求狠批，求互改

45573asdasd

The last decades have witnessed the dramatically economic growth. At the same time, we also hear the news that water pollution kills millions of villagers in the countryside. It is well know that environmental protection and economic development are all vital to us, because people cannot live a superior life without a good living environment（好句）. But we can not keep a balance between them. Especially atin recent day, we have found that our surroundings are going from bad to worse due to economic development. Consequently, I argue（这个词的意思正好和你得逻辑反） that the administration should dedicate more money to the environmental protection rather than to economic progress.

Fundamentally, environmental protection costs more money than economic development. Experience tells us that humans can quickly wreck the natural environment, but repairing it is a long, arduous process. For instance, the government has to invest huge amount of money to purchase trees and hire more people to afforest the barren land. Besides, maintaining a big area is quite costly. What is more, government also invests more money on research of developing green renewable energy, which may replace the fossil fuels and contrite greatly to the environmental protection. In contrast, economic development does not need such large amount of money. What the government should do is to continuously carry out policies that can really help boost the whole economy and supervise and guide every individual economic participant. These will be some tasks that require less money.（这一段写的很好，但是你的逻辑和论点始终不清楚。你到底支持哪一个也没有明确指出。你的论证要递进式儿不是跳跃式）

Subsequently, no individual has enough money and power to impede the fatal threat to the environment, thus the government should not deny the necessary responsibility to protect the environment.It is the government that has to pay more money to protect our environment, because government acquisition of goods and services intended to create future benefits（黄的是亮点）. Environment protection exerts long-term influences upon human beings and economic development. For example, protecting forests means we can have better air condition and more lumber supply in the future; protecting lakes and oceans means we can have cleaner water and more seafood. Both lumbers and water are crucial to the modern industry. However, it is barely possible for an individual investor to donate enough his income or savings to protect natural environment and consider the long-term merits instead of their own short-term payback

Admittedly, investing on economic development brings many benefits. It can make us more prosperous so that we can afford a great variety of merchandise. Additionally, it will aid the government to reduce the unemployment rate. However,no county in history has emerged as a major industrial power without creating a legacy environmental damage that can take decades and big dollops of public wealth to undo. Thus, I believe that preserve the environment is more fundamental. Otherwise, we will not be fine any more, not to mention relaxation, entertainment and so on. Therefore, government should expend more funds on protecting the environment.

Considering all the analysis above, I can safely come tothe conclusion that the government must focus its budgets more on ecological conservation rather than on economic advancement. Only in this way, can environment keep pace with the human and promote the advancement of the economy.
很不错了，你的词语掌握比我好。但我觉得这不太可能是30min的作品。你可以试着精简一些，你这篇文章中很多可有可无的重复性语言。。以后别再串着写作业了。
加油

brace1016

我的文章我自己都感觉我在凑字数。很多都是左想想右凑凑来的。还没有达到文思泉涌的境界。哎刚开始练习。能写出来就好。慢慢的修改。争取30分钟敲出像样的文章。

brace1016

24号独立

Independent Writing: Is it easier to maintain good health than in the past?

The last decades have witnessed the diversity of food supply, the improvement of medical resource and the soundness of sports facilities. The resource people received nowadays to keep fit are abundant. I firmly believe that it is easier to maintain good health than in the past. My reasons are stated as follow.

Fundamentally, the medical treatments improved dramatically to facilitate people to keep healthy in recent years. On the one hand, the technology development t helps to deal with some diseases, which used to puzzle to medical science. Thus medical advance means people can easily to maintain good health than in the past. On the other hand, government pays more attention on rural area medical development.It is well known that in the countryside many people died each year due to lacking of medical resource in the past. But now many hospitals are built each year in the country, and many skillful doctors are wiling to work in the countryside to help citizens to improve their healthy condition. The improvement of hospital and clinics in the poor countryside and the decrease in price of essential medicines enable more people to take care of their physical condition easily. A recent survey shows that 95% people in the country can receive timely medical treatments now. But 30 years ago, only 30% people can afford the medical treatments. The medical advance in modern society helps people to maintain healthy more easily compared to 30 years ago.

