ESSAY第一稿，求拍砖，求指教，顺便尝试召唤花朵大哥和ZIYE姐

liuxuanlihao · 发表于 2011-10-10 22:48:28

好不容易写了第一篇ESSAY的初稿，头都大了。
感觉还没有完全表达出我的想法，还要想想怎么添加。但是知道自己写的东西存在的问题是要事，所以就先把内容修改前的ESSAY发上来了，求牛牛们多给意见，多拍砖

Essays and Resume
Describe your post-MBA or post-MS career plans. How does your past education and experience support your career objectives? What aspects of the Simon School program make it a good choice for your graduate study? (500 word maximum)

The international financial world is changing rapidly. A company can stand out in the highly competitive society only if it can grasp the direction of change in financial markets. Financial analyst, the person that connects the company and the financial market, is what I’ve decided to become, and I’ve been preparing myself for it during the four years of my university life.

My undergraduate courses have provided me the basic knowledge of the business world. From basic courses such as economics and international finance, to courses more professional such as corporate finance and fix income securities, these courses provided me the theoretical basis for a financial analyst. However, after consulting some financial analysts, I found that the courses I took can hardly prepare me for an eligible financial analyst, since making actual decisions should take many practical factors into consideration.

To do a more comprehensive analysis, I need a deep understanding of the society, and the way to understand is to experience and to communicate. That’s why I participated in the voluntary activities. Voluntary activity is a good way to contact with people from different background or different culture. During the voluntary service in “Sunny family” for children with mental retardation, I realized that what we mean to give is not always what others can happily accept. The care we usually offered to mentally disabled children might sometimes make them uncomfortable, since their minds might be more mature than we considered, and they would feel despised if treated as kids. What they need wasn’t just care, but understanding. The experience I spent with them changed my way of thinking. I realized the importance of making decision on the perspective of others and kept practicing. During the service in the “Thousand-village” investigation, I gave advices after having in-depth interview for each family. I also applied for leading a team to serve Hong Kong visitors in the EXPO 2010 since I was from the same culture with them and could better meet their needs. Gradually I could do analysis more considerate. When working in the PICC Property and Casualty Company Limited as a trainee, I assisted in negotiating with 2 key clients on the indemnity amount. I reminded the clients that the compromise they made this time was in favor of a lower premium in future cooperation and then solved the problem.

However, my knowledge of finance and insight of the society still cannot prepare me for an outstanding financial analyst. I still have to experience, and to learn more about different aspects of the financial market and about basic analytical skills. That’s why I choose Simon, choose the MSF program. Not only because the specialized courses about financial analysis and about different subfields of the financial market, but also because the small size of international class and the diversity of student clubs that enable me to have thorough idea exchange with students form different cultures.

The cross-cultural experience and theoretical study in Simon are essential for me to fulfill my dream. And I, the future outstanding financial analyst, am surely the best choice for Simon.

Stellaxue · 发表于 2011-10-10 22:58:14

哈哈 lz这是罗村的essay吧？~~万恶的500字。。。

liuxuanlihao · 发表于 2011-10-10 23:02:57

哈哈 lz这是罗村的essay吧？~~万恶的500字。。。

-- by 会员 Stellaxue (2011/10/10 22:58:14)

对的，是罗村的。字数方面我觉得还能控制好，就主要是表达上和逻辑上的问题了。我在想我这篇东西是不是有种让人读了就想扔掉，或者说偏题的感觉

Stellaxue · 发表于 2011-10-10 23:06:34

哈哈 lz这是罗村的essay吧？~~万恶的500字。。。

-- by 会员 Stellaxue (2011/10/10 22:58:14)

对的，是罗村的。字数方面我觉得还能控制好，就主要是表达上和逻辑上的问题了。我在想我这篇东西是不是有种让人读了就想扔掉，或者说偏题的感觉

-- by 会员 liuxuanlihao (2011/10/10 23:02:57)

我个人感觉偏题倒不会，就是学术方面或者金融相关的经历描述有点少~~一点愚见啊：P

liuxuanlihao · 发表于 2011-10-10 23:12:20

哈哈 lz这是罗村的essay吧？~~万恶的500字。。。

-- by 会员 Stellaxue (2011/10/10 22:58:14)

