第一二三只的作文帖~~求指导！！！

第一二三只 · 发表于 2012-9-26 16:58:37

3.5号的作文在第 2 页~~谢谢抽出宝贵时间修改我的作文~~错误和不足肯定都有很多！请毫不留情的指出来吧！我一定会尽全力改正的！！
Thank you soooooooooooo much !

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第一次写作文，肯定会有很多不对不好需要修改的地方！！请各位不要嫌弃我~~帮我改出不足！
小女子在此跪谢~~
先是综合部分~~
The reading passage talks about the "great house" in the America. There are three reasons explain the use of this house. However, professor does not think these points are convinced.
First of all, the reading passage claims that they were used as home. Over 100 people lived in the big house. The professor believes that the Chaco structures were not an apartment, though they seemed to be. Inside of the house, there is only few fire place that cannot support more than 100 people live.
Secondly, the reading material says that the great house's function was storing food. While, the professor holds an opposite opinion. If they were used to store grain maize, excavations should be covered by crops and the floor could not have grain maize.
Thirdly, the reading material thinks that houses were ceremonial centers because of lots of broken pots which be used by archaeologists to identify Pueblo Alto as an ceremonial centers. However, the professor claims that Pueblo Alto had many materials besides pots and these pots just were trash.

然后是独立部分
People who cannot accept the criticism from others will not be successful at working in a group.

On contemporary society, people tend to work together as a team which means they should have team spirit. As a team worker who cannot accept the suggestions even the criticism from others will not be successful. The criticism can urge people improve their efficiency and help them correct fault.

By accepting colleagues criticism, people could enhance their working efficiency. High working speed means high profits and more chance to promote. For instance, the managers in Apple company accepted their former CEO Jobs criticism and his back. Whatever Jobs' characters were, they knew he and his ideas were their wealth. As all people know, Jobs pursued perfect. So he always required workers in his team doing perfect. Iphones demand workers more efficient to develop more new applications. Although the progress was tough, people in Jobs team must achieve more than others. Of course, they had a big succeed.

Others criticism is a good way for people to correct their faults. Through criticism, people could get what they do is not enough and for their own benefit, they definitely change. For example, I did a research about people's live style with four classmates last summer holiday. At first, I wanted to invest different kinds of people in only one community. However, one of our team workers disagreed my opinion and criticized my incompletely thoughts. He claimed that we should research at least 5 kinds of communities. Meanwhile, we also needed do research on some shopping malls and beggars. Finally, the research was the best one in my school. If we did not follow others criticism, we would not have such a great succeed.

Admittedly, others criticism is not always right. Before we accept their advice, we had better think it over. Some bad criticisms make things worse. Take my brother Chou as an example. When he was a middle school student, he did not play computer games. But once he attended into high school, his classmates criticized him that he could not join them. Chou just accepted it and did not think about this criticism was right or wrong. After that, he adopted into games and had a poor score.

Taking into account all of factors, we may safely arrive at the conclusion that people in the team should listen to others' criticism in order to achieve succeed.

fuzhengrui · 发表于 2012-9-26 20:12:21

xeyyxzty · 发表于 2012-9-26 21:47:30

On contemporary society,people tend to work together as a team which means they should have teamspirit. ~~As a~~ teamworker who cannot accept the suggestions even the criticism from others willnot be successful. The criticism can urge people improve their efficiency andhelp them correct faults.

By accepting ~~colleagues~~ criticism from colleagues,people could enhance(个人认为increase更恰当) their working efficiency. High workingspeed（这算是chinglish吗？不懂什么意思哈） means high profits and more chances to promote. For instance, the managers in Apple company acceptedtheir former CEO Jobs (criticism from Jobs, their former CEO) criticism and his back. Whatever Jobs' characters were, they knew he(him)and his ideas were their wealth. As all people know, Jobspursued perfect. So he always required workers in his team doing perfect.Iphones demand workers to be more efficient to developmore new applications. Although the progress was tough, people in Jobs teammust achieve more than others. Of course, they had a big succeed.(个人意见哈，例子有一点小啰嗦哦)

Others’ criticism is a good wayfor people to correct their faults. Through criticism, people couldget what they do is not enough and for their own benefit,(介意我说我没有看懂吗)they definitely change. For example, I did a research aboutpeople's live style(living style or life style?总之不是你写的那个吧~)with four classmates last summer holiday. At first, Iwanted to invest(什么意思？难道除了投资还有别的含义？告诉我啊) different kinds of people in only one community. However, one of ourteam workers(members) disagreedwith my opinion and criticized my incompletely thoughts. He claimed that we should research at least 5 kinds ofcommunities. Meanwhile, we also needed do research on some shopping malls andbeggars. Finally, the research was the best one in my school. If we did not followothers criticism, we would not have such a great succeed.
例子没有提到最后采纳建议了~这个应该加上吧~同时个人感觉也有点罗嗦~原谅我吧~~~

Admittedly, others’ criticismis not always right. Before we accept their advice, we had better think itover. Some bad criticisms make things worse. Take my brother Chou as anexample. When he was a middle school student, he did not play computer games.But once he attended into high school, his classmates criticized him that hecould not join them. Chou just accepted it(貌似意思是采纳了~) anddid not think about(whether) thiscriticism was right or wrong. After that, he adoptedinto games(was addicited to playing games) andhad a poor score.

