新人Helios报道,求指教...加入小分队很兴奋尼...

rainnonine

初来乍到，请多指教。
英文名，Helios... 没有考过托福，只是在一个培训机构模考过两次，第一次作文没写，完全没头绪，第二次写了写，老师给了独立20分左右。最近一直在自己看书备考，希望以后和大家共同进步...

2013.06.20  超时4分钟
Independent Writing：
Do you agree or disagree with the following statement?
Students who keep their rooms neat and organized will be more likely to succeed than students who do not.

      What are the contributing factors of success? A thousand people may harbor a thousand different opinions about the answer. But making a comprehensive observation at the people who have made great achievements throughout history, it is not adifficult thing for us to draw a conclusion that to make something big out of one’s life, one has tonot only possess a certain talent or capability, but also seize the opportunities when they knock on his or her door. Therefore I am a disbeliever of this statement that students who keep their rooms tidy and in order will claim more chance of success.

In the first place, there is in no way can a neat and tidy room indicate that you are more gifted or experience than others.If one has time to make his or her room in order, he or she should spend more time reading the books in the room instead of arraying those books, or practicing the piano instead of cleaning it again and again. Besides, a variety of scenes in most films show a genius’ room is scattered with books and papers. In fact, that kind of messed room is in order to him. He can use whatever he needs according to the special places of all those materials. And I remember a scene in a film when the protagonist’s wife has cleaned up for him, he is out of rage because he cannot find all the whereabouts of his stuff. Everything is not in order!

Secondly, I have seldom heard that opportunities fall upon a certain person because he or she has always kept the room clean and organized. Neither have you, I believe. Only those who focus their mind on improving their ability and increasing their experience can be brave enough to seize the opportunity of success. Those who are successful can have someone keep their rooms neat; those who are anxious to succeed have no time to put aside their time on trivialities like cleaning up the rooms.

As is stated above, I am convinced thatstudents either who do not keep their rooms neat and organized have the samepossibility as those who do, sometimes even more than those who do.

zengyuruo

红色表示错误，蓝色表示建议，高亮表示好句。
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What are the contributing factors of success? A thousand people may harbor a thousand different opinions about the answer. But making a comprehensive observation at（我查到的资料，有observation upon或者observation of，但没有at的用法） the people who have made great achievements throughout the history, it is not a difficult thing（我也有这个习惯，但其实it is not difficult for us就可以了。能简单的表达绝不复杂。） for us to draw a conclusion that to make something big out of one’s life, one has to not only possess a certain talent or capability, but also seize the opportunities when they knock on his or her door. Therefore I am a disbeliever of this statement that students who keep their rooms tidy and in order will claim（个人觉得claim在这里用得不是很准确，或者是claim to have more chance？） more chance of success.

In the first place, there is in no way can a neat and tidy room indicate that you are more gifted or experienced than others. If one has time to make his or her room in order, he or she should spend more time reading the books in the room instead of arraying those books, or practicing the piano instead of cleaning it again and again. Besides, a variety of scenes in most films show a genius’ room is scattered with books and papers. In fact, that kind of messed room is in order to him. He can use（find更准确） whatever he needs according to the special places of all those materials. And I remember a scene in a film when the protagonist’s（为什么是protagonist呢？是想用prodigy？） wife has cleaned up the room for him, he is out of rage because he cannot find all the whereabouts of his stuff. Everything is not in order!

Secondly, I have seldom heard that opportunities fall upon a certain person because he or she has always kept the room clean and organized. Neither have you, I believe. Only those who focus their mind on improving their ability and increasing their experience can be brave enough to seize the opportunity of success. Those who are successful can have someone keep their rooms neat; those who are anxious to succeed have no time to put aside their time on trivialities like cleaning up the rooms.

As is stated above, I am convinced that students either who do not keep their rooms neat and organized（either放在这儿总觉得有点不顺呢~） have the same possibility as those who do, sometimes even more than those who do.

感觉你的作文思路很清楚，表达也很顺畅，有一些小问题，但完全不影响理解。
自己有一点要特别向你学习，就是观点和论据都不复杂，但能够很有力的支持自己的观点。
有一些小建议，用蓝色标出了，供参考。
另外，个人感觉开头段落略长哈~~

rainnonine

zengyuruo 发表于 2013-6-21 11:53
红色表示错误，蓝色表示建议，高亮表示好句。
--------------------------------------------------------- ...

