jay 作文练习不能水！！！

山禾璟

4/7 修改

jay871750293

4.8 独立
Do celebrities like athletes and movie stars need their privacy?

Some people contend that celebrities doesn't need their privacy, because celebrities, who are of great influence on ordinary people, should be responsible to open their privacy and let people know their privacy. However, I think the claim above is legally and morally unacceptable. Moreover, to some extent, I am inclined to favor the point that celebrities, the same as athletes and movie stars, do keep their privacy from others. In addition, my argument will be confirmed and strengthened by the subsequent considerations and grounds.

To begin with, the most significant reason for my view is that it's the right not only for the celebrities, but also for everyone to keep privacy. In other words, the law constituted by government and ordinary people is able to protect everyone's privacy and keep it from revealing. Hence, it's the crime behavior to deprive of everyone's privacy, including the privacy of celebrities. In addition, if nobody can keep his or her own privacy, the world would have become a real mess.

Furthermore, equally important to my viewpoint is another factor that without their privacy, the famous might lose their positive influence on people and the common would fail to obtain their achievement and success. On the basis of the common sense, most of ordinary people might have several role models, usually the celebrities, and regard the great achievement of those role models as their life goals. However, if the privacy of bad experiences from celebrities is exposed and known by the ordinary, common people's faith and goal would collapse. Take me as an example. When I was young, I admire Michael Jackson, the super star known worldwide, so much that he is, definitely and absolutely, my favorite star and role model. But after knowing his privacy of scandal, I feel considerably and substantially lost.

To sum up, arguable and debatable, my point of view still suffers, if any, few drawbacks and problems. For instance, those celebrities may hide their bad personality as privacy, deceive ordinary people and gain a lot of illegal benefits. However, thanks to the evidences and reasons mentioned above, my argument enjoys a distinct advantage, which overshadows those disadvantages. Therefore, it's safe to come to the conclusion that like athletes and movie stars, celebrities are necessary to own their privacy.

jay871750293

4.9 独立

Do you agree or disagree with the following statement:
The government should support the scientific research even there’s no practical use.

From time to time, there are always some governments that often support the scientific research without any practical use, partly because this kind of research will increase the scientist's understanding about some theories. However, as far as I am concerned, the claim above is realistically and beneficially unacceptable. In addition, to some extent, I am inclined to favor the point that it's government's responsibility to buttress the scientific research which must have practical value.


To begin with, the most significant reason for my viewpoint is that the main reason of scientific research and technology development is to contribute to a great practical value, say, improvement of people's life, the cleaner environment of earth. Hence, the scientific research without practical use is of no value to government or every ordinary people. However, some people may contend that governments do support some scientific research with solely theoretical use. It's true that some of the researches supported by government appear less practical in a short time, but in a long run, these scientific researches do make a considerable influence on people's life. Take the space craft as an example. As far as I know, the research of the space shuttle which is able to carry several people took a whole country several decades to carry it into effect.


Furthermore, equally important to my point of view is that it's a huge waste for government to support those scientific researches with little or even no practical use. The fee of the government-funded scientific research is eventually from the taxes of everyone in society. So, those scientific researches have to contain some practical use and serve practical function to people in society. If not, those scientific researches are less cost-efficient and are likely to waste the not only the resources and money from people, but also the energy and time from scientists. In addition, if the tax payers are aware of the government using their taxes to support scientific researches without practical use, they may feel less satisfied and content to the government, making the government harder and harder to govern the city or country.



Arguable and debatable, my argument still suffers from, if any, few drawbacks and problems. For instance, excessive attention from government on those practical scientific researches may cause some unpleasant results that researchers centre more on practical benefits than theoretical achievement. However, to some degree, this kind of problem may be easily fixed by some government policies limiting the commercial needs of scientists.

Therefore, thanks to the reasons and evidences above, my argument enjoys a distinct advantage, which overshadow those disadvantages and it's safe to come to the conclusion that the government should support the scientific research with practical use.

huangtan

4.8 独立
Do celebrities like athletes and movie stars need their privacy?

Some people contend that celebrities doesn't （do not）need their privacy, because celebrities, who are of great influence on ordinary people, should be responsible to open their privacy and let people know their privacy. However, I think the claim above is legally and morally unacceptable. Moreover, to some extent, I am inclined to favor the point that celebrities, the same as athletes and movie stars(这句不知道在说什么和什么一样。。。。), do keep their privacy from others. In addition, my argument will be confirmed and strengthened by the subsequent considerations and grounds.

