bonfin作文贴

bonfin

09.11 独立（第二次修改）


In contemporary society, most people pursuesuccess in their career. Whether success is much easier to attain withoutfamily members’ help than in the past or not has aroused a(应该需要吧) heated debate. Some say that people can succeed without thehelp from their family members’ help. Ican agree with their view, but with reservations.

To begin with, government, companies and Non-Governmental Organizations(不能直接出现NGOs哈~我都忘记了,这提醒了我) sacrifice more to spurthe development of education. Therefore, more and more people could geteducated and chase(seize怎么样？) theopportunities to succeed. Moreover, people could learn knowledge from thedistance education or tutoring classes. Thedevelopment of education and media definitely offers different ways for people to improve their abilities to compete in thesociety. Furthermore, the society becomes more open and values justice morethan before. So, the help from family members has fewer effects on people’s successthan ever before.

Meanwhile, most present companies pay close attention to person’s abilities.For example, in the selling (还是sales？哪个？)industry, people with excellent eloquence and goodpromotion skills will bring the company more profits. As a result, company maypromote and give more salaries to the person（前面提到的是people,这里用them感觉比较好~同时promotesb是不是就可以~那么promotethem while raising the salary如何）. On the contrary, if someone gets a jobthrough his or her family members’ assistance but does not have remarkable workappearance, success will never arrive. Thus, the factor of family members’ helpcounts less and less in today’s competition. The success of people is moredetermined(可以这样吗?mostlydetermined怎么样？或者别的什么) by their comprehensivequalities and professional skills. （不清楚是不是应该写为 be determined more by...）

Granted, I concede that in some situation family’s help is important. Take theentrepreneurship for example, people who starting their own business will needa lot of money to establish their companies. Making companies run and profitalso needs money. Another example is that if they are businessmen, the networkis of significant importance. If people have contacts to many managers of different industries, they will get moreopportunities to cooperate with these companies. Hence, their business will runmore efficiently（有关系吗？没有吧~willdevelop faster and gain more profit如何?） and profitably. Since some family members work in commercialcircles, people can get help from their familymembers(àthem)and are(so they are，这里有一个因果吧) more likely to succeed than others.

In summary, I admit that in some extent family members’ help could raise thepossibilities of someone’s success. Nonetheless, in most circumstances, the changed society favors the people with excellent abilities andthey are easier to succeed without assistance from family and relatives.

修改：
sales industry    销售业

bonfin

09.12  TPO17 综合

In the passage, the writer suggests that it is necessary to control the use of agriculture and pesticide because it has bad effects on birds' habitats and reproduction. However, the professor refutes what is stated in the passage.

First, even though the expansion of urban area occupy the habitats ofbirds and lead to population reduction of a few birds, it offers better some birds better habitats such as pigeon. Therefore, the population of these birds may grow. This directly contradicts the writer's assertion.

Second, contrary to the statement in the reading that increasing human population will result in more agricultural activities that will affect the habitats of bird, the professor contends that people will use less land in the future. Then she supports this point with the fact that people could plant new more productive crops. In other words, although the use of land is decreased, the cultivation of these crops also can meet the need of human.

Finally, the professor asserts that chemical pesticides will not be harmful for birds to the degree that the writer claims. The professor proves that the claim is unconvincing by pointing out that people realize the problem and begin to use less toxic pesticides. Moreover, the use of genetically pest-resistant crops not only can decrease the use of pesticides and but also are not harmful for birds. Thus, the reproducing rate of birds will not be influenced.

bonfin

09.12  独立
Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? Patience is usually not a good strategy. We should take action now rather than later.

提纲：
1.立即行动能使梦想成为可能
2.立即行动有利于投资盈利
3.耐心也有一定的好处

In this day and age, the debate over whether patience is more useful than taking action right now or not has been raging for some time. Many people think that patience plays a vital role in our daily life. Personally, I prefer to the statement that taking action is a good way to attain what you want.

In the first place, in order to realize you dream, you should prepare quickly and take action as soon as possible. I heard a story about a young man who has dreamed to go to Tibet for many years. He has planned the travel lines on his notebook with patience and considered detailed information, but he never sets out. One day, a car accident took over his life and his dream never comes true. Although this is just a rare event, our life is full of other possibilities. Many people think there is always “the time” to do what they want. They wait patiently other than take action now. However, “the time” never arrives, because they must do other things and have no time to do what they thought in the past.

