Tancy4月20一战 求指导！

yzwdan818

3.13

In present society, some people have continuously stressed the importance of personal independence and focus more on individual’s capability, because of this competition intense society(intensely competitive society). However, cooperating with others tend(s) to move remarkably, creatively and comprehensively. Cooperation substantially boosts productivity and it is the reason why（that） most of today’s companies like to use the team-work(teamwork) to overcome the difficult and enhance efficiency. For theses reasons, I agree that cooperation is increasingly playing a vital role in modern society.

First and foremost, cooperation can extremely expand ideas, thus shortening the time to find the optimal solution. To fit the competition, there is no denying that the optimal way will dead（lead） you to the best effect. For instance, in ICT project management, exploring the option is the most important part of feasibility analysis. As it is known to all that most of the examples of failure in program management is(are) caused by missing the phase of exploring the option and lacking of cooperation with the stakeholders. That is, the better quality leads to not only the bigger competitive edge but also the higher capability of facing risk. Therefore, cooperation is our preferred method to foster all people ideas and put them into action in order to achieve collective growth. (感觉这段话的例子写得很牵强，感觉像是硬凑上去的)

Further, cooperation can not only enhance the quality of the work, but also increase the efficiency. Cooperation in a group must have a clear division, and precisely（副词用得很奇怪）because of this reason, the organization has the reliable efficiency. Undoubtedly, it can improve the superiority. For example, to compete for a project bidding, who can accomplish a best project plan in the shortest time will gain more benefit for their teams. Therefore, we cannot emphasize the importance of ensuring efficiency too much in this age.

Last but not least, cooperation as old saying goes, there must be one out of three who can be your teacher. We can learn from each other during the cooperation, including communication skills, professional knowledge and appropriate behavior in the organization. More precisely, Carly Barton is a classic example. Failure to communicate with her staffs, finally cause his departure from HP. So, efficient cooperation, especially effective communication with others is indispensable.

Granted, both in the past and present, completion have always been there. Relatively, cooperation has been an essential anchor as well. However, in today society, cooperation which helps people grasp more opportunity to win the competition has various benefits as list above. Therefore, cooperation plays a more vital role in the more den society rather than before.

全文很多单词之间没有空格不知道是怎么回事，很多动词单复数的错误，有比较多的单词错误，单词重复率也比较高。段意也比较奇怪，整体看来觉得论证过程不清晰，看得不是很的舒服。建议你先别掐时间，好好写一篇文章，避免这么简单错误。

-- by 会员 yzwdan818 (2013/3/18 22:56:44)

我用word写完粘上来就有好多空格丢掉了，我也不知道怎么回事……
我一直都不太清楚例子要怎么举吖， 可不可以给我点建议呢
还有逻辑这个东西……有的时候为了凑3段就显得有点牵强了 不知道有没有什么办法可以改善呢？
还有一个月就考了，我有点捉急我的作文吖 也不知道是应该背范文呢还是怎么办

-- by 会员 Tancyfox (2013/3/19 10:08:22)

你还有一个月不要太着急啊，慢慢练，现在可以先不掐时间写，然后写不了三段就不写三段，写两段，写详细一点也是可以的，我就一直只写两段，然后举例子，可以举名人的例子，举不出来就那身边的人举例子，举完例子可以在和段首句呼应总结一下，这样可能会比较好吧。其实我也是最近才开始练作文，30号就要考了，我也没什么经验，你可以看看别人都怎么说。加油！！

Tancyfox

Independent Writing:
Do you agree or disagree with the following statement?
The rules that the whole societies today expect toyoung people to follow and obey are too strict.

In thepresent society, young people are requested so strictly by public that many ofthem complain about the harsh rules composed on them. The reason why the requestsfor young people are considered too stern to follow is mainly due to tworeasons. On the one hand, are these kinds of rules reasonable? On the otherhand, is it necessary for young people to follow or obey these stringent rules?Since this phenomenon is existed, there must be some reasons for it. Therefore,through the analyzing of three different dimensions, we can easily find theconclusion.

First andforemost, from the working dimension, the modern society expects young people toland a good job immediately after their graduation. In order to meet therequirements of the society and the job, young people need to master not onlyprofessional skills, but also many other skills to ensure the success ofcatching up the position. However, there is no denying that, the education in today’ssociety does not provide these sources to the new generation. Their own capabilityis far from fitting the high expectation of older generations. Therefore, therules that whole societies wish young people to follow is not reasonable.

