5.11一战托福，各位兄弟姐妹给点建议。。A/D: Your job has greater happiness than your social life

dellcomputer

With the past decades witnessing a great leap in the development of the society. We are now attaching great importance to the sense of happiness which can bring us power, arouse our enthusiasm for loving life, and help us create a promising future. In terms of this statement, some people claim that jobs provide us with greater happiness than social life. In the specific analysis, I disagree with it (I bolster that our social life can achieve it better).

To begin with, it is evident that a healthy relationship with our friends is the source of happiness and harbor of heart. Communication with our friends would be able to help us relax and relief the pressure from work. A true friend is always the first to come up and give you the shirt of his/her back when you are in blue, thus solving the troubles or problems. Besides, some groups work like dancing, singing, playing basketball together can totally help us relax. Perhaps, we can have a little get-together, we talk, we laugh, we discuss and this makes life more colorful.

More importantly, however, there is no denying the fact that by engaging in social life, we can befriend people from all walks of life. Thus, we can enlarge our social networking and have a happier life. For example, author Michael Lewis said at a speech：“One night I was invited to a dinner, where I sat next to the wife of a big shot at a giant Wall Street investment bank, called Salomon Brothers. She more or less forced her husband to give me a job.” Then he was so happy that he got a fantastic job and wrote the book Liar’s Poke which was a hit to the country. If he had not take part in the dinner, he would never have become so successful and delightful.  

Admittedly, it may be true that jobs bring happiness, as it can meet both our material and spiritual needs, in some conditions. We will realize our self value and social value in our work, thus meeting our spiritual needs. However, it alone does not constitute sufficient evidence to claim that jobs provide us with greater happiness than social life.

Thus, it is an inescapable conclusion that our social life provides greater happiness than our job.

dellcomputer

请大神帮我看看吧，给我点动力，不胜感激。。。字数：380

perfectends

亲，到这里占座加入小分队，方便批改噢，每天晚上队长会来分组，队友给你批：http://forum.chasedream.com/thread-802202-1-1.html

dellcomputer

7th May 2013
独立写作占座
http://forum.chasedream.com/foru ... D207%26typeid%3D207

艾米果果

With the past decades witnessing a great leap in the development of the society. We are now attaching great importance to the sense of happiness which can bring us power, arouse our enthusiasm for loving life, and help us create a promising future. In terms of this statement, some people claim that jobs provide us with greater happiness than social life. In the specific analysis, （我从逻辑上说哈，我觉得你作文的词汇量OK啦.感觉自己的观点提出的有点生硬，你考虑下能不拿把你的分论点简化成三个概括性的词，放在第一段？也算是个总分嘛）I disagree with it (I bolster that our social life can achieve it better).（开头挺好的呀，我也喜欢把开头写成这样）

To begin with, it is evident that a healthy relationship with our friends is the source of happiness and harbor of heart. Communication with our friends would be able to help us relax and relief the pressure from work. A true friend is always the first to come up and give you the shirt of his/her back when you are in blue, thus solving the troubles or problems. Besides, some groups work like dancing, singing, playing basketball together can totally help us relax. Perhaps, we can have a little get-together, we talk, we laugh, we discuss and this makes life more colorful.（写这一篇的时候，所以话我一直没搞懂他们的social life具体指的是什么难道就是party？姑且理解的是communicate。分论点挺好的，就是觉得后面的论证besides后面的可以讲得细一点，比如说加入sport team跟志趣相投的人一起balabala）

More importantly, however, there is no denying the fact that by engaging in social life, we can befriend people from all walks of life. Thus, we can enlarge our social networking and have a happier life. For example, author Michael Lewis said at a speech：“One night I was invited to a dinner, where I sat next to the wife of a big shot at a giant Wall Street investment bank, called Salomon Brothers. She more or less forced her husband to give me a job.” （例子不需要引用这么多原话吧，你用自己的话把事情所清楚就行了。重要不是例子，是你在例子后面的分析）Then he was so happy that he got a fantastic job and wrote the book Liar’s Poke which was a hit to the country. If he had not take part in the dinner, he would never have become so successful and delightful. （觉得这个分论点有点像是支持因为得到job所以他很happy。所以我想这里的论证可以讲讲他social life交到了跟多朋友，也因此过上了happier life。你前面分论点这么说的，这样可以前后照应一下嘛）

