Emily的作文楼

loverony713

10-2

the rules that the whole societies today except to young people to follow and obey are too strict.  

这里有个except to 是对年轻人的rules 还是除了对年轻人的rules？... 忽然有一丝迷糊

daisy333

改好啦~~

ForTheAC

loverony713 发表于 2014-10-2 21:20
10-2
the rules that the whole societies today except to young people to follow and obey are too str ...

改晚了不好意思= =

Nowadays young people are shouldering increasing pressure since the society has（is） putting more expectation on them. There is a hotspot issue concerning whether the rules currently are too strict for youngsters. From my perspective, the rules enforced to nowadays young people are undoubtedly too strict and I am about to edit the detailed reasons to support my point of view as following.

To begin with, consider educational field. （formal english用祈使句是不是不太合适）There is no denying that our teachers, parents and the whole society are expecting young people, as me, to get decent scores and performance in academic subjects and future careers. Furthermore, not only are we supposed to learn a second language in schools, but also forced to study abroad for more distinctive diplomas. For example, when I entered the senior high school for the first day, I was told to spare no effort preparing（to prepare） the College Entrance Examination no matter I am fond of doing it or not. However, I was keen on dancing and I intended to participate in some dancing clubs during the weekend. Although my parents did not evidently oppose for my hobby, they arranged several classes for the sake of improving my academic scores. As a result, you know, most of my recreational time was deprived and I was obliged to do things which I was reluctant to do. Millions of students in this societies（society） are like me , which guides in to an easy conclusion that the expectation for the society concerning education are putting more pressure and rigid roles on young people.  

What’s more, consider career choice. A statics shows the conventional expectation: in a survey covering more than 30,000 of the Chinese citizens about the job choice, more than 87.5% agreed that the stable job is the most suitable job. In addition, even more than 70% argued a job with high salaries is also considered to be an appealing choice. As far as I am concerned, however, it is ridiculous for a large amount people to hold the opinion that careers concerning art and music（music就不是art了？不应该并列） are not practical. The job we choose must reflect our own interests and no one can deprive the right to make our own decisions.  However, sometimes we have no choice to pursue our own dreams since we have to cater parents and society’s expectation. The freedom for young people has been expropriated, which I have to say, is one of the phenomenon that the rules are too strict for young people. （这句从句这么长但没啥信息量）

At last, consider some social norms. Some instinct（instinctive） concepts are definitely constraining teenagers’ development.（啥叫本能概念会限制年轻人发展？conservative？） For instance, university students are supposed to study in the school rather than travelling around the world; young people should deposit the money they earned rather than investing it to（in） more risky areas; the definition of success is obtaining a decent job; what’s more, female young people should better get marriage at certain age, etc. We cannot turn a blind eye to those concepts, traditional rules, restricting young people’s development.
这段后面那部分还挺有气势的
In conclusion, the rules in societies today are too rigid for young people.

遣词造句很赞，帮我复习了好多表达。
文章结构也没啥问题，论证方式多样也比较有说服力。
唯一有疑问的就是我感觉社会的老观念和前面从教育，职业规划的论述就不是并列关系啊，教育，职业规划的束缚不就是社会成见导致的么？
虽说我题目理解错了- -但也帮我看一下呗

loverony713

daisy333 发表于 2014-10-2 23:15
改好啦~~

谢谢！！！！！建议十分好 有一块确实论述的不好。

loverony713

10-3 请严肃看我的对比论证 求狠批
Which way do you think is the best way for a studentto make new friends?

a. Joining a sports team,

b. Participating in community activities

c. Traveling.

Friend provide the support and backbone that everyone needs to feel accomplished, happy, and loved in life. Thus, Friends are of great necessity in our life. Compared with taking part in community activities and joining a sports team, travelling, from my perspective, is the optimal approach to make new friends.