Further,from the studying dimension, the social value in the modern society is thateveryone should contend for the first place. This social value lead people oftenignore of the ultimately more crucial thing, which is personal interest. That isto say, this kind of social value or social rules are not matched with the essentialgoal of education. This kind of mindset poses a great threat to the physicaland psychological health of the new generation. Thus, some of the existing criteriaare no need for the whole society, and people even do not need to obey them.

Last butnot least, from the living dimension, the seniority looks forward to seeingthat young people can keep and absorb as many traditional or obsoleteconceptions as possible. Yet, it is widely acknowledged that part of theperception has been not adaptive for the whole society, even does harm to the socialdevelopment. So, it is undoubtedly that the new generation does not need to followand obey the obsolete rules as expected by today’s society.

Granted,some of the social rules are the basic responsibility for young people to obey,and they even contribute to the social stabilization. However, as the reasonsmentioned above, there is no doubt that rules are too stringent to follow andobey by the young people.
昨天忘记占座了，哪位好心人路过的时候可以帮我改一改吖~~
还有，划线的呢个句子我改了几次也表达不好，拜托各位大神可不可以给点意见吖…………我语法一直学不好了，有些写句子很别扭………………

Tancyfox

Independent Writing:
Do you agree or disagreewith the following statement?
Younger people spend moretime on improving the world than in the past.

In modern society, the most of the seniority remainconcerned about the new generation with their irresponsibility and having lessexperience to bear hardships. The elders doubted whether the young can handlethe task of improving the world. However, once they know what is the incentiveof young people to ameliorate the world, as well as what are the foundationsthat ensure young people having the ability to better the world, they would changetheir mind.

First and foremost, there is no denying that today’syoung people have more chance and ability to participate in the politicalprocess rather than in the past, that is to say, young people have excellent policyfoundation. In the present society, the voting rights have already become oneof the great privileges as well as responsibilities of a democratic society, regardlessof gender and social position. For this reason, objectively, young people incurrent society have more time and more opportunity to perform theirresponsibilities to improve the world.

Further, it is widely acknowledged that most of thenew generations live in the country with the prosperous economy and wealthylife, which means they have a better material foundation than before. Better yet,most of the young people can gain the financial support and entrepreneurialopportunity, that is to say young people in present society have the superiorityof using economical means to improve the world. Specifically, for young people,they have chance to run their own business which will undoubtedly expand the employmentto achieve the economic development.

Last but not least, due to the strict expectationof elders, today’s youth accept higher education, both in breadth and depth,than those people in the past. There is no doubt that the new generations aremore confident, knowledgeable, and even with a much broader perspective. Moreprecisely, only having the real inner strength, people are able to face the variabledifficulties and risks on the way to change the world. With these qualities, enhancingthe world will not be only a dream.

Granted, whatever the generation, most of the peoplehave the responsibility of benefiting the society with their own efforts.However, the youth in the modern society can devote more time on the noblecause, thus, improving the world.

lihaolan

3.20

Independent Writing:
Do you agree or disagreewith the following statement?
Younger people spend moretime on improving the world than in the past.

In modern society, the most of the seniority remain concerned about the new generation with their irresponsibility and having less experience to bear hardships. The elders doubted（doubts） whether the young can handle the task of improving the world. However, once they know what is the incentive of young people to ameliorate the world, as well as what are the foundations that ensure young people having the ability to better the world, they would change their mind.

First and foremost, there is no denying that today’s young people have more chance and ability to participate in the political process rather than in the past, that is to say, young people have excellent policy(political) foundation. In the present society, the voting rights have already become one of the great privileges as well as responsibilities of a democratic society, regardless of gender and social position. For this reason, objectively, young people in current society have more time(political foundation和more time 的关系要说一下) and more opportunity to perform their responsibilities to improve the world.（这段问题在于题目是说青年是不是用更多时间去改变世界，而你这里说青年有更多机会改变世界，直接的关系需要强调）

Further, it is widely acknowledged that most of the new generations live in the country with the prosperous economy and wealthy life, which means they have a better material foundation than before. Better yet, most of the young people can gain the financial support and entrepreneurial opportunity, that is to say young people in present society have the superiority of using economical means to improve the world. Specifically, for young people, they have chance to run their own business which will undoubtedly expand the employment（reduce the unemployment更好）to achieve the economic development.（问题同上）

Last but not least, due to the strict expectation of elders, today’s youth accept higher education, both in breadth and depth, than those people in the past. There is no doubt that the new generations are more confident, knowledgeable, and even with a much broader perspective. More precisely, only having the real inner strength, people are able to face the variable difficulties and risks on the way to change the world. With these qualities, enhancing the world will not be only a dream.

