wsywsy1的作文贴，求改正求拍砖呐~

阿伦艾弗森

The survey made by the Students’ Education of China(SEC) (引用权威，很棒)claims that more and more students are losing avid in class, And then how to attract pupils has become a hot topic among people. Some of the people state that the best way to increase students’ interest in a subject （我觉得用subjects好些吧）is to tell them the importance of subject in the society.（这句话多余了）

Admittedly, teaching the students the significance of outside world is very crucial, and it may pique students’ interests in the subjects. (这个表并列的句子句意不明，因为crucial表重要与后面的句意联系不是很大。)Provided another access to learn the subjects, students may be interested in the class. However, I think that these people overstate the function of outside （study）of school and underestimate the importance of class. And there is also a drawback. Pouring a mess of time into outside world, the pupils will be more likely to distract their attention from class.（每句开头一般不要用and,but这样的连词。虽然可以用，但是不那么地道）

There are two useful measures for us to follow:（这句话可以直接跟到上段最后一句后面）

For one thing, hiring prestigious professor can be a useful way. （建议加入表因果的连词）Admiring celebrities, the students are willing to study the subjects Therefore, if the school hires some famous professors, the students will be interested in the subjects. For instance, Lee is a student who used to be less avid（这个词多表渴望的，贪婪的，热心的）in math. However, he rekindles his morale after having a class given by a famous mathematician. （from this case, we can know）Hiring a celebrity is never a bad move.



For another thing, adopting new teaching method, teachers will be easy to catch students’ eyes. Students often claim that the class is boring, because they cannot accept the way used by teacher. For instance, Anna is a student who often falls asleep in the class because she finds the dullness of math (is)scarcely bearable.(加上dullness of 有一些语义重复) What about do some changes in the teaching methods?（如果能加一些改变方法后学生的学习效果就更好了）Teaching students in a more interesting way, such as playing a game in class, will be effective.（无逻辑主语）

We can not simply say that highlighting the importance of subject outside of school is the best way. Only when all of the features are taken into considerations, can we solve the problem easily.（可以总结一下自己的观点）

红色为好，蓝色，绿色结合则为需要修改。

1.可以在文章中加一些短小的句子，长难句过多显得有一点点笨拙。
2.部分地方逻辑性不是很强。
3.and,but这样的词尽量少出现在句子的开头。
4、最后一段最好能总结自己的观点，前后呼应。

一点拙见，还望共同进步。

wsywsy1

谢谢阿伦同学的修改，我会注意自己的问题的，thank you


看来我要多多注意连词才行

wsywsy1

感觉跟我前天写的好像，我改了一下。。
10.5
It is much easier for people to achieve success without family’s help than in the pass



According to the report of the Chinese Achievement Association Community, “71% celebrities have received assistance from their families”. Some people think that the success in life often comes unexpectedly and that’s why it is due to relying on family. However, a multitude of people are inclined to rejecting family’s help. In my opinion, Success will come faster with the help of family. The reasons are as follows
 Firstly, family members can offer help in our career which can make us do better. For one thing, the family members who work the same field as us are more experienced in dealing with things, they can point out the mistakes we have and provide some practical methods for us to follow. For another thing, the elder among the family have the larger life cycles than we have, and they can also introduce many famous professors to us.
 Secondly, family can provide assistance in the aspect of emotion. We are easy to get stuck with troubles when we use some improper ways, and then depression will come. At that time, if some encouraging words are given, it is useful for us to relieve pressure. Success is on the way when we feel delighted and boost the morale. For example, Anna who used to get a low score in the tests has become a top student in her class after being motivated by her mother. Thus, encouragement from family is never a bad move.
 Admittedly, there might be a drawback. A person who has strong background will probably become less industrious, because he has already possessed various things without making efforts. However, if the elders can teach him the significance of realizing his dream, the young will become urgent in pursing.
 In the conclusion, there is much easier for the man to achieve success with the influence of family. So what we should do is to utilize the preponderance we have, and then the brighter future is waiting for us.

