独立作文求狠批

错误   没错但是改了更好 段落结构问题

Nowadays ,some people complains that youngpeople depend on their parents too much that they could not make decisionswithout their parents .But I am the one ,and（我觉得把and去掉会更简洁，放在这没什么错，但是去掉会更符合老外习惯？） maybe always be ,（加上of，不能直接说I am the one those people，应该是I amthe one of those people）those people who hold the opinion that young people are better tomake decisions on their own that(打错了吧，应该是than)young people（加上did） in the past. 我觉得这里咱们的理解不一样啊，题目说的是以前的年轻人更依赖父母做决定而现在的年轻人更喜欢自己做决定，你同不同意这个说法，所以对比应该是时间前后的对比，但是你的第一句说的是现在的年轻人太依赖父母，没有提到之前的年轻人怎样怎样，所以后面突然出来比之前的年轻人做决定做得好感觉有点突兀诶，就是文章构造的问题，求讨论。

Admittedly ,it was common ,in ancient china,parents made decision(decisions) for theirchildren .Even ,the whole lives of children might (加上be，这里你想说的应该是被决定) determined by their parents whodecided whatvocation（把what改成which，而且这里用vacation有点奇怪啊，要去哪一个假期有点怪，要不换成summercamp夏令营？） children should be engaged in ,who children should marry on（marry一般和with搭配，或者直接去掉with用及物动词的形式也行）.It is a proverb that reflect（reflects吧） this phenomenon , “parents andmatchmakers decided（一般谚语都用一般现在时，改成decide） the（这里没有特指哪一个小孩，所以应该去掉the） children’s wives/husbands” .since only under the circumstance thatpeople were constricted by the awareness of confucianism which have greatimpact on Chinese and society leaded by emperors （since引导的是一个从句，这里没有完整句子）.Emperorsspread the thoughts that children are(were)possession of parents so that children’s life(lives) must(加上be，被动)determined by theirparents ,which cause（caused吧） that young people（最好一直用young people，前面一直在说children，后面变成young people有点奇怪，children和年轻人还是有点区别的） could not make better decision(decisions) .

In contemporary society, dependent as someyoung people are , there are large number（numbers） of young people（加上that或者把make变成making） make better choice on their own. Withdevelopment of society and spreading of different kinds of culture ,parentsrealized that determining for their children would cause physically and mentally（physical and mental） damage to their children .People who cannot make appropriate decision(s) are at odds with contemporary societywhich need(s) far-seeing people .In another(other) words ,people’s life hinge on thedecisions they make .So Instead of (parents’ ，因为后面句子的核心词是number而不是parents)making decision(s) for their children ,an increasing numberof parents choose to provide some suggestion(s)to their children in order to develop the children’s ability on how todetermine matters .Hence young people can make better decisions than before.They determine their life(lives) well .They areresponsible for their lives .And they never regret (加上the更好)decisions they made. My experience is (加上a) case in point .When I was seven years old ,my mother began todevelop the（the 换成my，不是你麻麻在发展她自己的能力） abilityof making decisions .I decided to study music and she taught me how to chooseinstruments .With the help of my mother , I determined to play the violin whichgave me competitive edge .After ten years（years’） learning ,I passed the exam of ability of art which help（helped） me entered（enter） one of the famous university（universities） in China. Similarly, thispoint also can be illustrated by my cousin’s experience .When he was young , hewanted to experience the(换成a) variety kinds of life（lives） and expanded（to expand） his outlook ,so hedecided to go abroad .It was his parents that support（supported） him and provide（provided） the chance of best education of English inour city .After several years of Endeavour(小写) his dream came true and now he is a PHD of psychology which fields（field） he enjoyed in the US .(最后这句没看懂--)

In conclusion ,it is young people nowadaysthat can make better decisions than young people in the past.

Tips.

1 逗号和空格有点不对，应该是一个句子完了之后逗号，然后空格，然后继续下一句，大概是这样：In conclusion, it is young people… 而不是In conclusion ,it is young people…

2 不知道跟CD的上传有没有关系，总之分段的时候要不然是每段顶头写，一段完了之后空一行然后继续下一段，要不然是每段开始的时候空两个字，每段和每段之间没有空行

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3 让步段太长了啊，跟支持你观点的段落几乎一样长，不看第一段的话其实看不出来你的观点啦。我不知道OG上怎么规定的，但是只举出一个原因好像有点少啊，不知道可不可以。

4 单复数和时态，全是小问题，但是全篇出现的太多了，所以写的时候稍微留意下，因为这个丢分有点划不来~

有什么问题我们再讨论啦~