Granted, whatever the generation, most of the people have the responsibility of benefiting the society with their own efforts. However, the youth in the modern society can devote more time on the noble cause, thus（没看懂。）, improving the world.

句子，语法没什么问题，你没有扣住主题，认真审题！！！！！

Tancyfox

3.20

Independent Writing:
Do you agree or disagreewith the following statement?
Younger people spend moretime on improving the world than in the past.

In modern society, the most of the seniority remain concerned about the new generation with their irresponsibility and having less experience to bear hardships. The elders doubted（doubts） whether the young can handle the task of improving the world. However, once they know what is the incentive of young people to ameliorate the world, as well as what are the foundations that ensure young people having the ability to better the world, they would change their mind.

First and foremost, there is no denying that today’s young people have more chance and ability to participate in the political process rather than in the past, that is to say, young people have excellent policy(political) foundation. In the present society, the voting rights have already become one of the great privileges as well as responsibilities of a democratic society, regardless of gender and social position. For this reason, objectively, young people in current society have more time(political foundation和more time 的关系要说一下) and more opportunity to perform their responsibilities to improve the world.（这段问题在于题目是说青年是不是用更多时间去改变世界，而你这里说青年有更多机会改变世界，直接的关系需要强调）

Further, it is widely acknowledged that most of the new generations live in the country with the prosperous economy and wealthy life, which means they have a better material foundation than before. Better yet, most of the young people can gain the financial support and entrepreneurial opportunity, that is to say young people in present society have the superiority of using economical means to improve the world. Specifically, for young people, they have chance to run their own business which will undoubtedly expand the employment（reduce the unemployment更好）to achieve the economic development.（问题同上）

Last but not least, due to the strict expectation of elders, today’s youth accept higher education, both in breadth and depth, than those people in the past. There is no doubt that the new generations are more confident, knowledgeable, and even with a much broader perspective. More precisely, only having the real inner strength, people are able to face the variable difficulties and risks on the way to change the world. With these qualities, enhancing the world will not be only a dream.

Granted, whatever the generation, most of the people have the responsibility of benefiting the society with their own efforts. However, the youth in the modern society can devote more time on the noble cause, thus（没看懂。）, improving the world.

句子，语法没什么问题，你没有扣住主题，认真审题！！！！！

-- by 会员 lihaolan (2013/3/21 14:02:44)

当时理思路的时候还觉得蛮顺的，一写下来就跑偏了，感觉一直不能一针见血的戳到要点吖……哭了，这个怎么能改善一下啊，有没有什么好办法呢
还有就是……我的逻辑吖……好像一直是硬伤，经常出现点上下文联系不紧什么的……都快考试了……好急

Tancyfox

IndependentWriting:
Do you agreeor disagree with the following statement?
Nowadays, neighborsdepend on each other’s less than the people in the past.

In present society, people in growing number tendto adapt with a more independent, efficient and fast-paced life style, for thisreason, it is not uncommon that the communication between neighbors is definitelydecreased.  Admittedly, nowadays,neighbors live far apart and some of the individual even live in isolated houses.So there is no denying that people are too busy to know each other, andcertainly not have a chance to communicate. Though there are many high-tech approachesto solving the problems, such as through the internet, some special problem indeedneed assistance from neighbors.

First and foremost, neighbors can be the spiritualpillar for that homesick person who is living far away from hometown byoneself, struggling in a strange city with the great pressure. For instance, thepeople who need to work in an unfamiliar city will often feel friendless and helpless,especially when some of them have weak self-ability. Especially in today’sfast-paced environment, neighbors leaning on each other which help them relievestress and increase enjoyment will definitely make them feel more or less athome. Therefore, neighbors should depend on each other more rather than in thepast.

