TWE 176 please help me check my poor composition

blackcoffee

176. Holidays honor people or events. If you could create a new holiday, what person or event would it honor and how would you want people to celebrate it? Use specific reasons and details to support your answer.

Although we have some holidays to honor people and events and these holidays bring us happy and make us remember some meaning case. From my own pinion of view, I will strongly suggest we crease a plant tree day to compensate the shorten of holidays and my reasons are list as follows.

To begin with, trees become more and more important for our ecosystem balance. In past several decades, due to the lack of the consciousness of the importance of trees, a great deal of tree was felled and this causes the ecosystem degage.  Now we undergo the punishment, such as global warming, land deserting and so on. Take a example of our home town, with the development industry and the improvement of life level, people cut down the trees surrounding us and plant more crops to earn more money. But with the decrease of the trees, people find the pest increase and the amount of rain decrease. Until now the people know the importance of the trees. They start to plant the tree to redeem the past. From this, can we doubt the importance of the trees?

The second reason for why I want to crease a plant tree is that more trees will bring a health environment for our lives. Because trees can cleanse the air by photosynthesis, people who live in an industry city and encounter a heavy polluted air due to the shorten of the trees will benefit from the activity of plant more trees surrounding us. Let us come to the activity for ourselves health.

Last but not least, let us leave a green land for offspring. With the use of the land for industry and housing, the green land become less and less. In order to let our offspring have a pure land to live, we think we should crease a day which make plant tree consciousness put people’s mind.

To sum up, given the reasons discussed above, we can safely arrive at the conclusion that creasing a plant tree day is so important and let us pay more attention on the plant day for ourselves and our offspring.

hncsxj

以下是引用blackcoffee在2004-11-26 8:57:00的发言：

176. Holidays honor people or events. If you could create a new holiday, what person or event would it honor and how would you want people to celebrate it? Use specific reasons and details to support your answer.

Although we have some holidays to honor people and events， and these holidays bring us happyness and make us remember some meaning cases. From my own pinion of view, I will strongly suggest we crease a planting-tree day to compensate the shorten(?) of holidays and my reasons are listed as follows.

To begin with, trees become more and more important forto our ecosystem balance. In the past several decades, due to the lack of the consciousness of the importance of trees, a great deal(只能用于不可数） of trees was felled and this causes the ecosystem degage.  Now we undergo the punishment, such as global warming, land deserting and so on. Take a example of our home town, with the development industry and the improvement of life level, people cut down the trees surrounding us and plant more crops to earn more money. But with the decrease of the trees, people find the pest increase and the amount of rain decrease. Until now the people know the importance of the trees. They start to plant the tree to redeem the past. From this, can we doubt the importance of the trees?

The second reason for why I want to crease a plant tree is that more trees will bring a health environment for our lives. Because trees can cleanse the air by photosynthesis, people who live in an industry city and encounter a heavy polluted air due to the shorten of the trees will benefit from the activity of plant more trees surrounding us. Let us come to the activity for ourselves health.

Last but not least, let us leave a green land for offspring. With the use of the land for industry and housing, the green land become less and less. In order to let our offspring have a pure land to live, we think we should crease a day which make plant tree consciousness put people’s mind.

To sum up, given the reasons discussed above, we can safely arrive at the conclusion that creasing a plant tree day is so important and let us pay more attention on the plant day for ourselves and our offspring.

这位朋友，建议先自己改一下。有些很基本的错误。也可以练习您语法，写作的能力。

blackcoffee

谢谢你的建议，我改了一下。请多指教。

Although we have some holidays to honor people and events and these holidays bring us happy and make us remember some meaning case. From my pinion of view, I strongly suggest we create a planting tree day to compensate the lack of holidays and my reasons are list as follows.

To begin with, trees become more and more important to our ecosystem balance. In past several decades, due to the lack of the consciousness of the importance of trees, a lot of trees were felled and this caused the ecosystem damage.  Now we start to undergo the punishment that the nature does, such as global warming, land deserting and so on. Take a example of our home town to explain it, with the development industry and the need of housing, people cut down the trees surrounding us and plant more crops to earn more money. But due to the damage of the ecosystem, things go contrary to people’s wishes, the more the trees were cut, the less yields became. Until this time the people are aware of the importance of the trees and know tree plays an key role in keeping rain and protecting the natural enemies of pests. They start to plant the tree to redeem the blame. From this reality, do we still doubt the importance of the trees?

