M酱的作文帖 {8.27已更新} 让砖块来的更猛烈些！！

倾海比目鱼

People tend to weigh the benefits between preparing the presentation early（不是提前一个月准备吗？） and preparing it until when we have ideas. There are a thousand Hamlets in a thousand people's eyes. Some people claim that preparing presentations until when we have ideas is the most efficient way to utilize our time . Others hold a view that we can prepare better over a longer time. I definitely agree with the former.

Admittedly,（一直想换了这个词，还没找到替代词） there is an adage that says, “No great thing is created suddenly,” the implication being（第一次见到这种用法，being可以直接加THAT吗） that the earlier you begin to prepare, the better results will turn out to be. Suppose you do not review your textbooks until the night before final examinations. It is impossible for you to get a good grade. Moreover, presentations are usually teamwork. Finishing your part in the presentation as soon as possible will quicken the team’s steps, contributing to the success of the presentation.

Although we may not prepare well if we set about presentations late, playing spot（“临场发挥”不知道要如何翻译） can come with remarkable performance. For instance, Gettysburg Address is universally acknowledged. However,such a famous address was prepared in limited time and （可以去掉吗？）lasted only for two or three minutes. In just over two minutes, Lincoln reiterated the principles of human equality espoused by the Declaration of Independence and proclaimed the Civil War as a struggle for the preservation of the Union sundered by thesecession crisis. Lincoln also redefined the Civil War as a struggle not just for the Union, but also for the principle of human equality. This address makes a deep influence on the following political lecturers.Therefore,It is not difficult to conclude that preparing the presentations until we have ideas makes us perform better.

Further, the efficiency is ascending near the deadline. Considering the limited time, it is indispensable for us to balance between efficiency and quality. Take me as an example. In every semester, I have to participate in different activities held by a non-government organization called ENACTUS and in presentation competitions. Also, I need to prepare the TOEFL examination and final exams. If I prepare them at the same time, failing all these tasks is of high possibility. So I give priority to the one of which deadline tends to expire. Then I will move on after finishing one task. Thanks to this work style, I can deal with multi-tasks.

Preparing the presentation until we have ideas can not only make us perform better but also save a lot of time. For those reasons discussed above, we can safely make a conclusion that it is better for us to prepare the presentation until we have ideas than to prepare it early.
句式很好很高级 好好膜拜下。但论据感觉有点牵强。请帮我修改下吧

laneesherry

昨天太忙结果居然差点忘记。。。



Parents tend to weigh the benefits between playing games with children and helping them do homework. On one hand, they understand the children’s tiredness after studying for several hours in school. On the other hand, they arrange more assignments to children at home. To cultivate a well-rounded child, I do not agree with parents on this issue. （开篇比之前简洁了很多）

Admittedly, it seems reasonable for parents to help students do homework after school. There is an adage that says, “Knowledge is power,” the implication being that the more knowledge you grasp, the more successful you will be. Given the fierce competition, it is not surprising that students increasingly study hard. Employers tend to attach importance to knowledge. If you had an interview with the manager, he or she would probably ask you some questions about specialized knowledge. Also, Chinese education is test-oriented education. Examinations accompany you from primary school to university. Once failing an important examination such as College Entrance Examination, you need to prepare this examination for one more year without doubt.（让步段这样调整之后很出色！）

However, the most effective parenting is to cultivate children as doers rather than to bury them in the homework. Only parents give more room for children, can they promote children’s physical, mental and emotional development. Take me as an example. My mother helped me do assignments day and night in summer holidays. Although preparing the knowledge that will be taught in the next semester lays a solid foundation for my specialized knowledge, I lost a bunch of great internships, which will definitely enrich my experience. As an accounting student, I should give the priority to practice rather than knowledge. （如果一定要在这里用这个分论点的话建议将本段的表述再和文章中心靠近一点，比如说“陪孩子玩游戏更有利于让他们成为真正的实干家”，另外就是建议在例子的后面加上几句深化主题的话）