谢谢你的评阅，都很中肯.....
有3点说明下：
1 那个protagonist我是想表示主角，本来想用hero，感觉该换换，就用它了；
2 最后一段的either是错误的，我看超时4分钟写完，实际情况肯定没法让我再去改，所以就没改；
3 其实对于开头段的长度，我现在还有疑惑。 OG上的第一篇范文，讲朋友要说真话是最重要的品质. 我看那篇范文开头就好长，前面扯了好多朋友应该有的品质。

再次谢谢你，这是我来小分队的第一篇文章，希望我们以后共同进步...

rainnonine

21 June                       写了一大段，感觉跑题了又都删掉重新写，导致超时：12分钟  
Independent Writing：
Do you agree or disagree with the following statement?
Young people should try several differient jobs before they decide which job or career they want to do in a long term.

      Life is filled with uncertainties. And noone can boast that he or she is a hundred percent certain about his or her future. Therefore, when at the heyday of our youth, why don’t we push ourselves to explore all the wonders around the world? As for deciding which kind of job we should take in the future, young people, I am convinced, should try various sorts of jobs at first and then make up his or her mind which one he or she ought to settle down.

The most important reason why they should do so is that human beings can never be satisfied. In the philosophical arena, analysis of human’s need has been prevalent over the time. And it has long been acknowledged that certainty and uncertainty are two major feelings that human craves. As long as one has doing a job for so long a time, he or she tends to become tired of this certainty. As a result,he or she will so anxious as to change a company or transfer into another line of work.

Secondly, a job serves to meet our need for money, which is especially true for young people, because they have to store money for his or her future when a new family has to be built and an old family to be taken care of. In this case, it is a necessity for young people to try different jobs till they sift out which one can help him or her make more money.

Last but not least, apart from making money, we humans always want to strike a balance between making money and doing what we like in a job, especially in a permanent job. The best way to solve the dilemma is of course, experiencing as many jobs as possible to make comparisons between each other till we figure out which one is the most appropriate.

From what has been stated above, I strongly suggest again, young people have a go at all sorts of jobs before they finally make a decision to pick one to settle down in the long run.

rainnonine

又超时好多，咋办啊....
Do you agree or disagree with the following statement?
In some situations, if you cannot say anything nice about someone, you'd better say nothing.

      It is a widely acknowledged belief that silence is golden, which means one should spare all the talk and carry out all the measures. There is a little bit truth in it, since in one or two cases, keeping silent will work out better than speach. However, I am convinced that in various different situations, one might as well say something either complimenting or comforting instead of keeping his mouth shut during the whole time.

In the first place, speech is way much more powerful in conveying one's inner thoughts than all other methods such as gestures and facial expressions. Since when one uses nonverbal ways to expressing oneself, his listeners, more often than not, have to decode the meaning behind all those body signals, which is in most case more difficult than deciphering his words. Illustraing examples of the power of speech can be found in all the presidency campaign speech when all the candidates put his lecturing ability into full play to convince the citizens to vote for him. Never has a president runner kept silent in front a crowd of audience to express his thoughts.

Secondly, when one says something, he or she of course has expected feedbacks from his or her listeners. Even if the speaker is just anxious to pour out his complaints or sorrows, he often wants to hear "Are you feeling better now?" from his friends. In this case, saying nothing in most situations is rather an uneffective and unsatisfying feedback. For instances, when your friend has achieved something like winning a tennis game in a campus sports competition, you can always say, "Congratulations! I am so proud of you.", rather than saying nothing. When your friend is seeking comfort from you via complaining about her boyfriend, you'd better give feedback from time to time, like, "Yes, I understand." or "I know that's terrible."

Last but not least, saying something does not mean you should dominate the conversation all the time, in which case your words are likely to be irritating to your listeners. Therefore one should make observation when conversing with others and speak out his opinions occasionally, depending how much his listener expects his feedback. Nevertheless, whatever the cases, one ought not to stay silent all the time.

All in all, I strongly disagree the statement that one should say nothing when he cannot find something nice to say. Rather, he should always try to find some complimenting or consoling words as a feedback to his listener.

mymamamiya

Independent Writing：
Do you agree or disagree with the followingstatement?
Young people should try several differient jobsbefore they decide which job or career they want to do in a long term.

Life is filled with uncertainties. Andno one can boast that he or she is a hundred percent certain about his or herfuture. Therefore, when at the heyday of our youth, why don’t we push ourselvesto explore all the wonders around the world? As for deciding which kind of jobs we should takein the future, young people, I am convinced(没有理解这个插入在句中的意思，求解释), should try various sorts of jobs atfirst and then make up his or her mind which one he or she ought to settledown.(感觉这句有些长，代词有点啰嗦，这样说会不会好一些？As fordetermining the suitable job for oneself, I convince that it is better for the youngone to try various sorts of jobs before they finally make up their own minds. )

The mostimportant reason why they should do so is that human beings can never besatisfied. In the philosophical arena, analysis of human’s need has beenprevalent over the time. And it has long been acknowledged that certainty anduncertainty are two major feelings that human craves.(这句话没有啥说服力啊…要不改成And it has longbeen acknowledged that human craves for change.) As long as one has doing(改成keeps？) a job for so long a time, he or she tends to becometired of this certainty. As a result, he or she will become so anxious as to change a company ortransfer into another line of work.