Taking into account all of factors(takingall factors into account), we may safely arrive at the conclusion that peoplein the team should listen to others' criticism in order to achieve succeed.

结尾太仓促了~有点短呢
然后就是例子的表述太多了吧~有点凑字数的嫌疑哈~

加油加油

第一二三只 · 发表于 2012-9-27 17:16:56

多谢各位的批改！我的作文真的是各种错误啊。。。。脸红。。。

你们改的都是我需要纠正的！！

就像这篇文章一样，people who cannot accept criticism will not be successful!!!!
总结一下缺陷：
1、例子表述太多，啰嗦，且不清晰！！；这是最突出的毛病。。我自己也感觉是在凑字数。
2、用词不当，表达不地道。。。
3、结尾用模板的痕迹太重。。

针对以上不足，我决定先研究一星期的满分作文，模仿他们的思维，总结好的用法，找出自己的一套作文模式。
以现在的水平，我觉得还没有到让别人帮我改的程度，因为现在还是太不好了。
等我克服了以上缺点后，我再来！

第一二三只 · 发表于 2012-10-6 18:37:21

10.6独立。今天在写之前看了几篇范文，有点比葫芦画瓢的赶脚。。因为我的作文功底有限，还劳烦各位大神帮忙指出错误和不足~~~~~~
Your job will have more effect on you happiness than the social life does.

As a popular saying goes, a wonderful life is that people had better find jobs which would make them feel happy, since sleep is sweat all night and working is delight all day. Based on happiness, the efficient of working extraordinarily increases substantially.

First and foremost, only depending on interests are people willing to do their job better. And happiness gives people motivate to achieve perfect conclusions in order to fulfill their interests. Supposed that a teacher feels satisfied when his or her students show their respect to the teacher and he or she often receive a sense of success, the teacher almost will teach far more assiduous than before. Furthermore, if a lawyer's hobby is his job, people would definitely understand why he is so perseverant to dig the truth of his case. Given that the lawyer does not like his job, regarding it as a earning money tool, he probably would not do his best for clients to get a fair judgment or spend his spare time on researching. Via happiness, people do more. Not only can hobbies control their attitudes about jobs and lives, but also influence people's lifestyle.

Equally important is the point that working delightly stimulates people's innovation thus promote the efficient of working. Most people create great things on certain area where they are interested in. As many people know, the youngest billionaire on contemporary society, Mark Zuckerberg, is the founder of Facebook. He had an insatiable appetite for designing computer program when he got his first computer. When in Harvard University, he settled up a web site which the students in Harvard would use it put their pictures and dairies on it. And then, people in all over the world involve in this web site. Due to his large passion on computer, that fascinating web site could be created. Often, finding a job is finding a method to chase dream.

Admittedly, a lot of people work just for an average life. For them, hobbies or dreams are inferior to other elements. Jobs are their tools to make money and support family. Sometimes, they have to do such unwilling things which companies and society need. As payment, they always obtain more wages than those. Even though they are richer, their working periods are full of responsibility instead of happiness.

So, taking all of above factors into account, choosing jobs rely on hobby is much more significant than others. To make a high working efficient, happiness is people's guide.

chengzaaaa · 发表于 2012-10-7 13:00:34

橙子改一二三10.6独立

一家之言一家之言，我肯定有说的不对的地方，再交流哦！

第一二三只 · 发表于 2012-10-7 17:23:58

你改的很好啊！！我都记下了！我也感觉这篇文章我写跑题了。。我以为是写happiness对job 和social life的影响。。刚反复看了题目之后才发现应该是说job 和social life 对happiness 的影响吧。

我还是要学语法还有地道表达。我的表达真的太不地道了。。。。

chengzaaaa · 发表于 2012-10-7 18:34:40

慢慢积累嘛！我也是，哎
我的第二段也有点儿跑题，social life和job的比重失调了，下午也请付图图帮忙改了一下儿，他说这种写两个比较影响的比较tricky，很容易跑题。
这个贴给你，看看能不能有什么帮助！

第一二三只 · 发表于 2012-10-8 01:13:42

帮助很大啊！每一次修改都是一次进步！超级谢谢你啊~~

文章的思路逻辑真的好重要啊！我又一次森森的赶脚到了自己的不足。。。努力改正！！加油！

chengzaaaa · 发表于 2012-10-8 13:05:13

有帮助就好！！加油加油！！！

第一二三只的作文帖~~求指导！！！

简单改了一下说得不对的话欢迎指出来见附件

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所属分类: TOEFL / IELTS

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第一二三只的作文帖~~求指导！！！

简单改了一下 说得不对的话欢迎指出来 见附件

本帖子中包含更多资源

本帖子中包含更多资源

本帖子中包含更多资源

所属分类: TOEFL / IELTS

正在浏览此版块的会员 ()

简单改了一下说得不对的话欢迎指出来见附件