starlee的作文贴------求指导，欢迎各位大神来此狠批

starlee · 发表于 2012-12-12 23:06:28

新帖开启，约束开始，30分开始向我招手

starlee · 发表于 2012-12-22 19:15:25

TPO1 Independent writing
Question:
Do you agree or disagree with the following statement?
At universities and colleges, sports and social activities are just as important as classes and libraries and should receive equal financial support.
此题有两点是否要分别论述呢？
Classes are more important
1. 大学生的主要任务是学习，更有利于学习
2. 更安全
Nowadays, sports and social activities are playing an extremely essential role in university life. As a result, an increasing number of people pay attention to physical exercises. However, I believe that this cannot compete with the importance of classes and libraries in campus, and surely more money should be spent in improving learning environment, such as building adequate classes and libraries.

First of all, some minor significance to taking part in outdoor activities includes both improving students’ physique and raising their communication skills. For instance, many college students like playing basketball and football, they run, jump and shot, almost every part of the body does benefit from the movements. Meanwhile, they need perfect cooperation to accomplish complete defenses and offenses, and this cooperation fosters all the members’ communication skills.

Even though social activities may be play a comparatively small role in college life, the significance of classes and libraries can never be outweighed. The main responsibility of a university is to develop a student’s academic ability, not physical health. Constructing more buildings for teaching and studying will contribute to students’ better learning. They would have extraordinarily effective way practicing writing essays and memorizing vocabularies for their TOEFL iBT test. Also, they will get more opportunities to read many kinds of books: from science books, fiction and nonfiction to children’s books, all of which help them improve their overall knowledge and raise their awareness about the values of their life.

Another reason for the idea that classes and libraries are more significant than sports and social activities at colleges is that colleges have mountainous responsibilities to ensure every student’s security. As more classes and libraries built, fewer students will be in the same room at the same time, and this can decrease the time for students to escape from the scene when a fire breaks out. Maybe more adolescents would be survived if they were not in the class being occupied by bandits one day.

Although I recognize the importance of sports and social activities, I feel that classes and libraries are further more vital. As a result of my opinion, students will nurture their academic ability. Moreover, they will certainly find them more secured after building more classes and libraries. Well worth it is spending more money on classes and libraries.

starlee · 发表于 2012-12-23 01:48:42

22 December

Independent Writing:

Which way do you think is the best for a student to make new friends?

1. join a sports team,

2. participate in community activities, or traveling.
Response:

Nowadays, adolescents believe that the best way for a student to make new friends is taking a trip to different places. As one of them, I support this excellent conception not that it is great chance to relax oneself, but that this is an easier way to know each other and become friends.

Comparig with joining in community activities, travelling can provide a student more opportunities to meet more people from different cities and different countries. Members who take part in the same community activities are always his old friends or familiar people around him, so he will almost have no chance to meet new ones not to mention making new friends. Nevertheless, when visiting a new place, it is hard for him to meet anyone he ever saw before. Because of this precondition, he can make friends with those visitors who are friendly. Obviously, travelling has an extremely vital advantage to joining in community activities.

Comfortable exchange environment is another advantage to make new friends. For instance, when the student visits Hainan, one of the most beautiful places for travelling in China, he will have a relaxed mood to communicate to others. Under this pleasant atmosphere, nobody will feel uncomfortable and refuse to have a talk, not excepting him. Better communication makes it more possible for the student to know more about others and make friends with them. Therefore, travelling brings him relaxed exchange condition; excellent communication environment leads him to make friends. Also, he does not need to think about his study or other upset things but talking to the people he meet as much as he can until the people become his friends.

Exchange topic is also very crucial element for the student to make new friends. As a perfect way to broaden his vision to view the world, travelling can help him accumulate mountainous knowledge about custom, language and culture to talk to other people. When he is on a long trip by train, he may always have something to talk about during the time on the train for his rich knowledge. And he will surely be more possible for the listeners to make friends with him. However, in a sport team, he will never learn more except sports.

All in all, travelling is an excellent way to make new friends. Trips make it easier for a student to communicate to others. It is clearly that travelling has many advantages that other patterns do not have. In addition to making new friends, travelling can help the student to raise his awareness about the values of life. Obviously, travelling is the best way for the student to make new friends.

lillian馨 · 发表于 2012-12-23 13:21:22

22 December

Independent Writing:

Which way do you think is the best for a student to make new friends?

