Betsy的写作贴

cquzyr

刚加入。
求鞭策。作文功底很差但是会努力的。

cquzyr

(⊙o⊙)…晚上回来晚了。纠结半天才写出来。真的是很残的水平！以后一定要多背模板与作文！嗯哼（握拳！）
5.30
Independent Writing：
Do you agree or disagree with the following statement?
Young people today more likely to give time and effort improving the world than young people were at the past.



As time goes, the world we live is gradually changing.We people today have more chance to learn different courses which can build our values,characters and personalities.And our life surrounded by advanced technologies and commodities become more and more convenient.So when it comes to the question whether young people today are more likely to spend time and effort improving the world than young people were in the past,my opinion is that we indeed have more opportunities to ameliorate our world because of the education and the various careers.

Firstly,the spread of the education ,especially higher education, make us young people know about responsibilities ,duties and abilities which are prerequisite for ameliorating the world. After we young people born, the majority of us live in a more convenient life compared to people in the past.We don’t have so much pressure and we all have chance to receive education which only noble men and women in the past could receive.The more people under instruction,the more people dedicate to better the world.So it is no doubt that young people today are likely to improve our lives.

Secondly,with the developments of technologies,science and economics,more and more careers come into our lives and give us opportunities to contain talent.For instance,scientists like biologists studying human may help us get better understanding of all humanbeings.The internet that make me have face time with my friends abroad changed the connection methods all over the world.And the complex transportation system that support volunteer project convoking volunteers all over the world just as my brother says make the world like a huge village ,We actually have lots of opportunities to attend jobs that have great effects on society to achieve goals and improve our world.

Newton has said:“If I have been able to see further, it was only because I stood on the shoulders of giants.” We young people could have more time and effort to improve the world just because of the accomplishments made by people in the past.Young people today are more socially aware, more responsible, and have god ways to effect change than ever before. And there is no doubt that young people will be better and better as time goes on.So I really agree with that young people today more likely to give time and effort improving the world than young people were at the past.

sherlock1992

5.30
Independent Writing：
Do you agree or disagree with the following statement?
Young people today more likely to give time and effort improving the world than young people were at the past.



As time goes, the world we live is gradually changing.We people today have more chance to learn different courses which can build our values,characters and personalities.And our life surrounded by advanced technologies and commodities becomes more and more convenient.So when it comes to the question whether young people today are more likely to spend time and effort improving the world than young people were in the past(最好别原封不动的引用原句）,my opinion is that we indeed have more opportunities to ameliorate our world because of the education and the various careers.

Firstly,the spread of the education ,especially higher education, make us young people know about responsibilities ,duties and abilities which are prerequisites for ameliorating the world. After we young people born, the majority of us live in a more convenient life compared to people in the past.We don’t have so much pressure and we all have chance to receive education which only noble men and women in the past could receive.The more people under instruction,the more people dedicate to better the world.So it is no doubt that young people today are likely to improve our lives.

Secondly,with the developments of technologies,science and economics,more and more careers come into our lives and give us opportunities to contain talent（自觉本句有些蹩脚和不地道）.For instance,scientists like biologists studying human may help us get better understanding of all humanbeings(human beings).The internet that make me have face time with my friends abroad changed(changes) the connection methods (同上，不地道）all over the world.And the complex transportation system that supports volunteer projects convoking(convoke尤指召集来开会） volunteers all over the world just as my brother says(has ever said更好些） makes the world like a huge village ,We actually have lots of opportunities to attend jobs (attend to work)that have(has) great effects on society to achieve goals and improve our world.

Newton has said:“If I have been able to see further, it was only because I stood on the shoulders of giants.” We young people could have more time and effort to improve the world just because of the accomplishments made by people in the past.Young people today are more socially aware, more responsible, and have god(good) ways to effect change (不地道）than ever before. And there is no doubt that young people will be better and better as time goes on.So I really agree with that young people today more likely to give time and effort improving the world than young people were at the past.

总结：1.整体结构还不错，挺清晰的。2.某些词语的用法不是太地道。3.文中最好不要太多次直接引用题目中的statement，要有一些变更。加油！

cquzyr

sherlock1992 发表于 2013-6-1 09:25
5.30
Independent Writing：
Do you agree or disagree with the following statement?

非常感谢批改！我会努力的。

sherlock1992

cquzyr 发表于 2013-6-1 15:01
非常感谢批改！我会努力的。

一起努力喽~

anafkn

ORZ……对不住，我是不是很挫的弄错了30号独立的修改对象……所以是sherlock改你的，我改了sherlock的咩。。。

cquzyr

anafkn 发表于 2013-6-1 22:55
ORZ……对不住，我是不是很挫的弄错了30号独立的修改对象……所以是sherlock改你的，我改了sherlock的咩。 ...

