AA011 我的第一篇argument.. 感谢斑竹们的指点,太有价值了

emilyjiang

月底要考了,刚刚开始看作文.这是我的第一篇,不夸张,花了1个小时50分钟,我都要失去信心了... 请牛人指点指点, welcome any comments.不用顾及我的感受,实话实说. 若有任何关于如何提高速度的建议,将不胜感谢!!!

11．The following appeared in the editorial section of a local newspaper.
“In the first four years that Montoya has served as mayor of the city of San Perdito, the population has decreased and the unemployment rate has increased. Two businesses have closed for each new business that has opened. Under Varro, who served as mayor for four years before Montoya, the unemployment rate decreased and the population increased. Clearly, the residents of San Perdito would be best served if they voted Montoya out of office and reelected Varro.”
Discuss how well reasoned . . . etc.

The argument concludes that the residents of San Perdito would be best served if they voted current mayor Montoya out of office and reelected the former one Varro. The author bases his conclusion firstly on the observation that during the first four years that Montoya has served as mayor of the city of San Perdito, the population has decreased and the unemployment rate has increased, moreover, that two businesses have closed for each new business that has opened. Also the author points out that the during the 4 years when Varro served as mayor , the unemployment rate decreased and the population increased. Although, at the first glance, the conclusion is somewhat reasonable, actually it suffers from several flaws .

Firstly, the “decrease” and “increase” author mentions in the argument is a vague description. We don’t know from the given information the nature of the compared data is. If the author is comparing the current economy with the most booming period of city San Perdito, the results are of course not appealing. If the data employed as the indication of current economic situation actually is not updated , the “decrease” and “increase” are doubtful as well.

Secondly, the author assumes that whether the city is best served can be fully illustrated in number of population, unemployment rate and business thriveness. It is true that the mentioned aspects are very important indicators in terms of the economy, but there are still some important ones which should be taken into consideration such as benefits of the residents, public facilities and public security etc. It is possible that different mayors have different focuses during their incumbencies. It is very likely that the mayor Montoya has impressed the residents on better environment harness, less crime rate and better public facilities, which in long run will benefit the residents.

Even if the above mentioned flaws are cleared, the argument still has a serious flaw. The author based his conclusion on a critical assumption: the mayor should be solely responsible for the results happened during his/her incumbency. That assumption is questionable, since we know there are a lot of other factors that need to be ruled out. For incidence, the decreased population may be caused by a unexpected nature disaster such as hurricane happened during the mayor’s incumbency, which is nothing with his administration. The increased unemployment rate maybe is a structured unemployment caused by the precedent mayor’s mistaken investment policy. And it is possible that the close of some businesses is also due to the wrong investments in the previous terms. An assumption is something that needs to be true in order for the argument to be established with the given evidences. Since the assumption is not the case, the argument is not well established.

In conclusion, the line of the reasoning in this argument is problematic for the above flaws. To strengthen this argument, the author should provide more relevant information including the updated data and comparison base concerning population, unemployment and businesses as well as other more indicators on benefits, crime rate and environment. Besides, the author should rule out other factors other than the responsibilities of mayor that affect the turnout of the economic situation of the city.

[此贴子已经被作者于2005-7-16 1:26:13编辑过]

judydongxueni

http://forum.chasedream.com/dispbbs.asp?boardID=26&ID=108228&page=10

这个是以前的一个关于时间的帖子看看对你有没有帮助，如果还是写不完再个别讨论也可以的。

judydongxueni

呵呵题号要记得标啊，题目也要粘上来的。

我都答应别人不符合版规的不给看拉！可是你要考拉，所以下不为例拉！

judydongxueni

以下是引用emilyjiang在2005-7-15 6:16:00的发言：

月底要考了,刚刚开始看作文.这是我的第一篇,不夸张,花了1个小时50分钟,我都要失去信心了... 请牛人指点指点, welcome any comment.不用顾及我的感受,实话实说. 若有任何关于如何提高速度的建议,将不胜感谢!!!

The argument concludes that the residents of San Perdito would be best served if they voted current mayor Montoya out of office and reelected the former one Varro. The author bases his conclusion firstly on the observation that during the first four years that Montoya has served as mayor of the city of San Perdito, the population has decreased and the unemployment rate has increased, moreover, that two businesses have closed for each new business that has opened. Also the author points out that the during the 4 years when Varro served as mayor , the unemployment rate decreased and the population increased. Although, at the first glance, the conclusion is somewhat reasonable, actually it suffers from several flaws .

Firstly, the “decrease” and “increase” author mentions in the argument is a vague description. We don’t know from the given information the nature of the compared data is. If the author is comparing the current economy with the most booming period of city San Perdito, the results are of course not appealing. If the data employed as the indication of current economic situation actually is not updated , the “decrease” and “increase” are doubtful as well.