对的，是罗村的。字数方面我觉得还能控制好，就主要是表达上和逻辑上的问题了。我在想我这篇东西是不是有种让人读了就想扔掉，或者说偏题的感觉

-- by 会员 liuxuanlihao (2011/10/10 23:02:57)

我个人感觉偏题倒不会，就是学术方面或者金融相关的经历描述有点少~~一点愚见啊：P

-- by 会员 Stellaxue (2011/10/10 23:06:34)

谢谢你的建议。其实我感觉也是有点偏离项目这个方向了，可是把最能突出我的故事讲完又没剩多少字数了。连LEADERSHIP方面都没怎么靠。其实我在想罗村一定要写到LEADERSHIP吗？

Stellaxue · 发表于 2011-10-10 23:13:36

对呀五百字就是那么坑爹啊不过我猜大家都不会写得很深的，根本不够啊

liuxuanlihao · 发表于 2011-10-10 23:16:44

对呀五百字就是那么坑爹啊不过我猜大家都不会写得很深的，根本不够啊

-- by 会员 Stellaxue (2011/10/10 23:13:36)

我明天好好改改。别人不深不能够我们也不深呀，要不怎么能突围而出。
电脑没电了，明天起来看评论

Edmond1987 · 发表于 2011-10-10 23:18:22

我也写了罗村的这篇essay，可以跟楼主share一下我的结构，一起探讨一下
第一段直抒胸意，说我要去你们那念书
第二段写短期计划
第三段写长期计划
第四段跟第五段写学校经历跟工作经历
最后一段写simon能给我的东西，主要就是吹嘘一下这个学校多好多好之类的

其实我觉得最难的是想清楚短期和长期的计划，我的短期计划也是出来做financial analyst
然后本科背景是坑爹的国贸，没啥可写的，工作的话，算是跟金融有些接触，写了点
最后就是查查学校的资料，然后看有啥可说的

就文章结构方面，我习惯上会直接回答essay要求的问题，跟LZ风格可能不同
语言方面，我觉得楼主肯定比我做的好很多，我写的基本都是大白话

就之前面试的经验来看，我觉得他家其实还是看重学校背景较多，LZ不妨多考虑下自己的专业背景跟实习经历是否可以说服对方，你可以接受罗村的MSF教育

不害怕不后悔 · 发表于 2011-10-10 23:37:59

第一版已经很不错了~~建议楼主想一个更吸引人的开头。

liuxuanlihao · 发表于 2011-10-11 08:47:28

我也写了罗村的这篇essay，可以跟楼主share一下我的结构，一起探讨一下
第一段直抒胸意，说我要去你们那念书
第二段写短期计划
第三段写长期计划
第四段跟第五段写学校经历跟工作经历
最后一段写simon能给我的东西，主要就是吹嘘一下这个学校多好多好之类的

其实我觉得最难的是想清楚短期和长期的计划，我的短期计划也是出来做financial analyst
然后本科背景是坑爹的国贸，没啥可写的，工作的话，算是跟金融有些接触，写了点
最后就是查查学校的资料，然后看有啥可说的

就文章结构方面，我习惯上会直接回答essay要求的问题，跟LZ风格可能不同
语言方面，我觉得楼主肯定比我做的好很多，我写的基本都是大白话

就之前面试的经验来看，我觉得他家其实还是看重学校背景较多，LZ不妨多考虑下自己的专业背景跟实习经历是否可以说服对方，你可以接受罗村的MSF教育

-- by 会员 Edmond1987 (2011/10/10 23:18:22)

感谢你的分享，我现在觉得我对我计划的刻画不够清晰了，并且第二段中写学术有点太宽泛了，不够说明我的ELIGABLE。
因为我希望是能在这篇ESSAY里面展示我自己的特点，而不仅仅是描述我的计划，所以文风比较注重介绍经历。但是发现自己在介绍经历和描述计划方面还做得不太好，我要再纠结一下

ESSAY第一稿，求拍砖，求指教，顺便尝试召唤花朵大哥和ZIYE姐

所属分类: 商学院申请

正在浏览此版块的会员 ()

浏览过的版块