真言的写作

steigen

同学的建议让我很受用啊  尤其是图书馆的那一段  以后一定会注意的~   谢谢你~！

steigen

8.30 独立写作

Some people believe that government should make investments to art museums and music performance centers to cultivate locals' sense of art. Others propose that recreational facilities are vital parts of our life. Personally, I willingly tend to the latter opinion for the following reasons.



Firstly, recreational facilities such as gymnastics, swimming pools and playground provide places to people to release tension and aggression. If one is particularly stressed out in school or life, getting exercise can help the person to relax. As for letting out aggression, it is much healthier to kick a football than going to some art museums.



Moreover, physical exercise usually involves teamwork of some sort. Much of the exercise that young people get involves games such as basketball, volleyball, or football. All of these sports teach people how to work together to achieve a common goal,

in this case, winning. I also believe that allowing people to work together in a fun environment, rather than only going to art museums or somewhere, brings a stronger sense of camaraderie, which helps people to have healthy relationships with others.



Admittedly, cultivating sense of art through going to art museums or learning music performance plays a significant role to the society. However, comparing with artistic accomplishments, governments are supposed to balance out people's hectic life, and make it pleasurable through developing recreational facilities.



In conclusion, government should pay much attention to communities' recreational facilities, since they bring physical health, well-cooperated groups and further a harmony society.

实在是没有耐心写了， 有好思路就请多多指教啊~

N只梨花压海棠

8月30 独立改
Some people believe that government should make(这词用词不当 , 建议：pitch in) investments to art museums and music performance centers to cultivate locals' sense of art. Others propose that recreational facilities are vital parts(应该为单数，is a vital part of ) of our life. Personally, I willingly tend to (缺少谓语，tend to support )the latter opinion for the following reasons.



Firstly, recreational facilities such as gymnastics, swimming pools and playground provide places to people to release tension and aggression. If one is particularly stressed out in school or life, getting exercise can help the person to relax. (理由不充分，需要更详细地解释下为啥运动能释放压力)As for letting out aggression, it is much healthier to kick a football(还是play scoccer吧，kick a football被理解成橄榄球里面的踢球) than going to some art museums.(比较结构前后平行，than to go to )


Moreover, physical exercise usually involves teamwork of some sort. (some sort of teamwork)Much of the exercise that young people get involves (are,少谓语)games such as basketball, volleyball, or football. All of these sports teach people how to work together to achieve a common goal,(这段观点不错)

in this case, winning（什么意思）. I also believe that allowing people to work together in a fun environment, rather than only going to art museums or somewhere, brings a stronger sense of camaraderie(这次你想表达的是合作吧，你那个词容易引起歧义,cooperation), which helps people to have healthy relationships with others.



Admittedly, cultivating sense of art through going to art museums or learning music performance plays a significant role to the society. However, comparing with artistic accomplishments, governments are supposed to balance out people's hectic(restless/wore-out都可以) life, and make it pleasurable(avaiblable) through developing recreational facilities.



In conclusion, government should pay much attention to communities' recreational facilities, since they bring physical health, well-cooperated groups and further a harmony society.


To 真言同学


不知道你要求是什么样的，不过目前来讲你的作文还需要很大提高
1，语言表述方面，遣词造句还应该多积累，sense of 用了不止三次，而且缺少必要的托福词汇
2，语法方面有一些小的错误，句式不是非常地丰满
3，逻辑上，对话题的把握上还有提升空间
4，作文是个output的过程，output可能就半个小时，但是input需要长年累月的积累，所以多看些英文读物
5，good luck，可能话说的有点多，不过努力总有收获的

steigen

真的好谢谢海棠的点评啊~  我就是一个刚接触作文的鸟人，现在根本就抓不住重点的一通乱写啊~  
会加油的！！！

fuzhengrui

pedrohuo

付图图的改正一如既往的犀利。

steigen

谢谢fuzhengrui的改正啊， 收获蛮多的~  
我现在除了去看看范文，不知道怎么去提高作文好了， 大家有什么好的建议吗？？？

steigen

8.31 独立

In my hometown, there is a well-known fairy story about a poor country boy, Deyi Jin, who goes to Beijing because he believes that the streets of that city are "paved with gold." The story is a tale of "from rags to riches." Deyi eventually becomes the mayor of Beijing. From this story, we cannot hardly find that going out from our villages maybe the first step to our success and happiness.