1. join a sports team,

2. participate in community activities, or traveling.
Response:

Nowadays, adolescents believe that the best way for a student to make new friends is taking a trip to different places. As one of them, I support this excellent conception not that（是想说：支持这个说法不是因为。。。而是因为。。。,那应该把that换成because）it（我觉得是把这个it 换成travel才能说清楚你的意思） is great chance to relax oneself, but that（because）this（这个this在写成it指代前面的travel） is an easier way to know each other and become friends.

第一句：Comparig with（compared with）joining in community activities, travelling can provide a student (provide不是直接加双宾语，provide sb. with sth.) more opportunities to meet more people from different cities and different countries.第二句： Members who take part in the same community activities are always his old friends or familiar people around him, so he will almost have no chance to meet new ones not to mention making (跟前面的meet是平行的，用make) new friends. Nevertheless, 第三句：when visiting a new place, it is hard for him to meet anyone he ever saw before. Because of this precondition, he can make friends with those visitors who are friendly. Obviously, travelling has an extremely vital advantage to (这个词组挺好，但我记得是：have an advantage over…不太清楚可不可以换成介词to,望讨论~~) joining in community activities.

这一段我觉得你的第二句和第三句可以换一个顺序，因为你第一句就是说travel可以provide更多机会，后面直接跟上你对这一句的解释（也就是你的第三句），然后转折说community activities的情况，我觉得要好一些。

Comfortable exchange environment is another advantage to（跟上面一样不太清楚可不可以） make new friends. For instance, when the（a） student visits Hainan, one of the most beautiful places for travelling in China, he will have a relaxed mood to communicate to（和某人沟通交流，应该是communicate with，communicate to 是传达传播） others. Under this pleasant atmosphere, nobody will feel uncomfortable and refuse to have a talk, not excepting him. Better communication makes it more possible for the student to know more about others and make friends with them. Therefore, travelling brings him relaxed exchange condition; excellent communication environment leads him to make friends. Also, he does not need to think about his study or other upset things but talking to the people he meet as much as he can until the people become his friends.（我总觉得but 后面那样跟个talking to…好奇怪啊，怎么会就用上了talking呢？我根据你原来意思这样写你看看行不： there is no need to think about his study or other upset things. All he could do is talk to the people he meet …… ）

Exchange topic（exchanging topic，要是把exchange当名词的话，我觉得得是exchange of topic, 再或者是topic exchange） is also very crucial element for the student to make new friends. As a perfect way to broaden his vision to view the world, travelling can help him accumulate mountainous knowledge about custom, language and culture to talk to other people. When he is on a long trip by train, he may always have something to talk about during the time on the train for his rich knowledge. And he will surely be more possible (上面用过了，可以换成likely) for the listeners to make friends with him.（这句话这样写看看是不是简洁一些： Thus the listeners are more likely to make friends with him 因为他的博闻广识。。。） However, in a sport team, he will never learn more except sports.

All in all, travelling is an excellent way to make new friends. Trips make it easier for a student to communicate to （with）others. It is clearly that travelling has many advantages that other patterns do not have. In addition to making new friends, travelling can help the student to raise his awareness about the values of life. (我觉得这句话跟文章的主旨没关系，这是说的除了make friends之外的好处) Obviously, travelling is the best way for the student to make new friends.

starlee · 发表于 2012-12-23 18:04:20

Thank you for your revise, "have an advantage over" is right

starlee · 发表于 2012-12-26 00:36:04

23 December
Independent Writing: Is there a good reason to be impolite (or rude) to another person?
Response:

People of my generation were taught to be polite to others when they were young, which is also, up to this time at least, a universal phenomenon. Truth be told, it is one of the most crucial qualities of human beings. However, with the increase of age, I believe that it is not always the truth to be polite to people on any occasion, and with good reason.

To start with, being rude to another person is sometimes helpful for people. We may take children as a typical example. Children are not mature enough to recognize their wrong by themselves. And reasons that their parents and teachers tell them may be never well accepted. So, it is extremely necessary to take some other actions which may be more or less rude, such as spanking, to open their eyes to their mistakes. We all know this is not very good, while it is the only useful behavior. When children are frightened by spanking, they will have no courage to make the same mistake again next time. In other words, it is adequately rude behavior that will help children to form good habits.

