Kate的作文帖

Kate1992 · 发表于 2013-8-11 20:57:11

8月24日的托福，马上就要考了，求大家狠拍！！
求教大家独立写作和综合写作字数在多少合适呢？

Kate1992 · 发表于 2013-8-11 20:58:25

8月11日独立写作
题目：
如果學校拿到了一筆錢，improve the food of cafe in school or invest in social activity for students after school
正文：
Everyone at school hopes to have a colorful school life when he or she not only studies well but also lives and plays well. The school is responsible for providing as many good resources as possible for students to develop themselves. Food service and social activity are two important parts of school life. When a school owns a sum of money, which of the two parts should the school invest on? I think the decision mainly depends on what students at this school need most and therefore I suggest the school making a survey on the preference of the students.

We all admit that improving food quality is necessary in that enough nutrition is beneficial for students’ health and helps them study effectively. However, if the students at this school seldom go to the café in school for meals, the investment on improving food of café in school will be meaningless. Taking my school for example, the food provided by school cafes sells very expensive so that some students in our school prefer going to the small restaurants around the school where the food is more delicious and cheaper. Also some students choose to buy food stuffs and make meals for themselves. In this circumstance, the investment is equivalent to a waste of money. Moreover, the food quality of café may be high enough to provide adequate nutrition for body build-up of the students and thus the improvement of food will not make a big difference. Therefore, before concluding the final decision, the school should make a clear survey on students’ attitude towards the food of café and the current level of the food.

Whether the investment on social activity after school is a wise choice remains uncertain. Social activity is an essential part of school life, including playing sports, joining clubs, volunteering to help others or attending a ball. Students easily make friends during these social activities, thus eliminating their loneliness away from home. Besides, they can get stronger when playing sports and find their life more meaningful when doing the voluntary work. So it is necessary for school to provide good facilities and opportunities to encourage the students to engage in social activities. But we also take some factors into consideration. First, the students in the school may not be keen to social activities at all. For instance, the students in the school have heavy burden with their study and then they may have little time participating in the activities. Second, this may be a school with most disabled people and few would love to do intense sports. Finally, the security around the school is too bad to make sure the safety of the students who attends the activities.

In sum, the school should conduct effective surveys on needs of most students and practicability of the plan to see which choice is more efficient and more beneficial to the students. More consideration will help the school make a wise decision.

Kate1992 · 发表于 2013-8-11 21:01:01

8月11日综合写作 TPO5
According to the reading passage, there are three theories trying to explain the functions of Chaco structures. However, the professor in the listening material claims that the theories are not convincing.
For the first theory that holds that the Chaco structures are residential, the professor presents the following refutation: from the outside looking, they appear typical residential buildings, but from the inside, there are not enough fire places for so many families to maintain their daily life. As is discovered, the number of fire places in one building can only afford ten families, but the room can house hundreds of families. So the idea that the Chaco structure is used for living is not reasonable.
The second theory contends that the Chaco structures were used to store food supplies especially the grain maize. But no evidence indicates that there were grain maize remains or grain maize containers in those buildings. It is weird that people stored food without any containers. For this reason, the professor believes that the second theory is unsupported.
The last theory proposes that these houses were used as ceremonial centers which the professor also cast much doubt on. Because excavations of the mound revealed not only broken pots but also many building materials. So the existence of pots can have another available explanation. Probably the workers who built the buildings left the pots around the buildings after they finished their meals not the people who attended ceremonies. Thus the third theory is also untenable.

