暑假再战托福~~~作文贴，求批改+指点

艾米果果 · 发表于 2013-5-3 21:04:44

天道酬勤，加油O(∩_∩)O

艾米果果 · 发表于 2013-5-3 21:09:24

5.3 独立写作
Do you agree or disagree with the following statement?
The parents spend too much time on determining future things of children. children can make choices.

There is no denying that parents play indispensable roles in one's growth process. They not only give us lives, but also act as our spiritual mentors, sharing the joy of our triumphs and guiding us out of the low times. What's more, it is not uncommon to see parents make decisions, which exert tremendous impact on children's future, for their teenagers. Some people accuse such parents of being too autocratic and leaving no chance for their kids to make their own choices. Nevertheless, these people neglect the difficulties teenagers are faced with when they make options, and they make conclusion too hastily. Therefore, from my perspective this conclusion is biased and unacceptable.

To begin with, adolescents in the present have a hard time making objective decisions, in that there exist detrimental influences on children in modern society. Today, the society is full of temptation, while children are easily to be susceptible to surroundings and make wrong decisions. Because they are not mature, they lack capability to distinguish between right and wrong. For example, some incorrect and distorted social values are presented in television programs. Children tend to unconsciously or subconsciously imitate something in these kinds of programs. Money worship is saturated in the popular TV dramas such as Gossip Girl. If parents let children make their own decision and provide no advice, it is highly possible that they become so money-obsessed and make choices only considering money. Thus in some cases it is necessarily for parents to make decisions for teenagers.

Apart from the adverse effect from the society, the other big obstacle to make good choices by teenagers themselves is that they did not accumulate enough experiences to determine optimal choice. When we make decisions, special experiences or knowledge are required. It is wise to resort to the assistance of parents for the correct solution. The decision suggested by parents can be expected to be more suitable, since this decision will avoid one making the same mistake their parents made as well as save time and effort. Consequently, adolescents can get the best results under their parents' guidance rather than suffer from unsatisfied aftermath of their own decision.

Last but not the least, it is the parent who know children best, not kids themselves. Before adulthood, parents are the people we spend the longest time with, they know the strength and weakness of their kids like the palm of their hand. As the old saying puts:' The onlooker sees most of the game.' When making decision children may be subject to their emotion or cognitive bias, failing to do the right choice and miss opportunities. Whereas, parents can objectively and fairly analyze the consequences resulted by different decisions, weigh the pros and cons and then the best choice.

To sum up, I disagree with the conclusion that teenagers are able to make decision alone. This impetuous society has an adverse effect on making decisions. Moreover, only when you have rich experiences which children do not have and make decisions based on thorough decision can you get a optimal choice. All these factors combining together precipitates parents make decision for their teenagers.

艾米果果 · 发表于 2013-5-4 15:01:54

5.4 独立写作
Do you agree or disagree with the following statement?
It is more important for schools to fund their students’ social activities than to improve students’ meals.

In this rapid changing society, the responsibility of a school is no longer confined to impart theoretical knowledge to students. Schools are supposed to shoulder the responsibilities of maintaining students' fitness and enriching their social life. It may seem as if both of these two responsibilities are equally crucial. Nevertheless, it is wise for a school to spend money on students' social activities rather than improve students' meals, considering the benefits that social activities can bring about.

To begin with, attending the social activities is good for students' study, in that social activities give students an opportunity to learn thing outside the class and better grasp of what has been taught in class. For instance, students may visit a museum to appreciate the real Renaissance oil painting, then they will have a more comprehensive understanding in what are taught in an arts class. What's more, joining in social activities also allow students relax and relieve themselves from the heavy academic stress, therefore they can better concentrate on study at school. Research conducted by China child and youth development committee has shown that students who participate in social activities more than 5 hours a week get higher scores in standard test on average than those who take part in social activities less than 5 hours a week.

Apart from the blessings mentions above, social activities can promote personal development. Admittedly, learning theoretical knowledge plays a crucial role on students’ way to success, it is not the only factor exert impact on success in future. Some other skills such as communication skill, team spirit are significant to students. Taking part in extra-curricular activities can enhance students’ person abilities. For instance, joining a volunteer activities and being a volunteer in cultivates one's patience. Being the leader in an organization will equip the students with the ability to handle complex problem. That is to say, by boosting student’s person development social activities gives competitive edge to them.