Furthermore, taking actions immediately other than waiting with patience is of importance in commercial circles sometimes. Take investment for example, when considering the investment of a new industry, some businessmen may be conservative. They observe other companies which have already invested for a long time but hesitate to invest. When more and more investors join in the industry, the profits every company gets are fewer than before. As a result, these businessmen lose the opportunities to get more profits.

Granted, this is reasonable to the extent that patience plays a vital role in our life. For example, if the price of your stocks declines rapidly in past few days, there is no need to fear and sell them all out. On the contrary, you should wait them to bounce patiently. Another example is that before chemists do experiments, they should design the whole progress patiently to ensure there is no danger in the course of experiments. If they hurry to plan and do the experiments, the consequence may be disastrous.

To sum up, despite of few special conditions that patience may work, taking action is a good strategy because it help us to seize the opportunities and time to get what we want.

羊咩咩yw

In this day and age, the debate over whether patience is more useful than taking action right now or not has been raging for some time. Many people think that patience plays a vital role in our daily life. Personally, I prefer to the statement that taking action is a good way to attain what you want.

In the first place, in order to realize you（your） dream, you should prepare quickly and take action as soon as possible. I heard a story about a young man who has dreamed to go to Tibet for many years. He has planned the travel lines on his notebook with patience and considered detailed information, but he never sets out. One day, a car accident took over his life and his dream never comes true. Although this is just a rare event, our life is full of other possibilities（我觉得把possibilities换成accidents能和前面的例子呼应上呢~~). Many people think there is always “the time” to do what they want. They wait patiently (我觉得这个词偏褒义，用在这里的话强调作用就不是很突出了~不过暂时想不到什么好的词呢~~呵呵，想想再回来和你讨论)other（rather） than take action now. However, “the time” never arrives, because they must do other things and have no time to do what they thought in the past.

Furthermore, taking actions immediately other than waiting with patience is of importance in commercial circles sometimes. Take investment for example, when considering the investment of a new industry, some businessmen may be conservative. They observe other companies which have already invested for a long time but hesitate to invest（这句话我没有看懂呢~~猜测你的意思改成这样了，They hesitate to invest and spend time observing other companies,however, those companies have already take the initiative to invest it for a long time. 我想说的是他们花很多时间去犹豫和观察，而其他公司早就拿到投资的主动权了~~改得不好不要介意哟，呵呵~~）. When more and more investors join in the industry, the profits every company gets are fewer than before. As a result, these businessmen lose the opportunities to get more profits.

Granted, this is reasonable to the extent that patience plays a vital role in our life. For example, if the price of your stocks declines rapidly in past few days, there is no need （最好不要用there be 句型的说~~换成It is unnecessary 会更好呢~~）to fear and sell them all out. On the contrary, you should wait them to bounce patiently. Another example is that before chemists do experiments, they should design the whole progress patiently to ensure there is no danger in the course of experiments. If they hurry to plan and do the experiments, the consequence may be disastrous.

To sum up, despite of few special conditions that patience may work, taking action is a good strategy because it help us to seize the opportunities and time to get what we want.


总体来说思路清晰~~字数也够，如果有改得不好的地方一起讨论哟~~加油，有时间记得来给批评我的作文哈~~haha

bonfin

09.12 独立（第二次修改）
In this day and age, the debate over whether patience is more useful than taking action right now or not has been raging for some time. Many people think that patience plays a vital role in our daily life. Personally, I prefer to the statement that taking action is a good way to attain what you want.

In the first place, in order to realize you（your）dream, you should prepare quickly and take action as soon as possible. I heard a story about a young man who has dreamed to go to Tibet for many years. He has planned the travel lines on his notebook with patience and considered detailed information, but he never sets out. One day, a car accident took over his life and his dream never comes true. Although this is just a rare event, our life is full of other possibilities（我觉得把possibilities换成accidents能和前面的例子呼应上呢~~).（我觉得还是生活充满了可能性比较好哈，比如有其他事情使我们不能做这些事，如果生活充满了事故有点可怕诶。）Many people think there is always “the time” to do what they want. They wait patiently(我觉得这个词偏褒义，用在这里的话强调作用就不是很突出了~不过暂时想不到什么好的词呢~~呵呵，想想再回来和你讨论)other（rather） than take action now. However, “the time” never arrives, because they must do other things and have no time to do what they thought in the past.