Secondly, the author assumes that whether the city is best served can be fully illustrated in number of population, unemployment rate and business thriveness. It is true that the mentioned aspects are very important indicators in terms of the economy, but there are still some important ones which should be taken into consideration such as benefits of the residents, public facilities and public security etc. It is possible that different mayors have different focuses during their incumbencies. It is very likely that the mayor Montoya has impressed the residents on better environment harness, less crime rate and better public facilities, which in long run will benefit the residents.

Even if the above mentioned flaws are cleared, the argument still has a serious flaw. The author based his conclusion on a critical assumption: the mayor should be solely responsible for the results happened during his/her incumbency. That assumption is questionable, since we know there are a lot of other factors that need to be ruled out. For incidence, the decreased population may be caused by a unexpected nature disaster such as hurricane happened during the mayor’s incumbency, which is nothing with his administration. The increased unemployment rate maybe is a structured unemployment caused by the precedent mayor’s mistaken investment policy. And it is possible that the close of some businesses is also due to the wrong investments in the previous terms. An assumption is something that needs to be true in order for the argument to be established with the given evidences. Since the assumption is not the case, the argument is not well established.

In conclusion, the line of the reasoning in this argument is problematic for the above flaws. To strengthen this argument, the author should provide more relevant information including the updated data and comparison base concerning population, unemployment and businesses as well as other more indicators on benefits, crime rate and environment. Besides, the author should rule out other factors other than the responsibilities of mayor that affect the turnout of the economic situation of the city.

呵呵问题不是很大的。偶要午睡就不给你改语法拉。从大的方面说一下就好拉。

你的语言功力是有的文章写的也挺好。但是GMAT是限时的。我们的目标就是在规定的时间写出符合高分标准的文章。

在我看来一篇高分的GMAT作文结构，语法，逻辑，内容，重要性依次降低。因为e-rater只看连接词和结构，而人工也没有太多的时间去仔细看你的细微的东西。

建议就是突击看两天AWA224看看别人是怎么写的，然后在模仿的基础上去创作。没有思路的看看提纲的讨论链接或者开帖子问。肯定没问题的，期待你的好成绩。

还有就是你的帖子发上来的时间不长啊？为什么说没人理呢？

[此贴子已经被作者于2005-7-15 13:09:06编辑过]

happyfish0517

以下是引用emilyjiang在2005-7-15 6:16:00的发言：

月底要考了,刚刚开始看作文.这是我的第一篇,不夸张,花了1个小时50分钟,我都要失去信心了... 请牛人指点指点, welcome any comment.不用顾及我的感受,实话实说. 若有任何关于如何提高速度的建议,将不胜感谢!!!

The argument concludes that the residents of San Perdito would be best served if they voted current mayor Montoya out of office and reelected the former one Varro. The author bases his conclusion firstly on the observation that during the first four years that Montoya has served as mayor of the city of San Perdito, the population has decreased and the unemployment rate has increased, and moreover, that two businesses have closed for each new business that has opened. Also the author points out that the during the 4 years when Varro served as mayor , the unemployment rate decreased and the population increased. Although, at the first glance, the conclusion is somewhat reasonable, actually it suffers from several flaws .

1、highlight处的过去时态没有依据吧？一般现在时态就okay了吧？

2、that..., and moreover that...这样表达才对称吧~~平行结构要有and呢。the during应该是笔误吧，the去掉。suffer是vt.，from应该去掉。

3、注意打字时的空格位置哦~~先打标点，再打空格~~蓝色高亮处均是。

Firstly, the “decrease” and “increase” author mentions in the argument is a vague description. We don’t know from the given information the nature of the compared data is. If the author is comparing the current economy with the most booming period of city San Perdito, the results are of course not appealing. If the data employed as the indication of current economic situation actually is not updated , the “decrease” and “increase” are doubtful as well.

1、切记！！正式英文写作中没有don't, I'm这样的缩写...这是informal的口语习惯。在formal的书面语中，请拆开，分成两个词，如：do not, I am等等。

2、is多余...或者know from sth sth，或者know from sth + what宾语从句。the nature前加what或者is去掉。

Secondly, the author assumes that whether the city is best served can be fully illustrated in the number of the population, unemployment rate and business thriveness. It is true that the mentioned aspects are very important indicators in terms of the economy, but there are still some important ones which should be taken into consideration, such as benefits of the residents, public facilities and public security etc. It is possible that different mayors have different focuses during their incumbencies. It is very likely that the mayor Montoya has impressed the residents on better environment harness, less crime rate and better public facilities, which in long run will benefit the residents.

