渣渣作文求狠批

aoyun6334358

one9037476 发表于 2013-4-9 22:01
4.9独立
Perhaps no issue is talked about as commonly as scientific development. Nowadays, as our co ...

4.9独立
Perhaps no issue is talked about(如果想强调正在被讨论我觉得 is being talked 更符合这个状态) as commonly as scientific development. Nowadays, as our country is becoming more and more powerful both politically and economically, topic concerning whether the government should support the scientific research despite of its (it) seemingly few practical utilization value has triggered an intense discussion. In my point of view, the revenue of our country has not been that abundant and there's still tremendous education and public health expenditure to spend(如果你想强调国家的税收还没有如此的富裕，我们还有在教育个医疗方面需要钱的话，我觉得加个 so much 形容 abundant，表程度，用not only...but also...更能有强调的意味。), nevertheless, taking all the elements into consideration, I strongly deem that it's a must to continue scientific research.

On top of my argument, reflecting those scientific research in the past, we can easily find that many important scientific discovery which we view today is of great importance(你是想说重大意义吗 with significance要不我觉得出现两个谓语动词了 view 和 is) is meaningless under the specific historical period when they are undertaking. Take NewTon for example, as is known to all, he set the classical mechanics. It is definitely significant in the current launch of aircrafts and satellites to set them into accurate orbit. However, at that time, his behaviour was viewed by people as something useless, with nothing to do with the secular life. After all, every one was occupied with sorts of affairs and no one cares questions like why apple jumped directly to the earth as it got mature. Hence, I'm confident that it's still worthwhile to seek advance in science as it probably has magnificent reasonable and feasible application in the near future.

In addition, there is no denying that the force of science and technology is a critical factor in national comprehensive force. And one of the leader Deng has ever said that "science and technology are the primary productive forces". And you will draw impressive lessons with a simple reflect on the history of our country in the past several hundred year. For a long term, science and technology are not put into such a critical role by generations of emperors in power. When European scientists are engaged in figuring out the composition elements of a certain chemical, elites in China all are burning themselves in politics or literature. And after merely several hundred years, we were far fell behind other countries in the aspect of science, and clearly we were beaten in most war against invading countries.

Further more, indisputably it's of great necessity to combine the piece of efforts of all the government together to make human beings comprehend natural and universe more profound. A recent survey conducted by New York University indicates that when being asked whether they are desirable to shoulder the cost of surfing the unknown world despite their comparatively low degree of being applicable, the majority give the positive response. Some government officials assume that the other countries’ efforts are enough to look into the unknown. Whereas, if every country think like this, no country is inspired to do so. Thus, every country should burden at least part of the responsibility to make human more scientifically advanced.
After my ruminating all the factors, the possible potential application, the urgency to improve our scientific competition force, and the significance of working for the welfare of all human beings are all compelling justifications for the necessity to continue the all the scientific research. As you know, the step foreward of science is endless.
我改的不多，应该你的英语功底不错吧！我读下来感觉有点费脑的感觉，好多长句子，有点透不过气来，加一点长短结合比较好了吧！我觉得你这里许多词语用的比较地道，我是渣渣应该想你学习，最后一点 ，字数貌似多了点 400左右正好啊！

one9037476

    4.25独立  
    Perhaps no issue is talked about as commonly as art and society throughout the world. Nowadays, as more and more people have fulfill their material needs thus thought more about spiritual happiness and the government have comparatively abundant revenue to spend , topic concerning whether the government should support artists or artists should support themselves has triggered an intense discussion. In my point of view, either to support or not has its internal merits and demerits, nevertheless, after taking all the elements into consideration, I thought it's necessary that the government should fund at least some of the artists.

   On top of my argument, virtually, a tremendous number of potential youngsters needs funds to grow to be real artists. It can be a tragedy as many of the potential artists have showed extraordinary talent in art since they were very young but did not have a chance to further their art schooling. Take my brother Tom for example, when he was only 8, he burned himself in Chinese traditional painting every day, and had an intense desire to be distinguished artists like Qi Baishi or Zhen Banqiao. When he was in grade 2 in primary school, he won a championship in the annual painting competition of our town. Unfortunately, his family didn't have much property and was not able to afford the high fees in art school. And ultimately, Tom had to bury his dream deep in his heart. Now he works as a common person in a paper industry. What if the government assist him a bit when he's young?