Subsequently, various food supply enable people to eat healthy nutrition to meet the physical need. People can choose what they like in the supermarket since all kinds of food are available. Thus it is easily to keep fit now. It is well known that in the past people could just solve the closing and food problems let alone to the problem of malnutrition, which made many children cannot grow well. But in recent years, with the development of economical and improvement of people’s living standard, food diversity plays an important on maintaining healthy for every citizen. For instance, my cousin, a primary school student, can eat different kinds of food in the school dining room. His constitution is very sturdy. But 30 years ago, when my parents went to primary school, they suffered many diseases due to malnutrition. All of these illustrate that people can easily keep fit in the modern society.

Finally, people become more and more aware of doing exercise regularly. Doing sport and outdoor activities can help people to release stress and pressure from work and study, thus improving their health condition. For instance, in my company, our employees organize sport and activities three times every week. All staff can go to the Gyms to do sport, such as playing basket, badminton and Ping pong. The regularly practice reduce the pressure in the work, thus keeping fit and improving work efficiency.

In sum, the statements above illustrate that people can easily to maintain healthy than in the past. Not only the improvement of medical treatments but also the diversity of food supply helps people to keep fit. The strong aware of practice also plays a vital role on the maintaining fit.
在平安夜写的文章，总是在那里凑字数的感觉。文章空洞得要命。感觉中文有很多话说，但是用英文就词穷了。哎，英文功底太差了。写一篇文章都要花一个晚上，都在那里走查查右看看的写。

45573asdasd

The last decades have witnessed the diversity of food supply, the improvement of medical resource and the soundness of sports facilities. The resource people received nowadays to keep fit are abundant. I firmly believe that it is easier to maintain good health than in the past. My reasons are stated as follow（不确定啊，as后面跟从句吧）.

Fundamentally, the medical treatments improved dramatically to facilitate people to keep healthy in recent years（没谓语medical 不能自己improve。用被动）. On the one hand, the technology development t helps to deal with some diseases, which used to puzzle to medical science（就算这句话是对的也好生硬啊）. Thus medical advance means people can easily to maintain good health than in the past. On the other hand, government pays more attention on deelopment.It is vrural area medical well known that in the countryside many people died each year due to lacking of medical resource in the past. But now many hospitals are built each year in the country, and many skillful doctors are wiling to work in the countryside to help citizens to improve their healthy condition. The improvement of hospital and clinics in the poor countryside and the decrease in price of essential medicines enable more people to take care of their physical condition easily. A recent survey shows that 95% people in the country can receive timely medical treatments now. But 30 years ago, only 30% people can afford the medical treatments. The medical advance in modern society helps people to maintain healthy more easily compared to 30 years ago（great）.

Subsequently, various food supply enables people to eat healthy nutrition（你一定要注意形容词搭配，healthy不能修饰nutr） to meet the physical need. People can choose what they like in the supermarket since all kinds of food are available. Thus it is easily to keep fit now. It is well known that in the past people could just solve the closing and food problems let alone to the problem of malnutrition, which made many children cannot grow well. But in recent years, with the development of economical and improvement of people’s living standard, food diversity plays an important on maintaining healthy for every citizen.（基本是重复） For instance, my cousin, a primary school student, can eat different kinds of food in the school dining room. His constitution（词汇量挺大，我都不知道还有这个意思，但是直接he is sturdy会感觉自然些） is very sturdy. But 30 years ago, when my parents went to primary school, they suffered many diseases due to malnutrition. All of these illustrate that people can easily keep fit in the modern society.

