第一次加入，第一次作文，第一次t，望大家猛拍

ioioke

9.3 Do you agree that it is better to spend money on traveling and vacation than save
money for the future.


Some people always want to save money for the future. Because they want to be prepared for any accident. They feel happy when their savings go up. However, I am prefer to spend money on traveling and vacation. I would like to go different place, meet different people, know different culture.



Nowadays, people have a lot of pressure from their job. One of my husband co-workers died in their office a month ago. He was only 32 years old. However, he works 12 hours a day, and 7 days a week. His death cause bu his hard working and pressure. All of my husband's officemate, include my husband, have high blood pressure. The high blood pressure not cause by their family history, but because they have lots of work need to be finished everyday. I think they need to take vacation every month. During vacation, they do not need to worried about phone calls, meetings and deadlines. They are relaxing during vacation, and enjoy their piece of mind with their family.



Traveling and vacation are good activities for family. Adults could relax, children could learn a lot from a trip. I took my child went to a train museum last week. He is only 21 month old, but he was so exiting for the trip. He saw a lot of antique cars, tractors, planes. Those are my boy's favorite. He always says "Cho, Cho" when he saw a train in a book after we came back from the museum. It is surprise me. I think he is too young to remember. But he did it. I think it is worth for this trip, even we spend $50 for the admit ion and gas.



People are not machines to make money and save money. People have feelings. We do need to relax, spend time with our family. Child could learn a lot from traveling. So do we. My husband goes "people will learn more from walking 100 miles than reading 100 books". I agree with him.




Some people always want to save money for the future. Because they want to be prepared for any accident. They feel happy when their savings go up. However, I am prefer to spend money on traveling and vacation. I would like to go different place, meet different people, know different culture.



Nowadays, people have a lot of pressure from their job. One of my husband co-workers died in their office a month ago. He was only 32 years old. However, he works 12 hours a day, and 7 days a week. His death cause bu his hard working and pressure. All of my husband's officemate, include my husband, have high blood pressure. The high blood pressure not cause by their family history, but because they have lots of work need to be finished everyday. I think they need to take vacation every month. During vacation, they do not need to worried about phone calls, meetings and deadlines. They are relaxing during vacation, and enjoy their piece of mind with their family.



Traveling and vacation are good activities for family. Adults could relax, children could learn a lot from a trip. I took my child went to a train museum last week. He is only 21 month old, but he was so exiting for the trip. He saw a lot of antique cars, tractors, planes. Those are my boy's favorite. He always says "Cho, Cho" when he saw a train in a book after we came back from the museum. It is surprise me. I think he is too young to remember. But he did it. I think it is worth for this trip, even we spend $50 for the admit ion and gas.



People are not machines to make money and save money. People have feelings. We do need to relax, spend time with our family. Child could learn a lot from traveling. So do we. My husband goes "people will learn more from walking 100 miles than reading 100 books". I agree with him.

ykhjy

9.3  独立修改  蓝色good 黄色需修改  红色我改的 绿色批注建议 Do you agree that it is better to spend money on traveling and vacation than save money for the future.


Some people always want to save money for the future. Because[because 这里把两句话连起来比较好]they want to be prepared for any accident. They feel happy when their savings go up. However, I am prefer to spend money on traveling and vacation. I would like to go different place, meet different people, know different culture.【立场是挺明确的，但建议适当用一些逻辑连词】



Nowadays, people have a lot of pressure from their[the这里用their也不是不行，但是后面跟着的是单数形式的job总是感觉不对的，索性用the把] job. One of my husband's co-workers died in their office a month ago. He was only 32 years old. However, he works[worked 注意时态] 12 hours a day, and 7 days a week. His death cause bu[你是想说因为么，用cause不好，可以用resulted from]his hard working and pressure. All of my husband's officemates include[including] my husband, have high blood pressure. The high blood pressure [is] not caused by their family history, but because they have lots of work need to be finished everyday[这里要注意，前面用的cause by sth，那么but 后面应该跟另一个sth，这应该是一个句型，it is not sth but sth。所以这句话可以这么写：but a large amount of work they need to finish]. I think they need to take vacation every month. During vacation, they do not need to [be] worried about phone calls, meetings and deadlines. They are relaxing during vacation, and enjoy their piece[peace?] of mind with their family.



Traveling and vacation are good activities for family. Adults could relax,[and] children could learn a lot from a trip. I took my child went to a train museum last week. He is only 21 months old, but he was so exiting for the trip. He saw a lot of antique cars, tractors, planes. Those are my boy's favorites. He always says "Cho, Cho" when he saw a train in a book after we came back from the museum. It is [a] surprise [to] me. I think he is too young to remember. But he did it. I think it is worth for this trip, even we spend[spent] $50 for the admit ion and gas.



People are not machines to make money and save money. People have feelings. We do need to relax, spending time with our family. Child could learn a lot from traveling. So do we. My husband goes "people will learn more from walking 100 miles than reading 100 books". I agree with him.


