【写作小分队】Endies的作文贴~~~ 勇敢迈出写作第一步！~

Endies

lihaolan 发表于 2013-4-4 09:15
2013.4.3Independent Writing：The only effective way to encourage energyconservation is by increasing ...

Thus electricity is a necessary energy to produce products, and products need to be transported to the place where they are sold, increasing the cost of electricity and gasoline would increase products costs, making products uncompetitive on the national and international markets. (逻辑和上一句没有关系，你可以解释下第一句，特别是前半句失去竞争力，因此电需要用来produce products。没有什么因果关系。)

就是在解释啊，因为需要用电生产产品，电价上涨会增加产品的成本，失去价格优势，失去竞争力啊。。。

lihaolan

Endies 发表于 2013-4-4 09:23
Thus electricity is a necessary energy to produce products, and products need to be transported to ...

==那用because。。。。。。。。thus 是因此接上一句。

Endies

4 April

IndependentWriting：

Doyou agree or disagree with the following statement:

Mostpeople often let others make decisions for them rather than make decisions bythemselves.

拿手机登陆发现好多词之间没有空格，从word粘贴过来的排版问题。 手机改不方便，批作文的童鞋不好意思了。

Lifeis all about decision-making. As a result of the increasingly fierce competition in education opportunities and employment opportunities, people often want to avoid the mistakes and shortcomings by taking advice from other people. Thus a statement that some people often let others make decisions for them rather than make decisions by themselves has been discussed. In my opinion,I disagree with given statement.

Firstly and admittedly, we will turn to the matured people in making important decisions for us. For an example, our parents always tend to make some influential choices for us during our growth, including choosing the university and selecting the person who could marry to. However, these choices occupy a small part in our lives. Most of the time, we all need to make decisions by ourselves. Such as deciding where to have lunch, which shoes fit us, what should we do today, and so on. Making these personal choices is common in our lives, and letting others make the decision for us is a poor approach in decision-making, and it is also unacceptable.

Additionally, allowing others to choose for you will not only expose you to the risks that you may not be aware of but also constrict one’s ability in evolving to a more independent individual. For instance, could a manager allow others to decide the investment plan of company? The answer is obvious: these choices cannot be made by other people. The choices are preferably to be made by themselves. From this,they will learn the pros and cons of the choices which they make as well as letthem take chances and face risks and consequences. Eventually, they will grow into successful beings.

Furthermore, although the cost of mistakes is not foreseeable when we make the wrong decision by ourselves, it enables us to become responsible individuals. It is from the mistakes that we learn the value of decision-making thus will allow us to distinguish the good from the bad on our own. Therefore allowing us to bemore trustworthy, reliable and become responsible for ourselves. Making our ownchoices can also promote self-assurance for every individual thus develops confidence and molds us into responsible beings.

In conclusion, there is no doubt that choices are not often made by other peoples,including which is about personal lives and business plan.  

超级无敌小鹤鹤

你要删掉哪一楼？

Endies

超级无敌小鹤鹤 发表于 2013-4-4 12:48
你要删掉哪一楼？

7楼 他的作文发到我这里的那个。。

超级无敌小鹤鹤

帮你删除啦~~
加油~~好好写作文哈~~

scartter

4 April
Independent Writing：
Do you agree or disagree with the following statement:
Most people often let others make decisions for them rather than make decisions by themselves.
Life is all about decision-making. As a result of the increasingly fierce competition in education opportunities and employment opportunities, people often want to avoid the(多余，可删掉) mistakes and shortcomings by taking advice from other peoples. Thus（However,） a statement that some people often let others make decisions for them rather than make decisions by themselves has been discussed（句型和上面的一个people often wan to ...重复，换一种句型表示比较好，并且，这句和前面的观点不是因果关系，不能用Thus）. In my opinion,I disagree with （加the指代特定的statement）given statement.