Further, playing games and doing physical exercise with children strengthen the family bonds. Nowadays, some children do not like to talk with parents. There is a huge gap between two generations. It is not uncommon that most parents have nothing in common with their children. Nonetheless, parents can improve interactivity with children in some gateways such as doing physical exercises with them. For children, they can relax themselves by doing physical exercise, which both stretches bodies and builds muscles. For parents, it is an effective way to communicate with children. As for me, the memories about riding bikes to the park with my father are the most precious at the bottom of my heart. In a nutshell, playing games and doing physical exercises with children can benefit both children and parents.（本段的例证还是显得稍弱，建议详细到具体到一个家庭，通过怎样的家庭活动使得家庭关系更和睦。“老外喜欢详细”← 老师说的 ）

What needs to be clarified is that students should not be treated as passive receptacles of predigested ideas. Extracurricular activities are indispensable for children and parents should not deprive them of such rights. Considering those reasons discussed above, we can safely make a conclusion that parents should not bury their children in the homework but play games and do physical exercises with them. （最后一段也好了很多~）

修改之后的作文整体看起来好了很多，请继续加油~

Mint静默

倾海比目鱼 发表于 2013-8-24 23:36
People tend to weigh the benefits between preparing the presentation early（不是提前一个月准备吗？） ...

童鞋的意见能不能再详细一点啊~~
比如我提出的疑问你还是没有回答。。。直接无视掉了。
论据牵强是指哪一段呢？
“可以去掉吗”是在说什么可以去掉？

p.s.  the implication being that 这个句子我从慎小嶷那引用的，应该是正确的。

Mint静默

laneesherry 发表于 2013-8-25 03:10
昨天太忙结果居然差点忘记。。。

thx~！！
我继续修改下！
对了，今天的作文可能下午才能出炉了

Mint静默

laneesherry 发表于 2013-8-25 03:10
昨天太忙结果居然差点忘记。。。

824
同不同意，社會制定了太多規矩給年輕人
Do you agree or disagree that the rules in societies today are too strict foryoung people.  

万事开头难，每次想个开头就要好久！呜呜呜，怎么破。。实在不想写nowadays, blablabla. A hot topic blablabla这种烂大街的开头了。

【400+words】
It is undeniable that nowadays young people are required in many aspects. For students, they should hand in homework on time and respect teachers. For working people, if they make mistakes such as being late on companies, their salaries will be cut down. However, compared with the rules in the old days, the rules today are not strict for young people.   

First of all, young people, especially women, in old days have been deprived of many rights. It is not uncommon that women had no chance for further education. They were not allowed to vote, own property, or even smoke. Employers gave priority to hire men rather than women. Women were merely deemed as people who gave birth to babies. So in the past centuries, there were a lot of feminism revolutions to strive for the equality between men and women. Moreover, historically Chinese girls must experience foot-binding, which was painful and did harm to their bones. When they were about fourteen years old, these little girls would be married to adult men. It  is rare in modern society for a teenager girl to marry an adult man. In a nutshell, the rules in the old days are much stricter than those in modern society.

Second, young people’s culture is acceptable at some extent now, allowing the emergence of novelty such as internet language. Internet language appears at every corner of our lives. When you open a piece of newspaper, it is not surprising to see some internet language on it. However, in the old days, young men were required to use traditional characters to express their feelings. It is a pity that the creativity has been stifled in the past.

Last but not least, there are more ways provided in modern society to pursue success. In the past, people were supposed to finish their degrees if they wanted to be experts in certain area. But now, some young people who dropped out from school also achieved huge success. Take Bill Gates as an example. He dropped out from Harvard University and established Microsoft Company. Lack of bachelor degree did not slow down his steps to success. Bill Gates had yearning for making the public have access to personal computers. After making great efforts, he invented the first personal computer in the world, which brought us both convenience and efficiency. And he has become one of the wealthiest men all over the world for many years. Moreover, people in the past have limited choices to the occupation. Nowadays, young people can choose whatever they like as careers, such as basketball players, models, etc.