【又一个孩子的第一次栽在我手上了哈 说正经的。。
   整篇文章呢，立场明确，有例子，但有些地方得注意下
   tips：1.最大的问题就是没有逻辑连词，从整篇文章的结构上来看，虽然分了段，最好在每段话要有一个中心句，最好是在首句。从句子之间关系来看，也缺少很多逻辑关联词，这样句子不够能证明你想说的
         2.语法问题：主谓一致、一个句子中只能有一个、单复数、时态、词性。这些都是要注意的。
                  加油加油！
                   有问题随时来找我讨论o~】

ioioke

改的好仔细，多谢多谢。 请问你说的逻辑关联词是指那些？能不能举几个例子？我这基础真是差。马上去帮你改。谢谢

fuzhengrui

ioioke

9.4独立，写得很吃尽

Some leaders always make decision to their own. They think they have the rights to make decision and they are too bossy to ask opinion from other people. However, as following reasones I think an efficient leader will always try to make everyone feel that he's in part of a decision making.

First of all, leader plays an important roll in decison making. Because he is the one to make decision. However, leader may make some mistake even he does not realise. One computer company I worked for, for example, I suggested to change a new look for our laptop. Fashion outlook could attract new customers.  However, our supervisor did not agree with me. At the end of that year, we found our competitor changed outlook of their laptop. They got a lot of customer from us, and they got many new customer. Our company got loss on that year. I think this is why team work is more and more important.

No matter the group gain or lose profit. Everyone in the group need to take responsiablity for the result. When the group need to make decision, everyone will give his own opinion. It is a good way to make people think about their group. Chinese sicentest  goes, “Three common people could be greater than Darwin.”

In conclusion, more people have more power. If everyone in the group feel that he’s in part of a decision making. They will save a lot of time of making decision. The group could make more profit because they have an efficient leader.

ioioke

TPO9
The passage is talking about how the fuel cell engines are better than internal-combustion engine.

Firstly, internal combustion engine is relies on petroleum. However, petroleum is a finite resource. In the lecture, the professor agree with this point. The professor also point out that the water in hydrogen-based fuel engines is unuseable. It is not easy to get from natural gas. It needs cold liquit as -253F degree.

Secondly, the passage will solve many of the world's pollution problems. The professor in the lecture agree with it. However, the professor also told us. It will producing pollution when generate the liquid for hydrogen-based engine. They need to burn coal and oil. It will produce carbon dioxide too.

Thirdly, the passage told us operate fuel- cell engines cost less money than operate interanl-combustion engines. The professor in the lecture told us it is true. However, we need to pay more money for fuel-cell engines. The fuel-cell engines price is much higher than interanl-combustion engines. The different price is enough to pay for the higher gasline.

ioioke

多谢，说的都很对，我的路还很长呀。

ykhjy

逻辑关联词，从整篇文章结构上来说，有总分关系的，比如说，总的有说 reasons are stated as follows，然后分段说firstly，secondly，thirdly... 从句子间关系来说， 就是表明前后句子之间关系的，有因果关系可以用的逻辑关联词有since、in that、because、result in 等等；并列关系：moreover、besides、in addition；转折关系：however、but；递进：even、让步：even though、given that

改的好仔细，多谢多谢。 请问你说的逻辑关联词是指那些？能不能举几个例子？我这基础真是差。马上去帮你改。谢谢

-- by 会员 ioioke (2012/9/5 11:07:45)

kchszy061ban

蓝色为意见或建议高亮为精彩绿色为总结红色为错误
Some leaders always make decision to their own（to their own, 是only based on their own experience, knowledge and information?）. They think they have the rights to make decision and they are too bossy to ask opinion from other people. However, as following reasones I think an efficient leader will always try to make everyone feel that he's in part of a decision making.

First of all, leader plays an important roll(role) in decison making. (这里和上句连成一句吧)Because he is the one to make decision. However, leader may make some mistake even he does not realise（realize it）. (take)One computer company I worked for, for example, I suggested to change a new look for our laptop. Fashion outlook could attract new customers.However, our supervisor did not agree with me. At the end of that year, we found our competitor changed outlook of their laptop. They got a lot of customer from us, and they got many new customer. Our company got loss on that year. I think this is why team work is more and more important.(感觉最后写，如果leader makes everyone can take part in decision making in this situation, our company could avoid this bad outcome, 你感觉怎么样？)

No matter the group gain or lose （第三人称单数）profit. （这里也是一句，不要分开）Everyone in the group need（第三人称单数） to take responsiablity for the result. When the group need（第三人称单数） to make decision, everyone will give his own opinion. It is a good way to make people think about their group. Chinese sicentestgoes, “Three common people could be greater than Darwin.” （这里最好不要自己制造谚语额）

In conclusion, more people have more power（这里，more power，我是觉得你可以用一个长句来解释下，不应该直接翻译成英语）. If everyone in the group feels that he’s in part of a decision making.（这里句号不要） They will save a lot of time of making decision. The group could make more profit because they have an efficient leader.（profits）
还好啦，开始写的时候是不是都要自己想句子什么? 这个其实是要看别人的表达，自己去模仿别人的句式。

ioioke

多谢讲解。学习了，下次作文主意。

逻辑关联词，从整篇文章结构上来说，有总分关系的，比如说，总的有说 reasons are stated as follows，然后分段说firstly，secondly，thirdly... 从句子间关系来说， 就是表明前后句子之间关系的，有因果关系可以用的逻辑关联词有since、in that、because、result in 等等；并列关系：moreover、besides、in addition；转折关系：however、but；递进：even、让步：even though、given that

改的好仔细，多谢多谢。 请问你说的逻辑关联词是指那些？能不能举几个例子？我这基础真是差。马上去帮你改。谢谢

-- by 会员 ioioke (2012/9/5 11:07:45)

-- by 会员 ykhjy (2012/9/5 15:58:38)