Cities contain a great assortment of people. China is made up of numerous people with different races, religions, abilities, and interests. Today, in the age of globetrotting transport and communications, city life is more mixed than it has even been. Capital city like Beijing is becoming cosmopolitan, and eager to attract foreign trade and currency. There is a contemporary Chinese joke that tells, "You can hardly find a native in Beijing." Diverse people and life of a big city always fascinate us.



The magic of Deyi Jin story is rekindled in me when I enjoy an opera in a magnificent theater, China's National Grand Theater of Beijing. If a person is at university majoring art or music, a big city usually offers galleries and public performances. Moreover, architecture is the urban landscape. If a person has an appreciation of architecture, a big city can be as visually exciting as the Himalayas. Thus, big cities could provide superior opportunities to us for pursuing our dreams.



Whether rightly or wrongly, governments and local authorities usually build public amenities in the big cities. Money is invested in plenty of facilities for living, recreation and health care. Nowadays, people concern more about their health and safety than any other thing in their lives. In big cities, medical facilities and emergency services are easily accessible than in the countryside.



Admittedly, security is a concern, and that is one area where small towns are superior to big cities. However, I still would rather be a bit more cautious living in a large city than feel secure but bored and tedious in a small village.


字数还是达不到标准啊。。。 恳请好的建议和好的思路~  谢谢~~  

白冬冬

真言：
红色错误，蓝色建议，黄色精彩！
In my hometown, there is a well-known fairy story about a poor country boy, Deyi Jin, who goes to Beijing because he believes that the streets of that city are "paved with gold." （我觉得用过去式比较好）The story is a tale of "from rags to riches." Deyi eventually (Eventually, Deyi,这样子不是能稍微native一点~~)  becomes the mayor of Beijing. From this story, we cannot hardly find（想说不得不承认？可以no one can deny that） that going out from our villages maybe the first step to our success and happiness.



Firstly, Cities contain a great assortment of people; therefore***. China is made up of numerous people with different races, religions, abilities, and interests. Today, in the age of globetrotting transport and communications, city life is more mixed than it has even been. Capital city like(like 不正式，建议所有举例子都改成such as, 或者 for instance) Beijing is becoming cosmopolitan, and eager to attract foreign trade and currency. There is a contemporary Chinese joke that tells, "You can hardly find a native in Beijing." Diverse people and life of a big city always fascinate us.
(注意从简单句改成复杂句的过程哈，每写一句简单句，问自己这句和主题句的逻辑关系是什么？然后就能扩充成复杂句咯~)


Secondly, ****. (否则我看不出这段的主旨是什么意思？)The magic of Deyi Jin story is rekindled in me when I enjoy an opera in a magnificent theater, China's National Grand Theater of Beijing. If a person is at university majoring art or music, a big city usually offers galleries and public performances. Moreover, architecture is the urban landscape. If a person has an appreciation of architecture, a big city can be as visually exciting as the Himalayas. （没太看懂这几句话的意思？可以先翻译成中文我们一起看一下哈~）Thus, big cities could provide superior opportunities to us for pursuing our dreams.



Whether rightly or wrongly（不太确定这句话是否正确）, governments and local authorities usually build public amenities in the big cities. Money is invested in plenty of facilities for living, recreation and health care. Nowadays, people concern more about their health and safety than any other things in their lives. In big cities, medical facilities and emergency services are easily accessible than（比较级在哪儿呢？？） in the countryside.



Admittedly, security is a concern, and that is one area aspect where small towns are superior to big cities. However, I still would rather be a bit more cautious living in a large city than feel secure but bored and tedious in a small village.



To 真言：
这篇很有进步呢！词语上有了很大的变化~
但是逻辑还是很不清晰。建议每段句首都有一句总起，就跟我们的八股一样，并且时刻问问自己，这句话和我们的主题句有什么逻辑关系？一次来扩充句子长度`
加油加油·~！

fuzhengrui

我觉得看好好看范文就可以收获很大了，因为老美的用词很简单但是很地道，是咱们想不出来的。
看DISCOVERY  Naked science 这些纪录片很管用，里面语速真的不快，可以把好的表达积累下来
到人人影视搜乔布斯，里面第一个影片极其推荐。里面很多好表达非常好，而且老乔的例子很多作文题口语可以用，写完段落以后精改几遍

谢谢fuzhengrui的改正啊， 收获蛮多的~  
我现在除了去看看范文，不知道怎么去提高作文好了， 大家有什么好的建议吗？？？

-- by 会员 steigen (2012/8/31 21:10:00)