ESSAY第一稿，求拍砖，求指教，顺便尝试召唤花朵大哥和ZIYE姐

tata9055

to make analysis... so you did a lot of voluntary activities?
really? make sense?    Cound not you feel anything that seem to be strange?

tata9055

your long term goal is to become a analyst for all your life? bullshit.

Half of the first para. means nothing to the AC

-- by 会员 tata9055 (2011/10/11 20:12:41)

花朵大哥终于出现了，语言还是那么的犀利。
第一段我也发现问题很大，现在第二稿改了一半，已经把第一段完全扔掉换成直接来说我的职业目标和规划了。
想请教一下您前面说的目标写成做FINANCIAL ANAYSIST，为什么不合适呢？这样写的话会给人什么感觉？应该往哪个方向改呢?

-- by 会员 liuxuanlihao (2011/10/11 20:17:18)

Short: analyst.
Long: some objective higher......

tata9055

WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT IN THE SECOND PARA.?

relevant to your career goals?

tata9055

4 and 5 are the same, so bring them together.

liuxuanlihao

to make analysis... so you did a lot of voluntary activities?
really? make sense?    Cound not you feel anything that seem to be strange?

-- by 会员 tata9055 (2011/10/11 20:17:31)

我也觉得VOLUNTARY和我的CAREER GOAL有点远，但是因为我的INTERN太平淡，而且和职业定位也不太相关（保险），并且我觉得VOLUNTARY 还是让我对社会的认识和分析能力有很大提高，所以我尽量往他上面靠。但似乎效果不太好

tata9055

to make analysis... so you did a lot of voluntary activities?
really? make sense?    Cound not you feel anything that seem to be strange?

-- by 会员 tata9055 (2011/10/11 20:17:31)

我也觉得VOLUNTARY和我的CAREER GOAL有点远，但是因为我的INTERN太平淡，而且和职业定位也不太相关（保险），并且我觉得VOLUNTARY 还是让我对社会的认识和分析能力有很大提高，所以我尽量往他上面靠。但似乎效果不太好

-- by 会员 liuxuanlihao (2011/10/11 20:21:36)

They are really bad.
means nothing.
If i were you, i would say something about the quantitative method i had utilized in the experiences.

liuxuanlihao

WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT IN THE SECOND PARA.?

relevant to your career goals?

-- by 会员 tata9055 (2011/10/11 20:19:59)

SENCOND PARA 我现在写第二稿时已经换了一种表达方式，写得更AGGRESIVE，直接写了我本科期间上了的课已经给我对金融业有基本了解，能给我做金融的分析打下良好基础，不知道这样有没有好一点？

tata9055

WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT IN THE SECOND PARA.?

relevant to your career goals?

-- by 会员 tata9055 (2011/10/11 20:19:59)

SENCOND PARA 我现在写第二稿时已经换了一种表达方式，写得更AGGRESIVE，直接写了我本科期间上了的课已经给我对金融业有基本了解，能给我做金融的分析打下良好基础，不知道这样有没有好一点？

-- by 会员 liuxuanlihao (2011/10/11 20:24:13)

I'd say MAY BE

liuxuanlihao

to make analysis... so you did a lot of voluntary activities?
really? make sense?    Cound not you feel anything that seem to be strange?

-- by 会员 tata9055 (2011/10/11 20:17:31)

我也觉得VOLUNTARY和我的CAREER GOAL有点远，但是因为我的INTERN太平淡，而且和职业定位也不太相关（保险），并且我觉得VOLUNTARY 还是让我对社会的认识和分析能力有很大提高，所以我尽量往他上面靠。但似乎效果不太好

-- by 会员 liuxuanlihao (2011/10/11 20:21:36)

They are really bad.
means nothing.
If i were you, i would say something about the quantitative method i had utilized in the experiences.

-- by 会员 tata9055 (2011/10/11 20:23:28)

我还是觉得VOLUN中我学到的，给我带来的是我的一个与众不同的地方，不太想轻易放弃。我在打算压缩VOLUN中的经历，这些经历如何帮助我成为一个ANALYST，希望效果会好一点

tata9055

Besides, I would suggest that you bring all the ACTIVITIES into the optional essay.