晨依Jacqueline

我说这个头像肿么这么面熟嗯……
加油加油！！！

wsywsy1

晨依~你终于发现我啦~哈哈~

wsywsy1

Your job will have more effect on your happiness than the social life does.
Nowadays, more and more people swarm into work. They believe that their success in work will make them happier. However, I think the people who pay more attention on social life will have more effect on their happiness .
 Firstly, less pressure can make us happy. The people who put emphasize on social life  have less pressure. On the contrary, people who want to seek fortune in job often under high pressure.In social life, When we are confronted with embarrassment, parents can motivate us to face the thing positively. When we are in the bad mood, friends can tell a joke to me. However, the people who are devoted to work are less possible to set free their stress. What should they do when they fail to achieve the goals in the career? What should they do when they are punished by their boss? What should they do when they are faced with difficult tasks? Certainly, they cannot talk with their computer. Under the high pressure, it is much happier to stay with your loves
 Secondly, Stability can make us happy. However, job cannot give us the sense of stability. We can lose the job easily in different situations. When we cannot reach the goal required by the boss, when we suffer from the financial crisis, we might lose the job easily. On the contrary, social life can give us the sense of stability. For one thing, the relationships in social life are quite stable. The blood relationship between parents and kids will not be changed easily, the relationships among people will be stable in any circumstance. That is what jobs cannot give us.
 Admittedly, job can bring us a sense of achievement which has a great effect on happiness. A man will be pleased if he is successful in his career. But it is no saying that everyone can get a sense of achievement. If the man is poor at the job, he will get a sense of failure. For example, since Anna made a mistake in her job, she has been very upset.
 From these reasons, we can conclude that social life will have more effects than the job has. The more time we spend in social life, the happier we are.

kahne

Nowadays, more and more people swarm into work. They believe that their success in work will make them happier. However, I think the people who pay more attention on（固定搭配用to？）social life will have more effect on their happiness .（逻辑上是人have effect on happiness？不明白）
Firstly, less pressure can make us happy. The people who put emphasize（注意这是动词，名词应为emphasis） on social life  have less pressure. On the contrary, people who want to seek fortune in job often under high pressure.(少了be)In social life, When we are confronted with embarrassment, parents can motivate us to face the thing positively. When we are in the bad mood, friends can tell a joke to me. However, the people who are devoted to work are less possible to set free their stress. What should they do when they fail to achieve the goals in the career? What should they do when they are punished by their boss? What should they do when they are faced with difficult tasks?（这一串反问用得不错！） Certainly, they cannot talk with their computer. Under the high pressure, it is much happier to stay with your loves
Secondly, Stability can make us happy. However, job cannot give us the sense of stability. We can lose the job easily in different situations. When we cannot reach the goal required by the boss, when we suffer from the financial crisis（这个专有名词用在个人上不太合适？）, we might lose the job easily. On the contrary, social life can give us the sense of stability. For one thing, the relationships in social life are quite stable. The blood relationship between parents and kids will not be changed easily, the relationships among people will be stable in any circumstance. That is what jobs cannot give us.
Admittedly, job can bring us a sense of achievement which has a great effect on happiness. A man will be pleased if he is successful in his career. But it is no saying that everyone can get a sense of achievement. If the man is poor at the job (改为has poor performance in his job更好？), he will get a sense of failure. For example, since Anna made a mistake in her job, she has been very upset.(鄙人才疏学浅，不明白Anna是怎么回事？)
From these reasons, we can conclude that social life will have more effects than the job has does. The more time we spend in social life, the happier we are.



1. 文章的逻辑结构清晰，字数分配也比较合理
2. lz的词汇量不错，用词很丰富
1.格式上的小建议：每段顶格写的话，段与段间最好空一行～

wsywsy1

谢谢亲的批改，我自己都没发现。。又学到了。。谢谢

其实Anna那事我还是删掉好了。。谢谢

wsywsy1

People who move out of their native village or town are more successful and happier than who stay in their native village or town for their whole life.



