写作新人帖，请各位多多指教~

laneesherry

红色的是个人觉得有问题的地方
蓝色的是修改建议和个人意见


8.7独立

Do you agree or disagree with the following statement?Nowadays it is easier to maintain good health than in the past.

Health is a stuff that people are longing for. Whether it is easier to maintain good health than in the past is always discussed by people. When it comes to this issue, a vast majority of people claims that keeping fit is easier today, whereas, others hold the opposite view.(个人觉得这半句在这里显得有些累赘) Contrary to the opinion of most people is my heartfelt agreement with the view that it is extraordinarily more difficult to maintain health.

In the first place, the life pace is faster than before. Modern people have trouble in maintaining both physical and mental health. Hardly do people have amounts of time to prepare for their meals. For instance, young white collar workers are striving for their careers and devote most of their time to elaborate projects. They choose to substitute the dinner full of nutrition with the instant food. Overburdened people are under remarkable pressure that can not be released. In this circumstance, putting their body in a healthy condition seems to be really hard.（本段主题句是“现代生活的步调比以前更快”，但举的例证是白领的工作压力大，似乎有些偏题。可以把主题句换成“人们的生活压力比以前更大”，也可以把例证换成更切题例子。）

In the second place, overnutrition is a serious problem people should draw attention to.（主题句和例证之间建议加多一句说理句：“人们应该对营养过剩提高警惕”+“过剩的营养会对人的健康造成威胁/是三高的主要原因之一”+“现在的调查显示XXX”）A survey, conducted by the Foundation of Chinese Adolescents' Health(FCAH), after polling thousands of children in Beijing, demonstrates that up to 20% of teenagers are overweight. People have access to various food due to boosted living standard. At the same time, advertisements make the products look better than they really are, resulting in people are curious about what they saw and try what they want frequently. Ingesting too much high-nutrition food definitely cause some diseases like high blood pressure, jeopardizing people's precious life.

Admittedly, scientific development and innovation undeniably benefit our daily life. However, their defects far outweigh the merits when we consider the chemicals added to food.（这里的第二句才是本段要说的观点，建议将这两句的顺序调换。） Take milk as an example. Apart from protein and fat, it contains some chemicals to boost the flavor and color or（to） prevent it from rotting. Some businessmen pursue high profits so that they use ,particularly cheap but harmful, chemicals with the similar function as an substitute to meet the unconscious consumers' need. High level of intake in the long term increases the risk of heart disease. Isn’t it a tough work to keep fit?

Considerable though the methods to make common citizens healthy that new society enjoys, it can not compete with the disappointing effects that modern situation brings about, when faster life pace, overnutrition with better life and vicious chemicals are taken into account. All reliable evidence lends support to the view that it is not easier to maintain good health than in the past.

说一下总体感觉吧
楼主的观点是不同意现在比过去更容易保持健康
分别举了生活步调快、营养过剩和食品添加剂作为例证
总体上来说结构非常清晰，但是在很多地方还是觉得“这是中式思维下诞生的句子”，读起来在语序遣词等方面感觉有些“奇怪（？）”

jacki1

TPO1 综合
The reading and listening passages have conflicting opinions about the four-day work. The reading material believes that four-day will increase company profits, reduce unemployment rates and benefit individual employees, providing three reasons, which are contradictory to the following lecture.

Firstly, the writer claims that four-day work strategy will boost profits(可以再补充一点：make fewer mistakes and work more efficiently导致的profit上升). However, the professor argues that it is costly to provide the four-day work.On the one hand, training new employees will spend amounts of money. On the other hand, it takes additional money to offer more space and computers.  （涵盖信息挺全 但表述略简单，可以用并列句表达清楚）

Secondly, the reading material conceive that four-day work will lead to less unemployment. Whereas, the lecturer holds the opposite point, citing the reason that company will raise expectation resulting in employees work overtime  and thus(这样的表达加一个thus therefore 更好) provide no additional jobs（听力部分叙述的太少了，综合写作的内容要做到没有看阅读和听力的人通过阅读你写的内容能知道讲了什么。）.

Thirdly, the author believes that four-day work enable employees to improve the quality of their lives. On the contrary, the speaker refutes that under four-day work employees will decrease their ability and past over promotion opportunities.（听力部分是没听到吗？感觉你的笔记记得好少，建议记的时候疯狂一些，这样写的内容也就多些）

In general, the professor discussed the issue that four-day work will cost more , have little influences on unemployment and will not improve the quality of employees life, viewed by the reading passage in an opposing angle.

最后，附上一篇无老师推荐的范文。希望你对照之后，有所收获。
TPO1

范文：  

Thelecturer claims that the new policy, which allows people to work four days aweek instead of five, will have negative effects for companies as well associety. This claim is not in agreement with that of the reading passage, whichsuggests that such a policy will be beneficial.   

  

Accordingto the lecture, a company that allows employees to have fewer working hours islikely to hire more people to ensure that it meets normal levels ofproductivity. If this occurs, expenses for training and medical insurance willinevitably rise. The reading passage, by contrast, suggests that employees whoenjoy more leisure time make fewer mistakes and work more efficiently, leadingto increased profits for the enterprise.