Furthermore, taking actions immediately other than waiting with patience is of importance in commercial circles sometimes. Take investment for example, when considering the investment of a new industry, some businessmen may be conservative. They observe other companies which have already invested for a long time but hesitate to invest（这句话我没有看懂呢~~猜测你的意思改成这样了，They hesitate to invest and spend time observing other companies,however, those companies have already take the initiative to invest it for a long time. 我想说的是他们花很多时间去犹豫和观察，而其他公司早就拿到投资的主动权了~~改得不好不要介意哟，呵呵~~）. （这里我没写好诶，想表达的是去观察别的已经进行投资的公司，因为怕承担风险，观察了很长时间但是却对投资一直犹豫不决。然后就本来可以获利更多的却得不到。They observe other companies that have already invested to see whether it is risky for a long time, but they hesitate to invest all the time. 不过感觉你写的那个也好，容易理解一些。） When more and more investors join in the industry, the profits every company gets are fewer than before. As a result, these businessmen lose the opportunities to get more profits.

Granted, this is reasonable to the extent that patience plays a vital role in our life. For example, if the price of your stocks declines rapidly in past few days, there is no need（最好不要用there be 句型的说~~换成It is unnecessary 会更好呢~~） （there is no need 的句型可以用的哈，给你一个新东方的托福写作介绍：http://toefl.xdf.cn/201203/1167623.html）to fear and sell them all out. On the contrary, you should wait them to bounce patiently. Another example is that before chemists do experiments, they should design the whole progress patiently to ensure there is no danger in the course of experiments. If they hurry to plan and do the experiments, the consequence may be disastrous.

To sum up, despite of few special conditions that patience may work, taking action is a good strategy because it help us to seize the opportunities and time to get what we want.

修改：
other than  除了
rather than  而不是

bonfin

09.13  TPO18 综合

The writer suggests that three way coud be taken into action to preseve the Torreya toxifoha. However, the professor refutes what is stated in the passage.

First, the writer asserts that by reestablishing Torreya in its original area that are cool and damp, experts could help Torreya grow and avoid its declination. However, the professor points out that original are are drier than before because of climate changes. Therefore, it is not suitable for Torreya to grow. This directly contradicts the passage.

Moreover, the writer claims that scientists can relocate the Torreya in further north area which is favorable to Torreya. The professor concedes that the way may work out. But the professor also points out the rapid growth of Torreya may have bad effects on the original tree species. She proves that by taking an example of transportation of another tree. The trees spread affects the survival of other trees, especially those that are already endangered.

Last but not least, contrary to the statament in the passage that scientists could keep Torreya in research centers to not only research on it but also ensure its further survival, the professor proves the claim is unconvincing by stating that the preservation of Torreya need both large population and genetic diversity. But the research center cannot offer enough room to meet the need. Therefore, it is impossible for Torreya to survive for a long time.

羊咩咩yw

谢谢你给我的地址呢~~我是看的那个10天搞定托福作文那个上面说不要用there be 句型，但是个人理解太窄了，没意识到there is no need是可以用滴~~所以......很喜欢你滴作文呢，一起加油~~

frankiyian

912综合批改，请下载。如果有批改错的请原谅！并一起讨论，纠正= =

bonfin

09.13 独立作文

9.13 Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? Colleges or Universities should offer more courses to prepare students for the future before they start working.

50min369 words.交晚了对不起批改的童鞋吖

提纲：
1.学科之间有渗透性，会对自己的工作有一定帮助。
2.多学一些课程提高竞争力，公司会偏向于多技能人才。
3.学习过多课程可能会导致本专业学得不精，或者影响其他有利自身发展的活动。

In this day and age, whether students should take more courses offered by Colleges or Universities is still open to debate. Some people assert that it may be helpful for the future of students. Personally, I agree with their view, but I would qualify it to some extent.

To begin with, the study of courses outside a student’s own field could benefit the study of his or her major, because different kinds of disciplines are related. For example, if you are major in finance, the good master of mathematics will help you a lot in your research. Moreover, if you work as a financial analyst, mathematics plays a vital role in your investment decision. Another example is the learning of philosophy. Since philosophy is the basic foundation of all disciplines.