1、特指，number和population前最好有the

2、consideration后面最好加个逗号吧~~不然such as 指代有歧义。不过这个问题不大。awa主要不是看语法，还是看思维和行文。

Even if the above mentioned flaws are cleared, the argument still has a serious flaw. The author based his conclusion on a critical assumption: the mayor should be solely responsible for the results happened during his/her incumbency. That assumption is questionable, since we know there are a lot of other factors that need to be ruled out. For incidence, the decreased population may be caused by an unexpected nature disaster such as hurricane happened during the mayor’s incumbency, which is nothing with his administration. The increased unemployment rate maybe is a structured unemployment caused by the precedent mayor’s mistaken investment policy. And it is possible that the close of some businesses is also due to the wrong investments in the previous terms. An assumption is something that needs to be true in order for the argument to be established with the given evidences. Since the assumption is not the case, the argument is not well established.

1、感觉critical是褒义性质的，而你想批驳这个assumption...用critical不好吧~~改成dubious或者unconvincing之类的会合适一些~：）

2、unexpected前面用an

3、highlight处chinglish...我明白你的意思，可是语法表达不应该是这样的。not concern about或者 be no related都成。

第二个highlight处的assumption is not the case好像也别扭...感觉要有个介词，on the case或者within the case...我语法全凭语感的，不敢确定~~个人意见，仅供参考。

4、close的n.意思不是关闭，改成closure.

In conclusion, the line of the reasoning in this argument is problematic for the above flaws. To strengthen this argument, the author should provide more relevant information including the updated data and comparison base concerning population, unemployment and businesses as well as other more indicators on benefits, crime rate and environment. Besides, the author should rule out other factors other than the responsibilities of mayor that affect the turnout of the economic situation of the city.

1、for表原因不如because of 好~不过问题不大。

我的几点意见：

a.字数很够了...530多字，凭字数就可以得高分了...其实只要400字左右就成了。但是所用的时间离谱了一点，嘻嘻~~提高速度哦，我后面说怎么提高。

b.有个别小小的语法问题，不过问题都不大，呵呵，awa不注重语法的。打字也要多练习...这些都是见过，写过几篇之后就能改正的，不愁。

c.第一段太长...缩写第一段。我发现很多人都有这个问题，喜欢在第一段把aa的所有逻辑错误列举出来，可是这样就浪费了时间，而且和后文重复。可以把

The author bases his conclusion firstly on the observation that during the first four years that Montoya has served as mayor of the city of San Perdito, the population has decreased and the unemployment rate has increased, and moreover, that two businesses have closed for each new business that has opened. Also the author points out that the during the 4 years when Varro served as mayor , the unemployment rate decreased and the population increased.

这几句话，分散在下面段落中用firstly, secondly, moreover, also...这样分段论述。第一段只要写：contains some crucial fallacies, and the conclusion seems pretty hasty in the light of a moreconvincing assertion that...接topic sentence.

最好有明确主题句。第一段篇幅不要太大，可以节省时间。

3、另一个节省时间的地方是论述中。我发现jj的个段举例非常多，而且喜欢用it is possible that这样的句型，来列举其他可能的情况。有的段落中列举了三四个possibilities...有点多，可以选择典型的来列举，一两个就足够了。

暂时就想到这些...写得不错~~主要是要注意掐时间！！！！！！还有些小毛病具体打字的时候要注意，就okay了~~

a za a za fighting...

happyfish0517

另外，准备模版，也是提高速度的一个捷径：）

happyfish0517

晕~~judy我俩撞了~~还好你没给改语法...

lz表急啊~~可能斑斑和你的上网时间不一样呢~~嘻嘻，先快把标题给改啦~~注明是aa哪一题哦！！~

emilyjiang

太感谢了．．．真是感谢两位斑竹的热心帮助．真的受益非浅．

Judy,我刚把题号放上了，原题也贴上了．不好意思，是心急了些．下次会注意！ 我会多多利用这里的宝贵资源，现在就在看范文了，准备琢磨一下自己的模版

happyfish,你说的几点确实是我现在最大的问题．我的第一段是太长，我自己也觉察到了，当时觉得不写上，没有说清楚．写上嘛，又觉得废话多，还不是拷贝了一下题目，好像没有能力给个很好的概括．而且，写的多，还要考虑连接词．你给的建议非常好，再遇到好几个的evidence的题目，我不会都在地一段总结．

还有，感谢happyfish看的这么仔细,修改了这么多语法错误,我知道修改别人的文章最费时间了.Really appreciated that.

judydongxueni

辛苦fish姐姐拉！fish 是两区斑斑，自己还一大堆事情忙的要死。

给姐姐鼓掌

啪啪啪啪啪啪啪啪啪啪啪啪啪啪啪啪啪啪啪啪啪啪

happyfish0517

我晕~我今晚8点飞张家界...最后来看一眼...这两天辛苦judy了~~