Further, neighbors not only make the people feel athome, but also bring people the sense of belonging. Belonging is a kind ofemotion which get increasingly emphasis by new generation is vital to the socialharmony and stability, with this emotion people that tend to contribute more tothe community, the company and the city they lived in. the dependence onneighbors indeed exerts profound impacts on their belonging, for this reason, dependenceshows the vital significance on neighborhoods.

Last but not least, surely, there is no doubt that moderntechnology assists people a lot on their daily life. However, when people face theemergency, the efficient internet, the sophisticated systems, even advanced equipmentcannot do anything for people. This point is best illustrated with the examplethat if someone has a new born baby or pet at home, but he does not have enoughtime to take care of it, how can the advanced technology help you handle that? Underthis situation, neighbors are always giving you a hand. So it is too simply tosay that the most advanced technology can help people do everything, instead, neighborscan take care of you and help you deal with the emergency, especially for thepeople under fast-pace life.

Granted, cutting edge technology simplifies individual’slife and high-rise buildings distance the relationship within neighbors. However,the importance of neighbors cannot be replaced by any other things. More exactly,neighbors need to lean on each other particularly in the present society.

Tancyfox

24 March

Independent Writing:

Do you agree or disagree with the followingstatement?

It is important for governmentto protect wild animals and wilderness areas for future generation

Nowadays, when people express their regretand sorrow about the aftermath caused by catastrophes, such as floods, droughts,fires and mud-rock flow, increasingly numbers of people realized the importanceof protecting the environment. Moreover, Rachel Carson’s “Silent Spring”published in 1962 also gave people and national government a serious cautionthat it is vital to protect wild animals and wilderness areas. Therefore wecannot emphasize the importance of protecting the wild animals and wildernessareas.

First and foremost, scientists alwaysequate guarding the wild creatures with guarding the diversity of animals andplants. It is universally acknowledged that biodiversity has the direct utilityvalue, indirect utility value and potential utility value which provide thebasic material of human life. Moreover, biodiversity also has aesthetic valueswhich can not only nurture the temperament, but also glorify contemporary life.If charm of nature disappears from people’s sight, the world will insipid and toneless.Better yet, biodiversity can provide inspiration when the artists create their artisticworks. Therefore, guarding the wild animal is a critical responsibility for thenational government.

Further, to safeguard the other creaturesliving on the earth and their natural habitat, in a way, is to keep the balanceof nature. More exactly, keeping the balance of nature means implementing the sustainabledevelopment in which resource use aims to meet human needs while preserving theenvironment so that these needs can be met not only in the present, but alsofor generations to come. Without carrying out sustainable development, theresources on earth will dramatically dried up. So, it is undoubtedly that, as aglobal citizen, every person has the responsibility of protecting wildernessareas and wild animals for the future generation.

Last but not least, one of the most essentialreasons for strongly promotes the principle that government should protect thewild animals and a wildness area is to set a good example for the futuregeneration. If human can enforce the concept of sustainable development, it willmentally influence every generation to keep it going. Only in this way will wegain the harmony between human and nature.

All in all, 110 Nobel Prize winners hadappealed together that because the human’s activities have made the irreversibledamage of wilderness environment, we need to put best effort into environmentalprotection to ensure mankind's survival. Therefore it is no doubt that governmentneed to protect the biodiversity and eco-environment for future generation.

viviyl

In present society, people in growing number tend to adapt with(to) a more independent, efficient and fast-paced life style, for this reason, it is not uncommon that the communication between neighbors is definitely decreased.  Admittedly, nowadays, neighbors live far apart and some of the individual even live in isolated houses. So there is no denying that people are too busy to know each other, and certainly not have a chance to communicate. Though there are many high-tech approaches to solving the problems, such as through the internet, some special problem indeed need assistance from neighbors.