To begin with, the most significant reason for my view is that it's the right not only for the celebrities, but also for everyone to keep privacy. In other words, the law constituted by government and ordinary people is able to protect everyone's privacy and keep it from revealing. Hence, it's the crime behavior to deprive of everyone's （anyone‘s）privacy, including the privacy of celebrities. In addition, if nobody can keep his or her own privacy, the world would have become a real mess.

Furthermore, equally important to my viewpoint  above is another factor that without their privacy, the fa mous might lose their positive influence on people and the common would fail to obtain their achievement and success. On the basis of the common sense, most of ordinary people might have several role models, usually the celebrities, and regard the great achievement of those role models as their life goals. However, if the privacy of bad experiences from celebrities is exposed and known by the ordinary, common people's faith and goal would collapse. Take me as an example. When I was young, I admire Michael Jackson, the super star known worldwide, so much that he is, definitely and absolutely, my favorite star and role model. But after knowing his privacy of scandal, I feel considerably and substantially lost.

诶 看的出来楼主在变换句式和单词，但是自己的分论点都说明的不够有力，比如第一个分论点可以举例子什么的啦，比如第二il个分论点可以讲MJ的什么丑闻如何影响了自己，有这样生动具体的个人例子，就会令人印象深刻，有句话这么说的：the devil is all in the detail

jay871750293

huangtan 发表于 2013-4-9 19:12
4.8 独立
Do celebrities like athletes and movie stars need their privacy?

先感谢Tim 4.9作文的批改~
其中这句话：I am inclined to favor the point that celebrities,the same as athletes and movie stars, do keep their privacy from others.
其中the same as A and MS 我想的是作插入语修饰C，即C就像A和MS一样，需要有隐私
这样的用法会有歧义或者是意思不清楚吗？
没有太懂...

huangtan

jay871750293 发表于 2013-4-9 22:59
先感谢Tim 4.9作文的批改~
其中这句话：I am inclined to favor the point that celebrities,the same as ...

那就用such as ,或者like就好了嘛，

lihaolan

From time to time, there are always some governments that often support the scientific research without any practical use, partly because this kind of research will increase the scientist's understanding about some theories. However, as far as I am concerned, the claim above is realistically and beneficially（没有beneficially unacceptable这样的。） unacceptable. In addition, to some extent, I am inclined to favor the point that it's government's responsibility to buttress the scientific research which must have practical value.


To begin with, the most significant reason for my viewpoint is that the main reason（object） of scientific research and technology development is to contribute to a great practical value, say, improvement of people's life, the cleaner environment of earth and so on. Hence, the scientific research without practical use is of no value to government or every ordinary people. However, some people may contend that governments do support some scientific research with solely theoretical use. It's true that some of the researches supported by government appear less practical in a short time, but in a long run, these scientific researches do make a considerable influence on people's life. Take the space craft as an example. As far as I know, the research of the space shuttle which is able to carry several people took a whole country several decades to carry it into effect（说说什么influence，什么好处）.


Furthermore, equally important to my point of view is that it's a huge waste for government to support those scientific researches with little or even no practical use. The fee of the government-funded scientific research is eventually from the taxes of everyone in society. So, （不要逗号）those scientific researches have to contain some practical use and serve practical function to people in society. If not, those scientific researches are less cost-efficient and are likely to waste the not only the resources and money from people, but also the energy and time from scientists. In addition, if the tax payers are aware of the government using their taxes to support scientific researches without practical use, they may feel less satisfied and contented to the government, making the government harder and harder to govern the city or country.



Arguable and debatable（adv吧。）, my argument still suffers from, if any, few drawbacks and problems. For instance, excessive attention from government on those practical scientific researches may cause some unpleasant results that researchers centre more on practical benefits than theoretical achievement. However, to some degree, this kind of problem may be easily fixed by some government policies limiting the commercial needs of scientists.

Therefore, thanks to the reasons and evidences above, my argument enjoys a distinct advantage, which overshadow（单三） those disadvantages and it's safe to come to the conclusion that the government should only support the scientific research with practical use.

理由可以再充分点，最后一段在让步。其他挺好的。

jay871750293

封楼咯...
昨天成绩出来了，很神奇的居然过百了，并且作文还得了29，可谓人品大爆发吧...
虽然在小分队没呆几天，但是我觉得大家的作文都比我好很多的
所以，相信大家作文也一定可以考到29甚至30的~
大家加油哦~~
当然，也要谢谢小分队这么好的平台~~

回忆一下当时的作文，可能也是当时状态比较好，字数上独立差不多420（之前练习，30min内从没上过400字...）
我记得只写了四段，开头+两个原因+结尾，有用到一两个例子，
但是我的写作积累相比大家算很差的（之前慎小嶷也没背过）动词的话will do，should do重复率也蛮高的，
所以大我觉得家这么多丰富的辞藻和句式短语肯定会加分不少的~~
另外，我自认为，慎小嶷day2里面的 “tm streec $ 裸奔法”用来构思文章还蛮不错的，之前构思要花蛮久时间的，裸奔之后就快多了~