晓野的野 · 发表于 2013-8-12 13:53:14

Everyone at school hopes to have a colorful school life when he or she not only studies well but also lives and plays well. 【我觉得前者应该是后者的目的吧，everyone tries not only to study well but also to live and play well in order to have a colorful school life.】The school is responsible for providing as many good resources as possible for students to develop themselves. Food service and social activity【activity可数名词，要么加冠词，要么写复数】 are two important parts of school life. When a school owns a sum of money, which of the two parts should the school invest on [in]? I think the decision mainly depends on what students at this school need most and therefore I suggest the school making a survey on the preference of the students.
【我没有常见过这样的写作结构，探索式的分析两个选择，但是我建议写一边倒的结构，或者主要统一一个观点包含让步】
We all admit that improving food quality is necessary in that enough nutrition【nutrition可数，冠词或复数】 is beneficial for students’ health and helps them study effectively. However, if the students at this school seldom go to the café in school for meals, the investment on improving food of café in school will be meaningless. Taking my school for example, the food provided by school cafes sells【is】 very expensive so that some students in our school prefer going to the small restaurants around the school where the food is more delicious and cheaper. Also some students choose to buy food stuffs and make meals for themselves. In this circumstance, the investment is equivalent to a waste of money. Moreover, the food quality of café may be high enough to provide adequate nutrition for body build-up of the students and thus the improvement of food will not make a big difference. Therefore, before concluding【making】 the final decision, the school should make a clear survey on students’ attitude towards the food of café and the current level of the food.
【第一段的结构就是觉得投资在食品上也许不好，有什么理由，谈的比较宽泛更像是一个主旨句，其实每一个点都谈的很好，都可以展开，论述，填充例子成为一段。红色部分一个让步3个理由】

【主体的两段都是类似的结构，理由充足，但是论述展开的稍欠detail】

【文中都是写的是social activity，就不一一指出，可数名词要么复数形式，要么加冠词，】
Whether the investment on social activity after school is a wise choice remains uncertain. Social activity is an essential part of school life, including playing sports, joining clubs, volunteering to help others or attending a ball. Students easily make friends during these social activities, thus eliminating their loneliness away from home. Besides, they can get stronger when playing sports and find their life more meaningful when doing the voluntary work. So it is necessary for school to provide good facilities and opportunities to encourage the students to engage in social activities. But we also take some factors into consideration.【Also, some other important factors need us to pay attention. 试着不要以人作为开头的句子】 First, the students in the school may not be keen to social activities at all. For instance, the students in the school have heavy burden with their study and then they may have little time participating in the activities. Second, this may be a school 【where the majority of students are disabled.改成这样觉得顺点】with most disabled people and few would love to do intense sports. Finally, the security around the school is too bad to make sure the safety of the students who attends【attend】 the activities.
【光第二段两个正面理由，一个转折，3个负面理由，建议展开说较好】

In sum, the school should conduct effective surveys on needs of most students and practicability of the plan to see which choice is more efficient and more beneficial to the students. More consideration【复数】 will help the school make a wise decision. 【Taking the results of the surveys into serious considerations will help the school make a wise decision.】【可以变换下句式】
总的来说全文逻辑清楚，基本没啥语法错误，字数够够的，但是建议考虑下文章安排的结构，理由尽管很够，但是细节太少。

Kate1992 · 发表于 2013-8-12 15:57:53

晓野的野发表于 2013-8-12 13:53
Everyone at school hopes to have a colorful school life when he or she not only studies well but als ...

恩恩，谢谢你的意见~~~例子的确很欠缺的说，而且也觉得自己写不出漂亮的句子来，是不是引用名言或者漂亮的句子更好呢，应该参考一些神马资料呢？

laneesherry · 发表于 2013-8-12 20:00:27

关于综合写作的字数，既然它题目规定了要在150~225之间，个人觉得最好还是不要超过比较好吧……虽然说写多了不会扣分就是了。

8月11日综合写作 TPO5
According to the reading passage, there are three theories trying to explain the functions of Chaco structures. However, the professor in the listening material claims that the theories are not convincing.（第一段建议用多半句话将房子的背景介绍得更详细一些。）

For the first theory that holds that the Chaco structures are residential, the professor presents the following refutation: from the outside looking, they appear typical residential buildings, but from the inside, there are not enough fire places for so many families to maintain their daily life. As is discovered, the number of fire places in one building can only afford ten families, but the room can house hundreds of families. So the idea that the Chaco structure is used for living is not reasonable.

The second theory contends that the Chaco structures were used to store food supplies especially the grain maize. But no evidence indicates that there were grain maize remains or grain maize containers in those buildings. It is weird that people stored food without any containers. For this reason, the professor believes that the second theory is unsupported.

The last theory proposes that these houses were used as ceremonial centers which the professor also cast much doubt on. Because excavations of the mound revealed not only broken pots but also many building materials. So the existence of pots can have another available explanation. Probably the workers who built the buildings left the pots around the buildings after they finished their meals not the people who attended ceremonies. Thus the third theory is also untenable.