Last but not the least, nowadays the majority of students are in good health condition, even are over nutrition, so there is no need to improve students' meal. When their parents were children, people struggled to make ends meet and had no more money to buy more meat. However, with the boom of material wealth, it is not uncommon to see beef, mutton even lobster in ordinary people's meal. Many adolescents suffer from obesity due to intake overload high protein and high fat food. To some extent, spending on improving meals is a waste of money.

In a nut shell, school had better focus money on funding social activities. In this way, students learning ability as well as person abilities will be improved, therefore benefits a student in long term.

applesoforever · 发表于 2013-5-4 16:02:13

艾米果果发表于 2013-5-3 21:09
5.3 独立写作
Do you agree or disagree with the following statement?
The parents spend too much time ...

Do you agree or disagree with the following statement?
The parents spend too much time on determining future things of children. children can make choices.

There is no denying that parents play indispensable roles in one's （明确点是不是比较好？比如children）growth process. They not only give us lives, but also act as our spiritual mentors, sharing the joy of our triumphs and guiding us out of the low times. What's more, it is not uncommon to see parents make decisions, which exert tremendous impact on children's future, for their teenagers. Some people accuse such parents of being too autocratic and leaving no chance for their kids to make their own choices. Nevertheless, these people neglect the difficulties teenagers are faced with when they make options, and they make conclusions too hastily. Therefore, from my perspective this conclusion（题中谈不上结论，只是一种说法，所以类似于statement之类的词可能会比较好） is biased and unacceptable.

To begin with, adolescents in the present have a hard time making objective decisions, in that there exist detrimental influences on children in modern society. Today, the society is full of temptation, while children are easily to be susceptible to surroundings and make wrong decisions. Because they are not mature, they lack capability to distinguish between right and wrong（right from wrong?）. For example, some incorrect and distorted social values are presented in television programs. Children tend to unconsciously or subconsciously imitate something(最好具体化下) in these kinds of programs. Money worship is saturated in the popular TV dramas such as Gossip Girl. If parents let children make their own decision and provide no advice, it is highly possible that they become so money-obsessed and make choices only considering money. Thus in some cases it is necessarily（necessary） for parents to make decisions for teenagers.

Apart from the adverse effect from the society, the other big obstacle to make good choices by teenagers themselves is that they did not accumulate enough experiences to determine optimal choices. When we make decisions, special（具有special的人少，是不是影响论证？） experiences or knowledge are required. It is wise to resort to the assistance of parents for the correct solution. The decision suggested by parents can be expected to be more suitable, since this decision will avoid one making the same mistake their parents made as well as save time and effort（这句读着有点绕口）. Consequently, adolescents can get the best results under their parents' guidance rather than suffer from unsatisfied aftermath of their own decisions.

Last but not the least, it is the parent who know children best, not kids themselves. Before adulthood, parents are the people we spend the longest time with, they know the strength and weakness of their kids like the palm of their hand. As the old saying puts:' The onlooker sees most of the game.' When making decision children may be subject to their emotion or cognitive bias, failing to do the right choices and miss opportunities. Whereas, parents can objectively and fairly analyze the consequences resulted by different decisions, weigh the pros and cons and then（少了个动词？） the best choice.

To sum up, I disagree with the conclusion that teenagers are able to make decisions alone. This impetuous society has an adverse effect on making decisions（这句加个对象是不是好点？）. Moreover, only when you have rich experiences which children do not have and make decisions based on thorough decision can you(you can) get a optimal choice. All these factors combining together precipitates parents make decision for their teenagers.

总结：高亮部分是亮点。论证方面不错。
单词单复数要注意下。

applesoforever · 发表于 2013-5-4 16:06:19

好吧。。。高亮被cd屏了

applesoforever · 发表于 2013-5-5 15:26:43

Do you agree or disagree with the following statement?
It is more important for schools to fund their students’ social activities than to improve students’ meals.

