【写作小分队】鸟儿Cjoy的作文贴~~To be more logical~~~

Crystaljoy

这篇模考时候写的开头结尾太平淡，很八股。后来又修改了，看会不会好一点了？

5月8日11.9.16 NA Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? Children should choose the same career as their parents. Use specific examples to support your answer.

“Shall I take listen to my mother to be a professional doctor?”, “Would it be a better choice to be an account as my father, which seems a really decent job with high salary.” These are questions usually linger in a child’s mind, especially when it is upon graduation. In my opinion, however, in order to achieve a brilliant and successful career, children should lay emphasis on their true interest and skill, together with the needs of society, rather than copy their parents’ path.


Initially, only the intense interest from the bottom of our heart plus with the professional skill that set ourselves on the right path toward final success. As the saying by Steve Jobs goes, our life is too short to live others' dreams, that is to say, to do something we don't really like. For instance, you cannot imagine what a great loss to the whole world if Bill Gates had never being excused from math major for his passion in computer programming. Thanks to his parents’ non-interference, the world gets a magic invention, Microsoft. Same deal, it’s foolish for me to apply for an accountant career the same as my father when I have never taken courses related with accounting in my university. Thus both personal interest and skill count, and we children can and must have a say  in seeking our career.


Besides following one's heart, meeting the need of the society is also among our top concerns. Take the IT industry for an example, it was born at the mid of the 1900s, develop at an amazingly fast speed now, and enjoys a bright future. Accordingly, such new emerging industries generate great demands for talents who will have more handsome salary, productive achievement, as well as promising career prospects. Undoubtly, students also have to share the responsibility to make contribution the society we live in. Say students living in metropolis like Bejing or Shanghai should have the unique experience in some rural villages in the poverty-stricken area in the western part of China, especially for those who never leave home.


It's true that parents, by nature, are the ones who most concern about the future of their beloved children, so they may spare no effort to provide a comparably short cut to the success for their children. But no one can ensure the children’s success in the long run if the career is not in accordance with their inner interest, professional skill, or the demand of the society.


Lots of factors deserve our through consideration in seeking career. In sum, if parents want all the best for their children, they should help children figure out the most suitable career concerning the fit of children’s interest and skill, and the need of society, rather than follow the parents’ path blindly.

Crystaljoy

5月8日 TPO9

The lecturer is in disagreement with the statements in the reading concerning various merits the fuel-cell engines have over the internal-combustion engines. And she is of the view that hydrogen-based fuel is far from perfect to be taken as the ultimate solution to auto's power source problem, although oil is not environmentally friendly too.


To begin with, the professor deems that hydrogen is not as easily available as the author indicates. Lots of hydrogen, virtually, come from water in pure liquid state in harsh environment, say , minus 200 centigrade degree, thus is extremely difficult to produce and store. However, according to the reading, hydrogen can be easily obtained from various resources such as natural gas and water.


Then the lecturer continues to cast doubt on the pollution issue by reminding us that the purification process of the hydrogen demands for energy obtained from burning coal and oil, an activity that causes even more pollutants to the environment. This point makes it less convincing to say that water, the only byproduct of fuel-cell engines, poses no threat to the environment, as presented in the reading.


In addition, whether the fuel-cell engines are economically competitive is still open to discuss, the professor claims. As a kind of rare and expensive material is indispensable in the hydrogen manufacturing process, or the chemical reaction to generate electricity does not work at all. This is in discordance with the statements in the reading that fuel-cell powered cars are cost-saving for its high efficiency in consuming energies.


In conclusion, the professor challenges the advantages named by the author concerning the fuel-cell engine by citing evidences from three aspects.

探险者

5月8日11.9.16 NA Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? Children should choose the same career as their parents. Use specific examples to support your answer.
高亮精彩，红色为个人修改意见

“Shall I take listen to（个人觉得这里是不是应当是take a listen to） my mother to be a professional doctor?”, “Would it be a better choice to be an account as my father, which seems a really decent job with high salary.” These are questions usually linger in a child’s mind, especially when it is upon graduation. In my opinion, however, in order to achieve a brilliant and successful career, children should lay emphasis on their true interest and skill, together with the needs of society, rather than copy their parents’ path.(引入开头的方法很好，很有效的引出了自己的观点)

Initially, only the intense interest from the bottom of our heart plus with the professional skill that set ourselves on the right path toward final success.（觉得这一句太长了，尤其是主语部分。建议修改一下。我自己写的：Initially, to set ourselves on the right path toward final success, the intense interest from the bottom of our heart should closely combined with the professional skill.） As the saying by Steve Jobs goes, our life is too short to live others' dreams, that is to say, to do something we don't really like. For instance, you cannot imagine what a great loss to the whole world if Bill Gates had never being excused from math major for his passion in computer programming. Thanks to his parents’ non-interference, the world gets（witnesses，改用“目睹”） a magic invention, Microsoft. Same deal, it’s foolish for me to apply for an accountant career the same as my father when I have never taken courses related with accounting in my university. Thus both personal interest and skill count, and we children can and must have a say in seeking our career.

