第一次加入小分队，求批！

verchieldan

First, it is not rare to see that even two friends living in the same city often have different schedules, resulting in the fact that they don’t always have time for the other to share their lives together. Furthermore, the pace of our life in today’s world grows ever faster. We seem forever on the go（这句很形象啊）
. With so much to do and so little time to do it in（in 之前之后是有省略什么成分吗，如果没有，想要用and并列就得去掉）, how are we to cope?（这句有点中式，可以把问句后面直接接with） When we were frustrated with heavy-loaded work, we would turn to our friends hoping they could offer some comfort. However, they might not always be available when we contact them. For example, several weeks ago after having a terrible quarrel with my boyfriend, I was really upset and apprehensive of our relationship. I called my best friend Rachel only to know that she was busy preparing a presentation for tomorrow’s meeting with an important customer. I changed my mind and decided not to bother her with my trouble. Since most people are under so much pressure nowadays that time conflicts make it impossible for us to be fully honest with our friends.(我觉得既然是不诚实，就可以说当你contract her的时候，她问你发生什么事了，然后你得知她明天有事，就决定欺骗她说什么都没发生，这样比较突出dishonesty)

Second, long distance is another essential factor which prevents us from being completely honest with our friends. Though merits are the convenience of communication brought by new technologies such as Face book and Twitter, these cannot actually offset the trouble brought by long distance. Admittedly, we can instantly get in touch with our friends online. Inmost cases our friends who are geographically far away cannot help us when we need them, leading to the result that we often choose not to tell them the trouble we are suffering since we do not want to make it a burden for them. My cousin would be a good case in point. She and I grow up together and we’re very good friends. We told each other everything until we went to different universities in different cities. Last winter holiday when I went back home, my mother told me that my cousin was terribly ill and had been staying in hospital for two weeks. I was astonished that I didn’t know anything about this. I went to see her immediately and she told me the reason she asked our families not to tell me was that it would waste too much time if I went back homeo and she didn’t want me distracted from my study. I felt so guilty that I failed to stay with her when she needed me the most.

Though honesty makes true friends, it is difficult for us to be fully honest with our friends. It is not us that don’t want to be honest. It is all these difficulties brought by time conflicts and long distance that prevent us from doing so.
小建议：
1.楼主可以再分个1、2段出来，因为看了楼主以前的和现在的文章，觉得语法功底非常长不错，很长的句子都不会有错误，就可以吧别的字数减一点，再加段。
2.句式多样性问题，楼主大量用了状语从句与陈述句，只要稍微再注意一下，可以是句式再多样一些，文章就没那么刻板。
3.论证角度问题。因为我没有写这个，但是有看过类似的文章，例如OG上的范文就是这个，赶紧楼主的角度不够深入，这两个其实可以合并为一个，是比较现实的问题。然后再找一个比较深入的角度拔高文章层次，可以从认得心理本质，人性之类的，这样的话论证感觉更有力，有深度。建议楼主看看OG的那几篇，论证角度都很好的。


建议不一定成熟，欢迎一起探讨哦。

Rainbamboo666

In China, the government has set a strict rule that most families can only have one child in order to control the country’s population. As a result, most of the post-80s and post-90s generations do not have siblings due to this policy. They are the only child in the family, enjoying all the love of parents andgrandparents. Thus they are usually labeled as selfish and indifferent by themedia. Some critiques are that youngsters from this generation have been so heavilyspoiled that then tend to care less for others and are less willing to helpother people than youngsters in the past generations who often have severalsiblings and are willing to share and help with each other. From myperspective, I strongly disagree with this opinion(陈述观点). As a matter of fact, due tothe convenience brought by the development of science and technology and the developmentof education young people nowadays are glad to render help to others.————个人观点来的太突兀，前面都是说独生子女自私被宠坏，而且占得篇幅很大， 后面没有转折，可你直接选择的是反面观点。改进：至少应该有转折词，出现。如果你不同意上面的观点，自己就不要说的太多。
To begin with, therapid development of technology enables people to communicate more easily thanever before. Therefore， they can immediately get in touch with others and helpeach other without using too much time. Young people are often quick learners onnew technology and they are inclined to use innovative devices like tablets andsmartphones to instantly communicate with their friends. Once they need help, they can use various tools, like email, Skype, social network sites, to turn totheir friends who are always there to help（be by your side）. For example, several weeks ago Iwas preparing for a presentation on war studies. Since I major in(什么意思？) ManagementInformation System, rarely have I learned about war philosophies用分词合并成一个主语就好了. I don’t have anyclue about this so I posted on the social network site saying that “does anyoneknow about war studies? Please help”. A few minutes later, my friends repliedme with useful information about war histories with links attached and recommendedseveral books written by some of the greatest philosophers who studied on wars.With their instant help, I saved a lot of time and fully prepared for mypresentation. I can’t imagine what I could do without the help of my friendsand the Internet.
总体来说字数很好，比我的多多了，但语言上不够精炼，有点凑字数的嫌疑。比如什么and什么这种太多了。还有就是分段，观点表述不够明确。如果在boby段的开头第一句写上明确的观点就更好了。后面没有看完，就删掉了。是第一次给别人看作文

Rainbamboo666

In China
, the government has set a strict rule that most families can only have one child in order to control the country’s population. As a result, most of the post-80s and post-90s generations do not have siblings due to this policy. They are the only child in the family, enjoying all the love of parents andgrandparents. Thus they are usually labeled as selfish and indifferent by themedia. Some critiques are that youngsters from this generation have been so heavilyspoiled that then tend to care less for others and are less willing to helpother people than youngsters in the past generations who often have severalsiblings and are willing to share and help with each other. From myperspective, I strongly disagree with this opinion(陈述观点). As a matter of fact, due tothe convenience brought by the development of science and technology and the developmentof education young people nowadays are glad to render help to others.————个人观点来的太突兀，前面都是说独生子女自私被宠坏，而且占得篇幅很大，后面没有转折，可你直接选择的是反面观点。改进：至少应该有转折词，出现。如果你不同意上面的观点，自己就不要说的太多。
To begin with, therapid development of technology enables people to communicate more easily thanever before. Therefore， they can immediately get in touch with others and helpeach other without using too much time. Young people are often quick learners onnew technology and they are inclined to use innovative devices like tablets andsmartphones to instantly communicate with their friends. Once they need help, they can use various tools, like email, Skype, social network sites, to turn totheir friends who are always there to help（be by your side）.For example, several weeks ago Iwas preparing for a presentation on war studies. Since I major in(什么意思？) ManagementInformation System, rarely have I learned about war philosophies用分词合并成一个主语就好了. I don’t have anyclue about this so I posted on the social network site saying that “does anyoneknow about war studies? Please help”. A few minutes later, my friends repliedme with useful information about war histories with links attached and recommendedseveral books written by some of the greatest philosophers who studied on wars.With their instant help, I saved a lot of time and fully prepared for mypresentation. I can’t imagine what I could do without the help of my friendsand the Internet.
总体来说字数很好，比我的多多了，但语言上不够精炼，有点凑字数的嫌疑。比如什么and什么这种太多了。还有就是分段，观点表述不够明确。如果在boby段的开头第一句写上明确的观点就更好了。后面没有看完，就删掉了。是第一次给别人看作文