ISSUE 4【丑闻是否有益】求拍求指教

xxfahima · 发表于 2012-5-13 17:59:07

题目：Scandals are useful because they focus our attention on problems in ways that no speaker or reformer ever could.

拙作
The speaker asserts that the use of scandals can make us pay attention in special ways that no speaker or reformer ever could. I agree with the assertion insofar as it relates to special ways of thinking on problems scandals give us. However, scandals can sometimes confuse people’s attention, therefore, blindly believing fictional scandals lead in misunderstanding should be avoided.
If scandals teach us anything, it’s that we shouldn’t judge a book by its cover. A priest can be a pedophile. A teacher can be a sadism. Scandals that trigger conflicting impulses, both to indulge and to punish, remind us of our most carnal selves and let us experience a rush of indignation and righteousness at the same time. That’s why people are entranced by sandals. Some scandals are not delicious but expose true hypocrisy, rottenness and crime. Consider what if a sanctimonious president of a Trust Fund performs perfectly in public but ultimately is reported sandals about accepting bribes. Admittedly, Scandals tell the truth and the complexity of the problems which helps us make appropriate judgments.

Scandals refer to immoral and illegal behavior in diverse fields reported ironically reveals certain social phenomenon that is neglected and hence cause social reflection which lead to progress. If sandals are not reported, hidden rules remain in confidence. But, in case that scandals arouse people’s attention, potential problems emerged and cause the focus of the society. When it comes to the conduct of businesses, I think that scandals not only can but must be avoided for the purpose of credit. Credit based business behavior can not challenge scandals even any trivial derogatory information. For example, the scandals of dairy product erupted in China, prompting a global recall of Chinese-made dairy products, shaking consumer confidence and devastating the nation’s dairy industry. An even more striking example of how scandals tremendously influence politics involves the event of the Watergate Scandal, which force Nixon to resign, revealing that is needed to strengthen supervision and to reinforce the management.

However, scandals may maliciously be exaggerated or fabricated in order to gain attention. They distract us from more important things to the extent that we are amused by scandals but get nothing worthy. Media reports focusing too much on scandals influence the tendency of social atmosphere.

In sum, I agree with the speaker that scandals remind us to deliberate issues from different aspects and serve to call attention to pervasive social problems. Nevertheless, the judgment of authenticity of the scandals is needed in case that they woks more harm than benefit to the society.

倒数第二段怎么想都想不出来还该写点什么，或者是想到了却表达不出来，求指教

普渡哥 · 发表于 2012-5-14 07:52:57

I agree with the assertion insofar 。。。。
insofar 是in so far? 那也不make sense.

普渡哥 · 发表于 2012-5-14 07:54:50

therefore, blindly believing fictional scandals lead in misunderstanding should be avoided.

这句话有语法问题。一点也不make sense.

xxfahima · 发表于 2012-5-14 10:39:04

insofar的那个句子是套用的北美范文里面的模版，后面那句改成这样会好点吗：

blindly believing fictional scandals that will lead to misunderstanding should be avoided.

淡淡飞过 · 发表于 2012-5-14 10:50:50

The speaker asserts that the use of scandals can make us pay attention in special ways that no speaker or reformer ever could. I agree with the assertion insofar as it relates to special ways of thinking on problems scandals give us. However, scandals can sometimes confuse people’s attention, therefore, blindly believing fictional scandals lead in misunderstanding should be avoided.

first of all, the second sentence seems not very understandable.
"I agree with the assertion in the sense that scandals sometimes can shed new lights for us to look at problems." Is this a little bit better?

Second, "confuse people's attention" is not a very good expression. You can say, "it cannot be denied that most of the time, scandals distract people's attention from seriously social issues to individual affairs and immorality."

我觉得开头非常重要，需要非常认真的对待

xxfahima · 发表于 2012-5-14 10:57:45

谢谢指教，这样改是顺多了，自己写出来的感觉都很生涩

淡淡飞过 · 发表于 2012-5-14 11:09:01

If scandals teach us anything, it’s that we shouldn’t judge a book by its cover. A priest can be a pedophile. A teacher can be a sadism. Scandals that trigger conflicting impulses, both to indulge and to punish, remind us of our most carnal selves and let us experience a rush of indignation and righteousness at the same time. That’s why people are entranced by sandals. Some scandals are not delicious but expose true hypocrisy, rottenness and crime. Consider what if a sanctimonious president of a Trust Fund performs perfectly in public but ultimately is reported sandals about accepting bribes. Admittedly, Scandals tell the truth and the complexity of the problems which helps us make appropriate judgments.

First, in analytical writings, formal or professional sentences are demanded. Esp, the first sentence. If I were you, I would use "First of all, scandals can teach us not to judge people by their appearances." Try to avoid figurative expressions in GRE writing. Besides, never use shouldn't or couldn't; instead, you should use should not, and could not, cannot, and is not, does not, etc.

Second, I really don't think it is proper to use words like "pedophile" and "sadism" in GRE writing. These words are very negative; even Americans will not use them. The teachers might begin to laugh when they spot these words.

淡淡飞过 · 发表于 2012-5-14 11:10:48

Don't worry, you just need more practice

淡淡飞过 · 发表于 2012-5-14 11:16:08

Analytical writings require us to have serious attitude toward what we write. Americans like seriousness. Therefore, you should use lots of formal sentences and avoid the words such as "we" or "I". The more objective your viewpoints are, the more professional your articles will be.

竹林中人 · 发表于 2012-5-14 11:17:07

我感觉作者需要先想好提纲啊，这篇文章太过空洞了。作为GRE写作，不应该有过多的太过主观的论述，也不要写的像散文似的，段落组织，句子组织，都很有讲究的，你有必要多多学习

[作文互改] ISSUE 4【丑闻是否有益】求拍求指教

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