Firstly,admittedly, (两个副词这样重复放在一起太奇怪，建议把admittedly 融合在后面的句子里，比如说用There is no doubt that）we will turn (改成are growing into the mature people,mature可直接做形容词) in (by) making important decisions for us. As an example: we parents(我不知道可不可以这样用。。。。). We（Our） parents will tend to make some influential choices for us as we are growing up, including choosing the university and select(selecting) the person who (we )could（will） marry to(with). However, these choices （Only）occupy a small part in our lives. But（这个but 转折得有点莫名其妙,可以不用转折，直接开启下一个观点） most of the time, we all need to make decisions by ourselves. Such as deciding where to go for lunch, which shoes fit us most or what should we do today and so on.Making these personal choices is common things in our lives, and letting others make the decision for us is a poor approach in decision-making, and it is alsounacceptable(这是什么单词。。。能看出后面是acceptable,前面的是不是楼主不小心删掉了。。。。).
additionally,allowing others to choose for you will not only expose you to（in） the risks that you may not aware of but also constrict your ability in evolving(用这个词好奇怪，怎么能说是进化呢，改成becoming吧) to a more independent individual. For instance,Is there a manager allow others to decide the investment plan of company? The answer is obvious: these choices cannot be made by other people. The choices are preferably to be made by themselves(这个themselves应该是指那个manager吧，前面是单数后面又变成复数了，楼主要么改前面要么改后面). From this,they will learn the pros and cons of the choices which they make（made） as well as let them take chances and face (with) risks and consequences. Eventually, they will grow into successful beings.
Furthermore,although the cost of mistakes is not foreseeable when we make the wrong decision by ourselves, it enables us to become responsible individuals(这句的让步关系有点小欠缺，可以改成虽然自己做的决定可能会造成不好的结果，但是这依然使我们变得更有责任心）. It is from the mistakes that we learn the value of decision-making(改成from the mistakes,we can learn the value of decision-making), thus will(will 删掉改成It allow...) allow us to distinguish the good from（from改成and） the bad on(by) our own. Therefore allowing(allow和前面重复，换成making) us to be more trustworthy, reliable and become(动词前面已经有了，become删掉) responsible for ourselves. Making our own choices can also promote self-assurance for every individual，thus developing confidence and molding us into responsible beings（这句有点小错误我直接在里面改了）.
In conclusion, there is no doubt that choices are not often made by other peoples（people已经是复数直接用people或者是直接写others）,including that which（that又加了which是什么意思，这句话可直接写成including personal things and business plan.） is about personal lives and business plan.

楼主的整体思路很清晰，每一段的安排思路也很正确。
语法，短语的使用上楼主还要加强练习，论证方面建议多加一些具体的例子会更具有说服力，不要老是说理，老美貌似不喜欢说太多空话。
差不多就这些，楼主看看我说的也不一定对，参考一下就好，建议加强一下语法，楼主的结构是没什么大问题的。大家一起加油~~~

Endies

4 April
Independent Writing：
Do you agree or disagree with the following statement:
Most people often let others make decisions for them rather than make decisions by themselves.

Life is all about decision-making. As a result of the increasingly fierce competition in education opportunities and employment opportunities, people often want to avoid the(多余，可删掉) mistakes and shortcomings by taking advice from other peoples. Thus（However,） a statement that some people often let others make decisions for them rather than make decisions by themselves has been discussed（句型和上面的一个people often wan to ...重复，换一种句型表示比较好，并且，这句和前面的观点不是因果关系，不能用Thus）. In my opinion,I disagree with （加the指代特定的statement）given statement.

Firstly,admittedly, (两个副词这样重复放在一起太奇怪，建议把admittedly 融合在后面的句子里，比如说用There is no doubt that）we will turn (改成are growing into the mature people,mature可直接做形容词) in (by) making important decisions for us. As an example: we parents(我不知道可不可以这样用。。。。). Our parents will tend to make some influential choices for us as we are growing up, including choosing the university and select(selecting) the person who (we ) could（will）marry to(with). However, these choices （Only）occupy a small part in our lives. But（这个but 转折得有点莫名其妙,可以不用转折，直接开启下一个观点） most of the time, we all need to make decisions by ourselves. Such as deciding where to go for lunch, which shoes fit us most or what should we do today and so on.Making these personal choices is common things in our lives, and letting others make the decision for us is a poor approach in decision-making, and it is also unacceptable(这是什么单词。。。能看出后面是acceptable,前面的是不是楼主不小心删掉了。。。。).

