刚写第一篇作文，请把我批的体无完肤吧，谢谢！

就是写快乐工作重要还是高薪重要的这篇

It has been a controversial topic for a long time that which is more important, a happy job or high salary. Though some romantic people advocate that happy jobs are their pursuit, whereas I could hardly agree with them. On the basis of my experience and expertise, for most of us, a job with a decent salary can be well supported.

For one thing, when we become adults, no one will support us and I could say the only way we provide ourselves is to get a job, hence the main purpose aim of the work is to pursue a better life. The lowest happiness for many is having a lovely wife/husband, a house and a steady sum of money for kids' education. However, the basis of those things is money and how to make money? Of course, find a high salary job is indispensable. Like a famous story said, Chris Gardner, the hero of "Pursuit of Happyness" had a happy job at first, he and his wife was the sole agent of some medical radio machine of his city. After several months later, he could support his family because his machines were not as popular as he thought and he could not sell many machines. So his wife went away for a simple reason he could not afford his accommodation and his son's education. We can see the ending of a so called happy job without high salary it will not be happy any more.

For another, although the course of making money is really tough, when you come home see your honey wife/husband and children you will forget all of troubles of the work. The most important thing of life is happiness. After getting a considerable sum of money, we can have a trip of France in order to taste what is romantic. High salary means high challenge, I consider everyone should do one's utmost to challenge difficulties and have a spirit to pursue more success rather than committing to an easy job which is consider happy but not in the long run. Bill Gates would pretty easy if he was a student, however, he chose to quit Harvard and make a great challenge, which is a spirit.

In addition, when we become happy, we could donate our wealth to some people who need our help. We could not help others until we are happy now. So high salary can not only make ourselves happy after work but also let other people who need help. Of course, Bill Gates could not donate so many dollars if he did not found Microsoft.

Therefore, if I was the man facing two roads, I will choose the tough but with a high salary one couragely, because it is my responsibility to pursue of my happiness in the long run. 

得罪了.

感觉总体上逻辑性不是很强.建议在大结构和举例上再推敲一下.

下面是一些细节问题.

purpose aim 这两个词义重复了.

 Like a famous story said,应该是as.

so called---> so-called

would pretty easy 应该加be

when we become happy, we could donate our wealth to some people who need our help. 这个感觉没逻辑吧?开心和捐钱有什么关系?不开心的人也有很多捐款的.

but also let other people who need help?let他们干什么?后面少了东西吧.

祝考试顺利!

啥叫“for one thing....for another”? 好像很少看见人这样用啊。

逻辑不太清楚，不是一看就能明白。

It has been a controversial topic for a long time that which is more important, a happy job or high salary (unbalanced parallel. if the author wants to attract readers more, try this: which is more important, a happy job or a wellpaid job? it has been a controversial...., if the author just wants to keep its descriptive feature, try this: it has been controversial for a long time whether a person should choose a happy job or a wellpaid job.). Though some romantic people (?, optimistic people) advocate that happy jobs are their pursuit(s)that they pursue happy jobs, whereas (a repetition of though) I could hardly agree with them. On the basis of my experience and expertise, for most of us, a job with a decent salary can be well supported (a job supports you, or you support a job?).

For one thing, when we become adults, no one will support us and I could say the only way we provide ourselves is to get a job, hence the main purpose aim of the work is to pursue a better life(these are more like fragments. how about this: Firstly, people need to get jobs and support themselves after they become adults, hence the main purpose of work is to enable purchasing basic living necessaries).
  The lowest happiness (what?) for many is having a lovely wife/husband, a house and a steady sum of money for kids' education (). However, the basis of those things is money and how to make money? Of course, find a high salary job is indispensable.(this part is more fragmented) Like a famous story said, Chris Gardner, the hero of "Pursuit of Happyness" had a happy job at first, (in which) he and his wife was the sole agent of some medical radio machine of his city (I can't see the happy nature of this job). After several months later(X), he could support his family because his machines were not as popular as he thought and he could not sell many machines.(not support his family because the sales of the machine was far below his expectation) So his wife went away for a simple reason he(just because he) could not afford his accommodation and his son's education(unbalanced parallel, accommodation for himself and education for his son). We can see the ending of a so called happy job without high salary it will not be happy any more(too informal, obviously, a happy but underpaid job did not have a happy ending). (this is better since telling a story)

THose are just my two cents

 he and his wife was

he and his wife WAS???

 as popular as he thought

as popular as expectation

而且就象前面的朋友说的,逻辑性不好.看完后其实不知道究竟你的理由是什么呢?你的阐述也不清楚,我觉得缺少条理.而且在举例的过程中,显得语言前后很不清楚.

另外,用词上还要推敲,很多词一来不地道,二来缺少academic style,比如kid, I would say这种,口语是没问题,可是正式文体最好不要用.

另外,句子的表达上也有些问题,不是很流畅,缺乏逻辑是一个原因.另外,用你能把握的句子和结构,那些很奇怪的结构尽量避免.

It
has been a controversial topic for a long time that which is more
important, a happy job or high salary. Though some romantic people
advocate that happy jobs are their pursuit, whereas I could hardly
agree with them. On the basis of my experience and expertise, for most
of us, a job with a decent salary can be well supported.

For
one thing, when we become adults, no one will support us and I could
say the only way we provide ourselves is to get a job, hence the main
purpose aim of the work is to pursue a better life. The lowest
happiness for many is having a lovely wife/husband, a house and a
steady sum of money for kids' education. However, the basis of those
things is money and how to make money? Of course, find a high salary
job is indispensable. Like a famous story said, Chris Gardner, the hero
of "Pursuit of Happyness" had a happy job at first, he and his wife was
the sole agent of some medical radio machine of his city. After several
months later, he could support his family because his machines were not
as popular as he thought and he could not sell many machines. So his
wife went away for a simple reason he could not afford his
accommodation and his son's education. We can see the ending of a so
called happy job without high salary it will not be happy any more.

For
another, although the course of making money is really tough, when you
come home see your honey wife/husband and children you will forget all
of troubles of the work. The most important thing of life is happiness.
After getting a considerable sum of money, we can have a trip of France
in order to taste what is romantic. High salary means high challenge, I
consider everyone should do one's utmost to challenge difficulties and
have a spirit to pursue more success rather than committing to an easy
job which is consider happy but not in the long run. Bill Gates would
pretty easy if he was a student, however, he chose to quit Harvard and
make a great challenge, which is a spirit.

In
addition, when we become happy, we could donate our wealth to some
people who need our help. We could not help others until we are happy
now. So high salary can not only make ourselves happy after work but
also let other people who need help. Of course, Bill Gates could not
donate so many dollars if he did not found Microsoft.

Therefore,
if I was the man facing two roads, I will choose the tough but with a
high salary one couragely, because it is my responsibility to pursue of
my happiness in the long run.