没关系的撒。都一样嘛！你俩都互批了……我就没改你的。

cquzyr

It is no doubt that nowadays technologies change our life styles.The advanced transportation system allow us to be anywhere quickly,and the internet as well as mobile devices make us easily talk to friends thousands of miles away.So when someone asserts that neighbors depend on each other less than the people in the past,I obviously agree with it.
People in the past always said that a distant relative is not as good as a near neighbour just because of backward in transportation.Neighbors are more available to help us when something happened.But now the distance does not matter any more for the well developed transportation system.And the service industries which will help us at any time become gradually mature.The connection between we and our neighbor seems not necessary and collapse with the time goes by.
The internet also account for the damage of connections among neighbors.In ancient times,people use letter to exchange messages.But as we all know, the letter is not efficient at all and may lost through the long journey. So these people with no practical way to contact with relations far away from home have to set up favorable relationship with person around them.They lived in similar type,had fun with each other and talk the same topics.As the internet and mobile devices’ spread,the situation has changed.We use Skype to see friends and relations ,even she or he is abroad.We talk to each other by phones.So many ways for us to keep in touch with people we cared make the decline of the importance of neighbors.
There still remains a lot of reasons for neighbors become more independent.Anyway,as the development of technologies ,our life become more and more convenient but have less communications.This phenomenon may continue and become seriously in one day.

anafkn

cquzyr 发表于 2013-6-3 00:00
It is no doubt that nowadays technologies change our life styles.The advanced transportation system  ...

虽然到底谁改谁很糊涂，不过找到了一个规律——反正6.1我看二位谁木有被改就改他好啦~~~~~~~~

废话不讲了，干活
红色修改 蓝色建议 高亮表赞

It is no doubt（doubt，可数名词，“毫无疑问”可以用there is no doubt that或者it is undeniable that） that nowadays technologies change our life styles. Theadvanced transportation system allows us to be(到任何地方，一般是不是用go...) anywhere quickly, and theinternet as well as mobile devices(字面意思是移动装置，既包括通信也会包括车辆，就写mobilephone算了咯) make us easily talk to friends thousands of miles away. So when someone asserts（sherlock1992也用过这个词的名词形式，可我就是不会用orz……赞一个咯二位） that neighbors depend on each other lessthan the people in the past, I obviously agree with it.

People in the past always said that a distant relative is not asgood as a near neighbor just because of backward in transportation（高亮是因为backward in transportation就是很道地的交通落后的意思，红字是因为backward是形容词……换成 the backwardness in transportation咩？）. Neighborsare more available to help us when something happened. But now the distance does not matter any more for the well-developed transportation system. And the service industries which will help us at any time become gradually mature.Theconnection between we and our neighbor（并列句中一般把“我”“我们”放在最后一个说，the neighbors and us,不过and us 貌似不要也可以咯） seems not necessary（unnecessary） and collapse(我赶脚吧，逐渐崩溃怎么样？is collapsing) withthe time goes by(with介词，with time going by，或者as, 连接词，as time goes by).

The internet also account for the damage of connections amongneighbors. In ancient times, people use letter to exchange messages. But as weall know, the letter is not efficient at all and may get(被动态) lost through the longjourney. So these people with no practical way to contact with relations faraway from home have to set up favorable relationship with persons around them. They lived in similar type, had fun with each other and talked about(虽然talk也做及物动词，不过讨论什么话题一般是加介词的) the same topics. As theinternet and mobile devices’ spread, the situation has changed. We use Skype to see friends and relations ,even she or he is abroad. We talk to each other by phones. That there are So many ways for us to keep in touch with people we cared makes thedecline of the importance of neighbors.(我真是爱死你句型换来换去的特点了，超有趣的。但是如果以“so many ways for us to keep in touch with people we care”做主语——哎，这是什么结构呢？干脆写成一个完整的句子，前面加that表长主语好咯……)

There still remains a lot of reasons for neighbors becoming(there be 句子中不会再出现第二个谓语) more independent. Anyway,as（with，和之前的time goes by一个问题） the development of technologies ,our life(lives，或者把后面的动词全都变成单数) become moreand more convenient but have less communications. This phenomenon may continue and become seriously in one day.

总结：
1. 首先谢谢你的很多通知哈~~~~~~~
2. 改这个其实超开心的——因为出彩的单词和句型很多啊，很多高亮咯，然后句子变化多，看了也不会无聊~~~~~~~~~~
3. 句子变化很丰富，长短句都有，表赞！这也是我学习的方向（我老爱写长句子），不过句型变多了容易犯错，动词的形式、主谓的变化，介词好连词的使用，请在这方面注意哈
4. 论点：邻里关系淡化
分论点：1.交通发达，服务业发达，所以不用联络邻居；2. 通讯工具和网络发达，所以不用交流感情
论点很清楚，可能稍微觉得少了那么一点点点点~~~因为……（好吧这只是我的思路，交通和通讯会不会优点overlap？）最后结尾再稍微总结一下就更好了
anyway，谢谢啦，相互帮助共同加油咯
谢谢

cquzyr

anafkn 发表于 2013-6-3 12:45
虽然到底谁改谁很糊涂，不过找到了一个规律——反正6.1我看二位谁木有被改就改他好啦~~~~~~~~

废话不讲了 ...

呃……一上来就看到了消息。谢谢你啦。
我句型变来变去纯粹是因为写不出长句子啊摔！因为水平不行……
sherlock的我看到你也改了。好些天没有上偷懒了。以后一定要坚持！加油加油！