暑假再战托福~~~作文贴，求批改+指点

anafkn

作文修改from anafkn
5.11 独立写作
Do you agree or disagree with the following statement?
Should parents spend more time on playing games or sports with children together or use the time to do something related to children’s study?

打扰了，第一次来，有错误望海涵。

In this rapidly changing era, people are confronted with great pressure. In order to be distinguished in the stiff competition and keep pace with the society process, adults spare no effort to work;therefore parent-child time dwindles sharply. How to utilize this time efficiently becomes a critical issue that parents in new century are faced with. Considering thepriority of the youth and child（若youth此处作青少年（集体名词）解，child是不是改成children更合适） is study, some people claim that parents are supposed to spend time on(spend time (in)doing/on sth) promoting their kids' study rather than playingwith them. However, these people neglect the benefits that games or sports can bring to kids and too hastily to reach the errant statement.

First and foremost, there's no better way tocommunicate with kids in games or sports（“在游戏或运动中和孩子交流没有更好的办法了”。。。大概是我念的有问题，there is no better way to communicate withkids than interacting with them in games or sports）, which will definitely provide parentsa way(the access) to go into the children's world. In this day and age（nowadays？）, adultsare engaged in their work. Working overtime and overload, the endless paperwork, long- term work stress wear them out, making parents have nochance to have a deep understanding of their kids(断句看着不太清楚，“working overtime and overload, endless paper work,long-term work stress”并列起来有点奇怪). What's more(这里改成on the other hand怎么样？child的反叛和上文父母的忙碌是两个方面), adolescents are inrebellious stage and not willing to communicate with their parents. When theyplay games or sports, however,(接上句修改) the atmosphere tends to be relaxing and delightful. Under this circumstance, children would more likely to（likely此处作副词，或者改为would be morelikely to） share their joys and frustrations withtheir parents, talk about what happened at school, or evensettle arguments they have with parents before. That is to say, playing with children bridges the gapbetween children and parents(亮闪闪的总结).

Moreover, playing games or sports benefits children in studying, even thoughthe effect is not as obvious as that of monitoring(monitor有一点监控的意思，可能不太合适) homework. Scientistshave proved that many games or sports can promote brain development, thussharpening children's intellect. For example, playing chess can boostchildren's memory, which is play (plays) an essentialrole in grasp and remember（grasping and remembering） basic knowledge,such as physics theorems and laws, math equations or the line of historyevents. Also, play (playing) table tennisenhances the cooperation between the left and the right brain, therebyequipping kids (with) the ability to addressthorny problems.

Last( last一般作为形容词不置于段首，可改为Lastly, ) I have to point out that it is of necessity for children in the present（at present） to do some exercise. In this fiercely competitive society, children suffer from great academic burden. It is notuncommon to see a student study into the midnightpreparing the test（“挑灯夜读”，只是建议burnthe midnight oil preparing tests）. Lacking sleep for a long time makes he in poor health. Worse yet, fast-food chains, such as McDonald and KFC, can be seen everywhere. They provide pop and fried food which is to blame for leading (to) the obesity, especially in theyouth. A survey from American Journal of Public Health shows that there is adefinite link with (between?) overweight anddiseases like high blood pressure, heart attack and diabetes. For the sake ofkids' physical fitness, parents should encourage them to do more exercise, andplaying sports with them this (is) absolutely awise choice.

Given the advantagesmentioned above, I think that parents should spend their leisure time on playing games or sports with their kids. After all, children receive systematic education at school, so the rest of time had better to be use(used 或者 in use) as a good communication opportunity while promote (promoting) children intellectual and physical development.

首先很高兴能够合作，如有错误，还望谅解：
小结：

1. 膜拜lz词汇量；

2. 不知道是不是按照TPO练习时的30分钟写的？膜拜字数，动词形式上可能需要注意

3. 主论点是：父母应该将时间花在同子女运动和游戏上；分论点：1. 能够促进交流；2. 运动和游戏能促进学习成长；3. 运动很重要。不知道总结对不对。觉得逻辑上第二和第三点轻微overlap加小跑题（传说中的parents role没有看到）

4. 谢谢阅读

艾米果果

anafkn 发表于 2013-5-12 13:14
作文修改from anafkn
5.11 独立写作
Do you agree or disagree with the following statement?

现在还没有计时写哈，现在一计时就写成全部是口水话了，所以还要多积累好吃好句再计时吧~~~~~~我在CD上遇到一个超好心的大牛，他的作文练习贴很值得学习，你可以去里面学他的用词http://forum.chasedream.com/thread-804453-1-1.html

anafkn

艾米果果 发表于 2013-5-12 21:58
现在还没有计时写哈，现在一计时就写成全部是口水话了，所以还要多积累好吃好句再计时吧~~~~~~我在CD上遇 ...