In this rapidly changing society, the responsibility of a school is no longer confined to impart theoretical knowledge to students. Schools are supposed to shoulder the responsibilities of maintaining students' fitness and enriching their social life. It may seem as if both of these two responsibilities are equally crucial. Nevertheless, it is wise for a school to spend money on students' social activities rather than improve students' meals, considering the benefits that social activities can bring about.

To begin with, attending the social activities is good for students' study, in that social activities give students an opportunity to learn things outside the class and better grasp of what has been taught in class. For instance, students may visit a museum to appreciate the real Renaissance oil painting, then they will have a more comprehensive understanding in what are taught in an arts class. What's more, joining in social activities also allow students relax and relieve themselves from the heavy academic stress, therefore they can better concentrate on study at school. Research conducted by China child and youth development committee has shown that students who participate in social activities more than 5 hours a week get higher scores in standard test on average than those who take part in social activities less than 5 hours a week.

Apart from the blessings mentions above, social activities can promote personal development. Admittedly, learning theoretical knowledge plays a crucial role on students’ way to success, it is not the only factor exert impact on success in future. Some other skills such as communication skill,(and) team spirit are significant to students. Taking part in extra-curricular activities can enhance students’ person abilities. For instance, joining a volunteer activities(activity) and being a volunteer in cultivates(cultivate) one's patience. Being the leader in(of) an organization will equip the students with the ability to handle complex problems. That is to say, by boosting student’s person development social activities gives competitive edge to them.

Last but not the least, nowadays the majority of students are in good health condition, even are over nutrition, so there is no need to improve students' meal. When their parents were children, people struggled to make ends meet and had no more money to buy more meat. However, with the boom of material wealth, it is not uncommon to see beef, mutton even lobster in ordinary people's meal. Many adolescents suffer from obesity due to intake overload high protein and high fat (high-calorie) food. To some extent, spending on improving meals is a waste of money.

In a nut shell, school had better focus money on funding social activities. In this way, students' learning ability as well as personal abilities will be improved, therefore benefits(benefiting) a student in long term.

总结：注意单词单复数就好~~
我还不太会改作文，改得不好之处请见谅~~目前能力有限^^不过我会努力加油的
优点：有些动词用得很好。
说meals不好那段用个反问句是不是更好点？

艾米果果 · 发表于 2013-5-5 19:34:54

Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? Nowadays, neighbors depend on each other less than people in the past.

With the boom of technological innovation and the economical prosperity, there is a dramatic shifted in the way people live. One of the obvious changes is that we become less depend on the people live near around us.

To begin with, many of the things once we rely on our neighbor are replaced by new things. In the past, if one had to go to another place for a long time and there remains no one in the house, he may ask his neighbor to protect his house by pay an attention whether strangers approach to the house. However, all these work can be done with an advanced burglary protection system. Moreover, with cameras instilled in the house, the master could see what occur in the house on the cell phone screen in his office. When people run of necessities of life such as rice, salt in the past, they had no choice but only to borrow from neighbor. Nevertheless, it is convenient to buy commodity in a 24-hours store just at the corner of the street.

Apart from factor mentioned above, the advent of new technology enlarge people's interpersonal circle and provide us many ways to keep in touch with the world. On the one hand, the connection is no longer confined in places where people live. The proliferation of Internet and cell phone enable us to keep with who live far away. One live in New York City only need to take up the phone and press some button, then he could has a pleasant chat with his friend who has his college life in Seattle. On the other hand, people don't rely on their neighbor to get information, thousands of newspapers and magazines and dozens of radio and TV program equip us with the ability to know what happen in the world in the shortest time. So less time is spent in communicating with people live around us.

Last but not the least, people in present society move from one place to another place more frequently than people in the past. So people live nearly are not very familiar with each other. Parent bring their kid to another community to get a better education resource, the young move to a bigger city to pursuit a promising career prospect. It takes them some time to adjust the completely different environment, so does the neighbor. And it is the nature that people do not trust the ones who they do not know well.

In the net shell, the combination of convenience of life, new communication method as well as the rising frequence of moving home impairs the relationship in people and their neighbor. This change may be an inevitable result of the society progress, but it is really a pity that people in contemporary society aren't as close to their neighbor as people in the past.