    In addition, there is no denying that the government can achieve the objective of eliminating those unhealthy art content through funding conditionally. That is, government support those artist whose art crafts are likely to have a positive influence on the citizens, while ignoring those artists who might convey negative thoughts to the public.

   Further more, it's a decent way to create a favourable atmosphere for the artist to make excellent works. They no longer need to worry about how to satisfied their basic needs, so the free mind and euphoric mood is prone to splendid inspiration .A recent survey conducted by New York University indicates that when being asked which kind of way of earning a life plays a most salutary role in creating masterpieces, the majority of the artists vote of the conditions under which government support them.

   After my ruminating all the factors, the necessity and urgency to discover potential talent of the young people, the indirect effects to partly optimize the art industry and the favourable atmosphere it creates for artists, are all compelling justifications for the superiority for the government to support the artists. I sincerely hope that artists could create exceptional art crafts in return .

sherlock1992

one9037476 发表于 2013-4-25 12:22
4.25独立  
    Perhaps no issue is talked about as commonly as art and society throughout the wo ...

Perhaps no issue is talked about as commonly as art and society throughout the world. Nowadays, as more and more people have fulfilled their material needs thus thought((think) more about spiritual happiness and the government have comparatively abundant revenue to spend , topic concerning whether the government should support artists or artists should support themselves has triggered an intense discussion. In my point of view, either to support or not has its internal merits and demerits, nevertheless, after taking all the elements into consideration, I thought it's necessary that the government should fund at least some of the artists.

   On top of my argument(on top of另外，还有。我感觉这里好像不适合）, virtually, a tremendous number of potential youngsters needs funds to grow to be real artists. It can be a tragedy as many of the potential artists have showed extraordinary talent in art since they were very young but did not have a chance to further their art schooling. Take my brother Tom for example, when he was only 8, he burned(burdened) himself in Chinese traditional painting every day, and had an intense desire to be distinguished artists(a distinguished artist) like Qi Baishi or Zhen Banqiao. When he was in grade 2 in primary school, he won a championship in the annual painting competition of our town. Unfortunately, his family didn't have much property and was not able to afford the high fees in art school. And ultimately, Tom had to bury his dream deep in his heart. Now he works as a common person in a paper industry. What if the governments assist him a bit when he's young?

    In addition, there is no denying that the government can achieve the objective of eliminating those unhealthy art contents through funding conditionally. That is, government supports those artists whose art crafts are likely to have a positive influence on the citizens, while ignoring those artists who might convey negative thoughts to the public.(body要丰盈一些，有例子和结论）

   Further more, it's a decent way to create a favourable atmosphere for the artist to make excellent works. They no longer need to worry about how to satisfied(satisfy) their basic needs, so the free mind and euphoric mood is prone to(be prone to 后接sth.时，通常是一些不好或有害的东西） splendid inspiration .A recent survey conducted by New York University indicates that when being asked which kind of way of earning a life plays a most salutary role in creating masterpieces, the majority of the artists vote of the conditions under which government support them. (vote in the conditions of which...)

   After my ruminating(ruminate的主语是？） all the factors, the necessity and urgency to discover potential talent of the young people, the indirect effects to partly optimize the art industry and the favourable atmosphere it creates for artists, are all compelling justifications for(of) the superiority for(of) the government to support the artists. I sincerely hope that artists could(can) create exceptional art crafts in return .
注意语法，introduction和conclusion要少，body要多，用词要准确，尽量别用特别绕来绕去的句子。这几天特别忙，没有按时给你批改，非常抱歉。

one9037476

4.29独立
  Perhaps no issue is talked about as commonly as occupation by people throughout the world. Nowadays as people find it more and more difficult to seek out an ideal job and consider a job opportunity systematically, topic concerning whether steady-income job is better than its counterpart which pay higher but probably lose easier has raised to a heated debate. In my point of view, either of the job opportunities has its own merits and demerits, nevertheless, after taking all the elements into consideration, I assert that a comparatively lower in income but more stable job is better.