Finally, people become more and more aware of doing exercise regularly. Doing sport and outdoor activities can help people to release stress and pressure from work and study, thus improving their health condition. For instance, in my company, our employees organize sport and activities three times every week. All staff can go to the Gyms to do sport, such as playing basket, badminton and Ping pong. The regularly practice reduce the pressure in the work, thus keeping fit and improving work efficiency.
（有高分的潜质，推荐最后一段加一个让步论证，更客观。注意词语搭配和长短句交替）

brace1016

25号和26号的一起写了，昨天没有占座
25 December
Independent Writing: Should company use public recognition to reward hard working, not to use money.
Integrated Writing: TPO 20

26 December
Independent Writing: Most problems can be solved by people or their families, help from the government is unnecessary.
Integrated Writing: TPO 21

brace1016

26号的独立

As individuals, we are confronted with several of unexpected problems. Sometimes these problems can be solved by us. Sometimes, they are too difficult for us to handle with due to the limited resources an individual has. As a result, the government intervention is required to assist individuals who require help in the areas such as health care, disasters relief, and public works projects.

First of all, many things we can not to handle with by ourselves due to the limited resources an individual has. But the government can possess resources to tackle a difficult problem. For example, if we suffer large-scale disasters, such as the recent earthquake in Japan. All the families have been buried by the collapsed house. At that time we individual can not solve the problem. We have no specialized skills or equipments to help ourselves to escape from this disaster .But the government have a lot of resources, such as medical facilities to help us to escape from the disasters. Although friends and the family of the disasters victims can contribute to recovery, it is different for these victims to access to adequate food and water. Only through support from the government can victims obtain necessities such as drinking water, drug and tents. And from the help of the government, we can rebuild our home.

Secondly, health care require the government to grantee the service of the hospital and the quality of the medicine. We also need the aid of the government to keep the drug prices stable. Without rigorous policies to address hospitals and medication, patients suffer from poor health care. For instance, our country government slashed the maximum retail price for more than 1000 types of antibiotics and circulatory system drugs. This important reform by the government significantly reduces the financial burden of patients as well as their families.
Admittedly, individual can do many things to improve their life, such as learning skills from the family and friends, studying hard to become a qualitified person to the society. However, the government can do a lot to support the learning of the citizens. For example, I was born in a small town, my parents are farmers, and they earn little money every year by cultivating the vegetable. In my family, parents have to spend lots of money on the drugs for my grandpa. Therefore, there is no enough money for my family to afford my tuition. Fortunately, there are loans and funding of the government to endow the student whose family is poor. By this way I finish my career in the university. As you can see, I would quit the university without the government help because it is impossible for me to borrow such an amount of money.

All in all, we need the help from the government in many areas. With the help of the government; we individuals can solve the problems quickly. It is any government's responsibility to enable its people to have a safe, health and enjoyable life.

starlee

26号的独立

As individuals, we are confronted with several of unexpected problems. Sometimes these problems can be solved by us. Sometimes, they are too difficult for us to handle with due to the limited resources an individual has. As a result, the government intervention is required to assist individuals who require help in the areas such as health care, disasters relief, and public works projects.

First of all, many things we can not to handle with by ourselves due to the limited resources an individual has. But the government can possess resources to tackle a difficult problem. For example, if we suffer large-scale一般用来形容大规模的设备、企业等，不知是否可以修饰disaster，这里我会用serious disasters, such as the recent earthquake in Japan. All the families have been这里我认为用过去时态更确切were buried by the collapsed house. At that time那时句子时态 为过去时，假如要用一般现在时应该为 在这种情况下 ，因此后面时态都不对，要么改成In this affair, we individual can not solve the problem. We have no specialized skills or equipments to help ourselves to escape from this disaster .But the government have a lot of resources, such as medical facilities to help us to escape from the disasters. Although friends and the family of the disasters victims此处表达不是很好 can contribute to recovery, it is different for these victims to access to adequate food and water. Only through support from the government can victims obtain necessities such as drinking water, drug and tents. And from the help of the government, we can rebuild our home.

Secondly, health care require the government to grantee是否拼写错误guarantee保证 the service of the hospital and the quality of the medicine. We also need the aid of the government to keep the drug prices stable. Without rigorous policies to address hospitals and medication, patients suffer from poor health care此处语法不清楚是否正确. For instance, our country government slashed the maximum retail price for more than 1000 types of antibiotics and circulatory system drugs. This important reform by the government significantly reduces the financial burden of patients as well as their families.
Admittedly,individual can do many things to improve their life（主要主谓一致）, such as learning skills from the family and friends, studying hard to become a qualitified person to the society. However, the government can do a lot to support the learning of the citizens令人费解的表达方式干脆用education好了. For example, I was born in a small town, my parents are farmers, and they earn little money every year by cultivating the vegetable. In my family, parents have to spend lots of money on the drugs for my grandpa. Therefore, there is no enough money for my family to afford my tuition. Fortunately, there are loans and funding of the government to endow the student whose family is poor. By this way I finish时态错误 my career in the university. As you can see, I would quit the university without the government help because it is impossible for me to borrow such an amount of money.

