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给改篇作文吧,快考试了,急死了,谢谢大家!

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楼主
发表于 2006-11-23 22:28:00 | 只看该作者

给改篇作文吧,快考试了,急死了,谢谢大家!

题目:Do you agree or disagree if people want to have a good future they should have a careful plan while they are still young.


This issue was usually talked by our parents when we were still children.From what we may see it is really an uncommom topic which cause most parents' concern. To give an accurate answer we may judge it from different aspacts.

For most people,the answer seems obvious, it is necessary for a child to have his/her own plan regarded to his/her future life.At least for me, it is a prerequisite to achieve success.As soon as one had a plan ,he will have an aim which could lead him step by step to realize it.Although sometimes it may lead your life into a boring program,nevertheless,it's better than no plan and trapped in to a mass. A persuasive example will be set here:an excellent student in my class had ever told me her secret to maintain outstanding is she always set herself a golf, everyday's hard working just to examine the consequence in this term.It's an ordinary mean,but could keep you at top all the time.A plan is extremly important,this principle has been accepted by plenty of people.

On the other hand ,every plan is a wonderful drawing which is magnificent each of us would like to achieve.This is ture, no doubt, but only a few people could do that . Human is a kind of animal  must be limited by a certain invisable frame , we call it a plan.One could do whatever he/her like ,this seems somewhat childish if you want to be a successful person. Some young people always go into raptures at the mere mention of the future life, unforturnately, only sleeping in bed ,chewing gum, fasinating with various net games can contribute you nothing to succeed.Success usually comes with pain hand in hand.

We can draw a plan easlily , however , we can not guarantee its completion.Life is varied, one never know what will happen tomorrow.What we can do is preparing sufficiently and welcome its coming.

沙发
发表于 2006-11-24 00:33:00 | 只看该作者
偶觉得concern用trigger concern比较好。cause有些别扭。accurate用在这里是不是太过了?答案不是唯一的,因此不可能像数字题一样精确。MM见笑啦,偶斗胆拍砖。
板凳
发表于 2006-11-24 00:36:00 | 只看该作者
偶觉得,既然第三段用on the other hand了,那么,第二段就用on the one hand吧?这样看起来整篇文章逻辑结构强点,粘合度也高点。有没有酱紫地感觉?或许是我语感有误。嘿嘿。
地板
 楼主| 发表于 2006-11-24 20:07:00 | 只看该作者
谢谢楼上的哈,你的建议很有用!
5#
发表于 2006-11-24 20:53:00 | 只看该作者
以下是引用cassie527在2006-11-24 20:07:00的发言:
谢谢楼上的哈,你的建议很有用!

不客气。

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