fpd 托福作文练习贴，8.17 20多天练习.

fpd

上次考T还是在一年前，作文一直是弱项，不求最后考多高的分，但求每天写一篇，认认真真改完。

fpd

7.25 作文，求狠批！ 时间用了超过1个小时......

To my view, only having the ability to adapt to changing circumstances can one be always sucessful in study, job or whatever part of the life.As the world is changing,a man who is old-fashioned and out of date will defintely be pushed away by the tide of innovation.One the contrary, the man who makes himself run closely with the world trend will succed as easily as fallling of a log.In this way, having the capacity to accustomed to changing circumstances is much more essential than other facts.

Take one case of commercial for example. Nokia used to be the world's best selling mobile phone but nevertheless its market is pains-takingly shared by Apple and Sumsun in these years. Why? Undoubtely, Apple is the leader of the smart phone market.Plus,Apple, accomapnied with Samsum, occupies most of the share of market of smart phone. However, it is Nokia that firstly try to combine the smart system with mibile phone.Unfortunately, Nokia doesn't pay its attention on the further research of smart phone and mistakenly predict that customers won't like that. Even when Apple, the innovator, puts out the Iphone 3, Nokia still pay no look on the smart phone market and merely dedicate in its hard shell phones. Clearly, Nokia noticed this new cake, while it didn't follow up with the trend and was abandoned by the world. This example shows that it is critical to adapt the wolrd trend.

Not only should we catch up the trend in business, also we should do so in study. Since the technology of the world is changing as quickly as the japanese changes their president, there is no reason to don't learn the new theory and don't refresh our knowledge.Additionally, updating the equipmemt of reaserch is necessary for one who wants do study well. My friend Eric didn't notice that untill he confronts his Warterloo in his study.He is a conservative man, using old theory and out-dated equipment to do reaserach.
However, no matter how we suggested him to update his facility and knowldge, he merely insists his own thinking like a donkey.Finally, he waited 2 years on some useless research and got nothing.What if he take our suggestion? Will he be the next Eistein? Maybe.

If knowledge is power then the fresh knowledge is the nuclear-force. Only one catches up with the trend of the world can he gets more chance to win the competition or be success, a true word that has been proven by a bunch of real stories. The failure will be abandoned by the world.Therefore, instantly refresh your mind and bravely follow the trend, before it is not too late……

heys

文章有多处拼写错误，我就不改了，建议交之前可以先粘到WORD里用自动拼写检查改一下，这样队友就有更多精力去改文章的其他方面问题
In my view, only having the ability to adapt to changing circumstances can one be always sucessful in study, job or whatever part of the life.As the world is changing,a man who is old-fashioned and out of date will defintely be pushed away by the tide of innovation.One the contrary, the man who makes himself run closely with the world trend will succed as easily as fallling of a log.In this way, having the capacity to accustom（ed） to changing circumstances is much more essential than other facts.

Take one case of commercial 这个是商业广告的意思，词性是否用错了for example. Nokia used to be the world's best selling mobile phone but nevertheless its market is pains-takingly shared by Apple and Sumsun in these years. Why? Undoubtely, Apple is the leader of the smart phone market.Plus,Apple, accomapnied with Samsum, occupies most of the share of market of smart phone. However, it is Nokia that firstly try to combine the smart system with mibile phone.Unfortunately, Nokia doesn't pay its attention on the further research of smart phone and mistakenly predict that customers won't like that. Even when Apple, the innovator, puts out the Iphone 3, Nokia still pay no look on the smart phone market and merely dedicate in its hard shell phones. Clearly, Nokia noticed this new cake, while it didn't follow up with the trend and was abandoned by the world. This example shows that (it is critical to adapt 应该是RESIST吧，而且表达适应的意思时，adapt是不及物动词，后面应该加介词the wolrd trend.) 看一下，这个句子写的跟你要表达的意思是不是相反了

Not only should we catch up the trend in business, but ，aslo一般可省，but不能also we should do so in study. Since the technology of the world is changing as quickly as the japanese changes their这里的人称和数不一致，要么把their改成its,要么change用复数 president, there is no reason to 这里的用法乱了，可以改成no reason that we don't learn the new theory and don't refresh our knowledge.Additionally, updating the equipmemt of reaserch is necessary for one who wants do study well. My friend Eric didn't notice that untill he confronts his Warterloo in his study.He is a conservative man, using old theory and out-dated equipment to do reaserach.However, no matter how we suggested him to update his facility and knowldge, he merely insists his own thinking like a donkey.Finally, he waited wasted?2 years on some useless research and got nothing.What if he take took虚拟语气our suggestion? Will虚拟语气用would he be the next Eistein? Maybe.这里讲过去的事情要都用过去式，时态混乱了

