真言的写作

fuzhengrui

我以后说话会更委婉一些的哈哈
要是说得不对欢迎指出

付图图的改正一如既往的犀利。

-- by 会员 pedrohuo (2012/8/31 19:18:25)

xeyyxzty

我明天看你的作文哈~
睡去了~~~

steigen

9.3  独立写作

有点晚了 很抱歉

People today can travel all over the world contributes to the advancement of transportation. People seldom agree with each other even in such trivial issues that compared with spending money on traveling or vacation, depositing for the future is much more plausible. As far as I am concerned, it is a little bit hasty to set this assertion.



Part of the joy of traveling is making diverse friends with various backgrounds. It would establish widen circles and build social connections which are much more worthy than saving money. An old Chinese saying goes,"one more friend means one more option." I cannot find a better instance than my present job in Beijing which is recommended by my friend who I met during my vacation in Beijing. Since she is a native, her convenience of receiving employment information delivered me from unemployment. Making friends on our trip could not only enrich our lives but benefit for the future as well.



Moreover, traveling and vacation takes people's minds off matters that cause worry and stress. In modern society, the increasingly fierce competition pushes people to the edge of breakdown. Thus, people need to liberate themselves from the anxiety or depression for their future careers. Studies show that employees need a vacation at least two months for retaining the best efficiency to the work. It illustrates that traveling or vacation could adjust people in a good mood for their work which makes sure the superior work, earning more salaries.



In addition to relieving stresses, the procedure of traveling is one of the best opportunities to identify ourselves. It is universally acknowledged that an invariable environment compels people insensitive for one’s state. Therefore, there is no doubt that changing in circumstances like traveling or vacation provide a chance to make a difference. Maybe a successful businessman was virtually appealed by the beauty of nature during his vacation and then he identified being a conservationist is his ultimate pursing. In our rapid modern life, conversation like traveling or vacation is needed for thinking through our future.



Admittedly, accurate financial plans are needed for everyone. Too much traveling and vacation without any budget for the future is also not recommended. In a sense, it is vital for keeping balance between suitable relaxation through traveling and vacation and depositing for the unpredicted future.

xeyyxzty

红色觉得有问题;绿色不清楚;高亮当然是很好~~~

People today can travel all over the world contributes（这是两个动词吧…） to the advancement of transportation.People seldom agree with each other even in such trivial issues that comparedwith spending money on traveling or vacation, depositing for the future is muchmore plausible. As far asI am concerned, it is a little bit hasty to set this assertion.

Part of the joy of traveling is making diverse friends withvarious backgrounds. It would establish widen circles（我不知道是不是这么表达啊…如果确定告诉我一声哟） and buildsocial connections which are much more worthy than saving money. An old Chinesesaying goes,"one more friend means one more option." I cannot find a better instancethan my present job in Beijing which is recommended by my friend who I metduring my vacationin Beijing.（这个地点有必要吗？既和前面重复，又不是必要的信息） Since she is a native, herconvenience of receiving employment information delivered me from unemployment.（这两个用法我也不清楚是否正确…才疏学浅…不要见怪） Making friends on our trip could not only enrich our livesbut benefit for the future as well.

Moreover, traveling and vacation takes（travel） people'sminds off matters that cause（个人偏爱bring） worry andstress. In modern society, the increasingly fierce competition pushes people tothe edge of breakdown. Thus, people need to liberate themselves from theanxiety or depression for their future careers. Studies show that employeesneed a vacation at least two months for retaining the bestefficiency（best可以修饰Efficiency吗？效率有高/低，best可以吗） to thework. It（指代什么？前文的studies是复数，可是我找不到别的了） illustrates that traveling or vacation could adjust people in a goodmood for their work which makes sure（我不知道make sure是否可以直接接名词，总想用从句…） the superior work, earning more salaries（个人觉得Earn money比较好）.

In addition to relieving stresses, the procedure（不恰当吧，也许可以用process，可是也觉得不好…找不到适当的词了） oftraveling is one of the best opportunities to identify ourselves. It is universallyacknowledged that an invariable environment compels people insensitive forone’s state. Therefore, there is no doubt that changing（changes怎么样） incircumstances like traveling or vacation， provide a chance to make a difference. Maybe a successfulbusinessman was virtually appealed by the beauty of nature during his vacationand then he identified being a conservationist is his ultimate pursing. In ourrapid modern life, conversation（这个词还有我不知道的意思吗？如果没有那么用在这里是什么意思？不懂…） like traveling or vacation is neededfor thinking through our future.

Admittedly, accurate financial plans are needed foreveryone. Too much traveling and vacation without any budget for the future isalso not recommended. In a sense, it is vital for keeping balance betweensuitable relaxation through traveling and vacation and depositing for theunpredicted future.



最后,就是发表一下感慨
唔...写的真好...我能看到的只是小问题...
觉得那个businessman的例子不是很convincing，identify oneself虽然也体现了，但如果给那个人最后加一个结局，比如说之前是商人，但是很普通，通过旅游找到自己真正的目标，然后成功了，比较好（个人建议）

steigen

To xey,

谢谢亲的很中肯的建议噢~  
1.  establish widen circles 是建立更广的社交圈  算是比较地道的说法
2.  那个第四段，identify individual 那个确实是我硬加进去的，需要加点细节啊~
3.  conservation 那个我用错了 应该是trasition什么的

steigen

It is much easier for people to achieve success without their family members’ help now than in the past.