All in all, we need the help from the government in many areas. With the help of the government; we individuals can solve the problems quickly. It is any government's responsibility to enable its people to have a safe, health and enjoyable life.

-- by 会员 brace1016 (2012/12/26 23:38:23)

comment:词汇量不错，苦了我了，各种查字典，文章结构ok 1-3-1，除了红色部分有问题，其余标出都是亮点。
文中多次用到family 单复数搞来搞去真心累啊，倒不如family指代成员时改称family members这样还能增加文章字数，还有就是文中有些表达不是很好，
加油吧

brace1016

27号的同学，帮忙改这篇哦。谢谢了

Independent Writing: Agree or disagree? Your job has more effect on your happiness than your social life does.

Happiness, one thing that Aristotle defined as intrinsic value for everyone, is pursuit by everyone for the whole life. It is indisputable that everyone wishes to be happy every day. What elements make us happy, the jobs or social life with friends and families? Some people believe that the jobs determine happiness everyday. But others are convinced that social life plays an important role on happiness. I, given the chance, prefer to endorse that social life make people happier than the jobs.



First of all, social life involved time with family, which is the basic of a person's happiness. Happiness derives from harmony with family and living in a harmony family enables people to be happy everyday. The reason is that when we live in a harmony family we often get help from family members and share joy and tear with family members. For instance, when spending fixed time with family every day, I can talk about everything happened in daytime with my family. The discussion helps me to find solutions to my problems happened in the daytime, thus increasing my happy to some extent. Sitting together to enjoy tasteful dishes with my dad and mom, playing online games with my brother and sharing recent anecdote with sister all make me happy. Every time I spent time with my family, I felt happy from deep inside, which cannot be acquired outside home, for example, job.



Furthermore, happiness comes from enjoying social life with our friends, which enrich our spare time. During the interaction in social life, people can make many new friends with numerous people with same interesting. With the same interesting will bring much happiness to us. For instance, I always go out with my friends for fun. We go hiking, swimming, skiing and so forth. My friends and I even found a bicycle team to ride a bike every weekend to release pressure from work. Doing this sport make me happy and improve my healthy. Thus social life with friends is the source of happiness.



Admittedly, our job could also create happiness at certain circumstance. We will be happy by the new that the bosses raise our salary because we just stay late to accomplish a project, which makes a big deal for the company. However, we can’t ignore the negative side that we’re suffering considerable pressure from work, which is extremely awful for our health. Thus, all of the above joyfulness does not come from the job itself, but the harvest at the cost of high pressure and long time to stay up late or all night. Therefore, the transient pleasure is far less than the pain people are experiencing.



After ruminating all those factors above, I hold a viewpoint that our social life does have influenced our happiness more than our jobs, despite jobs do an occasional favor as well.

bet

改27号

Independent Writing: Agree or disagree? Your job has more effect on your happiness than your social life does.

Happiness, one thing that Aristotle defined as intrinsic value for everyone, is pursuit（pursued） by everyone for the whole life. It is indisputable that everyone wishes to be happy every day. What elements make us happy, the jobs or social life with friends and families? Some people believe that the jobs determine happiness every day. But others are convinced that social life plays an important role on happiness. I, given the chance, prefer to endorse that social life make people happier than the jobs.

