第一次习作，求很批。多谢啦！

What is your dream job? When facing such a problem(problem是要解决的，而现在的问题是要回答的哈~~~), I will respond that a perfect job is high-paying and secure. But life is hard and helpless, it is universally acknowledged that such a perfect job is close at hand but far out of reach. In reality, a secure job is always low-paying while a high-paying job is easily lost. As for me, I value more about the salary of a job since it is a good indication（我觉得这里用indicator好一些，不只是迹象而且有指向作用） of my contribution to my company.

First and foremost, a high-paying but insecure job enables people to work harder cause（because？） the more value you create, the less possibility you will lose the job. In order to keep this job, nothing is more important to create more benefit as possible as you could for your company. In another words, people are compelled to perform better and make more contribution to their company to stay in their position. As a consequence, your better performance decreases the possibility to lose this high-paying job. What’s more, such a job is like a crystal plane, fragile as it is, its beauty pays to more protection and efforts. Those who have a high-paying but insecure job will overcome more difficulties and make greater progress.

By contrast, a secure but low-paying job makes a person pessimistic and lazy. For one thing, there is no doubt that a secure and stable environment do no good to make progress since there are no challenges, no risks and no surprises. A case in point is the cat tiger in zoos, its ability to hunting is degrading day by day because of the too secure environment. If it were sent to the forest, it would easily be meat of other wild animals. For another thing, a good salary can be a great incentive for people to work hard, if paid lowly, people always have no enthusiasm to work hard thus their performance will be disappointed. Such a job is like a greenhouse, providing us a comfortable surroundings but lacking so many risks that we must face to embrace a more colorful life.

In conclusion, compared with a low-paying but secure job, a high-paying but insecure job is more challengeable but more deserved. Though more difficult to hold a high-paying job, it brings us more surprises and progresses. Such a good job brings home to people the value of working hard.

感觉句子都挺顺的，不过词汇稍微变化少了一点，用词也偏简单。
另外，两个分论点感觉是一个论点，正反各说了一遍。而且说理偏多，建议多使用一些实际的例子。