Thanks to the less strict rules for young men in modern society, we are able to enjoy more rights and have more access to success. For those reasons discussed above, we can safely make a conclusion that the rules in societies today are not strict for young people.  

laneesherry

每次都想膜拜同学写作文的长度啊……
我也是开头要想好久，三十分钟写作文，其中有六七分钟是花在了开头上。


蓝色是个人意见
红色是强烈建议修改的地方
黄色高亮是好词好句


It is undeniable that nowadays young people are required in many aspects. For students, they should hand in homework on time and respect teachers. For working people, if they make mistakes such as being late on companies, their salaries will be cut down. However, compared with the rules in the old days, the rules today are not strict for young people.   (好简洁的开头直入主题！）

First of all, young people, especially women, in old days have been deprived of many rights. It is not uncommon that women had no chance for further education. They were not allowed to vote, own property, or even smoke. Employers gave priority to hire men rather than women. Women were merely deemed as people who gave birth to babies. So in the past centuries, there were a lot of feminism revolutions to strive for the equality between men and women. Moreover, historically Chinese girls must experience foot-binding, which was painful and did harm to their bones. When they were about fourteen years old, these little girls would be married to adult men. It  is rare in modern society for a teenager girl to marry an adult man. In a nutshell, the rules in the old days are much stricter than those in modern society.(本段一直在讲过去怎么不好，并没有说现在有哪些改变，在这里加上这句话显得有些突兀。此外就是关于裹脚那里建议改成一个具体到人的例子，比如说我的邻居的外婆，受到了这样的残害，门都不能出，但是她的女儿们不用了，全都事业有成。这样来突出今夕对比会不会更好？）（歧视和妇女权利这一点我也有想到，不过写得不如你好）

Second, young people’s culture is acceptable at some extent now, allowing the emergence of novelty such as internet language. Internet language appears at every corner of our lives. When you open a piece of newspaper, it is not surprising to see some internet language on it. However, in the old days, young men were required to use traditional characters to express their feelings. It is a pity that the creativity has been stifled in the past. (这一段依旧是论据不够详细，缺乏例子）

Last but not least, there are more ways provided in modern society to pursue success. In the past, people were supposed to finish their degrees if they wanted to be experts in certain area. But now, some young people who dropped out from school also achieved huge success. Take Bill Gates as an example.（这里举了比尔盖茨的例子好棒！） He dropped out from Harvard University and established Microsoft Company. Lack of bachelor degree did not slow down his steps to success. Bill Gates had yearning for making the public have access to personal computers. After making great efforts, he invented the first personal computer in the world, which brought us both convenience and efficiency. And he has become one of the wealthiest men all over the world for many years. Moreover, people in the past have limited choices to the occupation. Nowadays, young people can choose whatever they like as careers, such as basketball players, models, etc. (这一段不论是论点还是论据还是论证都非常恰当！）

Thanks to the less strict rules for young men in modern society, we are able to enjoy more rights and have more access to success. For those reasons discussed above, we can safely make a conclusion that the rules in societies today are not strict for young people.

整体印象：
相比起之前的作文，同学这篇文章有了很大的提高。结构非常清晰，主题句和总结都很简单明了
不管是用词还是举例论证都很值得我去学习
请继续加油~

Mint静默

laneesherry 发表于 2013-8-26 02:28
每次都想膜拜同学写作文的长度啊……
我也是开头要想好久，三十分钟写作文，其中有六七分钟是花在了开头上 ...

谢谢lanee中肯的建议！我会好好修改的~

Mint静默

laneesherry 发表于 2013-8-26 02:28
每次都想膜拜同学写作文的长度啊……
我也是开头要想好久，三十分钟写作文，其中有六七分钟是花在了开头上 ...

lanee童鞋，我的作文大概凌晨才能出炉。。。今天弄晚了，不好意思啦~~

laneesherry

Mint静默 发表于 2013-8-26 23:11
lanee童鞋，我的作文大概凌晨才能出炉。。。今天弄晚了，不好意思啦~~

没关系，不过这样的话我只能明天在帮你改了

Mint静默

laneesherry 发表于 2013-8-26 23:15
没关系，不过这样的话我只能明天在帮你改了

ok~~~