[求助]AI031，上班时写的，不太好，大家批判！

偶也来乱评一下。

31.   490

“Financial gain should be the most important factor in choosing a career.”

Discuss the extent to which you agree or disagree with the opinion stated above. Support your views with reasons and/or examples from your own experience, observations, or reading.

This statement holds the conclusion that financial gain should be the most important factor for one to choose a career. As far as I am concerned, I will admit that when one chooses a career, financial factor should be concerned, however, it is not the only factor and it is not the most important factor, other factors such as the opportunities of the career or one’s future development should be considered more significant.  

这句话好复杂。 时态还是一致地比较好。 我觉得写TS不一定非要说I怎样怎样，如果不是为了增加字数让句子不单薄的话，TS还是以说清楚为上策。

In the first place, I believe that financial gain is only a short-term factor to measure the success of a career choice. Moreover, when one only focuses on such a factor, this person will lose more benefit in the future. First of all, when people, who deem that financial gain is the most important, begins to choose a career, they will have less choice, because they will deny any jobs which offer low payment. However, such “low payment at first” jobs, will possibly not only bring them more opportunity and better development in the future but also provide them with more financial gain in the future. In addition, there is no absolute high financial gain, when people concentrate on this factor, they can not feel satisfied easily and may feel bad about their current jobs, an attitude that may destroy their futures.   142

主谓一致要小心啊 看得出lz希望多用连接信号词 不过第二句的那个moreover有点突兀 first还没展开呢就moreover了，有点晕

再就是写概括性的句子指代起来稍显麻烦， 可以举一个具体工作的例子。 不一定例子就只有带人名地名的，把such a job换成teaching我觉得也是可以的。

On the second hand,和in the first place好像不大对称。 可以考虑写完后不看内容只看结构，想象一下如果自己是阅卷者扫一眼文章会不会觉得不通顺，这样连接词就容易理顺了。 there are many factors other than financial opportunities such as training opportunities, working circumstances and working pressures, which I consider are 可去掉 more important than financial gain. When people can get many training during a job, they will be more likely to 少动词 accustomed to various situations in the future and develop better. When people work in a fine office and in a friendly atmosphere, they are also more likely to be more efficient in work and win themselves better future 少连词even better financial gains. What’s more, when people do not have much pressure from work, they are more likely to own more 有重复之嫌 个人观点：偶不喜欢在没有比较对象的情况下总是用more 因为说不清than who? time to have a rest and to arrange their life more freely, thus, 好像可以另起一句了 they will like their jobs and try their best to do the jobs well. Therefore, financial gain is certainly not the most important factor in choosing a job.   146

Last but not the least, I agree that financial gain indeed is a factor that people should consider in choosing a job, because financial independence is a promise for people’s freedom in other aspects and is the base for people’s lives. However, it is only a factor and can not and should not become the vital factor because emphasizing it while ignoring other factors will bring more negative effects.   69

In conclusion, on the one hand, financial gain is only a short-term factor to measure a job, a factor that can not bring people much benefit. On the other hand, other factors are more important than it to influence people’s future development. It is not sagacious for people to choose a career only by consider the financial gain from it.  60