艾米果果 · 发表于 2013-5-6 20:52:00

Do you agree or disagree with the following statement?
Your job has greater happiness than your social life.

For centuries, the majority of people work hard to make ends meet, and social life only belonged to the elite and the nobility. Nowadays, with the boom of society material wealth, social life becomes increasingly common in ordinary people's life. However, job still is more influential on one's happiness that social life is.

To begin with, having a job is the foundation and prerequisite of a happy life. Working puts money in our pocket, while taking a social life takes money out of our pocket. Losing a job means an end of social life, because people tend to unable to maintain their social life expenditures without stable income. Moreover, according to Maslow's hierarchy of needs, humanity gives priority to satisfy the physiological need, such as food, water and breathing, before searching for higher needs like friendship and respect for others. Only working can bring money legally to people. To a certain extent, working meets people's basic need.

Apart from the material fulfillment, having a job can also bring us psychological fulfillment, while social life only gives people spiritual satisfaction. Some occupations can bring reputation and prestige. Scientists and doctors are among these kinds of job. Social life may only relax a person or let he escape from the heavy daily pressure. Jessica, my mentor during my internship in Hong Kong last summer, is a senior manager in meager and acquisition division in Morgan Stanley. With this high-paying job, she can buy a luxury dress without hesitation. People also speak highly of her, because she gets her work well done.

Last but not the least, people spend more time as well as energy on profession, compared with that in social life. People will to spend their precise time on job because it brings us the sense of achievement. Such a sense cannot be measured by money. We usually work 8 hours a day and 5 days a week. Eliminating the time we spend in sleeping and eating, we actually don't have much time for social life.

To sum up, the job has more influence on one's happiness than that of social life, considering that it not only bring material satisfaction but also psychological fulfillment.

艾米果果 · 发表于 2013-5-6 20:55:44

不是很会写这种比较抽象的题目，遇到这种字数就不多，求指点

perfectends · 发表于 2013-5-6 22:25:15

艾米果果发表于 2013-5-5 19:34
Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? Nowadays, neighbors depend on each other less ...

With the boom of technological innovation and the economical prosperity, there is a dramatic shifted in the way people live. One of the obvious changes is that we become less depend on the people live near around us. Good beginning!

To begin with, many of the things once we rely on our neighbor are replaced by new things. In the past, if one had to go to another place for a long time and there remains no one in the house, he may ask his neighbor to protect his house by pay an attention whether strangers approach to the house. However, all these work can be done with an advanced burglary protection system. Moreover, with cameras instilled installed in the house, the master could see what occur in the house on the cell phone screen in his office. When people run of necessities of life such as rice, salt in the past, they had no choice but only to borrow from neighbor. Nevertheless, it is convenient to buy commodity in a 24-hours store just at the corner of the street.  U’d better come to an conclusion at the end of this paragraph, or I feel like sth. is missing…

Apart from the factor mentioned above, the advent of new technology enlarge people's interpersonal circle and provide us many ways to keep in touch with the world. On the one hand, the connection is no longer confined in places where people live. The proliferation of Internet and cell phone enable us to keep with who live far away. One live in New York City only need to take up the phone and press some button, then he could has a pleasant chat with his friend who has his college life in Seattle. On the other hand, people don't rely on their neighbor to get information, thousands of newspapers and magazines and dozens of radio and TV program equip us with the ability to know what happen in the world in a the shortest time. So less time is spent in communicating with people live around us.

Last but not the least, people in present society move from one place to another (place) more frequently than people in the past. So  , so people live nearly are not very familiar with each other. Parents bring their kid to another community to get a better education resource, the young move to a bigger city to pursuit a promising career prospect. It takes them some time to adjust the completely different environment, so does the neighbor. And it is the nature that people do not trust the ones who they do not know well.

In the net shell, the combination of convenience of life, new communication method as well as the rising frequence y of moving home impairs the relationship in people and their neighbor. This change may be an inevitable result of the society progress, but it is really a pity that people in contemporary society aren't as close to their neighbor as people in the past.

暑假再战托福~~~作文贴，求批改+指点

所属分类: TOEFL / IELTS

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