Admittedly, it may be true that jobs bring happiness, as it can meet both our material and spiritual needs, in some conditions. We will realize our self value and social value in our work, thus meeting our spiritual needs. However, it alone does not constitute sufficient evidence to claim that jobs provide us with greater happiness than social life. （如果你最后一点要做让步的话，重点是however后面的话，因为你的态度是disagree。仅说does not constitute sufficient evidence to claim，只给观点不给分析的话，这就however就显得论证性太弱了，反倒是前面的job的论证抢了“风头”了）

Thus, it is an inescapable conclusion that our social life provides greater happiness than our job.（最后一段指数少了嘛，要是憋不出，就把前面的理由再换句话总结一下。）

以上仅是个人观点，亲做个参考就是了，觉得说的不对，直接无视就是了~~~我觉得你词汇什么的挺好的，多练练的话就有思路啦~~~加油

艾米果果

额，我改成你昨天的作文了。。。你昨天的作文怎么没人给你改啊？

dellcomputer

艾米果果 发表于 2013-5-7 23:56
额，我改成你昨天的作文了。。。你昨天的作文怎么没人给你改啊？

谢谢你细心的批改，我学习了很多。这篇作文就是我昨天写的哈。

dellcomputer

5.8
独立作文 Which way do you think is the best for a student to make new friends, a.joining a sport team b. participate in the community activities c. traveling

With the past decades witnessing a great leap in the development of the society, we are now attaching great importance to the sense of friendship which gives us power, arouse us enthusiasm for loving life and help us create a promising future. Therefore, friendship is a precious relationship that we all should treasure. However, which way is the best for a student to make new friends, joining a sport team, participating in the community activities or traveling? In the specific analysis, I think, participating in the community activities are the perfect means for a student to make new friends.

To begin with, it is evident that there are a great variety of communities on campus due to the fact that the students, from all over the country or overseas, have different backgrounds and personalities, different hobbies, also different self value and social value. Students can make friends with those who share the same love for a particular thing and get to know about the culture, custom, history and many other interesting things about their hometown. Perhaps they have a little get-together, they talk, they laugh, they discuss, and this will make campus life more colorful.

More importantly, however, it can not be denied the fact that participating in the community activities would be able to help student improve their interpersonal and communication skills, which are of great importance for the future career in our rapid developing society. For instance, when we participate in a community activity, we may be the leaders in the group which means we should be able to communicate with the students outside the group efficiently and subordinate the group members effectively with the skills. What is more, there will be more students want to join our group and we can make more friends in that situation.

Last but not the least, there is no denying the fact that students can learn each other’s strong points and get help from other individual to improve heir own abilities in certain areas. Students can make friends with people who have related experience and expertise on the project, solving the problems or troubles they run into about the project, which will save a lot of time and effort to learn more and get to know more friends.

Thus, it is an inescapable conclusion that participating in the community activities are the perfect means for a student to make new friends. Participating in the community can help students broaden their horizons, improve their interpersonal and communication skills and enhance their proficiency in certain areas.

dellcomputer

5.8 第二篇 也是写关于友情的，感觉写的有些生硬。。。字数400
Agree or disagree: it is impossible to be completely honest with your friends.

One of the universal issues that draw growing concerns is about honesty among friends. It is universally acknowledged that people should be honest with their friends all the time. However, with time passing by, others believe that it is impossible to be honest with their friends from the beginning to the end. From my perspective, I am sided with the latter.