酱紫哦……那我也不记时吧，一记时就虎头蛇尾了QAQ（11号的那篇结尾，lz懂的）
学到啦！谢谢！
又及：帖子里的各种字体和颜色在回复栏的“高级模式”里有，能保留高亮和各种颜色。

艾米果果

5.16 独立
Do you agree or disagree with the following statement?
Working at home using computers or telephones is better than working in the office.
With the boom of technological innovation, there is a dramatic shift in the way people communicate with others. One, living in New York City, only need to pick up the phone, press some buttons and has a pleasure chat with his friend who has his college life in Seattle. Although telecommuting becomes increasingly common in many industries, the conclusion that telecommuting is superior to working in the office is biased, thus it is unacceptable to me.

To begin with, advocators of telecommuting may claim that working at home is cost-efficient. Admittedly, telecommuting benefits the companies from cutting down expenditures in office rent, but they fail to take the initial cost along with telecommuting into consideration. A company which decides to switch from the tradition way into telecommuting is supposed to equip its employees with computers and pay exorbitant communication fees. Such expenditures are so huge that cannot be neglected. To some companies the cost is not confined to what mentioned above. For instance, a clothing design company should sent the half-finished sample to the designer's home to make sure whether he is satisfied with the sample. If the designer thinks it is necessary to modify this sample, the process mentioned above will be repeated many times.

Further, telecommuting has an adverse impact on the work efficiency, in that the employers cannot regulate and supervise the employees if they work separately. Without the pressure from their boss, there is no doubt that the employers will not work as hard as they are supposed to be. A fan of baseball could turn on the TV and watch the Yankee's game, while his leader may think that he is working hard in front of a computer. Or one might press the keyboard with his mouth filled with Subway's hamburger. Nevertheless, similar things would not happen if all people work in the office.

Last but not the least, telecommuting puts the company on the risk in divulging core information. In this information-intensive society, information and data are viewed as strategic assets. Nearly every company spares no effort to protect these assets. However, the computer at home is uses both privately and for work. If the computer is infected with computer virus, it is highly possible that information in the computer will lost, which is definitely a disaster to a company. A survey from the Information Weekly shows that the computer virus and hacker attack have led to 1.5 trillion dollars loss to companies around world.

To sum up, I disagree with the statement that telecommuting surpasses traditional office work, even though telecommuting brings convenience to us, but working in office is still a more economical, efficient and safe way.

applesoforever

Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? Working at home using computers or telephones is better than working in the office. With the boom of technological innovation, there is a dramatic shift in the way people communicate with others. One, living in New York City, only need to pick up the phone, press some buttons and has a pleasure(去掉以构成pick,press,chat并列)chat with his friend who has his college life in Seattle. Although telecommuting becomes increasingly common in many industries, the conclusion that telecommuting is superior to working in the office is biased, thus it is unacceptable to me. To begin with, advocators of telecommuting may claim that working at home is cost-efficient. Admittedly, telecommuting benefits the companies from cutting down expenditures in office rent, but they fail to take the initial cost along with telecommuting into consideration. A company which decides to switch from the tradition way into telecommuting is supposed to equip its employees with computers and pay exorbitant communication fees. Such expenditures are so huge that cannot be neglected. To some companies the cost is not confined to what mentioned above. For instance, a clothing design company should sent the half-finished sample to the designer's home to make sure whether he(he/she) is satisfied with the sample. If the designer thinks it is necessary to modify this sample, the process mentioned above will be repeated many times. Further, telecommuting has an adverse impact on the work efficiency, in that the employers cannot regulate and supervise the employees if they work separately. Without the pressure from their boss, there is no doubt that the employers will not work as hard as they are supposed to be. A fan of baseball could turn on the TV and watch the Yankee's game, while his leader may think that he is working hard in front of a computer. Or one might press the keyboard with his mouth filled with Subway's hamburger. Nevertheless, similar things would not happen if all people work in the office. Last but not the least, telecommuting puts the company on the（at） risk in divulging core information. In this information-intensive society, information and data are viewed as strategic assets. Nearly every company spares no effort to protect these assets. However, the computer at home is uses both privately and for work(privately和for work不平行). If the computer is infected with computer virus, it is highly possible that information in the computer will lost, which is definitely a disaster to a company. A survey from the Information Weekly shows that the computer virus and hacker attack have led to 1.5 trillion dollars loss to companies around world. To sum up, I disagree with the statement that telecommuting surpasses traditional office work, even though telecommuting brings convenience to us, but working in office is still a more economical, efficient and safe(好，跟前面分论点对应) way. 总结： 1.例子举得细致，好。 2.用词不错。 3.论证没问题。 4.学习了。

applesoforever

高亮终于可以显示了。。。

艾米果果

7.21 独立
To increase the economic growth, government can neglect environmental growth

Weak spending, high umemployment and persistent inflation have bothered governments all around world since the financial crisis in 2008. To change the situation, governments spare no effort to promote the economic development. Consequently,less attention and fiscal funding are paid on environmental issue. Considering the priority of a government is to serve overall citizens, it is unacceptable to boost the economic at the cost of neglection of environment.