总的来说楼主的这篇综合写作没什么大问题，该听的点已经是全部听出来了。表述上也尽量使用了各种同义词，和满分作文相比已经是非常接近了。
附上来自无老师的满分作文范例：

The author of the reading passage proposes three theories as likely explanations of the primary function of Chaco Canyon houses, grant structures built in the I2th century. The lecturer, however, points to the inaccuracies in each of these theories.

The lecturer argues that the modest number of fireplaces in these structures is in contradiction with the huge size of these houses, indicating that these structures could not have been used for Residential purposes. The Reading, however, draws comparisons between the Chaco houses and other similar large Residential structures in support of the "Residential" theory.

The second theory, that the houses were used for food storage, is also rejected by the lecturer. He explains that a place that had been used for storing maize would have many traces of scattered Maize, which is not the case in the area of the Chaco Canyon houses. This proves that the "food storage theory" is unlikely.

Finally, regarding the third theory, the "ceremony theory'', the lecturer contends that the presence of broken pots close to the great houses does not offer sufficient proof that this was a place for ceremonial activities. He argues that there are other materials such as pieces of construction trash found along with the broken pots, which suggest that these pots were probably not used for ceremonial purposes but instead were discarded by construction workers upon completion of the great houses.

晓野的野 · 发表于 2013-8-12 21:02:39

Kate1992 发表于 2013-8-12 15:57
恩恩，谢谢你的意见~~~例子的确很欠缺的说，而且也觉得自己写不出漂亮的句子来，是不是引用名言或者漂亮 ...

名人名言什么的能自然的放进去当然可以啊，总之注意下细节吧，可以看看优秀作文参考下

Kate1992 · 发表于 2013-8-12 21:17:38

晓野的野发表于 2013-8-12 21:02
名人名言什么的能自然的放进去当然可以啊，总之注意下细节吧，可以看看优秀作文参考下 ...

看什么样的书呢？你能帮忙推荐一下吗？

晓野的野 · 发表于 2013-8-12 21:20:50

Kate1992 发表于 2013-8-12 21:17
看什么样的书呢？你能帮忙推荐一下吗？

推荐啊... 我以前上补习班的时候，新航道发过几本参考资料
最近在看10天突破托福写作

Kate1992 · 发表于 2013-8-12 22:55:01

8月12日独立

你同不同意that 學生參加學校的organization 和activities club is as important as their academicclass.

Schools are the places where we learnscientific knowledge and skills and qualify ourselves for the future career. Admittedly,we get most of what will be helpful for job career from academic classes.However, we cannot dismiss the importance of organizations and activity clubsof the school where we can also learn many useful capacities from variousactivities.

In today’s society, it is impossible tooverstate the importance of good communication skills. We have to workcooperatively with others and a good communicator finds it easier to put forthhis ideas clearly. In academic classes which professors are mainly charge of,students have few opportunities to practice their communication ability. But organizations and clubs will providevarious activities for students to speak out their thoughts loudly, thusimproving their ability to communicating with others. For example, after astudents takes a speech contest which is held by an English club, I am surethat he or she will make a quite progress in English speaking ability.

Besides, whenparticipating in an organization or a club, students can make many friends whohave the same interests with themselves. These friends not only give you goodcompanies in your school life but also probably become your business partners oneday in the future. Yu Minhong, the founder of the NewOriental Education & Technology Group, met with his cooperators at PekingUniversity.

Onemay argue that study is the most important thing of school life and attendingclubs will certainly distract your attention from your study. Activities afterschool may be a factor of distraction but from the other side, one man cannotfocus on one thing for too long ,which will make your brain tired and notfunction well. In this circumstance, these activities will be a relaxation toyour body and your brain. You will have a clear mind after the activities andthis will help you concentrate on your study well.

Nowadays,competition in the job market is growing fiercer and fiercer. A applicant withonly one specific ability cannot survive from the battle for a job positionwith other competitors who have other advantages, such as good communicationskill, a healthy body, amiableness and so on. So the students should not beconfined in classroom and find their own interests and develop their usefulskills at organizations or clubs.

Kate的作文帖

所属分类: TOEFL / IELTS

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