In addition, by creating a planting tree day more trees will be planted and this will bring a health environment for our lives. Because the air we breath can be cleansed by the trees by photosynthesis, thus people who live in an industry city and suffer from a heavy polluted air due to the lack of the trees will benefit from the activity of plant more trees surrounding us and can breath fresh air. Let us take the activity for ourselves health.

Last but not least, let us leave a green land for offspring. With the use of the land for industry and housing, the green land become less and less. In order to let our offspring have a pure land to live and entertain in their spare time, we think we should create a planting tree day which improve people’s consciousness and put people’s mind as a holiday.

To sum up, given the reasons discussed above, we can safely arrive at the conclusion that creasing a plant tree day is so important and let us pay more attention on the plant day for ourselves and our offspring.

hncsxj

以下是引用blackcoffee在2004-11-26 14:31:00的发言：

谢谢你的建议，我改了一下。请多指教。

Although we have some holidays to honor people and events and these holidays bring us happyness and make us remember some meaningful(meanning没错，可是meannigful顺点） cases. From my pinionpoint of view, I strongly suggest we create a Planting Tree Day to compensate the lack of holidays（是想说弥补没有这个节日的遗憾吗？我也不知英语该怎么说。汗！对于抽象的中文句子，最好不要直接翻译成英文） and my reasons are list as follows.

To begin with, trees become more and more important to our ecosystem balance. In the(特指） past several decades, due to the lack of the consciousness of the importance of trees, a lot of countless(加分词汇） trees were felled（查字典，=cut.要是你见过老外这么说，就这么用。要不，语义没错，可老外读的别扭） and this caused the ecosystem damageundesirable environmental disasters.(词汇多样化）  Now we start to undergoare undergoing the punishment that the nature exposes to usdoes, such asincluding(我觉得including用在这里好些，你再推敲） global warming, land deserting(好词，好例子） and so on. Take a example of our home town to explain it,（没见过这样表达的。常见的Take my hometown as an example) withBecause of (有逻辑关系，就尽量强调）the development of industry and the increasing needs offor housinghouses(housing指抽象意义的住宅）, people cut down the trees(泛指） surrounding us and then plant more crops to earn more money achieve economic growth(和工业对应）. But due to the damage of to the ecosystem, things do go contrary to people’s wishes.(有点别扭） The more the trees were cut, the less yields became. Until this time the people are aware of the importance of the trees and know trees plays an key role in keeping rain and protecting the natural enemies of pests. They start to plant the trees to redeem the blame. From this reality, do we still doubt the importance of the trees?

In addition, by creating a planting tree day, more trees will be planted and this will bring a healthy environment for our lives. Because the air we breath can be cleansed by the trees by photosynthesis of trees, thus people who live in an industry city and suffer from a heavy polluted air(句子语法没错，但结构冗长） due to the lack of the trees will benefit from the activity of planting more trees surrounding us and can breath fresh air. Let us take the activity for ourselves our health.

Last but not least, let us leave a green land for offspring.(ETS是考academic writing,这种句子不书面化） With the use of the land for industry and housing, the green land become less and less. In order to let our offspring have a pure land to live in and entertain in their spare time, we think we(和开头的I不一致） should create a planting tree day which improve people’s consciousness and put people’s mind as a holiday.to build public consensus in this issue(我从老外学术报告上抄的，这种口号放心用吧！）

To sum up, given the reasons discussed above, we can safely arrive at the conclusion that creasing a plant tree day is so important and let that is is necessary for us to pay more attention onto the plant day(?) for ourselves and our offsprings.

写得不错，用词很有专业背景的样子。中国化的句子太多。数，时态要注意。

blackcoffee

Thank you. I will try. Hi,toefl still annoy me and make me no time to other things.

pengstone

以下是引用blackcoffee在2004-11-27 0:19:00的发言：
Thank you. I will try. Hi,toefl still annoy me and make me no time to other things.

MM，不是俺吓你，申请可比考试烦多了。

加油，过了这关先。

hncsxj

我们blackcoffee从小就是吓大的，不怕！