  

Thesecond point of difference between the lecture and the reading passage concernsthe impact of the policy on the unemployment rate. The lecturer asserts thatfor the sake of saving money, employers might raise their expectations of 4-dayemployees rather than recruit more people.

Consequently,employees who work 4 days will be forced to finish what they did in 5 dayspreviously, and no additional jobs will be created.  

  

Finally,the lecturer argues that under the new policy, employees will experience notonly decreased quality of life (as shorter working hours will translate intoless pay), but also fewer chances to be promoted to supervisory positions.However, the reading passage contends that more leisure hours can createopportunities to strengthen family ties and allow employees to develop privateinterests, making them feel more satisfied with their lives.  

jacki1

记得帮我修改哦

懒蜗窝

jacki1 发表于 2013-8-8 22:32
记得帮我修改哦

我是第一次写综合，还有些地方不太懂想请教一下：好多听力我听到了，可是觉得200字限制写不了这么多呀。还有，看范文他是从听力角度写的，那我这种角度可不可以呢？就是说除了表达的简单不充分外，结构用不用改呢？辛苦辛苦~~

jacki1

字数建议稍微多一些吧，好多高分都写到250字了。 结构什么样都无所谓，只要内容表达清楚就行， 以上为个人建议

laneesherry

懒蜗窝 发表于 2013-8-9 10:44
我是第一次写综合，还有些地方不太懂想请教一下：好多听力我听到了，可是觉得200字限制写不了这么多呀。 ...

我不是来催作业的【喂！

关于综合怎么写的问题这里强烈推荐在CD某个贴子里共享的“托福24套TPO综合写作解析”。不需要看完全部，随便选一篇把解析和答案范文研究透了就大概知道是怎么个格式该怎么写了。我当时研究的是TPO1，所以前几天布置TPO1的综合时就没有写。

字数的话我记得OG里面是有说150~225，不过写多了不扣分就是了

懒蜗窝

laneesherry 发表于 2013-8-9 22:22
我不是来催作业的【喂！

关于综合怎么写的问题这里强烈推荐在CD某个贴子里共享的“托福24套TPO综合写作 ...

感谢感谢，从学校赶回家，就耽误了  ~~加油加油!!

懒蜗窝

TPO7综合

The reading and listening materials have conflicting views about ecocertifications. The writer claims that companies in the United States will not benefit from this kind of certification,  providing three reasons, which are contradictory to the lecturer.

Firstly, the reading passage conceives that American consumers do not place much trust in such certification. However, the speaker believes that consumers will distinguish between the claim made by the company or by the independent certification agency. They also points out that ecological Americans favor wood companies which are certificated by an agency with international reputation.

Secondly, the author argues that customers are strongly motivated by price so that they will not buy wood from certificated companies which price is high. The speaker refutes the writer, citing the reason that consumers consider the price as the only factor merely when the price is too much higher or lower than the other. What they value is protecting the environment.

Thirdly, the reading passage maintain the opinion that American wood companies sell most of their products nationwide, pursuing certification would not make sense. However, the listening material hold opposite opinion. The reason is that companies should pay attention to business internationally to prevent foreign competitors. When foreign companies with certificated products capture consumers, the domestic companies do not have markets.

laneesherry

来改作文顺便催交独立写作作业再顺便提醒别忘了帮我改本次的两篇作文虽然说写得很烂。。。

蓝色的部分是个人建议和评价，黄色高亮是个人认为用的比较好的词句。



TPO7综合

The reading and listening materials have conflicting views about ecocertifications. The writer claims that companies in the United States will not benefit from this kind of certification, providing three reasons, which are contradictory to the lecturer.（这一句的用词好简洁！不过看通常的分析，综合写作的重点是听力，这里将听力和阅读的顺序调换过来，给人一种重视的是阅读部分的感觉，建议最好还是把这两者换一下位置）

Firstly, the reading passage conceives that American consumers do not place much trust in such certification. However, the speaker believes that consumers will distinguish between the claim made by the company or by the independent certification agency. They also points out that ecological Americans favor wood companies which are certificated by an agency with international reputation.
Secondly, the author argues that customers are strongly motivated by price so that they will not buy wood from certificated companies which price is high. The speaker refutes the writer, citing the reason that consumers consider the price as the only factor merely when the price is too much higher or lower than the other. What they value is protecting the environment.

Thirdly, the reading passage maintain the opinion that American wood companies sell most of their products nationwide, pursuing certification would not make sense. However, the listening material hold opposite opinion. The reason is that companies should pay attention to business internationally to prevent foreign competitors. When foreign companies with certificated products capture consumers, the domestic companies do not have markets.

整体意见：
所有应该有的点都已经回答到了，用词和句法的自然程度跟之前的作文相比也有了很大的进步。（相比之下这篇我简直是……有两大点的观点理解错误啊
不管怎么说还请懒蜗窝（不知道该怎么称呼就直接叫名字了）继续加油~

懒蜗窝

laneesherry 发表于 2013-8-15 05:12
来改作文顺便催交独立写作作业再顺便提醒别忘了帮我改本次的两篇作文虽然说写得很烂。。。

蓝色的 ...

现在改现在改  我的拖延症真不是一般的严重