Initially, traveling provides us a chance to communicate with others in a relaxing and casual atmosphere. When traveling, we are definitely exposed to a completely exotic environment and situation---the new language, the delicious food in a way so different from places we are living and working. We would be more likely to be thoroughly obsessed with every fresh thing around and we cannot stop sharing the feeling with each other; consequently, all the burden and exhaust are completely threw away during the journey. Last year I went to Japan with a group including various international students. Since we had different language, sometimes we are obliged to use body language to communicate, and some companions’ body gestures were so amusing that everyone laughed with tears! Also, I shared the picture taken from JiuZhaiGou, the paradise in China, to a French girl and the splendid scenery aroused her interest greatly, and soon we were acquainted with each other and exchanged Ins ID subsequently. Then she showed me a photo of her hometown---a creek twining the vast green field just like the blue color satin ribbon, color harmonious hut, a school of beautiful moving rural scenery---which made me long for France immediately. We reached the resonance that beauty had no international boundaries. However, without doubt, atmosphere is often tense and nervous in a sport team due to the goal of winning. Also, at times people would feel bored and reluctant when taking part in a community activity they do not like.

On the contrary, joining a sports team and doing community services, I have to say, are not the best methods to make new friends. It is common that we have chances to make friends while playing basketball, but we would not contact them after doing sports. We merely share the cool feeling when playing on the ground. Tremendous students in my college reckon that they can make new friends, but not true friends, while doing sports. hus the friendship would not be eternal and that would be meaningless. In addition, participating in community activities seems not feasible as well, for the simple reason that nowadays we are living in the apartment and we lack opportunities to take part in community activities. As a result, the access of making new friends is limited. From a more practical perspective, traveling is a more convenient approach to meet people of diverse background and they can obviously add color to the dull routine of every day’s life.

ForTheAC

loverony713 发表于 2014-10-4 20:07
10-3 请严肃看我的对比论证 求狠批
Which way do you think is the best way for a studentto  ...

Friends provide the support and backbone（这俩不是一个东西么） that everyone needs to feel accomplished, happy, and loved in life. Thus, Friends are of great necessity in our life. Compared with taking part in community activities and joining a sports team, travelling, from my perspective, is the optimal approach to make（making） new friends.

Initially, traveling provides us a chance to communicate with others in a relaxing and casual atmosphere. When traveling, we are definitely exposed to a completely exotic environment and situation---the new language, the delicious food in a way so different from places where we are living and working. We would be more likely to be thoroughly obsessed with every fresh thing around us and we cannot stop sharing the feeling with each other; consequently, all the burden and exhaust are completely threw（thrown） away during the journey. Last year I went to Japan with a group including various international students. Since we had different languages, sometimes we are obliged to use body language to communicate, and some companions’ body gestures（gesture就是body movement没必要再加body） were so amusing that everyone laughed with tears!（...我第一次看到有人在作文里用感叹号） Also, I shared the picture taken from JiuZhaiGou, the paradise in China, to a French girl and the splendid scenery aroused her interest greatly, and soon we were acquainted with each other and exchanged Ins ID（这是个啥？？） subsequently. Then she showed me a photo of her hometown---a creek twining the vast green field just like the blue color satin ribbon, color harmonious （确定有这个用法？） hut, a school of beautiful moving rural scenery---which made me long for France immediately. （这句太赞！YY能力是有多强。。）We reached the resonance that beauty had no international boundaries. However, without doubt, atmosphere is often tense and nervous in a sport team due to the goal of winning. Also, at times people would feel bored and reluctant when taking part in a community activity they do not like.