Secondly, a jobserves to meet our need for money, which is especially true for young people,because they have to store money for his or her future (when their childrenand parents are needed to be taken care of.) when a new family has to be builtand an old family to be taken care of. In this case, it is a necessity for youngpeople to try different jobs till they sift out which one can help him or hermake more money.

Last but notleast, apart from making money, we humans always want to strike a balancebetween making money and doing what we like (to do) in(with) a job, especially in(for a person who need) apermanent job(一般没有永久的工作的吧..改成a long term job). The best way to solve the dilemma is, of course, experiencingas many jobs as possible to make comparisons between each other(among them) till we figure out which one is themost appropriate for us.

From what hasbeen stated above, I strongly suggest again, young people have a go at allsorts of jobs before they finally make a decision to pick one to settle down inthe long run.

待改进之处：

1感觉论证能力不错，但是论据不充分，要是能多加一些例子就更好了。比如说，写一句论据，然后 for instance，blabla。。。

2尽量不要用 he andshe 这样比较麻烦的代词。不可避免的话用ones，they什么的代替也好

3蓝色的部分是我觉得可以稍微简化一点的地方，原句当然也没有错误的~

总体还是不错的，加油！哈~

有什么评论不当的地方请指正哈！

zengyuruo

It is a widely acknowledged belief（belief是uncountable哈） that silence is golden, which means one should spare all the talk and carry out all the measures. There is a little bit truth in it, since in one or two cases, keeping silent will work out better than speech.However, I am convinced that in various different situations, one might as well say something either complimenting or comforting instead of keeping his mouth shut during the whole time.

In the first place, speech is way much more powerful in conveying one's inner thoughts than all other methods such as gestures and facial expressions. Since when one uses nonverbal ways to expressing oneself, his listeners, more often than not, have to decode the meaning behind all those body signals, which is in most case more difficult than deciphering his words. Illustrating examples of the power of speech can be found in all the presidency campaign speech when all the candidates put his lecturing ability into full play to convince the citizens to vote for him. Never has a president runner kept silent in front a crowd of audience to express his thoughts.

Secondly, when one says something, he or she of course has expected feedbacks（uncountable） from his or her listeners. Even if the speaker is just anxious to pour out his complaints or sorrows, he often wants to hear "Are you feeling better now?" from his friends. In this case, saying nothing in most situations is rather an uneffective（ineffective） and unsatisfying feedback. For instances, when your friend has achieved something like winning a tennis game in a campus sports competition, you can always say, "Congratulations! I am so proud of you.", rather than saying nothing. When your friend is seeking comfort from you via complaining about her boyfriend, you'd better give feedback from time to time, like, "Yes, I understand." or "I know that's terrible."

Last but not least, saying something does not mean you should dominate the conversation all the time, in which case your words are likely to be irritating to your listeners. Therefore one should make observation when conversing with others and speak out his opinions occasionally, depending how much his listener expects his feedback. Nevertheless, whatever the cases, one ought not to stay silent all the time.

All in all, I strongly disagree（disagree是不及物的，with or about） the statement that one should say nothing when he cannot find something nice to say. Rather, he should always try to find some complimenting or consoling words as a feedback to his listener.

zengyuruo

看完文章，觉得我们俩对这道作文题的理解特别不一样，而且有点互不能理解的样子。所以这次互改作文吧，我觉得咱们的重点是讨论讨论这道题。

In some situations, if you cannot say anything nice about someone, you'd better say nothing.
这是一个A=>B的题目，题目的两个对立面是 you‘d better say something 还是 you’d better say nothing.
前提是you cannot say anything nice about someone，显然这句话是用来限制以上对立面中的something（nothing）。而前提句子里的中心词是nice，那么如果不nice，你可能处于什么情况呢？有怨气、看不惯、反对意见？

综上分析，我认为题目中需要辩的是，如果你不能只说好话，你是说还是不说。我感觉你的文章里，只照顾到了“说还是不说”，没有照顾到前提“如果你不能说好话”。两个主要的分论点，说话是最有效的表达方式，交流需要反馈，在我看来都不是很切题。

zengyuruo

个人见解哈，一起讨论讨论~~