Also, to be rude can help people to keep healthy. It is no exaggeration to say that a person who always abreacts his upset emotion through being impolite to others that make him angry is obviously healthier than those do not. Because, repressing upset and nervous emotions over a long period of time will be harmful for physical and mental health. It is not rare that many middle-aged people suffer from depression because of repressing upset emotion. On the contrary, people who abreact upset emotion rudely feel happy and relaxed every day.

Finally, to be impolite to another can assist people in defending personal interest. For instance, people who are deceived by unscrupulous merchant may find that there is no use to reason with them. Definitely, the victims have to be impolite to express their discontents, then the profiteers will be afraid and make compensation to them. Moreover, much more customs will be cheated if the profiteers have not been punished.

Because of all above reasons, we may safely draw the conclusion that there are good and extremely vital reasons to be impolite to another. Nevertheless, as the old saying goes, “Every coin has two sides”, it is foolish of people to be rude to another who is kind and friendly to them. And people should be rude to another only in some special and adequate case.

lillian馨 · 发表于 2012-12-26 14:27:53

23 December
Independent Writing: Is there a good reason to be impolite (or rude) to another person?
Response:

People of my generation were taught to be polite to others when they were young, which（which是不能用来指代一句话的） is also, up to this time at least, a universal phenomenon.（你想说直到现在这都是一个很普遍的现象吗？which不能指代前面一句话所以这句话可以换一下： people are taught to be polite to others when they are young, a universal phenomenon continues from…till, at least, now. ） Truth be told, it is one of the most crucial qualities of human beings. However, with the increase of age, I believe that it is not always the truth (？事实？正确的？要是正确的意思的话得用形容词) to be polite to people on any occasion, and with good reason.(这个with good reason是和谁并列的？没有看懂这句话。)

To start with, being rude to another person is sometimes helpful for（to） people. We may take children as a typical example. Children are not mature enough to recognize their wrong by themselves. And reasons that their parents and teachers tell them may be never well accepted. So, it is extremely necessary to take some other actions which may be more or less rude, such as spanking, to open their eyes to their mistakes. We all know this is not very good, while (while 是然而，表示两者的对比时用的更多一些，这里是表示转折一下，还是用but 合适一些) it is the only useful behavior. When children are frightened by spanking, they will have no courage to make the same mistake again next time（我觉得这句用因果关系更好一些，因为他们害怕被打，所以下次不敢犯了）. In other words, it is adequately（这个词不太巧当） rude behavior that will help children to form good habits.（这一段整体论证组织都挺好的）

Also, to be rude can help people to keep healthy. It is no exaggeration to say（不知道这样写行不行，我知道有一个毫不夸张的说：It can be said that without exaggeration that） that a person who always abreacts his upset emotion through being impolite to others that (who) make him angry is obviously healthier than those (这里少了一个who 的) do not. Because, repressing upset and nervous emotions over a long period of time will be harmful for physical and mental health. It is not rare that many middle-aged people suffer from depression because of repressing upset emotion. On the contrary, people who abreact upset emotion rudely feel happy and relaxed every day.（这一段的词汇找同义词换换）

Finally, to be impolite to another can assist people in defending personal interest. For instance, people who are deceived by unscrupulous merchant（复数） may find that there is no use to reason with them. Definitely, the victims have to be impolite to express their discontents, then the profiteers will be afraid and make compensation to them. Moreover, much more customs will be cheated if the profiteers have not been punished. （弱弱的说这一段的词汇好高级，表示压力大）

Because of all above reasons, we may safely draw the conclusion that there are good and extremely vital reasons to be impolite to another. Nevertheless, as the old saying goes, “Every coin has two sides”, it is foolish of people to be rude to another who is kind and friendly to them. And people should be rude to another only in some special and adequate case.

starlee · 发表于 2012-12-27 00:55:17

26 December

Independent Writing: Most problems can be solved by people or their families, help from the government is unnecessary.
Response:

It is undeniable that many people are able to solve problems that happen to them by themselves. However, assistance from the government is still necessary to the public being in trouble. I believe that the government has the ability to solve problems more efficiently, more excellently. Also, with help from the government, more benefits will be brought about.

