ChaseDream
搜索
返回列表 发新帖
查看: 1452|回复: 2
打印 上一主题 下一主题

[作文互改] 第一篇ARGUMENT 求指教

[复制链接]
跳转到指定楼层
楼主
发表于 2012-9-17 20:28:51 | 只看该作者 回帖奖励 |倒序浏览 |阅读模式
题目:41The following appeared in a health newsletter. "A ten-year nationwide study of the effectiveness of wearing a helmet while bicycling indicates
that ten years ago, approximately 35 percent of all bicyclists reported wearing helmets, whereas today that number is nearly 80 percent.
Another study, however, suggests that during the same ten-year period, the number of bicycle-related accidents has increased 200 percent.
These results demonstrate that bicyclists feel safer because they are wearing helmets, and they take more risks as a result.
Thus, to reduce the number of serious injuries from bicycle accidents, the government should concentrate more on educating people about bicycle safety
and less on encouraging or requiring bicyclists to wear helmets."
Write a response in which you examine the stated and/or unstated assumptions of the argument.
Be sure to explain how the argument depends on these assumptions and what the implications are for the argument if the assumptions prove unwarranted.


我的内容:
        Ibelieve that it is safer that wearing a helmet while bicycling than not. Althoughfrom the ten-year nationwide study we can know the amount of the bicycle-relatedaccidents was increased, it could not indicate the problem is much moresevere than past. More and more people select to ride a bicycle to work orschool with the population augmented. Maybe the number of bicycle-relatedaccidents is relative to the quantity of bicycle. It will be more convictivethat the rate of bicycle-related accidents can be announced.

        Wecan`t conclude that the accidents is relative to whether wearing a helmet ornot from given materials. At first the conclusion that the bicyclistsfeel safer because they are wearing helmets is entirely groundless. The writernever give information demonstrate that the bicyclists who wearing a helmetwould feel safer. Perhaps we can infer it is possible that the bicyclistswearing a helmet would be more cautious than those not.

  Then from the essay we do not know how many persons wearing a helmet in thebicycle-related accidents, it could not prove that bicyclists wearing a helmet iseasier to have an accident if most of them do not wear a helmet in theaccidents.
        Manyfactors formed an accident, and the major of it is the quality of citizens. Aswe known sometimes people will go through the road when light red, and there isa serious issue is “overspeed” that has given rise to many people dead. So if thegovernment can reduce the number of serious injuries from bicycle accidents byeducating people to obey the traffic rules. Maybe it is more effective than themeasure the writer gived.
收藏收藏 收藏收藏
沙发
发表于 2012-9-17 22:25:19 | 只看该作者
that wearing a helmet while bicycling 这句既然是从句就应该有完整的主谓宾的
we can know the amount of the bicycle-relatedaccidents was increased, it could not indicate the problem is much moresevere than past这两个地方都要加宾语从句引导词that

建议LZ参看以下OG上的范文,结构和内容的组织安排,因为Argu每段都有自己对应的功能的,另外注意语法错误
板凳
发表于 2012-9-18 08:10:46 | 只看该作者
结构太乱,看看满分作文。刚开始练的时候可以从模仿开始,然后慢慢加入自己的东西。
您需要登录后才可以回帖 登录 | 立即注册

Mark一下! 看一下! 顶楼主! 感谢分享! 快速回复:

手机版|ChaseDream|GMT+8, 2025-7-4 14:37
京公网安备11010202008513号 京ICP证101109号 京ICP备12012021号

ChaseDream 论坛

© 2003-2025 ChaseDream.com. All Rights Reserved.

返回顶部