Imagining outside world to be a sort of paradise where sun always shines, many rural residents swarm into city to live and work. They believe that their success and dreams can be realized if they move out of their town. However, from my perspective, people who stay in their villages or towns can also achieve success, and they will be happier than the people who leave their homeland.

To begin with, people who chose to stay in homeland will be under less pressure. On the contrary, people who seek their fortune in big cities will bear high pressure. In our hometown, when we are confronted with embarrassment, parents can motivate us to face the things positively. When are in bad mood, friends can tell a joke to me. However, the people who move out of their home are less possible to set free their stress. What should they do when they fail to achieve the goals in the career? What should they do when they are punished by their boss? What should they do when they are faced with different tasks? Certainly, they cannot talk with their computers. Compared life which is often under the high pressure, it is much happier to stay with you loves.

Another important priority of staying in homeland is that you will have much happy time. You can go fishing with your intimate friends; or you can drive home to a remote park and have a nice picnic; you can chat with you parents; you can go hiking with your spouse. These are what we cannot have if we move outside. On the other hand, people who go outside will be lonely and nostalgia, because nobody can replace their loves. They cannot talk to their workmates, they cannot talk to their boss, they cannot talk to their roommates.

Admittedly, if we go to outside world, we might have more chances to achieve success. But the competition will be more intensive. However, a person can also succeed in the village. For example, if you are a peasant, you can be successful in farming. Absorbing the knowledge of technology, you can produce a new type of high-yield corn and you can receive a large sum of money from it.

From these reasons, I would rather stay in village. Also, I admire people who leave their hometown to pursue dreams.

bonnenuit

Imagining outside world to be a sort of paradise where sun always shines（缺谓语）, many rural residents swarm into city to live and work. They believe that their success and dreams can be realized if they move out of their town.（这两个放在这会造成歧义，有点awkward，是success and dreams还是指residents呢，最好把这个they换成residents） However, from my perspective, people who stay in their villages or towns can also achieve success, and they will be happier than the people who leave their homeland.

To begin with, people who chose（这个不知道是你拼写错误呢还是用了过去式，如果是后者的话，我更偏向用一般现在是） to stay in homeland will be under less pressure. On the contrary, people who seek their fortune in big cities will bear high pressure. In our hometown, when we are confronted（这个不需要被动吧，直接遭遇就行了，用原形） with embarrassment, parents can motivate（这个motivate当鼓励用不是很恰当，不想用encourage的话，可以换forster） us to face the things positively. When are in bad mood(缺主语）, friends can tell a joke to me. However, the people who move out of their home are less possible to set free their stress. What should they do when they fail to achieve the goals in the career? What should they do when they are punished by their boss? What should they do when they are faced（这个也不需要被动） with different tasks? Certainly, they cannot talk with their computers. Compared tothe life which is often under the high pressure, it is much happier to stay with your loves.

Another important priority of staying in homeland is that you will have much happy time. You can go fishing with your intimate friends; (用逗号,or是连词）or you can drive home（这个是指家人吗，用family） to a remote park and have a nice picnic; you can chat with you parents;（觉得你这几个分号用的很有问题，我很少用，在高分文章里也很少见到，你要咨询一下大牛，感觉这样的并列不是很恰当） you can go hiking with your spouse. These are what we cannot have if we move outside. On the other hand, people who go outside will be lonely and nostalgia, because nobody can replace their loves. They cannot talk to their workmates, they cannot talk to their boss, they cannot talk to their roommates.（这句话缺少一个真正的主语，否则这些人称代词在新的句子里面会awkward，不清楚是指代谁的）

Admittedly, if we go to （缺冠词）outside world, we might have more chances to achieve success. But the competition will be more intensive. However, a person can also succeed in the village. For example, if you are a peasant, you can be successful in farming. By Absorbing the knowledge of technology, you can produce a new type of high-yield corn and you can(重复，可以省略） receive a large sum of money from it.

From these reasons, I would rather stay in village. Also, I admire people who leave their hometown to pursue dreams.

语法还有待提高
句式太单一了
例子可能受限于语言表达 不是很convincing
多练练吧 多看看一些高分作文 模仿一些好的句式