Tanya‘s essays

lihaolan · 发表于 2013-2-5 00:13:58

Personally, I would like to start working on writing right away in face of an important presentation. I have got solid reasons to account for my choice because I used to be a procrastinator who always waits until the last minute to finish the tasks with the lack of inspiration as an excuse. Then I have changed my behavior and benefited a lot from the immediate action.（用when的状语从句可能更能体现因果关系。）

First of all, a good idea will never occur to you unless you look for it initially. When I prepared for an important presentation before, I always got the ridiculous illusion that I could be inspired by chance. However, it turns out that I just forget the presentation as time goes by. Whereas, by starting work right away, I can obtain wonderful inspirations from the related materials I research, which contributes…（可以适当加上inspiration对你presentation的作用）even though I may have no idea at the beginning of preparation.

In the second place, immediate working makes it possible for me to gain enough time for an important presentation. Previously, I mistakenly believed that a month was too long for me to finish writing. However once I started working, I realized that there was more preparation(这个词用的我觉得不是很适合或者可以改成 it is far more time-consuming) to do than I had expected. Besides, a satisfactory writing should be revised several times, whether by yourself or by others. For example, I may have finished my first draft at the first week, but I need to review it every three days to（in order to可能看起来更明确点） perfectly finalize my writing. If you are seeking for advice from friends or teachers, you have got more reasons to finish the work in advance.

Last but not least, immediate action can relieve my pressure to make a presentation. If I have finished the preparation early, I will be more confident about my performance and get rid of anxiety. Also, finishing writing in time enables me to deal with some unexpected emergencies calmly and spare time for other preparation work such as designing PPT and reciting.（最后可以充实下字数，with the deliberate and sufficient preparation，I believe my presentation will 。。。）

All in all, starting working right away is always my preference for an important presentation after I have failed so many times to make an excellent one as a procrastinator. At present, I am aware that working instead of waiting is undoubtedly the exact approach to inspiration and success.

没有语法错误，字数可能有些地方可以用从句多丰富下，用词很到位，也很精确！有些地方表达方式可以更加多样。这是我第一次改==。没有经验多包涵！！

renehan · 发表于 2013-2-7 07:35:48

2.4 Integrated Writing
TPO 12
The passage presents three evidences // EVIDENCE/ three pieces of evidence [这里证据一词是不可数名词，改正: 去掉-s复数结尾, 或者可以加其它数词修饰] to illustrate // to illustratethat/why the teenage girl, in a portrait for sale, was Jane Austen. [你这里是把illustrate 和as连在一起用吗？如果是想这么用, 我查了词典，没有找到这个用法。如果as 只是作为一个插入短语，那illustrate 这个动词后面接的宾语在表述上有些混乱，建议不要一句话写太长，可以多用复合用，或者直接拆分成若干小句子] a painting for sale as the portrait of Jan Austen when she was ateenager. However, the professor regards these evidences // [同错误1, 建议: thesepieces of evidence / such evidence / all the evidence ] in the passageunconvincing and refutes them word by word. [point by point 会不会更好一些？]

First of all, although in 1882 Austen's family offered a portrait of Jane, it // [指代画作的话，前句最好把画作当主语: although in 1882, a portrait offered by Austen’s family wasbelieved to be Jane Austen herself, ] occured// [was finished/painted] nearly seventy years after Jane's death, [just]as the professor points out. 前后句之间可以有些递进的副词或者短语[More important], At that time, none of the familymembers actually saw Jane by themselves and thus the painting they offeredcannot be assured as a portrait of Jane Austen.

Second, despite of the statement // [这个用的挺好的，我就不是很会用这个词，向你学习了。但是有个小细节，你可能记混了： despite vs. in spite of] in the passage that the face in theportrait resembles the one in Cassandra's sketch, the professor claims thatJane Austen was in an extended family, and it was no wonder that other girlsmight look like Jane. In fact, some researchers suggest that the woman in theportrait is a distant niece of Jane Austen.

Last, it is true that the painting possesses a style of Ozias Humphrey, which is // a link showed as [which, 如果放在句尾，要么修饰之前紧接的名词，要么修饰前面的一句话。这里好像都不太合适，可以换成其它形式，如独立主格，或者名词/动名词短语。但是我这里改的也不对, 我一时也想不出其它的改法,mm看到后，我们可以再一起讨论下]one of the evidences in passage. However, the canvas of the portrait contradicts with the reading's view. because ~~it was found that~~ [不用再加it is… that句型在这里] this kind of canvas came froma man named William who only started selling canvas when Jane Austen was 27years old, while [连词重复了，一个句子里，有一个就好。另，可以通过标点符号把长句子拆分一下。] the painting shows a teenager girl.
首先向mm道歉，我刚开始对日期的记忆有点混乱，没有及时给mm修改。
这是我第一篇交和改的综合写作，可能对思路和套数理解的不周全。如果有不好的地方，希望我们可以互相帮助，一起改正。
整篇读下来的感觉，mm的思路挺顺的，在长短句的应用上，可以再改进一些。

Tanya‘s essays

2.4 独立写作

所属分类: TOEFL / IELTS

正在浏览此版块的会员 ()

浏览过的版块