最后再简述一下综合，之前看某大牛的经验贴说到两点，一是不用太重视语言组织，内容才是关键，所以像我这种语言积累很弱的人也还好应付了，把该写的内容都写出来就好了；二是正文开头要有一句总结，即简述文章里面什么论点错误了，之后才是说明这个论点怎么错了。
这两点是大牛经验贴给我印象最深的两点，我也就照做了（其实也就只吸取了这两点经验...），但从分数来看，我觉得大牛对于这两点的认识在我身上被一定程度的证实了，所以也希望大家可以琢磨琢磨~

其实写这段话我最想表达的意思是说——我这样的渣渣居然都写到29了，小分队里面的其他队员们，也是我膜拜的牛牛们，你们也一定松松搞定托福作文的！！！
大家加油哦！！！
再次感谢这么给力的小分队~~~

jay871750293

嘻嘻，又回来了，感觉还是要写写文章才能真正积累单词和用法~

4.18 独立From time to time, there are always some people who hold strong desire to spend their vocation in a nice location with good food, partly due to their wants of beautiful landscape and tasty food. However, to some extent, I am inclined to favor the point that good friends are essential and crucial to contribute to an enjoyable vocation.


To begin with, the most telling reason for my viewpoint is that good friends are much more "living" than good food and location. In other words, good friends can talk to you and respond to you, making the journey much pleasant and delightful. However, on the opposite, there is no direct contact between you and good vocation spot or food. Moreover, in our daily life, we often hang out with our close and intimate friends in city, a place without much good sightseeing views, whereas we all have fun during this period even without the company of delicious food. And according to my understanding, we enjoys ourselves in such hanging out just because we have our best and trustworthy friends with us and have a lot of free talks with them. Therefore, by the same token, we can also experience a nice trip as long as our good friends are around us.

Furthermore, equally important to my argument is that during the vocation, good friends will do us plenty of favors, which play a key role to our good vocation experience and memory. If we travel alone, we have to face and fix the difficulties and problems with ourselves and what's worse, those unexpected trouble in the travel may make you unsettled and uncomfortable before the trip. However, good friends, ones who are well acquainted with and familiar with you, are able to give you many valuable and useful tips and helps and pull you out of trouble in the travel. In addition, they can nurse your mental condition back to health and settle you down before the trip, guaranteeing your nice experiences of the vocation forehead.

To sum up, my point of view still suffers from, if any, few drawbacks and problems. However, thanks to evidences and reasons above, my argument enjoys a distinct advantage, which far eclipses the disadvantages concerning my points. Hence, it's safe to come to the conclusion I support.

lihaolan

From time to time, there are always some people who hold strong desire to spend their vocation in a nice location with good food, partly due to their wants（preference） of beautiful landscape and tasty food. However, to some extent, I am inclined to favor the point that good friends are essential and crucial to contribute to an enjoyable vocation.


To begin with, the most telling reason for my viewpoint is that good friends are much more "living" than good food and location. In other words, good friends can talk to you and respond to you, making the journey much pleasant and delightful. However, on the opposite, there is no direct contact between you（an enjoyment vacation.） and good vocation spot or food. Moreover, in our daily life, we often hang out with our close and intimate friends in city, a place without much good sightseeing views, whereas we all have fun during this period even without the company of delicious food. And according to my understanding, we enjoys（enjoy） ourselves in such hanging out just because we have our best and trustworthy friends with us and have a lot of free talks with them. Therefore, by the same token, we can also experience a nice trip as long as our good friends are around us.

Furthermore, equally important to my argument is that during the vocation, good friends will do us plenty of favors, which play a key role to（in） our good vocation experience and memory. If we travel alone, we have to face and fix the difficulties and problems with ourselves and（断句吧。这里接and 略累赘） what's worse, those unexpected trouble （troubles）in the travel may make you unsettled and uncomfortable before the trip. However, good friends, ones who are well acquainted with and familiar with you, are able to give you many valuable and useful tips and helps and pull you out of trouble in the travel. In addition, they can nurse（reassure one比较好吧。） your mental condition back to health and settle you down before the trip, guaranteeing your nice experiences of the vocation forehead.

To sum up, my point of view still suffers from, if any, few drawbacks and problems. However, thanks to evidences and reasons above, my argument enjoys a distinct advantage, which far eclipses the disadvantages concerning my points. Hence, it's safe to come to the conclusion I support.
很通顺。就是有点地方小错误注意！