First of all, social life involved time with family, which is the basic of a person's happiness. Happiness derives from harmony with family, and living in a harmony family enables people to be happy every day. The reason is that when we live in a harmony family we often get help from family members and share joy and tear with family members. For instance, when spending fixed time with family every day, I can talk about everything happened in daytime with my family. The discussion helps me to find solutions to my problems happened in the daytime, thus increasing my happiness to some extent. Sitting together to enjoy tasteful dishes with my dad and mom, playing online games with my brother and sharing recent anecdote with my sister all make me happy. Every time I spent time with my family, I felt happy from deep(可以直接用一般现在时) inside, which cannot be acquired outside home, for example, job.（这句读起来有点儿别扭，可以把outside home改成by other things）

Furthermore, happiness comes from enjoying social life with our friends, which enriches our spare time. During the interaction in social life, people can make many new friends with numerous people with same interest. With(删) the same interesting will bring much happiness to us. For instance, I always go out with my friends for fun. We go hiking, swimming, skiing and so forth. My friends and I even found（改成就joined） a bicycle team to ride a bike every weekend to release pressure from work. Doing this sport makes me happy and improves my healthy. Thus social life with friends is the source of happiness.

Admittedly, our job could also create happiness at certain circumstance. We will be happy by the new(news?) that the bosses raise our salary because we just stay late to accomplish a project, which makes(删，否则不通) a big deal for the company. However, we cannot(不要用缩写) ignore the negative side that we are(不要用缩写)suffering considerable pressure from work, which is extremely awful for our health. Thus, all of the above joyfulness does not come from the job itself, but from the harvest at the cost of high pressure and long time to stay up late or all night. Therefore, the transient pleasure is far less than the pain people are experiencing.

After ruminating all those factors above, I hold a viewpoint that our social life does have influenced(这是时态混搭了啊) our happiness more than our jobs, despite jobs do an occasional favor as well.



红色是我标记的和做出微调的地方，都是小错误，主要需注意时态和缩写。表达流畅，论证清晰有力，写的很好。高亮是我要学习的好词好句，加油～

brace1016

28号的独立写作

Do you agree that students taking school organization and activities club are as important as their academic class.

The rich and colorful campus life involves not only having excellence performance in academic study but also developing communication skills and team work spirit. An increasing number of students are beginning to realize that they can learn a lot from taking extra-curricular activities or participating student organization. Thus I am of the opinion that the benefits learned from activities are as vital as academic performance.

Fundamentally, taking school organization or activities enables students to apply what they have learnt from academic study. It will provide a chance for students to use the knowledge in the real word. For instance, I was a member of students union. Our department planed to hold New Year party last semester. We had to do make a budget. Since I was majoring in accounting, the department leader asked me to make the budget. It did give me an opportunity to apply what I learned from academic study. I analyzed the projects and made a suitable budget for the party. According to my budget, the party successfully completed. This opportunity let me realize the importance of joining a club or participating school organization. It will help students to understand what they learned from the academic and prepared for the future jobs.

Subsequently, joining school activity or organization can enhance students’ communication skills, which are important for future career. It is well known that communication capacity plays an essential role in our daily life. No matter what major we focus on, we have to talk with others .Excellent communication ability may help us to do things well. And participating in students activities involved a lot of communication with others. Students can use these opportunities to strengthen their communication skills. For instance, my roommate, Lucy, who was a shy girl, was good at playing Cello. We all encouraged her to run for the president of student music club. Running for the president means she had to speak in the pubic and persuade different people to support her. During this experience she learned to communicate with different people. Finally she was successfully elected to the president of student music club. And during her two years presidency, she organized more than twenty activities for her club members and she became an out-going girl since then. Our roommates are all happy with her personal development. Thanks to the school activities, they not only let students to experience a colorful life in the campus but also help students to develop their abilities.

Admittedly, participating activities occupy students’ a lot of time. It may influence students’ academic study if students cannot keep a balance between study and activities. However, time management is a hot topic for students to learn when they are just at school. When facing time conflict issue, students can learn what things will put into the priority to do. This experience helps them to know their energy and efficiency well, thus preparing for their future career.

From the discussion above, I firmly believe that the students can benefit a lot from the school activities. Thus participating organization is as important as academic studies. Both of them facilitate the development of student’s future career.

这文章写得真心水。花2个小时不说。哎。怎么控制时间是个问题了。