First and foremost, neighbors can be the spiritual pillar for that homesick person who is living far away from hometown by one self, struggling in a strange city with the great pressure. For instance, the people who need to work in an unfamiliar city will often feel friendless and helpless, especially when some of them have weak self-ability. Especially(刚用过了，换一个，particularly) in today’s fast-paced environment, neighbors leaning on each other which help them relieve stress and increase enjoyment will definitely make them feel more or less at home. Therefore, neighbors should depend on each other more rather than in the past.(这一段是论证邻里互助的必要性，似乎不能支持题目的论点。题目是说现代人比过去人更少依赖邻居，是陈述一个事实，你这段话是说邻里应该互相帮助，是一个价值问题。价值和事实是不对等的)

Further, neighbors not only make the people feel at home, but also bring people the sense of belonging. Belonging(Sense of belonging) is(改成逗号，后面已经有谓语is了) a kind of emotion which get(s) increasingly emphasis by new generation(,) is vital to the social harmony and stability, with this emotion people that tend to contribute more to the community, the company and the city they lived in.(缺谓语) The dependence on neighbors indeed exerts profound impacts on their belonging, for this reason, dependence shows the vital significance on neighborhoods.

Last but not least, surely, there is no doubt that modern technology assists people a lot on their daily life. However, when people face the emergency, the efficient internet, the sophisticated systems, (and)even advanced equipment cannot do anything for people. This point is best illustrated with the example that if someone has a new born baby or pet at home, but he does not have enough time to take care of it, how can the advanced technology help you handle that? Under this situation, neighbors are always giving you a hand. So it is too simply to say that the most advanced technology can help people do everything, instead, (两句之间缺连词)neighbors can take care of you and help you deal with the emergency, especially for the people under fast-pace life.

Granted, cutting edge technology simplifies individual’s life and high-rise buildings distance the relationship within neighbors. However, the importance of neighbors cannot be replaced by any other things. More exactly, neighbors need to lean on each other particularly in the present society.

用词很好~语言表达也很流畅自然~

唯一不足的就是有点偏题了。题目在陈述一个事实，而全篇都在论述邻里互助的必要性。又邻里互助很重要是推不出现今人们很少依靠邻居这个问题的。

Tancyfox

viviyl 发表于 2013-3-25 19:19
In present society, people in growing number tend to adapt with(to) a more independent, efficient a ...

总结一下~
这次写的思路又偏了 本来应该讨论实然的给我写成应然了，把主观意愿的句子都改掉才对
貌似我写偏了好几篇文章了………………主要精力都放在句子语法上了…………下篇一定在思路上下功夫…………
谢谢你的修改呐~共勉~

Tancyfox

27 March

IndependentWriting:

Do you agree ordisagree with the following statement?

The parents spend too much time on determining futurethings of children. Children can make choices by their own.

In the present society, many parents overprotecttheir children especially in the country with the One-Child policy. So, whetherparents should spend time in deciding their children’s future has triggered muchcontroversy. Scrupulous person will find out that parents always veto theirchildren’s decision and determine future things for them in the course of theirgrowing up.

First and foremost, it is not unusual tosee this phenomenon that, the age of the student who stat learning in supplementary class tends to be much younger. This phenomenon can be seen not only in supplementary class, but also in the interest class. Because reluctantly learning the skills,youth can gain very poor benefits from those courses. Strange as it may seem, interference by parents may hinder the development of children’s interests. Moreover, mostof the new generations have their own ideas about their hobbies and interests. If they can make choices for themselves, they will feel more motivated. Therefore, parents have to admit that let children make choices by their own is a better wayfor their growth.

Further, more and more parents tend to helpthe undergraduate arrange the work, such as inheriting the family company or succeedtheir own position. However, there is no denying that these parents neglect the youth’s ambitions and aspirations. So, parents’ decision not always do good things for the youth which means that, their persistence may make their children face an awkward dilemma that should they listen to their parents orchase their own dream. So, parents need to know that students can decidetheir own career planning and take responsibility for their decisions.

Last but not least, the interference of parents also reveals on the new generation’s emotional life. More exactly, Elders always regard their children’s happiness through their own experience in a subjectivity way. However, as the old saying goes, Happiness just like drinking water, onlythe one who drank it knows hot or cold. Youth have the rights to choose their appropriate emotional life which need them to strive for and pursue it. It is undoubtedly that happiness is one of the major life events, and for this reason, parents should give this option to their child rather than making the decision bythemselves.

Granted, parents have much life experience which can help young people avoid detours. However, it is time to give theoption to the youth and let them live their own life.

求教划线的句子，要表达这么个意思，我不知道怎么改了，总觉得语法上不对…………