asd 的作文贴，希望互相提高

wsxz007

As the velocity of the modern people's daily life gets higher, not only the individuals but also the government are encountered with different choices. Just as the question goes, is it more important for governments to build more museums and music centers than to build physically recreational devices which can entertain citizens? It is indeed a thorny question because different people would uphold different opinions. While for me,I hold the unequivocal idea that the recreational facilities enjoy a higher level of significance. My reasons following will substantiate my viewpoint in detail.


首段干净利落，观点明确，赞一个


To begin with, it does not require much intelligence to ascertain that the most important treasure for people is good health. just as the proverb goes that health is the ladder on which other happiness could climb. Governments should focus more energy and attention on the citizens' health condition. The recreational facilities are just right things which can help the Government achieve this goal. Moreover, some statistics will be very useful to illustrate the importance of these devices. A recent survey conducted by Chinese People Health Agency(CPHA) indicates that among the world,people in the countries which with adequate recreational devices lives longer than those who lives in poor recreational devices equiped countries. So in term of the most precious thing-health, I think devices outweigh the art museums.



第一点说明健康的重要性，是幸福的基础，体育设施可以帮人们达到目标——重要

In addition, it is the government that can benefit from the recreational facilities since people can get good health by relaxing themselves and doing exercises, therefore giving rise to a low disease rate. That means the government can save a great deal of financial budget from medical care for other things, even for building the art museums. By contrast, the art museums and musical center will be burdens for the government in that the high prices of these activities always keep people away. （这句的逻辑不是很清晰，艺术消费高票价看的人少导致政府投资负担——木有必然联系，中间少一个逻辑桥接（成本回收），是我们自HIGH的想法，人不去消费顶多是浪费，记得老师说过米国人的思维每次只拐一个弯）虽然不必考虑那么深，但我对题目的理解是政府兴建哪个设施更好，分论点最好都是围着设施转。Moreover, in today's society which is suffering the financial recession, people seldom have the luxury to see the musical plays. Who will pay for all these? the government of course.逻辑链衔接有点远


第二点：人健康政府受益，同时指出艺术消费价格高，人们不去，艺术消费是奢侈品，投资后给政府带来负担。



这一段写的有点着急吧，前面的“健康——政府受益”感觉是对上一段的延续，和后面的“艺术消费高，政府（收不回成本）经济负担大”看着没啥联系哦……


From all aspects taken into consideration carefully, I can draw the very conclusion that it is more vital for government to build the recreational devices than to build the art museums or musical centers. Some one may disagree with me, arguing that people can expand their eyesights and get a deeper understanding of the beauty provided by the art works and music. This is what I can not deny, but they ignore the fact that the health and the financial benefit are the most favorable things for a harmonious society. So I can always maintain my opinion that governments should build more recreational facilities.

从结论看，你的分论点是健康和财政效益（感觉后者没太说出来）。



英文表达好纯熟啊，我望尘莫及，以此为榜样，奋起直追。有些好句子我留下观摩了。（稿费找版主支付吧 哈哈哈）

45573asdasd

谢谢007啊，我也觉得第三段着急了，但是吧，30分钟让我写，也就这水平了。顺便给今晚的队友提个醒，我的作文在前一页呢~~

perfectends

备注：

红色：修改
绿色高亮：赞。

In this society which iswith all kinds of pressure, people have to find themselves ways to relax andrelieve the stress. Movies are an indispensable element for this goal since high-quality moviesoften can be useful in many aspects.As the question goes, however, are moviesworth watching only when they can inspire us something in reality?  For mypart, well,I hold the totally opposite opinion. I think movies are worthwatching no matter it they can teach us something or not. My reasonsfollowing will substantiatemy point of view in detail.

To begin with, as what has been mentioned before,we are encountered withmany problems which makes us upset and disappointed. Have you ever felt sadwhen your work was turned down by employers or experienced something similar?If you have so, I think you might stand on my side that we are living in asociety which is full of pressure and desperation. To our luck, we have manyways to entertainourselves, and movies come to people's eye-sights.Comedy films is an elementarytype of film, and it just (建议改为exactly，更书面化) satisfy people's demand. when we We want to escape fromthe high-pressure daily life and laugh like a child. Even if comedy films areseldom practical, we always watch them. because wWhat we want is happiness.

In addition,today's nowadays people are always chasingthe high-quality life style. Just , so only meeting the basicneed is not enough. What we want more is the visual satisfaction. Some moviesare so delicate becausethey contain many beautiful and spectacular pictures. When we watch them, we can feel the beautyof the nature, preople or even the outspace. I might cite an excellent moviewhich is about marine creatures as an example, the OCEAN. There is no plot orany actors in the movies, even no narrators. The only thing it has is thedescription of the beautiful sea animals and their habitats. Obviously it isnot so practical since we might have even no single chance to dive into thedeep sea in our whole life, but people just can not help buying tickets to seeit. I attribute OCEAN’s success to its pictures which meet people's demand, thevalue of beauty.

There is no denying that if we can learn somethingin the movies, it will be so nice that we might use the knowledge provieded byfilms. But I think we also need to tease(你的意思应该不是自我解嘲之类，虽然词比较高级，但选词感觉欠妥，建议改为entertain)ourselves and see the beauty ofthe world. Probably these factors are equal to, or even outweigh the practical knowledge.So I stillhold my unequivocalopinion that movies are worth watching not only wjhen they can teach us something.


总体行文逻辑和观点都比较明确，也使用到不少高级词汇，但是问题比较多的是连接词的缺少，另外有一个词个人认为选词还需斟酌，但估计因为使用的是高级词汇就算用错也不会特别丢分。