    On top of my argument, a stable job make life more rhythmed. Once you know you would work in the company for a long period of life, you can arrange your life smoothly. You probably understand when your work is busy and can go out for a trip. your principal life will make you form assort favorable habit like getting up early, or go for a walk in the nearby park after dinner, something you can never obtain from a uncertain job. Take my brother Tom for example, he is a computer saler always have to seek for the optimal place to make business. When the sale is good, he would stay there and earn large sum of money. While, when the business there is bad. He had to struggle for a better place to do the job. Overall, he earns a considerable sum of  money annually, he has a awful health condition due to his uncertain life style.Everytime, he visits my parents, I always hear him complaining about his unfavorable life and deciding to switch to a more stable job.

   Further more, there is no denying that people had to pay the switch cost when changing job, which narrow their advantage in income. Once changing a occupation, people may have to find another place to live, while it's not always effortless to find such a place. What's more, when people have children, changing house frequently is definitely doing damage to the kids' study and growing up. Because they always have to spend some time to adapt themselves to the new environment.

   In addition, working in a job steady is prone to promotion several years later. That is if you work on a certain field for a long period, you are doubtlessly compliant than others in working efficiency, which directly guarantee your career property. On the contrary, you have to deal with the new social network, thus making you pay less attention on the work. A recent survey conducted by New York University indicates when being asked which contribute most to the long-lasting success, the majority of the elites vote for the steady work environment.

    After my ruminating all the factors, the life convenience it brought, the absence of various switch cost and the higher possibility for promotion are all compelling justifications for the superiority of the steady job. As student just start our career, it is high time that we should choose such an occupation.

scartter

Perhaps no issue is talked about as commonly as occupation by people throughout the world. Nowadays as people find it more and more difficult to seek out an ideal job and consider a job opportunity systematically, topic concerning whether steady-income job is better than its counterpart which pay higher but probably lose easier has raised to a heated debate. In my point of view, either of the job opportunities has its own merits and demerits, nevertheless, after taking all the elements into consideration, I assert that a comparatively lower in income but more stable job is better.On (the)top of my argument, a stable job make life more rhythmed. Once you know you would work in the company for a long period of life, you can arrange your life smoothly. You probably understand when your work is busy and can go out for a trip. (busy还要去旅行？)your principal life will make you form assort (form和assort都是动词，选一个或者中间用and)favorable habit （habits）like getting up early, or go for a walk in the nearby park after dinner, something you can never obtain from a uncertain job. Take my brother Tom for example, he is a computer saler always have to seek for the optimal place to make business. When the sale is good, he would stay there and earn (a) large sum of money. While, when the business there is bad. (上一句不是下一句的条件吗。。。直接用逗号就可以了)He had（have） to struggle for a better place to do the job(to do the job加在这里是什么意思). Overall, he earns a considerable sum of money annually, he has a （an）awful health condition due to his uncertain lifestyle.Everytime, he visits my parents, I always hear him complaining about his unfavorable life and deciding to switch to a more stable job.(例子说完后再来个段内小结)Furthermore, there is no denying that people had to pay the switch（switched形容词） cost when changing job, which narrow(narrowing) their advantage in income. Once changing a (an)occupation, people may have to find another place to live, while it's not always effortless to find such a place. What's more, when people have children, changing house frequently is definitely doing damage to the kids' study and growing up. Because they always have to spend some time to adapt themselves to the new environment.(这一段应该是说换工作要花钱的，但是有几乎一半在说对孩子的学业不好，建议举个例子什么的稍微多论证一下主题再说孩子的事。)In addition, working in a job steady （steady job） is prone to promotion several years later. （感觉这句读出来怪怪的，可以写成having a steady job makes promotion after several years later possible.）That is if you work on a certain field for a long period, you are doubtlessly compliant than others in working efficiency, （逗号之前的没懂。。是不是可以写成you are doubtlessly work more efficient than others?）which directly guarantee your career property. On the contrary, you have to deal with the new social network, thus making(makes) you pay less attention on（to） the work. A recent survey conducted by New York University indicates (that)when being asked (about)which (factor)contribute (contributes)most to the long-lasting success, the majority of the elites vote for the steady work environment.（依旧需要有个段内小结，这样结构才完整）After my ruminating all the factors, the life convenience it brought, the absence of various switch（switched） cost and the higher possibility for promotion are all compelling justifications for the superiority of the steady job. As student (students)just start our career, it is high time that we should choose such an occupation.


结构语法需要再注意，加油！