Besides following one's heart, meeting the need of the society is also among our top concerns. Take the IT industry for an example, it was born at the mid of the 1900s, develop at an amazingly fast speed now, and enjoys a bright future.（很棒的举例） Accordingly, such new emerging industries generate great demands for talents who will have more handsome salary, productive achievement, as well as promising career prospects. Undoubtly（Undoubtedly）, students also have to share the responsibility to make contribution the society we live in. Say students living In metropolis like Bejing（Beijing） or Shanghai should have the unique experience in some rural villages in the poverty-stricken area in the western part of China, especially for those who never leave home. （建议在最后一句再补充一些关于为什么要积累这类经验，为什么社会需要。可以适当减少前面关于IT科技发展导致高收入的内容，合并在一句话当中）

It's true that parents, by nature, are the ones who most concern about the future of their beloved children, so they may spare no effort to provide a comparably short cut to the success for their children. But no one can ensure the children’s success in the long run if the career is not in accordance with their inner interest, professional skill, or the demand of the society.

Lots of factors deserve our through（thorough） consideration in seeking career. In sum, if parents want all the best for their children, they should help children figure out the most suitable career concerning the fit of children’s interest and skill, and the need of society, rather than follow the parents’ path blindly.

总体评价：鸟MM的用词和句子很棒啊！文章读起来很舒服的说。

和我自己的文章有一点类似，不好的地方，就是有些句子太长了，尤其是主语的部分。建议精简或者改变句型，这对读者来说不好理解。

关于社会需要的一段，可以深入说一些关于社会需要的内容，其他的尽量简单。这样可以更贴近主题。

与君共勉，加油

sang824

鸟版版想问问你 如果题目是以your问的，写的时候以大众现象为基础,就是用people,one一类而不是I为中心写算不算偏题叻？
比如说13号的Do you agree or disagree with the following statement?Your job has more effect on your happiness than your social life. 我写普遍社会现象论证可以么？
Many thanks

超级无敌小鹤鹤

鸟版版想问问你 如果题目是以your问的，写的时候以大众现象为基础,就是用people,one一类而不是I为中心写算不算偏题叻？
比如说13号的Do you agree or disagree with the following statement?Your job has more effect on your happiness than your social life. 我写普遍社会现象论证可以么？
Many thanks

-- by 会员 sang824 (2012/5/14 12:45:16)

一般没什么关系的~~

Crystaljoy

鸟版版想问问你 如果题目是以your问的，写的时候以大众现象为基础,就是用people,one一类而不是I为中心写算不算偏题叻？
比如说13号的Do you agree or disagree with the following statement?Your job has more effect on your happiness than your social life. 我写普遍社会现象论证可以么？
Many thanks

-- by 会员 sang824 (2012/5/14 12:45:16)

一般没什么关系的~~

-- by 会员 超级无敌小鹤鹤 (2012/5/14 13:27:25)

同意鹤鹤~哈哈

miss绿光

好久没来了,怕大家忘了我.来给鸟妈改改作文.因为自己今天又没时间写了...

11.9.16 NA Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? Children should choose the same career as their parents. Use specific examples to support your answer.

“Shall I take listen to my mother to be a professional doctor?”, “Would it be a better choice to be an account as my father, which seems a really decent job with high salary.” These are questions usually linger in a child’s mind, especially when it is upon graduation. In my opinion, however, in order to achieve a brilliant and successful career, children should lay emphasis on their true interest and skill, together with the needs of society, rather than copy their parents’ path.


Initially, only the intense interest from the bottom of our heart plus with the professional skill that 可以去掉?我差点以为是先行词结果发现木有谓语了 set ourselves on the right path toward final success. As the saying by Steve Jobs goes, our life is too short to live others' dreams, that is to say, to do something we don't really like. For instance, you cannot imagine what a great loss to the whole world if Bill Gates had never being [been?] excused from math major for his passion in computer programming. Thanks to his parents’ non-interference, the world gets a magic invention 有种怪怪的感觉...总是觉得obtains好些..也不知道区别在哪里..., Microsoft. Same deal, it’s foolish for me to apply for an accountant career the same as my father when I have never taken courses related with accounting in my university. Thus both personal interest and skill count, and we children can and must have a say  in seeking our career.

Besides following one's heart, meeting the need of the  society is also among our top concerns. Take the IT industry for an example, it was born at the mid of the 1900s, develop at an amazingly fast speed now, and enjoys a bright future.[有点怪.take...for an example已经是主谓结构了,后面再加主谓是run-on吧.可以改为: IT industry which was born at the middle of the 1990s, for instance, develop ......]Accordingly, such new emerging industries generate great demands for talents who will have more handsome salary, productive achievement, as well as promising career prospects. Undoubtly[undoubtfully], students also have to share the responsibility to make contribution the society we live in. Say students living in metropolis like Bejing or Shanghai should have the unique experience in some rural villages in the poverty-stricken area in the western part of China, especially for those who never leave home.


It's true that parents, by nature, are the ones who most concern about the future of their beloved children, so they may spare no effort to provide a comparably short cut to the success for their children. But no one can ensure the children’s success in the long run if the career is not in accordance with[总是觉得这个用 not related to更加make sense一些] their inner interest, professional skill, or the demand of the society和前面的论点呼应了下,赞~.


Lots of factors deserve our through consideration in seeking career. In sum, if parents want all the best for their children, they[这里是parents] should help children figure out the most suitable career concerning the fit of children’s interest and skill, and the need of society, rather than follow the parents’ path blindly[主语谓语不match,改为: require their children to follow their path blindly].
啥也不说了,看鸟妈的作文就是享受!要是我是评卷人我也喜欢:观点明确,语言简洁!

PS:刚想起来我是用了只看LZ功能~于是就没有看给鸟妈改的人的修改~Anyway,就留下我的足迹,证明我来过我深爱的鸟妈这里.......