Furthermore, as the competition becomes fiercer, many people begin to search for other opportunities of development. For instance, people who are major in engineering may begin to learn the courses of accounting. The phenomenon is more universal than before because when the companies hold the interviews, they favor the person who owns more skills. The reason why these companies value the kind of person is that hiring one person owns two or more skills is more economical than hiring two or more people who have just one specialization.

Granted, I concede that the studying of more courses occupies the time that students learn their own majors. If they cannot distribute their time well, they may have poor performance in their major. What is worse, it may affect them because they may not have qualified skills to find a job in the future. Besides, we can take part in various activities to improve our comprehensive qualities. For example, by joining in the volunteer projects, we can develop our responsibilities for the whole society. If we waste too much time to study more courses, we will lose a good approach to improve our adaption to the society.

In conclusion, I am in favor of the view that Colleges and Universities should offer more courses to students. But the students also need to learn how to set their plans; otherwise, the strategy will have bad effects on them rather than benefit them.

bonfin

09.12  TPO17 综合二次修改

In the passage, the writer suggests that it is necessary to control the use of agriculture and pesticide[l1] because it [l2]has bad effects on birds' habitats and reproduction. （In the passage, the writer claims that the number of birds will decrease because of the growing human population and increasing land utilization.）However, the professor refutes what is stated in the passage.

First, even though the expansion of urban area occupy [l3](occupies) the habitats ofbirds and lead [l4](leads) to population reduction of a few birds, it offers better some [l5]birds better habitats such as [l6]pigeon. Therefore, the population of these birds may grow. This directly contradicts the writer's assertion.
it offers a better habitats for many other kinds of birds such as….  (it offers better habitats for many other kinds of birds such as pigeon.)

Second, contrary to the statement in the reading that increasing human population will result in more agricultural activities that will affect the habitats of bird, the professor contends that people will use less land in the future. Then she supports this point with the fact that people could plant new more [l7]productive crops (我这里的more 是修饰productive，而不是crops，事实上不需要more crops 吖). In other words, although the use of land is decreased, the cultivation of these crops also can meet the need of human.

Finally, the professor asserts that chemical pesticides will not be harmful for birds to the degree that the writer claims. The professor proves that the claim is unconvincing by pointing out that people realize the problem and begin to use less toxic pesticides. Moreover, the use of genetically pest-resistant crops not only can decrease the use of pesticides and [l8]but also are not harmful for birds. Thus, the reproducing rate of birds will not be influenced. (Moreover, the use of genetically pest-resistant crops can not only decrease the use of pesticides but also prevent birds from decrease.)

By pointing out that people realize the problem and begin to use less toxic pesticides，the professor proves the claim is unconvincing. (弱弱地说一句，我原句的格式参照的是《十天突破新托福essay》的模板...当然你这样的句式看上去要清晰些，下次我会注意的啦~thx~)

注意：
1. 一定不要加入个人臆断，要原文改写。
2. 句子不要写得让人读得晕乎乎的，要多样化但是要清晰简洁。
3. 字数到底要写多少吖，尽量多写吧~

[l1]The use of agriculture很awkward
[l2]A and B做主语，应该是负数
[l3]Occupies？
[l4]Leads？
[l5]不对吧？
[l6]Habitats 和birds要换下位置，不然就成了。。。栖息地，比如说鸽子 ><
[l7]New放错地
[l8]Not only。。。 and but also不对！and要去掉，经典平行结构，前后要调整一下， can not only decrease 。。。but also prevent bird from chemical harm更好，这样结构平行，句子比较通

1.字数234.略少??
2.passage本身并未提出“控制农业种植和杀虫剂”只是陈述了人多-鸟少的事实。如果真的写在综合里，这点可能会扣分= =
3.2点那段，首句两个that从句，很模糊，不是说本身俩that造成语义模糊，如果平行的话还好。但是这句是一环套一环那种的。。。

可能卤煮写的太着急了，有点地方的错误很容易避免，但是几处句子结构很伤，看的吃力。还有就是不要加个人判断，综合要把自己完全放在第三者的角度上写的。我专门有去tpo阅读了一边passage，确实没有提到作者对杀虫剂和农业用地的态度。