An individual success virtually is demanded various aspects or factors in one's life. People always hold different point of perceptions about the question that whether or not achieving success without family members'help is becoming easier now than former life. For me, I hold the opinion that an individual family members have profound impacts on one's success nowadays with increasingly fierce competition society.



First of all, financial aid is needed from family for one's beginning status. Ensuring of normal and basic life should beguaranteed in unsubstantial primary state. Certainly, without supply for essential life, it is too hard to have achievements. I cannot find a better instance but college graduates in China. There are no denying that the number of college graduatesis skyrocketing in these years. Thus, it's not hard to imaginetheir unfavorable situation, from harsh competitionto low salaries. Supports of finance from families are necessary for them to ensure daily life or even to have a success.



Moreover, social circles, relationships and connections are made by families' help in recent days ,facilitating one's success. The biggest difference between recent and past yeas is that communities in nowadays are connected with in deep and intricate ways. Therefore, without certain social circles among family members, it is hard to achieve success just one own ability. Plenty of well-known corporations are family business such as Hilton hotels, Estee Lauder and so on so forth. Reliances and consociations based on the family members could make a great achievement.



In addition to financial aid, mental supports from families play a significant role in modern life. According to the latest statistics reported by China Daily, over seventy percent of office workers are suffered different kinds of psychological diseases. In certain, these stress obstruct individual ways of success. Thus, family times in the evening or family vacations during the weekends could release one from the fierce competition to the career success.



Admittedly, the essential virtue of an individual success is diligence. If one does not strive for his own achievement,  he cannot attain anything, no matter what helps from family he has received. However, in recent modern life with increasingly fierce competition, without families' help, one hardly can achieve success.

beiyezi

An individual success virtually is demanded various aspects or factors in one's life. People always hold different point of perceptions about the question that whether or not achieving success without family members' help is becoming easier now than former life. For me, I hold the opinion that an individual family member have(has) profound impacts on one's success nowadays with increasingly fierce competition society.



First of all, financial aid is needed from family for one's beginning status. Ensuring of normal and basic life should be guaranteed in unsubstantial primary state. Certainly, without supply for essential life, it is too hard to have achievements. I cannot find a better instance but college graduates in China. There are(is) no denying that the number of college graduates is skyrocketing in these years. Thus, it's not hard to imagine their unfavorable situation, from harsh competition to low salaries. Supports of finance from families are necessary for them to ensure daily life or even to have a success.



Moreover, social circles, relationships and connections are made by families' help in recent days, facilitating one's success. The biggest difference between recent and past yeas is that communities in nowadays are connected with in deep and intricate ways. Therefore, without certain social circles among family members, it is hard to achieve success just one own ability. Plenty of well-known corporations are family business such as Hilton hotels, Estee Lauder and so on so forth. Reliances(不可数) and consociations based on the family members could make a great achievement.



In addition to financial aid, mental supports from families play a significant role in modern life. According to the latest statistics reported by China daily, over seventy percent of office workers are suffered different kinds of psychological diseases. In certain, these stress(es) obstruct individual ways of success. Thus, family times in the evening or family vacations during the weekends could release one from the fierce competition to the career success.



Admittedly, the essential virtue of an individual success is diligence. If one does not strive for his own achievement,  he cannot attain anything, no matter what helps from family he has received. However, in recent modern life with increasingly fierce competition, without families' help, one hardly can achieve success.

语言方面:简洁干净,有条理,用词也挺好
结构方面:突出了没有家庭帮忙的种种困难,但是没和以前比较.
能力有限,只能改到这个程度, 改错了一定要跟我说哈

steigen

To beiyezi: 谢谢批改，以后会多多注意单复数的~  

frankiyian

独立呢。。。交作业！

steigen

9.12  独立写作  交晚了 不好意思啊~
In modern increasingly fierce competitionand chaotic society, choosing from essential virtues between patience andaction is always come in table. People always get distinctive perceptions aboutthis argument; for me, however, I would rather to assert that patience andpositivity are equally undeniable for one's achievement. In some cases, theability of waiting is needed for in certain region, in other cases vigorousmovements are plausible for following reasons.


First of all, patience is one of the greatmoralities, encouraging or impulsing others all time. Research identified that patienceof parents has a great impact to behaviors, intelligences and achievements oftheir children. If a child cannot get a good score in his courses or he hardlyenables to play the piano as outstanding as others, parents should retain theirpatient minds rather than judge or punish their children; otherwise, rebelscould be responded by them which may cause mental disease to their children.Thus, there is no denying that patience is a dominant virtue of one individual.

On the other hand, motivations or actionsare much more advisable for eminent results. In certain area, quietly,motionlessly or patiently remaining one stage is not sensible as actively movingfor a certain goal. It is ridiculous that a swimmer is just focusing on thedirection manual patiently without any approaching to swimming pools; it isalso ironic that as a businessman who is clutching Das Kaptical merely with noacknowledgements about commercial circles. Therefore, in many cases actionmovements are the first step of to be preeminent and distinguished.

In a sense, the association with patienceand actions is superior to just exploiting one single way. The best strategycould be identified that proper actions based on primary researches andsuitable patience which is not too harsh to the accomplishment are predominantfor an individual success. For children's education likewise for being anextraordinary businessman, actions are
the process of emient ability accumulationsand then patience are essential to the success way.

In a word, we have got to study hardpatiently, to enlarge our scope of knowledge, to realize our potentials.Likewise, motivations or actions to the superior movements should be taken topursue an individual's great achievements. All in all, both patience and actionsare good strategy to win our lives.