If knowledge is power then the fresh knowledge is the nuclear-force. Only only修饰句子主语时不用倒装，可以去查下语法书one catches up with the trend of the world can he gets more chance to win the competition or be success直接用succeed与前面对称, a true word that has been proven by a bunch of real stories这是个习语吗，我看不懂. The failure will be abandoned by the world.Therefore, instantly refresh your mind and bravely follow the trend, before it is (not) y用了before就不用not了too late……

高亮部分是写的好的
文章结构还可以，逻辑清晰，句子之间连贯
诺基亚那个例子举的很好
就是有些表达还是不太合理，或者会犯一些小的语法错误
如果是要考试的话，宁愿写简单句，也不要写错误的句子
大家都还有很大的提升空间，坚持下来一定有结果的，一起加油吧~

heys

亲，不要忘了帮我也改下作文啊

fpd

heys 发表于 2013-7-28 15:49
亲，不要忘了帮我也改下作文啊

好的亲，就是需要这样猛批.越批越有进步。thanks a lot！~
马上去改！

fpd

限时30分钟.就写了280个字...
7.28  high pay job with no vacation VS. low pay job with a bunch of vacation

Since money is not the whole thing in our life, we do not need to spend much of our life on the job for the high salary. Instead, many things in our life, family and health, are much more precious than money. Therefore, a job without high pay but with a bunch of vacation is a good choice for us who wants utilize our time to enjoy the life.

Accompanies with high pressure, the job with no vacation is a potential bomb to our health. That is, cancer, heart-attack and obesity are all triggered by the high pressure in our job. My friend Eric uses his death to best illustrate this view. He is a workaholic, a man even sleeps in the office, and dedicates himself into the job. Whenever I saw him, he was always working or on the way to work. Sometimes he complained to me that he didn't sleep well, while now he finally could have a good sleep, forever.

Aside the health, family is another treasure that we should cherish more than money. Again, take my poor friend Eric's tragedy for instance. As he spends all his energy on his work, he seldom spends his time with his family. His mother had not seen him for ten years before she attended his funeral and stared his body with tears flowing down her face. What was sadder. He earns millions of money but has no change to spend with his family, poor Eric...

Life is beautiful rather full of work and money. Therefore, it is better to take a vacation and allocate time with your family, before we may have no change to do it anymore….

heys

不好意思改迟了啊，最近复习的一团糟啊，凌乱了

Since money is not the whole thing in our life, we do not need to spend much of our life这个搭配有点怪怪的，中式英文吧，一般都是spend time on之类的，后面接life的我真没见过 on the job for the high salary. Instead, many things in our life, family and health, are much more precious than money. Therefore, a job without high pay but with a bunch of这个搭配有问题吧，bunch是一束一捆一伙的意思，你可以用a couple of days或者别的修饰假期 vacation is a good choice for us这里就用people 好了，不然你的这个从句会显得怪怪的 who wants utilize our time to enjoy the life.

Accompanies with high pressure, 做状语的话动词应该是ED形式 the job with no vacation is a potential bomb to our health. That is, cancer, heart-attack and obesity are all triggered by the high pressure in our job. My friend Eric uses his death to best illustrate this view.这里不需要说这么复杂use 可以去掉He is a workaholic, a man even sleeps in the office, and dedicates himself into the job. Whenever I saw him, he was always working or on the way to work. Sometimes he complained to me that he didn't sleep well, while now he finally could have a good sleep, forever.这个例子的时态混乱，前面用的一般现在时，后面用的过去时，建议都用过去时

Aside from the health, family is another treasure that we should cherish more than money. Again, take my poor friend Eric's tragedy for instance. As he spends all his energy on his work, he seldom spends his time with his family. His mother had not seen him for ten years before she attended his funeral and stared his body with tears flowing down her face. What was sadder. He earns millions of money but has no change to spend with his family, poor Eric...这里的时态再一次的混了

Life is beautiful rather than? full of work and money. Therefore, it is better to take a vacation and allocate一般跟for, to搭配 time with your family, before we may have no changechance? to do it anymore….

z怎么说，感觉开头还可以凝练一点，用词或者总结都应该可以做的更好
虽然说的没写完，但是还是有结尾，就是字数不够有点可惜，后面本来应该还加一下自己的陈述的
大家都这样啦，就感觉虽然说了一大推，但是其实都是一句话 而且同样的表达会用很多次
不写的时候可以做一些训练，就是怎么把一个意思用不同的话写出来，甚至不用完全一个意思，同一个主题下的也可以
反正说来说去都是那几个点啦，我的水平也是是停留在帮你找语法错误的地方
只是自己写了那么多的话一定要找原因，为什么写不完，是想不到例子还是打字慢了
每天写那么多不容易，希望每一篇都能让你有进步才是最好，加油咯~