AA011 我的第一篇argument.. 感谢斑竹们的指点,太有价值了

月底要考了,刚刚开始看作文.这是我的第一篇,不夸张,花了1个小时50分钟,我都要失去信心了... 请牛人指点指点, welcome any comment.不用顾及我的感受,实话实说. 若有任何关于如何提高速度的建议,将不胜感谢!!!

The argument concludes that the residents of San Perdito would be best served if they voted current mayor Montoya out of office and reelected the former one Varro. The author bases his conclusion firstly on the observation that during the first four years that Montoya has served as mayor of the city of San Perdito, the population has decreased and the unemployment rate has increased, moreover, that two businesses have closed for each new business that has opened. Also the author points out that the during the 4 years when Varro served as mayor , the unemployment rate decreased and the population increased. Although, at the first glance, the conclusion is somewhat reasonable, actually it suffers from several flaws .

Firstly, the “decrease” and “increase” author mentions in the argument is a vague description. We don’t know from the given information the nature of the compared data is. If the author is comparing the current economy with the most booming period of city San Perdito, the results are of course not appealing. If the data employed as the indication of current economic situation actually is not updated , the “decrease” and “increase” are doubtful as well.

Secondly, the author assumes that whether the city is best served can be fully illustrated in number of population, unemployment rate and business thriveness. It is true that the mentioned aspects are very important indicators in terms of the economy, but there are still some important ones which should be taken into consideration such as benefits of the residents, public facilities and public security etc. It is possible that different mayors have different focuses during their incumbencies. It is very likely that the mayor Montoya has impressed the residents on better environment harness, less crime rate and better public facilities, which in long run will benefit the residents.

Even if the above mentioned flaws are cleared, the argument still has a serious flaw. The author based his conclusion on a critical assumption: the mayor should be solely responsible for the results happened during his/her incumbency. That assumption is questionable, since we know there are a lot of other factors that need to be ruled out. For incidence, the decreased population may be caused by a unexpected nature disaster such as hurricane happened during the mayor’s incumbency, which is nothing with his administration. The increased unemployment rate maybe is a structured unemployment caused by the precedent mayor’s mistaken investment policy. And it is possible that the close of some businesses is also due to the wrong investments in the previous terms. An assumption is something that needs to be true in order for the argument to be established with the given evidences. Since the assumption is not the case, the argument is not well established.

月底要考了,刚刚开始看作文.这是我的第一篇,不夸张,花了1个小时50分钟,我都要失去信心了... 请牛人指点指点, welcome any comment.不用顾及我的感受,实话实说. 若有任何关于如何提高速度的建议,将不胜感谢!!!

The argument concludes that the residents of San Perdito would be best served if they voted current mayor Montoya out of office and reelected the former one Varro. The author bases his conclusion firstly on the observation that during the first four years that Montoya has served as mayor of the city of San Perdito, the population has decreased and the unemployment rate has increased, and moreover, that two businesses have closed for each new business that has opened. Also the author points out that the during the 4 years when Varro served as mayor , the unemployment rate decreased and the population increased. Although, at the first glance, the conclusion is somewhat reasonable, actually it suffers from several flaws .

1、highlight处的过去时态没有依据吧？一般现在时态就okay了吧？

2、that..., and moreover that...这样表达才对称吧~~平行结构要有and呢。the during应该是笔误吧，the去掉。suffer是vt.，from应该去掉。

3、注意打字时的空格位置哦~~先打标点，再打空格~~蓝色高亮处均是。

Firstly, the “decrease” and “increase” author mentions in the argument is a vague description. We don’t know from the given information the nature of the compared data is. If the author is comparing the current economy with the most booming period of city San Perdito, the results are of course not appealing. If the data employed as the indication of current economic situation actually is not updated , the “decrease” and “increase” are doubtful as well.

1、切记！！正式英文写作中没有don't, I'm这样的缩写...这是informal的口语习惯。在formal的书面语中，请拆开，分成两个词，如：do not, I am等等。

2、is多余...或者know from sth sth，或者know from sth + what宾语从句。the nature前加what或者is去掉。

Secondly, the author assumes that whether the city is best served can be fully illustrated in the number of the population, unemployment rate and business thriveness. It is true that the mentioned aspects are very important indicators in terms of the economy, but there are still some important ones which should be taken into consideration, such as benefits of the residents, public facilities and public security etc. It is possible that different mayors have different focuses during their incumbencies. It is very likely that the mayor Montoya has impressed the residents on better environment harness, less crime rate and better public facilities, which in long run will benefit the residents.

1、特指，number和population前最好有the

2、consideration后面最好加个逗号吧~~不然such as 指代有歧义。不过这个问题不大。awa主要不是看语法，还是看思维和行文。

Even if the above mentioned flaws are cleared, the argument still has a serious flaw. The author based his conclusion on a critical assumption: the mayor should be solely responsible for the results happened during his/her incumbency. That assumption is questionable, since we know there are a lot of other factors that need to be ruled out. For incidence, the decreased population may be caused by an unexpected nature disaster such as hurricane happened during the mayor’s incumbency, which is nothing with his administration. The increased unemployment rate maybe is a structured unemployment caused by the precedent mayor’s mistaken investment policy. And it is possible that the close of some businesses is also due to the wrong investments in the previous terms. An assumption is something that needs to be true in order for the argument to be established with the given evidences. Since the assumption is not the case, the argument is not well established.

1、感觉critical是褒义性质的，而你想批驳这个assumption...用critical不好吧~~改成dubious或者unconvincing之类的会合适一些~：）

2、unexpected前面用an

3、highlight处chinglish...我明白你的意思，可是语法表达不应该是这样的。not concern about或者 be no related都成。

第二个highlight处的assumption is not the case好像也别扭...感觉要有个介词，on the case或者within the case...我语法全凭语感的，不敢确定~~个人意见，仅供参考。

4、close的n.意思不是关闭，改成closure.