To begin with, it is evident that sometimes a white lie proves to be beneficial than a cruel truth for the reason that if individuals tell their friends the cruel truth, there is a strong likelihood that their friends will not be able to accept the truth immediately. Therefore, we need to tell white lies to comfort and encourage our friends. Among all the examples that I have heard, witnessed, and experienced, the most impressive one is about one of my best friend. His mother got sick and in grave condition when he was preparing an interview last summer. I lied to him by saying that your mother was fine and focused on your job hunting. Because if I had told him the truth, he could not do anything about his mother and also he may had lost his job.

More importantly, however, it can not be denied the fact sometimes individuals would not always tell the truth to their friends owing to the fact that the truth may have bad influence on them. For instance, if people tell their friends some secret things, there is very likelihood that their friends tell others about it, which may bring bad influence to him. According to one of the latest surveys conducted by a certain international organization, approximately 80% of the individual, as it has been said, would not be able to be completely honest with friends, that is, they lie to their friends for a great variety of reasons.

Admittedly, the true is that being honest is the basic necessity to maintain friendship, for only honesty can breed trust and only trust can further keep and improve the relationship between people. However, this alone does not constitute sufficient evidence to claim that people would be able to be completely honest to their friends all the time.

Thus, it is an inescapable conclusion that it is impossible to be completely honest with your friends. Because sometimes a white lie or lie is necessary to keep a health relationship with our friends.

艾米果果

平时还是练写作小分队布置的 题目嘛，这样大家都写相同的题目改作文的时候有思路好更好的提意见
With the past decades witnessing a great leap in the development of the society, we are now attaching great importance to the sense of friendship which gives us power, arouse us enthusiasm for loving life and help us create a promising future. Therefore, friendship is a precious relationship that we all should treasure. However, which way is the best for a student to make new friends, joining a sport team, participating in the community activities or traveling? In the specific analysis, I think, participating in the community activities are the perfect means for a student to make new friends.（第一段没什么问题哦~~~中规中矩，但是要冲高分开头就出彩哦，这个开头快被广大考生用烂了）


To begin with, it is evident that there are a great variety of communities on campus due to（due to一般是说不好的因果关系，好的因果关系用owing to） the fact that the students, from all over the country or overseas, have different backgrounds and personalities, different hobbies, also different self value and social value. Students can make friends with those who share the same love for a particular thing and get to know about the culture, custom, history and many other interesting things about their hometown. Perhaps they have a little get-together, they talk, they laugh, they discuss, and this will make campus life more colorful.（这段的并列好多，都是词汇层面上的并列。要不亲考虑一下后面的把词汇的并列换成句式并列，就是说把例子具体化。Particular thing是什么呀，比如摄影爱好者啊，然后你们怎么交流的啊；都喜爱中国文化的这么交流啊）

More importantly, however, it can not be denied the fact that participating in the community activities would be able to help student improve their interpersonal and communication skills, which are of great importance for the future career in our rapid developing society. For instance, when we participate in a community activity, we may be the leaders in the group which means we should be able to communicate with the students outside the group efficiently and subordinate the group members effectively with the skills. What is more, there will be more students want to join our group and we can make more friends in that situation.

Last but not the least, there is no denying the fact that students can learn each other’s strong points and get help from other individual to improve heir own abilities in certain areas. Students can make friends with people who have related experience and expertise on the project, solving the problems or troubles they run into about the project, which will save a lot of time and effort to learn more and get to know more friends.
第二、三段加点例子吧，只是自己反复论述不是很生动。实在想不出来就“七大姑八大姨”万能例子啦
Thus, it is an inescapable conclusion that participating in the community activities are the perfect means for a student to make new friends. Participating in the community can help students broaden their horizons, improve their interpersonal and communication skills and enhance their proficiency in certain areas.
发现亲爱在分论点总括句用无灵主语，用一两次是加分句啦，用多了审美疲劳~~~也不是说每一句总括句一点都要用句式，普通的陈述句+有逻辑link也可以很好的胜任总括句的任务~~~