On the contrary, joining a sports team and doing community services, I have to say, are not the best methods to make new friends. It is common that we have chances to make friends while playing basketball, but we would not contact them after doing sports.（这不common，你想这么说就得拿出栗子，也得说一说旅游在这方面的优势） We merely share the cool feeling（想表达什么） when playing on the ground. Tremendous students in my college reckon that they can make new friends, but not true friends, while doing sports. Thus the friendship would not be eternal and that would be meaningless. In addition, participating in community activities seems not feasible as well, for the simple reason that nowadays we are living in the apartment and we lack opportunities to take part in community activities.（这是什么逻辑住在公寓就不能参加社区活动了？？） As a result, the access of making new friends is limited.（这个表达不是很好） From a more practical perspective, traveling is a more convenient approach to meeting people of diverse background and they can obviously add color to the dull routine of every day’s life.
既然你是正反对比，反面就得有理有据啊，不是学生说一句话就足以支持这个论点。社区活动就压根什么栗子都没有，怎么支持这个缺点，其实缺点是啥我也没太看明白。
你不觉得随便举两个事例会更清楚。xxx抱着结交朋友的心理去参加xx队，一开始和队友玩的挺欢的，但是赛季过了大家很少有机会在一起，也相互之间也很少主动交流，因此感情变冷淡了，xxx很失望，但是旅游就不一样啦，我和在旅游时结识的朋友经常互相分享新的照片，推荐新景点，感情一天比一天好。然后再说一下自己住的公寓楼是多么的封闭，空间狭小，社区里的大叔大妈平时都忙着自己的工作，既没时间也没空间，社区活动的机会实在太少了，根本没法指望这个来结交朋友，旅游这个时候优势又体现出来了，说走就走，没人能绑着我不让我出去玩吧。

loverony713

ForTheAC 发表于 2014-10-5 12:12
Friends provide the support and backbone（这俩不是一个东西么） that everyone needs to feel accompli ...

十分感谢 哎按照这么写又得好几百字儿出去了

loverony713

10-4
Students should take at least one year off to work or travel after high school before they go to study at a university.
有的地方有点空 所以求批评 哈哈~~~

Studying at universities, a new chapter of life, is the dream of all high school students. Should they do something else, such as a year off working or travelling, prior to their entering universities? From my perspective, it is of great necessity for students to take a gap year before experiencing the life in universities.

Initially, students can better understand themselves and locate their interests during the gap year. High school students follow their intense high school schedules so much that they not only need to excel at their academic work, but are also required to fulfill other talent training courses such as piano or dancing classes. They simply just do what they are told and have little chance to specify something they really like. By taking a long time out or traveling, they can know themselves better and this facilitates their future career.  By working in diverse circumstances, students can have practical feeling of dealing with various jobs, and they can find the most appropriate one, which could add color to the dull routine of everyday life. Last summer I have been recruited as a salesperson of P&G, but I found that job really required people who were outgoing and extroverted; consequently, as an introverted and a shy girl, I would not choose that kinds of job as my future career. In addition, by travelling abroad, students can better locate what they really like and what they can really do for the future. If they are given an opportunity to engage in some meditation and social practices, they are likely to discover the true callings.  

Secondly, taking a gap year provides students a great chance of refreshing the mind and recharging the battery before entering universities. The education in high schools is intense and more exam-oriented. Immersing themselves in the sea of various subjects, high school students are always exhausted and cram themselves with all fundamental courses, such as math, chemistry, and history. In other words, hardly can they have a break in the daily life. Thus, if students can take a year off doing something different, they can really have a rest and enjoy the beauty of life. For instance, after graduating from high school, I worked in Star barks, learning how to make delicious cookies and tasty coffee, which were my dreams in childhood. This job not only offered me an opportunity to refresh my mind, but also provided me with a close contact with different people, cultures, and skills. After that short experience, which made me threw away all the burden completely, I totally relaxed myself and got a delightful mood to have a new life in college.

Admittedly, taking a year to work or travel may be detrimental. For instance, some high school students, being such a young age, may focus much on things that are fun and interesting. They might end up learning nothing. However, if parents can help children make a schedule, students could also obtain the benefits ultimately. Time can be arranged more properly and efficiently.

In conclusion, taking a gap year is beneficial for high school students, and the life will be more meaningful and colorful.

loverony713

10-5
People who have developed many different kinds of skills are more successful than people who focus on ony one skill.

loverony713

10-7
your job has more effect on your happiness than your social life does