Additionally,allowing others to choose for you will not only expose you to（in） the risks that you may not aware of but also constrict your ability in evolving(用这个词好奇怪，怎么能说是进化呢，改成becoming吧) to a more independent individual. For instance,Is there a manager allow others to decide the investment plan of company? The answer is obvious: these choices cannot be made by other people. The choices are preferably to be made by themselves(这个themselves应该是指那个manager吧，前面是单数后面又变成复数了，楼主要么改前面要么改后面). From this,they will learn the pros and cons of the choices which they make（made） as well as let them take chances and face (with) risks and consequences. Eventually, they will grow into successful beings.

Furthermore,although the cost of mistakes is not foreseeable when we make the wrong decision by ourselves, it enables us to become responsible individuals(这句的让步关系有点小欠缺，可以改成虽然自己做的决定可能会造成不好的结果，但是这依然使我们变得更有责任心）. It is from the mistakes that we learn the value of decision-making(改成from the mistakes,we can learn the value of decision-making), thus will(will 删掉改成It allow...) allow us to distinguish the good from（from改成and） the bad on(by) our own.

Therefore allowing(allow和前面重复，换成making) us to be more trustworthy, reliable and become(动词前面已经有了，become删掉) responsible for ourselves. Making our own choices can also promote self-assurance for every individual，thus developing confidence and molding us into responsible beings（这句有点小错误我直接在里面改了）.
In conclusion, there is no doubt that choices are not often made by other peoples（people已经是复数直接用people或者是直接写others）,including that which（that又加了which是什么意思，这句话可直接写成including personal things and business plan.） is about personal lives and business plan.

楼主的整体思路很清晰，每一段的安排思路也很正确。
语法，短语的使用上楼主还要加强练习，论证方面建议多加一些具体的例子会更具有说服力，不要老是说理，老美貌似不喜欢说太多空话。
差不多就这些，楼主看看我说的也不一定对，参考一下就好，建议加强一下语法，楼主的结构是没什么大问题的。大家一起加油~~~

Endies

Independent Writing：
Do you agree or disagree with the following statement:
The next twenty years from now on, students will not use printed books any more.

Many changes in method of education have taken place in recent years. A lot of people are becoming more and more familiar with terms like online courses or distance learning. These changes have brought about the impression that printed book will one day be replaced bymaterial on the Internet, e-books or educative programs on television. However,I believe that printed books will always remain popular among students in thefuture.

First and foremost, modern method of education through internet or television cannot completely replace the traditional way. This is because students still need direct interaction with teachers and friends, which will help develop their critical thinking as well as social skills by exposing them to different viewpoints and discussions. In the traditional classroom setting, printed books play a central role. They give students the most fundamental knowledge with the help of teachers and raise many issues in the form of questions or case studies that enable students to discuss.

Secondly, printed book is the most accessible source of knowledge to most students. Many people may refute this, pointing out the increasing popularity of e-books and materials from the internet. However, we must admit the fact that in many countries, especially undeveloped or developing ones, not many students can get access to computer or internet. In contrast, it is much easier for them to buy a book at a bookstore.Therefore, printed books will still be valuable possessions of many students in the near future.

Last but not least, printed books have many advantages over other forms of materials. Most importantly, they are easy to handle and friendly to the eyes. They allow students to take note, highlight and write comments on important points. Additionally, electronic books might be easier to carry around but it cannot be used in places without access to electricity and the internet or if there is a technology failure.

In conclusion, I truly believe printed books will still remain an important tool of education in twenty years despite some of the oblivious advantages of modern tools using technology.

xeyyxzty

粘贴的格式有点怪哈，就给你发附件了~见谅