) a good social life is the source of happiness. According to plenty of studies, a firm and reliable social network plays a significant role in human's mental and physical health. I would like to take some examples from an article I read about to explain my view on healthy life and happiness.
First of all, in the passage it mentioned that people are social animals; we all need to interact with people no matter who we are. When we feel happy or sad, we always need to share it out with someone otherwise everything would seem meaningless. Whereas the person is introverts or extroverts, a man built up their social life in different ways, and the biggest purpose of the behavior is to feel the happiness.
In additionally, I think it is needless to say that spending time with friends is way much more pleasant than dealing with thousands of documents in the office. Take my experience for example; I always like to call my friend out when I all(这个all的用法我不是很明白呢) stressed out from my job. My friends would listen to my problems and give me some advice. I feel relaxing and happy after talking to them. It does not matter where or what to eat, the best part is accompanied and understanded by others.
At last but not least, I believe job can brings accomplishments and achievements into our lives, but it merely is a process making money. Nonetheless, a good social life in workplace is also important. No one would like to work at a place with people unpleasant.
In a nutshell, social life is what we have to working the most. With the support of it, our life would be better and happier.

语法错误基本没有,有些词汇很出彩
三个分论点都不错,如果把打字速度锻炼的快一些,可以在分论点下多加点具体例子

苦大仇深的Lexi · 发表于 2013-10-11 10:44:45

10/9
綜

TPO4

The article is mainly about whether the dinosaurs are endotherms. It briefly explained the definition of endotherms and provided several factors to catalogue dinosaur into constant temperature animal. On the other hand, the speaker argued with the passage with her explanations on each point.
First of all, the speaker pointed out that the polar area where been found with dinosaurs fossils were no as cold as today's climate. In addition, she said that dinosaurs migrated to other warmer places or hibernated during winter in the polar area.
Second, the speaker said that the position of legs could have different purpose other than running. As the reason why dinosaur's leg located underneath instead of on the side of their bodies, to support their huge weight explained the structure. Moreover, it is beneficial for them to be big, they don’t even need to run.(这句话是否改成过去时更好呢)
Finally, to argue with the point in the passage, the speaker articulated that the grow rings on their bone influenced by the weather they lived. Dinosaurs grow slower in cold places and vise versa. This is conflict with the point that endotherms grow in a rapid path even the weather become cool.

概括的很简练,一点多余话都没有,关键点都有说到
我发现你的作文真的错误率超少!
最后一段的话,我个人认为把haversian canals存在但也不说明恐龙是常温动物这一点加进去更好一些

天空的颜色 · 发表于 2013-10-16 17:17:14

亲~我10.15的综合请求批改哈~谢谢啦http://forum.chasedream.com/thread-876273-1-1.html

（寫作小分隊）新手初試，麻煩指教！

所属分类: TOEFL / IELTS

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