[原创]【逵逵写作文11.0-TWE159】

likui

TWE-159 The twentieth century saw great change. In your opinion, what is one change that should be remembered about the twentieth century? Use specific reasons and details to explain in your choice.

In retrospect, lots of changes have occurred in the past century along with the rapid development of human society. Some are positive. These changes facilitate people’s life. For example, the gorgeous edifices have replaced the homely hovels, and the convenient freeways have substituted for the muddy path. Others are negative. The destruction of ecosystem, especially the environmental pollution, is without doubt the serious one. In my opinion, without an adapted ecosystem, what we gain today is just a facade of prosperity.

The friction between the improvement of standard of living and the environmental protection is inevitable. The distinctive frailty of modern industries is “high speed, high expend and high pollution”. Moreover, polluting can hand on in the whole process. For instance, an auto factory itself makes some pollution. And then vehicles, the products of the factory, make air pollution by exhaling the waste gas. In addition, because of the population explosion, its influence has accelerated and magnified the pollution. Human beings consume so many natural resources that a large amount of pollution that enters into the Earth environment. Take a look around, whether the sky appears sky-blue when a sunny day. People with earshot are compassed by loud and shrill noises.

To the modern day, it is my understanding that people think highly of and chase the great economical achievement, regardless other aspects of social framework and individual value. Had some people thought over their intemperate life style, the condition would not be so bad. As a case in point, the insatiable demand for hides implies a holocaust of certain animals, leading an off-balance in the ecosystem. If people continue to ignore and infringe the law of nature, not only the habitat but human beings as well will be damaged and destroied. I do not want to see that beings would prepare a tombstone inscribed “We killed ourselves”.

In view of above, I consider the destruction of ecosystem is one change that should be motioned. Fortunately, people nowadays acknowledge the past faults in the process of developing and attempt to remedy them. We can see that, people imbue their offspring with a sense of responsibility for the environmental protection.

[此贴子已经被作者于2004-10-30 23:44:40编辑过]

likui

重新着手写【逵逵写作文】系列，百感交集，

配合南瓜姐的活动，选了这篇鸡肋，忘诸公为之斟酌修改。

                                                              likui

soaring

谢谢kuikui

friend_friend

TWE-159 The twentieth century saw great change. In your opinion, what is one change that should be remembered about the twentieth century? Use specific reasons and details to explain in your choice.

In retrospect, lots of changes have occurred in the past century along with the rapid development of human society. Some are positive. These changes facilitate people’s life. For example, the gorgeous edifices have replaced the homely hovels, and the convenient freeways have substituted for the muddy path. Others are negative. The destruction of ecosystem, especially the environmental pollution, is without doubt the serious one. In my opinion, without an adapted ecosystem, what we gain today is just a facade of prosperity.

(The examples illustrated in the first paragraphy were a little bit inappropriate. The changes which you refered to were those happened in the 20th century. However, the changes in your examples were not exclusive to the 20th century.)

The friction between the improvement of standard of living and the environmental protection is inevitable. The distinctive frailty of modern industries is “high speed, high expend (expense) and high pollution”. Moreover, polluting can hand on (pollution could be passed on) in the whole process. For instance, an auto factory itself makes some pollution. And then vehicles, the products of the factory, make air pollution by exhaling the waste gas. In addition, because of the population explosion, its influence has accelerated and magnified the pollution. ("its influence" here is redundant since you use both "because of" and "its influnece" here. Sounds like we say "因为人口爆炸的原因, 人口爆炸的结果是...") Human beings consume so many natural resources that a large amount of pollution that enters into the Earth environment. Take a look around, whether the sky appears sky-blue when a sunny day. People with earshot are compassed by loud and shrill noises.

To the modern day, it is my understanding that people think highly of and chase the great economical achievement, regardless other aspects of social framework and individual value. Had some people thought over their intemperate life style, the condition would not  be (have been) so bad. As a case in point, the insatiable demand for hides implies a holocaust of certain animals, leading an off-balance in the ecosystem. If people continue to ignore and infringe the law of nature, not only the habitat but human beings as well will be damaged and destroied. I do not want to see that beings would prepare a tombstone inscribed “We killed ourselves”.

In view of above, I consider the destruction of ecosystem is one change that should be motioned mentioned?Fortunately, people nowadays acknowledge the past faults in the process of developing and attempt to remedy them. We can see that, people imbue their offspring with a sense of responsibility for the environmental protection.

文章是好文章,遣词用句都相当有水准.但直到我读到最后一段之前,我都以为文章有些跑题了.第一段中的最后那句"In my opinion, without an adapted ecosystem, what we gain today is just a facade of prosperity."让人当然地人为是文章的中心,但此中心却与题目所需阐述不合. 虽然作者在最后一段做了一点补救,但已显得有些牵强.而且阅卷人可能远在读到这段前,就给文章判了刑.

建议:对于TWE作文,最好在第一段中能够开章明义.否则有若玩火,技巧高明有可能出奇制胜,反之则会引火烧身.

[此贴子已经被作者于2004-10-31 3:22:11编辑过]

likui

评的好！

我也是出于这种考虑（牵扯到第三段），第一段用the destruction of ecosystem替换了pollution的中心地位，不然整个都跑题了。

这个题目对我来说比较卡壳。

谢谢这位朋友，还望能多多批改本区其它作文，不胜感激。

soaring

thanks~！

likui

back!