Government always spends less time in dealing with matters, as there are many kinds of departments of handling various cases. For instance, the poor living in an independent district are regularly in trouble because of bad living conditions and lacking of money. Maybe they will overcome sicknesses, such as headache, influenza, and stomachache, without being treated, nevertheless, it is possible that they may become worse and miss the best opportunity to get treated. This is the unpleasant result for them to accept. Then, with the government’s assistance of medical security, those suffers could be well treated at once. Efficient settlement may save one’s life at times.

Government can provide better solutions with professional knowledge. As the relationship between family members is broken up, useful actions should be taken to solve the contradiction. There need to be another one to help them to survive from that. However, another one of the family may be not the best to be the role. Then, psychological experts employed by the government are the specialists who are well-acquainted with the case will be able to solve the problem. They can even make the relationship between them more closely and harmoniously than ever before.

Moreover, I can never come up with a better way to benefit both the public and the government but letting the government help the public. People suffering from difficulties will feel warm and speak highly of the government when they get assistances from the government in time. Therefore, as another advantage, declaring that government is good tend to make for good government. Moreover, this measure helps the government to know more about the public and provide people with better service and assistance.

Undoubtedly, all the analysis confirms a remarkable view that help form the government is surely necessary and extremely vital for people. If there is anyone out there who still doubts if the help from the government is more efficient, who still wonder if the assistance from the government is more professional, who still questions if the help from the government is more favorable, this essay is my answer.

brace1016 · 发表于 2012-12-27 10:26:30

我改你26号的独立。改完了再发上来哦。

brace1016 · 发表于 2012-12-27 19:43:48

It is undeniable that many people are able to solve problems that happen to them by themselves. However, assistance from the government is still necessary to the public（这里要不要加个when）being in trouble. I believe that the government has the ability to solve problems more efficiently, more excellently. Also, with help from the government, more benefits will be brought about.（开门见山的开头好啊。

Government always spends less time in dealing with matters, as there are many kinds of departments of handling various cases. For instance, the poor living in an independent district are regularly in trouble because of bad living conditions and lacking of money. Maybe they will overcome sicknesses, such as headache, influenza, and stomachache, without being treated, nevertheless, it is possible that they may become worse and miss the best opportunity to get treated. This is the unpleasant result for them to accept. Then, with the government’s assistance of medical security, those suffers could be well treated at once. Efficient settlement may save one’s life at times.（这段论证很充分。）

Government can provide better solutions with professional knowledge. As the relationship between family members is broken up, useful actions should be taken to solve the contradiction. There need to be another one to help them to survive from that. However, another one of the family may be not the best to be the role. Then, psychological experts employed by the government are the specialists（ who are well-acquainted with the case）will be able to solve the problem（这句话是不是有问题？主谓结构是什么？）. They can even make the relationship between them（指代不清，直接用family members） more closely and harmoniously than ever before. 这段的语法感觉有点混乱哦。

Moreover, I can never come up with a better way to benefit both the public and the government but letting the government help the public. People suffering from difficulties will feel warm and speak highly of the government when they get assistances from the government in time. Therefore, as another advantage, declaring that government is good tend to make for good government（这个是什么成分，没有主谓的吗）. Moreover, this measure helps the government to know more about the public and provide people with better service and assistance.

Undoubtedly, all the analysis confirms a remarkable view that help form the government is surely necessary and extremely vital for people. If there is anyone out there who still doubts if the help from the government is more efficient, who still wonder if the assistance from the government is more professional, who still questions if the help from the government is more favorable, this essay is my answer.（结尾真的棒啊，感觉很奥巴马哦哈哈。激动人心哦）

这篇文章一气呵成的感觉，第一遍读下来感觉好棒。如果现场能写这么好的话肯定good了，我想ETS那些考官改一篇文章用不到2分钟。你都没有拼写错误的。真心棒啊。感觉用长句的时候要特别注意语法的问题。不然一句中都没有主谓明确了。一起加油。

starlee的作文贴------求指导，欢迎各位大神来此狠批

所属分类: TOEFL / IELTS

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