penny的作文帖——和那个看见作文就胆怯的我说拜拜

这是我批改的，如有问题，还请多包含
Which of the following factor contributes to an enjoyable vacation most? Good food,good location or good friends with you? 2012.04.20NA





Perhaps having（建议用taking，不知各位观点如何） a pleasant vacation is one of the most enjoyablethings(这里LZ是忘记空格了吧)  for people in the world. Despite various response（response是复数吧，这里应该加s） people may have aboutthe（亲，忘记空格了哦） topic which factor contributes the（建议去掉） most for a perfect vacation,（用句号比较好） I, given thechance（又木有空格，总觉得这个短语读着很别扭，可以换成：”If I get a chance to select, I will…..”这是我的想法，仅供参考哦）, prefer to endorse（可以去掉，后面直接跟着prefer比较好） that it is good friends with you that make thevacation（1.it is good friends…单复数错误。2. thevacation忘记空格。3.句子想表达的意思可以理解，但是表达上有问题）, somewhat smooth（用来形容vacation似乎不怎么恰当）, interesting, and memorable.

First, a helpful friend is like a magic bag, because when you havetroubles（空格）, he or she will always come out and save you from the awkwardsituation（空格）. I still remember the accident happened last year when I climbed the MountHua（空格）, which is one of the most arduous（这个词好像多形容工作或者任务什么的经历严峻考验，形容山的话，用steep貌似更恰当一些） mountains, accompanied by（建议换成with） my room-mates（中间不需要加“-”，直接写成roommate就好）. Onthe（空格） way down the hill, I fell down, hurt(建议换成injured） my knee, and could not walk. Myroommates（空格） helped carry my bag and sent me back. So when you encounter anydifficulties（空格） in your vacation, a friend with you will save you from unexpected unfortunate（后面应该跟个名词才是）.

Furthermore, a pleasant trip could not be without a funny friend.You may have the experience that sharing interesting things along the way,tasting（逗号后木有空格） delicious food and taking good photos together are of great enjoyment. It is（空格） dismal finding there is nobody（finding后应该加that）, when you want to share your feelings about,perhaps an exciting things you see on your trip. Moreover, if you are bored, heor（这个是人名吗？）she（如果heor是人名，那这句俩个主语叠加且中间没有任何连词神马的，不对啊） can come up with various methods to make you happy, for example, tellingan（空格，这里tell不应该加ing） interesting story or legends about the destination.

Finally, it is definitely more meaningful and memorable to have afellow（空格）, especially someone knowledgeable in your vacation. Some people travelfor（空格） fun, for food, for beautiful sightings（去掉s）, while some people travel for a changethat（空格）goes（去掉es） on, deep and permanent, in the ideas of living. If there is a friendwho（空格） has a better understanding of the significance lies in the vacation and aprofound（空格） view of the philosophy in lives, he or she will definitely informs youwith（空格） precious  knowledge, and you can learna（拼写错误） lot, thus receive a change in the ideas of living after having the vacation.

After ruminating these factors above, I amfully（空格） convinced that while（建议改成though） food, location are inseparable parts in a vacation,it is undeniable that the accompany of good friends contributes the most in a successfulvacation（空格）, because good friends help save people from dilemma, bring happiness,help get a better understanding in idea of living.











建议：



觉得文章整体思路还是清晰的，但是很多句子的表达上会有一些问题。



1、空格，文中有很多词与词之间忘记空格



2、句子表达，有个别句子，可以理解你的意思，但是你表达的似乎有问题，而且有的句子里有很多短句，很容易使句子结构和表达上产生问题，建议多看一看杨鹏长难句，会有帮助



3、用词，我觉得LZ用词上没有太多重复，但是有的词用的不算恰当



祝好！

TPO22

The professor actually contradicts the statements made in the passage. He is of the view that ethanol fuel is a good alternative to gasolinein（小粗心） the United State and offers three specific points.

First, according to the professor, the use of ethanol fuel will not add to the global warming. It is admitted that the use of this ethanol fuel releases carbon dioxide, but the total amount of carbon dioxide made by the ethanol will not increase. Since this fuel is made of plants, such as corns, the growing plants actually absorb carbon dioxide as one source of their nutrition. Consequently, the use of this fuel helps reduce the amount of the green house gas.

Further, contrary to belief (建议前面加个the限定下)in the passage that ethanol dramatically reduces the amount of plants available for other uses, the professor asserts that ethanol does not have to reduce the amount of plants for feeding. To be specific, ethanol can be made by a kind of plant that will not be eaten by animals, thus will not occupy the part of plants used for feeding.

Finally, the professor also points out that the price of ethanol will compete that of the gasoline in the long run. He said that though the low price of this fuel is currently maintained by the support from government, as the consumption of ethanol keeps growing, the price of it will eventually decrease. If the consumption(亮点词汇) of the ethanol grows three times as much as the amount of (去掉of)now, the price of producing the fuel is likely to drop 40%. This makes the final argument in the passage indefensible.(亮点词汇)

In conclusion, the contents in the passage are totally jeopardized by the professor, who uses three contradictory points to weaken the argument.(总结简洁有力)

这篇综合听写不错, 语言功底扎实. Excellent ! 建议把你那个professor多换换吧~特多了点~


PS,我的上传了,地址是:  http://forum.chasedream.com/TOEFL_Writing/thread-781814-3-1.html#last