ESSAY第一稿，求拍砖，求指教，顺便尝试召唤花朵大哥和ZIYE姐

tata9055

to make analysis... so you did a lot of voluntary activities?
really? make sense?    Cound not you feel anything that seem to be strange?

-- by 会员 tata9055 (2011/10/11 20:17:31)

我也觉得VOLUNTARY和我的CAREER GOAL有点远，但是因为我的INTERN太平淡，而且和职业定位也不太相关（保险），并且我觉得VOLUNTARY 还是让我对社会的认识和分析能力有很大提高，所以我尽量往他上面靠。但似乎效果不太好

-- by 会员 liuxuanlihao (2011/10/11 20:21:36)

They are really bad.
means nothing.
If i were you, i would say something about the quantitative method i had utilized in the experiences.

-- by 会员 tata9055 (2011/10/11 20:23:28)

我还是觉得VOLUN中我学到的，给我带来的是我的一个与众不同的地方，不太想轻易放弃。我在打算压缩VOLUN中的经历，这些经历如何帮助我成为一个ANALYST，希望效果会好一点

-- by 会员 liuxuanlihao (2011/10/11 20:29:09)

My Q here: you said you have contacted with some guys who really are analysts, have you?
From what you wrote on this essay, i cannot see any connections between your activities and your goal.
Make them relevant, or dump them all.

liuxuanlihao

Besides, I would suggest that you bring all the ACTIVITIES into the optional essay.

-- by 会员 tata9055 (2011/10/11 20:29:10)

恩，这个建议我会考虑考虑。另外我想请教一下，CAREER PLAN的描述，是一开始一步一步写得很详细好，还是开头大致整体描述，然后在下面段落中结合经历用整篇文章来描写好？

liuxuanlihao

to make analysis... so you did a lot of voluntary activities?
really? make sense?    Cound not you feel anything that seem to be strange?

-- by 会员 tata9055 (2011/10/11 20:17:31)

我也觉得VOLUNTARY和我的CAREER GOAL有点远，但是因为我的INTERN太平淡，而且和职业定位也不太相关（保险），并且我觉得VOLUNTARY 还是让我对社会的认识和分析能力有很大提高，所以我尽量往他上面靠。但似乎效果不太好

-- by 会员 liuxuanlihao (2011/10/11 20:21:36)

They are really bad.
means nothing.
If i were you, i would say something about the quantitative method i had utilized in the experiences.

-- by 会员 tata9055 (2011/10/11 20:23:28)

我还是觉得VOLUN中我学到的，给我带来的是我的一个与众不同的地方，不太想轻易放弃。我在打算压缩VOLUN中的经历，这些经历如何帮助我成为一个ANALYST，希望效果会好一点

-- by 会员 liuxuanlihao (2011/10/11 20:29:09)

My Q here: you said you have contacted with some guys who really are analysts, have you?
From what you wrote on this essay, i cannot see any connections between your activities and your goal.
Make them relevant, or dump them all.

-- by 会员 tata9055 (2011/10/11 20:31:04)

我会选择第一种。如何结合我会好好考虑的。其实我承认我的这个第一稿时围绕我的经历去往CAREER GOAL上面靠，而不是根据CAREER GOAL去组织我的经历

tata9055

Besides, I would suggest that you bring all the ACTIVITIES into the optional essay.

-- by 会员 tata9055 (2011/10/11 20:29:10)

恩，这个建议我会考虑考虑。另外我想请教一下，CAREER PLAN的描述，是一开始一步一步写得很详细好，还是开头大致整体描述，然后在下面段落中结合经历用整篇文章来描写好？

-- by 会员 liuxuanlihao (2011/10/11 20:32:50)

How to be detailed?
I would be analysts for the first 2 years, and then after 5 years.... I.....

Just as urself, what do you wanna  become after graduation and after 10 years?

liuxuanlihao

Besides, I would suggest that you bring all the ACTIVITIES into the optional essay.

-- by 会员 tata9055 (2011/10/11 20:29:10)

恩，这个建议我会考虑考虑。另外我想请教一下，CAREER PLAN的描述，是一开始一步一步写得很详细好，还是开头大致整体描述，然后在下面段落中结合经历用整篇文章来描写好？

-- by 会员 liuxuanlihao (2011/10/11 20:32:50)

How to be detailed?
I would be analysts for the first 2 years, and then after 5 years.... I.....

Just as urself, what do you wanna  become after graduation and after 10 years?

-- by 会员 tata9055 (2011/10/11 20:36:24)

谢谢，今天你的点评很受用。我继续改我的第二稿去。