To begin with, it is of urgency to improve the environment, in that the environment deterioration has an adverse impact on human health. The rivers are not as clean as they used to be. Industrial effluent from chemical factories is discharged into rives directly, increasing the risk of cancer among the residence along these rives. The air is no longer clean, due to the pollutant from modern transportations, especially from gas-power car. Exhaust from these cars contains chemical waste, which induces respiratory disease. Nobody will forget what happened in Los Angeles in 1955. Photochemical smog led more than 400 older people died, and more people suffered from heat attach and felt breathless. That is to say the status quo is so severe that the government is supposed to take into action to improve the environment rather than only preoccupy with money.

Further, unlike the economy, the majority of whose achievement is snatched by the minority of people, environment improvement benefits both the haves and have-nots. By spending money in improving the environment, the river becomes clean and everyone can appreciate its beauty. Also, if the air becomes refreshing, everyone can breathe it. However, if government only focuses on boosting economy, it is highly possible that the richer become richer, while the poor become poorer. Ironically, only small proportion of population is wealthy people. As the famous slogan in the Occupy Wall Street protest:" we are the 99%"

Finally, I have to point out that environment improvement will also boost the environment. The better the environment is, the more appealing it will be to the investor. Nobody would like to work in bad condition. Some companies will move in, which means a large amount of employees are needed. The employees would be drawn from local population, raising employment rate. Moreover, with the stable income people will be willing to consume, thus further stimulating economy growth.

To sum up, in order to make all citizens live healthier, better serve all citizens,as well as build up their pocket, government had better insist to promote environmental growth even if spuring economic growth requires a lot of efforts and funding.  

geminilee

To increase the economic growth, government can neglect environmental growth

Weak spending, high umemployment and persistent inflation have bothered governments all around the world since the financial crisis in 2008. To change the situation, governments spare no efforts to promote the economic development. Consequently,less attention and fiscal funding are paid on environmental issue. Considering the priority of a government is to serve overall citizens, it is unacceptable to boost the economic (economy) at the cost of neglection of environment.

To begin with, it is of urgency to improve the environment, in that the environment deterioration has an adverse impact on human health. The rivers are not as clean as they used to be. Industrial effluent from chemical factories is discharged into rives directly, increasing the risk of cancer (这里增加cancer eruption的风险似乎比cancer的风险更贴切) among the residence along these rives. The air is no longer clean, due to the pollutant from modern transportations, especially from gas-power cars. Exhaust from these cars contains chemical waste, which induces respiratory disease (chemical waste里包含respiratory disease, 逻辑有点问题吧). Nobody will forget what happened in Los Angeles in 1955. Photochemical smog led more than 400 older people died (led the death of more than 400 older people), and more people suffered from heat attach (heat attach是啥意思) and felt breathless. That is to say the status quo is so severe that the government is supposed to take into action to improve the environment rather than only preoccupy (这个词不认识，金山词霸了一下，是使...全神贯注或占据...思想，用在这是不是意思不对) with money.

Further, unlike the economy, the majority of whose achievement is snatched by the minority of people, environment improvement benefits both the haves and have-nots. By spending money in improving the environment, the river becomes clean and everyone can appreciate its beauty. Also, if the air becomes refreshing, everyone can breathe it. However, if government only focuses on boosting economy, it is highly possible that the richer (rich) become richer, while the poor become poorer. Ironically, only small proportion of population is wealthy people. As the famous slogan in the Occupy Wall Street protest:" we are the 99%"

Finally, I have to point out that environment improvement will also boost the environment (这里是economy吧，environment的分论点就和下面的论证mismatch了). The better the environment is, the more appealing it will be to the investor. Nobody would like to work in bad condition. Some companies will move in, which means a large amount of employees are needed. The employees would be drawn from local population, raising employment rate. Moreover, with the stable income people will be willing to consume, thus further stimulating economy (economic) growth.

To sum up, in order to make all citizens live healthier, better serve all citizens,as well as build up their pocket, government had better insist to promote environmental growth even if spuring economic growth requires a lot of efforts and funding (even if是不是有点问题，没看明白).  

总结：LZ词汇量不错，语法工地也很好，不过有些句子写得理解上有些困难，当然，我是菜鸟，可能水平有限。不过，有个建议，main point和sub-points可以写得简单点，让人能快速明白主旨。

geminilee

高亮没显示，好吧。。。。废了一番苦心。。。

艾米果果

geminilee 发表于 2013-7-23 22:38
高亮没显示，好吧。。。。废了一番苦心。。。

3Q，高亮的话你别成word里面直接粘过来，你点回复栏右上角的高级模式，在这里面可以显示高亮